Thínk yôúr spouse is bad?

[cael]

Try this one: I have a friend, a neighbor of mine actually, whose husband just quit his job. He worked with my DF, and the company will be laying the employees off this summer because the facility is closing. So, he decided he couldn't do it anymore and quit, giving up any kind of severance or unemployment he might've been able to get in 4 months.

If that isn't bad enough, the guy is 39, never had any ambition to have a real career or get an education. He quit because he didn't like the fact that he was told to improve his numbers - they didn't even write him up, they just told him he needed to step up & do his job. The kid freaking thinks he's a tough guy and tries to pick fights with anyone for anything. It's pathetic. Got fired from a previous job because he started a fight (a freaking grocery store job, btw). Whines and complains about everything, doesn't do a thing for my friend, didn't even get her a Christmas gift. The job was pretty easy - packing & shipping, it's a warehouse. He called out of work a few months ago because he COULDN'T SHOVEL HIS CAR OUT to get to work - mind you, we have a bus stop ACROSS THE STREET that drops off right in front of the job (DF takes the bus every day).

Oh, and "his" car? His father leased it for him (remember, he's 39 years old). Yeah, dad's paying for it monthly, probably paying for the insurance, and put the deposit or whatever down on it. It's a 2010 Corolla and it does nothing but sit in the driveway & take up a parking space, because all he ever did with it was go to work and back. He NEVER drives it. We live about 2.5 miles from his workplace, by the way. Remember the bus too that picks up in front of our house.

So now, my poor friend is working, her idiot husband isn't, and she's deluded into thinking he's going to look for a job right away. Last time he was unemployed, it was for 2 years, and he did NOTHING to look for a job himself - she got him the job at the place he just left because she worked at their call center at the time. She's 34 and at the point where she wants to think about having kids, and move towards buying a house, and she's got this loser who is basically a lazy 15 year old, who mommy always took care of so now his wife is acting as mommy.

On one hand, I'm not inclined to say my "poor" friend, because she has the ability to get out of this relationship if she wants. When I met her 4 or 5 years ago, she was on the verge of divorcing him, that was at the point where he'd been unemployed for a few years & wasn't doing anything. Her father's a minister and talked her out of it. Her mother has recently moved back to our area and I've talked to her mother, who feels the same way I do about the husband (I was glad it wasn't just me thinking he was a horrible loser!) Mom may try to convince her to move out with her and leave him behind, and I hope she finally does it. I think what she does will depend on whether he actually tries to find a job. I just feel badly because it isn't my place to tell her to run the opposite direction as fast as she can. Whenever I get aggravated at DF for something I think of this friend of mine & thank my lucky stars I will never be in a situation like this.

It just makes me so mad. I had to vent to folks who would understand!!! When I think of the "Bad with money? Doomed to die alone" and "Spouse not on board?" threads, I think of this friend being a prime example of why it's a good idea to at least try to ensure the spouse you choose is at least somewhat on the same page financially as you are.

Flame away!!!

</rant>

[swamp]

It's horrible to watch someone piss away the prime of their life on some loser.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Hey, the wife must see something in the guy...but I digress.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

It's horrible to watch someone piss away the prime of their life on some loser.

Understatement.... exalted!!!

[cael]

They actually got married 8 months after they met each other. they've been married 7 years now, which I find insane, because I'm pretty sure she started realizing some things pretty soon after they moved in together. Oh, and he'd never lived on his own, just with mommy, until they got married. Serious lapse in judgment on her part in sooo many ways.... they really have next to nothing in common. I mean, I know other couples who have next to nothing in common too but they still work out together. These two just do not.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Her father's a minister and talked her out of it


Wow.

[cael]

Swamp karma when I regenerate!

[cael]

Mar 8, 2011 12:41:04 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Her father's a minister and talked her out of it


Wow.

Yeah. I know. I don't know her father well so I don't know what he thinks of the husband, but I can't imagine he likes him much.

[dancinmama]

Amazing, but.... For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer. It looks like she got the worse and poorer end of the stick.

[kimber45]

It is stories like these that make me sooo thankful for my DH

[Angel!]

Sometimes the thought of being alone is scarier than the reality of being with a loser.

[cael]

Yeah, I don't agree with staying in a marriage like that though, despite the for better or poorer though. Just isn't right to short change your life like that, IMHO.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Anyone is better than no one.......NOT!

[skubikky]

I suspect that she was aware of his character before they married. I sincerely doubt that his behavior is some sort of dramatic departure from how he acted when she met him.

I'm always amazed at the tone some of these posts take. Some "poor" woman who is being taken advantage of by some bum. Often, not always, women in these situations are complicit. They know full well who they're marrying and what kind of behavior is likely to occur with someone who is devoid of character, has low self-esteem, "suffers" from narcissism and for the most part, low intelligence.

Geez.....might I be channeling SF? Could be. I find the whoa is me carp tiresome.

ETA: This could be as easily applied to men...don't want to be accused of sexism

[skubikky]

cael...just a friendly suggestion. MYOB
What goes on in someone's marriage is a matter of three things: his version, her version and the truth. It is not for anyone to judge or decide they know what is best.
Usually well meaning "suggestions" will cause the friend in need to turn on you when you speak the truths that she's really not willing to face.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Geez.....might I be channeling SF? Could be. I find the whoa is me carp tiresome

[cael]

Well, I did say that on one hand I'm not inclined to say 'my "poor" friend', if you noticed that. She isn't some little helpless victim and I never intended to make it sound like she is... I also made sure to say I know it isn't my place to tell her to do anything. I feel badly for a bad situation a friend is in, regardless of how she got there, and her husband's attitude makes me insane. I'd never say anything to her or suggest anything. I am minding my own business, by not interfering in her marriage and instead getting my frustration out on a message board where I figured folks might've seen a similar thing happen to a friend and could sympathize and tell me I'm not crazy.

[dancinmama]

Mar 8, 2011 12:51:41 GMT -5 cael said:

Yeah, I don't agree with staying in a marriage like that though, despite the for better or poorer though. Just isn't right to short change your life like that, IMHO.

Don't get me wrong, I feel REALLY badly for her and her situation makes me sick to my stomach.

If he misrepresented himself prior to the marriage (i.e. pretended to be a hard-working guy), then I agree that she has every right to end the "marriage". I feel the same way for someone who marries someone who hides an addiction problem, an anger management problem, etc., but I'm not sure that that is the case here.

[Plain Old Petunia]

I think she must have very low self-esteem, or else she wouldn't be willing to "settle" for him. I hope she thinks twice about having kids with him. But in the end, it is her life.

[Plain Old Petunia]

Oh no Cael, you are NOT crazy.

[cael]

Sad thing is, I think she used to have more self esteem than she currently does, it's pretty low

[cael]

Thank you Petunia!

[whoisjohngalt]

Sometimes the thought of being alone is scarier than the reality of being with a loser.

Yep, and we have a 10-page thread to prove it

Lena

[dancinmama]

Mar 8, 2011 13:26:56 GMT -5 cael said:

Well, I did say that on one hand I'm not inclined to say 'my "poor" friend', if you noticed that. She isn't some little helpless victim and I never intended to make it sound like she is... I also made sure to say I know it isn't my place to tell her to do anything. I feel badly for a bad situation a friend is in, regardless of how she got there, and her husband's attitude makes me insane. I'd never say anything to her or suggest anything. I am minding my own business, by not interfering in her marriage and instead getting my frustration out on a message board where I figured folks might've seen a similar thing happen to a friend and could sympathize and tell me I'm not crazy.

I totally understand where you're coming from. My BFF married a total jerk. She talks about her problems with him almost every time we get together.

[8 Bit WWBG]

This is a sad one indeed. You have a perfectly "good" person who is kept off the market by a useless waste of skin. The good person will either be permanently taken, never to know happiness, or will get out of the marriage crushed and embittered, and all of the good qualities will be suppressed out of fear/mistrust and the next partner paying the price for the previous.

Just be a good friend, and I think you are doing the right thing not getting involved. There is really no way to win this one, and its not necessarily your place since she hasn't ventured forth to you.

[busymom]

Actually, some Moms DO teach their girls to "settle for" rather than end up alone. I taught my DD being alone is better than babysitting a grown man. Cael, your friend has my sympathy. Too bad her Dad talked her out of divorcing him.

[stats45]

From what I've seen on the threads like this, most people have good signs that their partner is like this (or has these tendencies), and overlook them for stories, lies, hopes about the future, or concern that if they don't settle down now they will have no time to have kids, buy a home, etc.

It is sad. It also sounds like the husband has had plenty of enablers, always there to bail him out when he messed up his life.

[cael]

Mar 8, 2011 14:55:17 GMT -5 stats45 said:

From what I've seen on the threads like this, most people have good signs that their partner is like this (or has these tendencies), and overlook them for stories, lies, hopes about the future, or concern that if they don't settle down now they will have no time to have kids, buy a home, etc.

It is sad. It also sounds like the husband has had plenty of enablers, always there to bail him out when he messed up his life.

Oh does he! His mother is horrible (apparently his father too). He has two younger siblings, in their early 20's, who both live at home w/ mom and don't work and don't go to school. Neither has plans to change that. Literally, they do nothing, mom's ok with that He lived the same way until he got married.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

They don't have kids yet, so she should- in the words of a very wise poster on another message board- "DIVORCE THIS FINANCIAL TRAIN WRECK", or come back in 30 years and be like that other poster in the "I make all the money, but I really wanted to stay home and raise my kids" thread....

[cael]

Yeah. I know I'm hoping her mother might gently help her see the light.... she isn't young anymore & wants a family and everything, and it just isn't gonna happen w/ her husband. Not that she's the brightest bulb on the block with finances either, but, she's better than him.