Too honest?

[cronewitch]

Our family has the Down Syndrome gene. It isn't usually inherited but for us it is. My niece had her daughter when she was 25 then everyone was tested who might have more kids and it was just her passing it to her daughter and her son is also a carrier. She wanted a third child but they stopped at 2 because she couldn't have aborted. She thought her daughter might feel unwanted if she aborted the next one. The son has a 1 in 15 chance of a Down Syndrome baby, he isn't married or wanting children yet at 19 but if he was married and his wife wanted to abort I would understand. The girl has cost so much money for therapy and thousands of hours of time. She was about 4 when her dad said they had already spent a million on her. She is 15 and still can't be left home alone and will not be driving ever. She may not leave home even to a group home for another 10 years meaning her mom has to keep a flexible schedule. She is a well loved girl and nobody is sorry she was born but another might not be really a happy thing for the family.
I wasn't tested but might carry Hemophilia about a 1 in 8 chance of having a son with it, I watched my cousins and not sure I would want to raise a child with that big of a problem. My cousin and his nephew have Hep C and other issues and deal with a lot of disability some days my cousin can't get out of bed and some days he can walk with crutches but he has never been able to work and live a full life. He gets SSI and Medicaid so is forced into a life of poverty even if family wants to leave him assets he can't have them. When his mom dies he won't have a place to live since he can't keep two houses on the same farm and he only would inherit 1/3 or 1/4 depending if his mom did disown his sister.

[marvholly]

Abortion is a horrible decision to need to make at ANY time, for ANY reason. That is exactly why I am pro-choice. NONE of MY business what anyone else does or their reason(s).

That said: I do not think I would have the physical or mental strength to have a special needs child ( reading Pat's posts only reafirms my thoughts & feelings). I would terminate.

[zibazinski]

Of all the years I taught special needs children, I can count the number of parents who stayed married on less than one hand. 

[The Captain]

My family carries a nasty spina bifida gene.  My grandmother lost a live birth to it and my mom lost a child at age 5 (my brother) to it.  I have a cousin who miscarried twice with spina bifida babies and it's highly likely my miscarriage was one as well.

In our case it manifests itself in the spine not closing entirely, water on the brain during fetal development resulting in under-developed brain matter.

In the case of my brother they didn't even know if he was capable of feeling physical pain, let alone emotion or love.  What he had during his short time on this planet was not life.

When I got tested while carrying DD I accepted that I could handle any level of disability as long as the person could be aware of themselves.  As much as I am opposed to terminating a pregnancy, I also accepted that I'd have to answer for my choice to terminate if it came to that.

My eyes tear up in gratitude to this day I never had to make that aweful choice.  I will never judge anyone who had to do so.

[zibazinski]

I've used that to comfort myself from time to time. From losing DD's twin to losing the baby after her. That something had to be wrong for nature to have intervened. It doesn't always work.

[Miss Tequila]

I'm on the other side. I have a child with special needs and can't imagine ever wishing she was dead. Her life is just as valuable as someone else's. It breaks my heart that society thinks she and kids like her are disposable :-(

For the record, when I was pregnant with her the ultrasound showed choroid plexus cysts around her brain. They are a marker for some syndrome and the only way to rule it out was through an amnio. I wouldn't have terminated anyway so I chose not to have it (I had already had a second trimester placental abrupt ion so this made me higher risk). Ironically my daughter doesn't have whatever that was a marker for and the choroid plexus cysts completely disappeared when we did the next ultrasound

Anyway..we are all different and I try not to judge. But I get pissed when people think my daughter doesn't deserve life

[Angel!]

Apr 19, 2015 9:48:39 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I'm on the other side. I have a child with special needs and can't imagine ever wishing she was dead. Her life is just as valuable as someone else's. It breaks my heart that society thinks she and kids like her are disposable :-(

For the record, when I was pregnant with her the ultrasound showed choroid plexus cysts around her brain. They are a marker for some syndrome and the only way to rule it out was through an amnio. I wouldn't have terminated anyway so I chose not to have it (I had already had a second trimester placental abrupt ion so this made me higher risk). Ironically my daughter doesn't have whatever that was a marker for and the choroid plexus cysts completely disappeared when we did the next ultrasound

Anyway..we are all different and I try not to judge. But I get pissed when people think my daughter doesn't deserve life

I'm not saying your daughter doesn't deserve life. I'm saying I'm not a good enough mom or person to raise a child knowing going in they will have a lifelong disability. Same way I know I'm not a good enough mom to have another child period at this point. If I found out today I was pregnant I would have an abortion because I don't have it in me to raise 4 children. It isn't so much something against your daughter as it is a statement regarding my capabilities.

[Virgil Showlion]

This thread has been judged to violate the "no discussions on the morality of abortion" rule for our board.

Thread is being locked at this point. Thanks to all for your contributions.

   - Virgil and the Mod Team

[moon/Laura]

After discussion between mods, I am opening this thread back up.

I'd like to point out that no one has said that special needs children don't deserve to live. The only thing that's been mentioned is the same thing Angel said - that they don't have what it takes to parent one. That's a very personal decision, and there's no right or wrong.

If you all can continue the discussion in a respectful fashion, great. If not, then the thread will be locked again.

[zibazinski]

Thank you. I really didn't read anyone saying someone's child or any child with special needs should be aborted or not cared for. I only read people saying they didn't have what it takes. I know I sure don't. If that makes me awful instead of honest, so be it. I ended up teaching adaptive PE because I saw the way the wind was blowing and it was job security. I ended up liking most of them and admiring their parent. Frankly, in the last 11 years I taught, I can name you 1 student I didn't like and that's pretty good odds I think. 

[TheHaitian]

Yep, sorry did not mean to insult or hurt anyone's feelings.

Since the only way we can conceive is through IUI/IVF we (contrary to most parents) had to have that conversation with our RE:
- would we consider selective reduction if my wife was pregnant with multiples
----> He got to ask because based on your answer he will decide if he will go forward with a cycle or not (IUI...4-5 follicles) or how many fertilized eggs to put in (IVF)
----> test showing certain things: birth defects and such and what we would do, people for him to recommend and if he should administer the test or not (my wife being 29 is low risk but we still want the test).

We talked about it and we know we would be ill equipped to move forward with it and we made our peace with it.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 18, 2015 14:45:09 GMT -5 taz157 said:

I'm of the advanced maternal age for  child-bearing age now and if/when I was pregnant again, I would get the test to see if it was positive for Downs along with others issues.  Depending on what it revealed, DH would have some serious decisions to make.

FWIW, I was 32 with DD and no special-type tests beforehand with her.  I'm 35 now (and not pregnant now but could see having another one in the next few years), and I would definitely get the various tests now.

Both of mine were advanced maternal age - I was 37 and 39, they're just under 18 months apart.  With DD, due to a blizzard and having to go out of town for work, I missed the window for one of the tests but got the rest done.  With 2nd, I had all suggested tests done.  Results were negative but I wanted to know what we were getting ourselves into.  I honestly don't think I could have aborted but that's me.  Other women can and will feel different than me.  That's fine. 

ETA - I'm grateful that amnio wasn't one of the tests they asked me to do.  I believe it's getting rarer to ask/need it done as other tests have been developed and/or gained a higher accuracy over time. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 18, 2015 15:01:47 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Apr 18, 2015 14:59:45 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Damn, that must have been brutal. Sorry dude.

It wasn't easy.   Sucked that we found out on Christmas Eve and tried to decide what to do over the holidays.

I'm sorry Archie and anyone else who's been faced with this.  Belated hugs. 

[Abby Normal]

I have a friend whose last child was born with downs.  They had the test done beforehand and knew it, but chose to keep it.  She's always had an amazing attitude of "everyone is different, this is how Mark is".  Mark was also born with the same heart defect DS has.  DS had already had his fixed so I was able to help her through it. But as I watch Mark get older, I am constantly amazed by how she handles it. 

I don't know what choice I would have made.  After watching her with him,  I don't know that I would make the same choice now, as I would have then.