NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 16, 2015 9:00:54 GMT -5
I had Baby Daddy ready to sign his rights away to avoid having to pay child support. The lawyer said the judge won't agree because our kids had the right to have two parents and we didn't have the right to take that away. So we didn't get to do that. Most states are like this, in ours unless there is extreme abuse, you have to have someone willing to adopt before rights will be terminated. Angel is lucky to have the option. That's the case here as well. Another issue in this state (not sure if it applies elsewhere) is if there are grandparents involved. An ex- friend of mine wanted to get her XH's parental rights terminated, but HIS parents refused to allow it, claiming it would also terminate their rights as grandparents. So the courts denied the termination. It was an exercise in futility in the long run...not only did the child's father basically disappear on her, but so did his parents. The stupid fruit did not fall far from that tree.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 16, 2015 10:15:37 GMT -5
I thought grandparents really didn't have much in the way of rights. Maybe I am mistaken.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Apr 16, 2015 11:02:59 GMT -5
Angel - the whole situation really sux but I too am glad he skipped - you are doing so well - question - were you able to take him off the account and/or cancel his card so he no longer has access? Yeah, I managed to get them to report the card as lost the same day I found the charge & have sent in the paperwork to get him off the account. So at least he can't do this again.
I will say this made me unbelievable upset. I honestly am not sure why. It isn't like I'm surprised by the behavior. It isn't like it sent me to the poorhouse. Although I do need the HSA money, I have been waiting on some bills until the account had enough in there to cover them & been paying others out of pocket with the intent to reimburse myself when the money is in there. So this messes that up a bit, but he took out less than what I put in per paycheck.
I think it hit me so hard because it is just another reminder that he is just going to keep finding ways to mess with me. If an opportunity arises, he will take it. You finally think you're done with all the BS & then it starts right back up again. On another forum a woman told me several months ago that the drama will never stop. They will never just let you go for good. They may leave you alone for months or even years, but they will always eventually come back to find new ways to mess with you or the kids. I think that it might be true. This is my life now - a single mom with a crazy ex. Of all the things I imagined for my future, this was never even something I considered.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 16, 2015 11:15:05 GMT -5
I thought grandparents really didn't have much in the way of rights. Maybe I am mistaken. I think it depends on the state. I have a vague thought that a couple of states are kinda of working on making sure grandparents have access to their grandchildren - to sort of combat the "evil ex is denying everyone access to the kids to spite my family" scenarios. But most states don't have much of anything in place for grandparents in the way of rights. But that's based off of vaguely remember news stories from several years back. Angel, hugs. Lots of hugs for you and the kids. I'm late to this party but I do think you should talk to a lawyer about getting your youngest added onto the parenting/custody orders.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 16, 2015 11:18:10 GMT -5
I don't think I would say that it will never end. You can't live like that, always looking over your shoulder. You just try and deal with it the best way you know how and try to let it have the least amount of impact on your life as possible. It's a lot easier said than done, but it's what you have to do for your own sanity. And no one anticipates stuff like this happening to them, but it does and it will make you a stronger person. I am 10 years out of the toxic relationship with Baby Daddy and I promise you that it will get better. It may take a while, but it will happen.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 16, 2015 11:21:14 GMT -5
Angel - the whole situation really sux but I too am glad he skipped - you are doing so well - question - were you able to take him off the account and/or cancel his card so he no longer has access? Yeah, I managed to get them to report the card as lost the same day I found the charge & have sent in the paperwork to get him off the account. So at least he can't do this again.
I will say this made me unbelievable upset. I honestly am not sure why. It isn't like I'm surprised by the behavior. It isn't like it sent me to the poorhouse. Although I do need the HSA money, I have been waiting on some bills until the account had enough in there to cover them & been paying others out of pocket with the intent to reimburse myself when the money is in there. So this messes that up a bit, but he took out less than what I put in per paycheck.
I think it hit me so hard because it is just another reminder that he is just going to keep finding ways to mess with me. If an opportunity arises, he will take it. You finally think you're done with all the BS & then it starts right back up again. On another forum a woman told me several months ago that the drama will never stop. They will never just let you go for good. They may leave you alone for months or even years, but they will always eventually come back to find new ways to mess with you or the kids. I think that it might be true. This is my life now - a single mom with a crazy ex. Of all the things I imagined for my future, this was never even something I considered.
It will only stop when you stop responding. Period. Not even in response to the kids. You leave any tiny window of opportunity open, and crazy will slither in. He is not going to get better. He is who he is now, and whatever passes for a brain at this point is likely so fried by abuse, that it would be useless to normal society even if he did quit ingesting whatever it is he's using. You will not always be single; you will find a normal, caring, giving man again. One who is deserving of you and your children. Your children's sperm donor will be out there until he dies, doing the douchecanoe two-step with his demons. He's not a dad or even their dad; he's not deserving of the title. Do not open the door and let him in. No more responding to him, at all. Not even about the kids. No photos, no texts, no calls. Nothing. If he contacts you, delete it and don't read it. I sound like a meanie, I know, because I never had to deal with it. But sweetie, the only way to eradicate this dingbat from your life is to not respond. You pick up that phone and even text "OK" or "Whatever" or "Fine" and he has your attention, fleeting though it may be. That's what he wants. He's looking for any tiny crack whereby he can worm his way in, even if it's to upset you. You won't be upset if you don't acknowledge his existence. File for child support, get his parental rights terminated and let the court and your attorney deal with it. If he wants contact, let him go through your attorney or the court.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Apr 16, 2015 11:25:36 GMT -5
Angel - the whole situation really sux but I too am glad he skipped - you are doing so well - question - were you able to take him off the account and/or cancel his card so he no longer has access? Yeah, I managed to get them to report the card as lost the same day I found the charge & have sent in the paperwork to get him off the account. So at least he can't do this again.
I will say this made me unbelievable upset. I honestly am not sure why. It isn't like I'm surprised by the behavior. It isn't like it sent me to the poorhouse. Although I do need the HSA money, I have been waiting on some bills until the account had enough in there to cover them & been paying others out of pocket with the intent to reimburse myself when the money is in there. So this messes that up a bit, but he took out less than what I put in per paycheck.
I think it hit me so hard because it is just another reminder that he is just going to keep finding ways to mess with me. If an opportunity arises, he will take it. You finally think you're done with all the BS & then it starts right back up again. On another forum a woman told me several months ago that the drama will never stop. They will never just let you go for good. They may leave you alone for months or even years, but they will always eventually come back to find new ways to mess with you or the kids. I think that it might be true. This is my life now - a single mom with a crazy ex. Of all the things I imagined for my future, this was never even something I considered.
Maybe you'll get lucky like I did and he'll find a new meal ticket to glom on to.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2015 11:27:27 GMT -5
I thought grandparents really didn't have much in the way of rights. Maybe I am mistaken. My cousin has a son whose father's parental rights were terminated (at the time she had someone to adopt, but then they divorced and I don't know what has become of that, I don't think stepdad pays support or has visitation). Anyhow, the paternal grandfather gets visitation every other Saturday. This may have just been something my cousin agreed to though.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 16, 2015 11:46:43 GMT -5
I thought grandparents really didn't have much in the way of rights. Maybe I am mistaken. Beth is correct; it does depend on the state. Florida was very much a grandparents' rights state years ago; obviously, given the age of the population, they had some say in those laws being passed. My mother had to make use of those laws years ago, when my ex-SIL withheld visitation until my brother paid her more money that the CS/alimony agreement called for (lazy beyotch decided she did not want to work). My mother took her to court over it.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 16, 2015 12:12:59 GMT -5
I thought grandparents really didn't have much in the way of rights. Maybe I am mistaken. Beth is correct; it does depend on the state. Florida was very much a grandparents' rights state years ago; obviously, given the age of the population, they had some say in those laws being passed. My mother had to make use of those laws years ago, when my ex-SIL withheld visitation until my brother paid her more money that the CS/alimony agreement called for (lazy beyotch decided she did not want to work). My mother took her to court over it. That's just wrong. Did she get visitation? I just looked up grandparents rights in my state and they don't really have any. This is fine for Baby Daddy's effed up family, but if something happened to me, I want my parents to take my girls to live with them.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 16, 2015 12:16:15 GMT -5
Beth is correct; it does depend on the state. Florida was very much a grandparents' rights state years ago; obviously, given the age of the population, they had some say in those laws being passed. My mother had to make use of those laws years ago, when my ex-SIL withheld visitation until my brother paid her more money that the CS/alimony agreement called for (lazy beyotch decided she did not want to work). My mother took her to court over it. That's just wrong. Did she get visitation? I just looked up grandparents rights in my state and they don't really have any. This is fine for Baby Daddy's effed up family, but if something happened to me, I want my parents to take my girls to live with them. Then you need good legal advice on this and how to draw up a will to reflect your wishes. You situation can get messy with a EX/baby daddy out there.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 16, 2015 12:20:59 GMT -5
Beth is correct; it does depend on the state. Florida was very much a grandparents' rights state years ago; obviously, given the age of the population, they had some say in those laws being passed. My mother had to make use of those laws years ago, when my ex-SIL withheld visitation until my brother paid her more money that the CS/alimony agreement called for (lazy beyotch decided she did not want to work). My mother took her to court over it. That's just wrong. Did she get visitation? I just looked up grandparents rights in my state and they don't really have any. This is fine for Baby Daddy's effed up family, but if something happened to me, I want my parents to take my girls to live with them. Yes, she did. Scared the ex-SIL witless (she was a nitwit anyway, and still is. She's living in a garage apartment at her mother's house and on husband #4 at the moment, an alcoholic with terminal liver disease. Neither he nor she has worked in years. She can, but won't so they don't lose their state benefits like Medicaid.)
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 16, 2015 12:25:49 GMT -5
That's just wrong. Did she get visitation? I just looked up grandparents rights in my state and they don't really have any. This is fine for Baby Daddy's effed up family, but if something happened to me, I want my parents to take my girls to live with them. Then you need good legal advice on this and how to draw up a will to reflect your wishes. You situation can get messy with a EX/baby daddy out there. THis. When DH and I were in Vegas and left the kids home, I wrote up a brief note and gave it to my Mom that said basically said if we died, we wanted my younger sister and her husband to take and raise the kids; that they should do what they thought best regarding house, cars, land, etc. and that we expected them to make reasonable visitation with MIL and FIL. DH thought I should have put something in about his brother and his family and I just said I figured MIL would take care of that when she had the kids. We knew this wouldn't hold up in court but we have reasonably sane families, all in all. I figured as long as we put it in writing, my family would attempt to follow it and I didn't think MIL or FIL would be too much of an ass about it. And we didn't really think anything would happen and we were right. But it is on deck to get something legal stating this.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 17, 2015 21:38:01 GMT -5
Angel - the whole situation really sux but I too am glad he skipped - you are doing so well - question - were you able to take him off the account and/or cancel his card so he no longer has access? Yeah, I managed to get them to report the card as lost the same day I found the charge & have sent in the paperwork to get him off the account. So at least he can't do this again.
I will say this made me unbelievable upset. I honestly am not sure why. It isn't like I'm surprised by the behavior. It isn't like it sent me to the poorhouse. Although I do need the HSA money, I have been waiting on some bills until the account had enough in there to cover them & been paying others out of pocket with the intent to reimburse myself when the money is in there. So this messes that up a bit, but he took out less than what I put in per paycheck.
I think it hit me so hard because it is just another reminder that he is just going to keep finding ways to mess with me. If an opportunity arises, he will take it. You finally think you're done with all the BS & then it starts right back up again. On another forum a woman told me several months ago that the drama will never stop. They will never just let you go for good. They may leave you alone for months or even years, but they will always eventually come back to find new ways to mess with you or the kids. I think that it might be true. This is my life now - a single mom with a crazy ex. Of all the things I imagined for my future, this was never even something I considered.
Angel - I haven't been as present on the boards as I was in the past, so I've missed some of your story. However, it sounds like you are dealing with a sociopath. If no one has recommended this to you before, please research it and see if it fits. If it does, I feel for you as I suspect that my Ex is also a sociopath - at the very least, mine's a narcissist of the highest order. As the others said, no contact and no reaction is exactly the way to deal with him. I'm not sure I agree that the drama will NEVER stop - but that may be because my Ex isn't a deeply crazy as some others out there. I will say, that my Ex finally stopped harassing me when he discovered he could no longer push my buttons. But that point didn't happen until about 10 years after our divorce, once I realized what I was dealing with. The way I was able to finally stop reacting was to realize that NOTHING I said or did would make a bit of difference when it came to the Ex. I wouldn't be able to change his mind. I wouldn't be able to understand him or his rantings. I wouldn't be able to do a darned thing about him. HOWEVER - I COULD change myself and how I reacted to him. I became a stone wall in his presence. Once I made up MY mind on a subject, nothing he said or did could raise a response out of me or make me change my mind - because I realized that *I* was the one that was sane and rational - not him. From that point forward, I didn't respond to any texts that didn't directly relate to our son. I made sure to follow the supervised custody order to a T. There was one visitation where Ex was pushing his luck on and I'd had it with the attitude. He insisted that I leave - I refused and promptly sat down across from him on the picnic bench at the public park. Ex SCREAMED at me for a good 20 minutes, in front of God and everyone, while I sat there silent, focused on a point slightly above and to the left of his head, refusing to respond or obey his "commands". It pissed him off so bad that he couldn't get a rise out of me (he flung some pretty hurtful and button pushing stuff at me), that he finally stomped off and left. Now - I know my Ex well enough to know that he wouldn't have hit me - which is the only reason that I made that stand. I also know that if he had, I wouldn't have hesitated to press charges to the fullest on him - and he knows that about me as well. He only called me a bitch one time - I pointed out that "both of us know that I'm not acting like a bitch, but if you call me that one more time, I will make the label a reality." So....I know what my Ex will and won't do for his own self serving needs. I'm not advocating that you put yourself or your kids in any danger. Just that you figure out a way to build up your own stone wall that is immovable when it comes to your Ex. You're still dealing with some pretty fresh and raw emotions. It's going to take some time. I will tell you though - once you figure out that point that he no longer can get to you - it won't matter what he throws at you - you will be free and it will feel wonderful.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 18, 2015 8:45:55 GMT -5
I've been thinking about this thread all night and realized that I left something out of my post. I stated above: But that point didn't happen until about 10 years after our divorce, once I realized what I was dealing with.I don't want you to think that you'll be dealing with this for 10 years - that's depressing and isn't the truth! The truth of the matter is - you'll be dealing with your Ex for however long one of two things happens: - He continues to push your buttons and "feeds" off of your reactions. He'll stay for however long HIS needs are "feed". I'm not talking about physical or sexual needs - I'm talking mental and emotional. He's like a vampire - sucking you dry of YOUR mental and emotional feelings - because he has none. Once he can no longer push your buttons, he'll find someone else to feed off of.
- He figures out a way to feed off of your boys' mental and emotional feelings. If you allow him to do this, he'll be in both you and your boys' lives for however long it takes for your boys to build up their stone walls.
I totally know and agree with the statement that "kids should have BOTH parents in the picture....." But I only agree with that statement to this point ".....as long as neither parent is being physically, sexually, mentally or emotionally abusive." As a parent, it is our job to protect our child(ren) from people that would harm them. Unfortunately, sometimes that person is one of their parents. That sucks to the Nth degree! If your Ex is a sociopath and the descriptions fit him, you can only do TWO things. Figure out how to create your own boundaries when it comes to dealing with him. And teach your boys how to also deal with him in a mature way that won't leave them mentally and emotionally drained. This process will only take however long it takes you to steel your resolve. It took me 10 years of dealing with my Ex's BS because that's how long it was before the idea was even presented to me. Once I researched it and realized what I was dealing with - I had my stone wall built in less than 6 months. I started helping my son cope with his dad's abusive comments immediately as well. That took longer because son didn't have the maturity to understand everything that was going on and why his dad treated him the way he did. I talk openly with my son (now 18) about his dad and about how we cannot change his dad's actions or reactions. We can only control ourselves. I don't talk bad about his dad, just ask open ended questions and help son to understand the confusion is coming from his dad, not from him. So far, it seems to have helped. However, I also caution my son that he doesn't truly understand what I'm talking about until he experiences some of the manipulation first hand. I have told him that there will come a time that son will disregard what I have cautioned him about and his dad will hurt him and I won't be able to do anything to protect him any more. But that I'll be here for him and help him through the confusion that is his dad whenever he needs me to be. Anyway - I'm trying to be encouraging, not depressing. Hang in there!! It is a tough road, but we're here for you!!
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 18, 2015 9:06:11 GMT -5
We already know that he has no visitation and a warrant pretty much ensures that he won't just show up unannounced. We also know that he is horrible to his kids when he speaks to them. At what point, Angel, do you walk away. Block his number and remove him from your social media and any other ties with him. When is it enough? It's not a decision to be taken lightly, but it seems it would be a little easier to pull off since you seem to have the upper hand and the police are just a phone call away.
I spent a long time trying to make Baby Daddy understand that we didn't have to be together for him to be a father to his kids. I told him that if he continued to treat them like crap, they wouldn't want anything to do with him as an adult when I could no longer make them go see him. In the end, his contempt for me and selfishness won and the girls now want nothing to do with him. They don't even have a relationship with his family, including their little brother because it would mean seeing him and they have had enough. It's very sad, but they are much happier without him and we don't even say his name anymore. After we decided to make the separation from him totally, a lot of stuff came out that he had said and done and it was so hard not to go over there and call him out! All it would have done would have been to let him know that he had gotten to me again.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Apr 18, 2015 22:30:58 GMT -5
He could be a sociopath, I've not really considered that. For the past few years I've been convinced he is bipolar & he now has major drug addiction issues, which has made him super manipulative. In retrospect, our entire relationship was screwed up with negative patterns that involved a lot of manipulation. Things got really bad when I stopped playing the game right & wasn't acting out the part I was supposed to. Then for years he would always keep pushing until he found a button that worked, and he always eventually got something. So in a really messed up way I trained him to keep trying because he would always get a response, eventually. Because of that I don't think he will go away quickly even with complete non-response on my part, but I do agree that is the best course of action.
Tomorrow marks a month since the last I responded to him. I give it ~2 more months and then I'll start getting nice texts again & he starts calling the kids. The pattern for the last 2 years has been ~3 months of him being a complete mess & falling apart followed by 1-2 months of trying really hard to get his life together. Then when that isn't getting him where he wants fast enough he has another complete meltdown & starts the cycle over. The hard part will staying non-responsive even when he is in the good part of the cycle. That is where I have always failed before.
In general I've gotten pretty good at ignoring him when his life is a mess & he is being a complete ass, although even that I have screwed up. It will be easier now since I had that epiphany last month where I realized he only talks to the kids in an effort to impress me because somehow he stills thinks we are going to get back together. If cutting him off helps him realize it will never happen, then I think that will cut short the games he is playing with the kids emotions & I certainly don't want to be the reason he hurts them. Maybe it won't help, maybe then the kids will be his only outlet for manipulation when I cut him off. But if he continues to contact the kids only to mess with them, then I will get with a lawyer & see if I have the option to cut him off completely from even phone contact with them.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Apr 18, 2015 23:10:14 GMT -5
Speak of the devil...He just texted me. "please stop". Guess I had the timeline all wrong. Will continue to ignore.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 18, 2015 23:23:17 GMT -5
Hugs!!!
Please don't think that you trained him. That's not true at all. Whether you believe it right now or not, you are a very strong person! He's actually trained you. The fact that he kept having to find new ways to manipulate you over the years proves how strong you really are. He just has you believing differently.
He might be bipolar, but I still suggest you research sociopaths and other disorders. Something is there that isn't right and the only way to combat his crazy is to identify it, know how to deal with it and then follow through for the protection of yourself and your boys.
Keep ignoring his texts. There's no point to them other than to keep you off balance.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 18, 2015 23:34:33 GMT -5
Another thing that I just thought of:
My Ex also does drugs (off and on). You say the manipulation's gotten worse since he started using.
What if it hasn't gotten worse, but rather the drugs have him so far off his game, that it's just more transparent to you now?
I suggest this because that's what happens with my Ex. When he's sober, he can keep his stories straight. When he's using, he can't remember what lie he told what person and if you're paying attention, you can see right through him.
Just something for you to consider and keep track of going forward. Because if this is true, then it can help you in dealing with him in the future.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Apr 18, 2015 23:52:29 GMT -5
Another thing that I just thought of: My Ex also does drugs (off and on). You say the manipulation's gotten worse since he started using. What if it hasn't gotten worse, but rather the drugs have him so far off his game, that it's just more transparent to you now? I had not considered that. You could be right. I just assume the drugs made him more in need of money, therefore more likely to lie/manipulate to try to get it. They also sort of destroyed his brain, which probably has made it harder for him to keep stories straight & for me to catch him on. So I just realized he also sent an email. All about how much he misses me, how this isn't like me so someone must be making me not talk to him, how he just wants me to be happy, how I'm his everything & he just wants my love. Then goes on to say that he can't talk to the kids if I won't talk to him and how he thought I was different & we would always be friends. So this totally would have worked before in some way or another. Way back in the day I would have realized he was so sorry & taken him back. More recently I would have felt bad for him (and maybe guilty) & talked to him about how he needs to move on & find happiness. Then there is stuff in there that would have made me mad & might have made me respond - saying that someone is controlling me would push that button. He's never pulled the 'can't talk to the kids if you won't talk to me card' before. But I'm sure that is designed to make me feel bad for the kids & be his friend again. But, I don't care anymore about any of it. It is interesting to dissect & realize how manipulative the email is & how I used to respond to those things. And he doesn't yet realize that the "can't talk to the kids anymore" thing only makes me hope he follows through on that threat . Good, leave them alone. They don't need you in your life when I think you only do it to try to get close to me, not because you are interested in being a good dad.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 19, 2015 7:06:29 GMT -5
Wow! It's like I'm reliving some of my Ex's emails in your comment! I remember him playing those exact same cards!
Just a heads up, if he follows the same pattern that my Ex did, the next "button" will be the suicide one. He might not come right out and say he's going to kill himself, but the language will be there to imply that's exactly what he's gong to do.
It's been 19 years since I got together with my Ex and 16 years since the divorce was finalized. He's still here, even though he said many times that he wouldn't be alive much longer. I remember feeling so guilty thinking "my life would be so much easier if you would just die already!"
It's just another button and manipulation tactic, designed to make you feel bad for him. But think about the reality - alive, he's manipulative and hurtful to you and the boys. Dead, he brings you peace and the boys get SS benefits. I'm not advocating that he dies, but would it really be horrible if he did?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2015 7:31:53 GMT -5
When I read some about sociopaths, I think I remember that a lot of them abuse alcohol and drugs. I do remember that they tend to engage in risky behaviors and are impulsive. They appear to be charming, they're so good at manipulation that it's easy to not see it for a while. Karaboo might be right that the drug use hinders his ability to be subtle with his manipulation. Or it could be that you're just seeing him more clearly now. Anyway, reading about sociopaths was very interesting and most of what I read fit the guy I knew to a tee.
Every single thing I read had the same advice about the best way to deal with them....... don't. Stay away from them. There was some advice about how to try to manage if you realize your spouse is one, but it wasn't very hopeful. Even if they somehow land in some sort of counseling, which is unusual, effectively treating them is challenging if not impossible.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 19, 2015 7:58:13 GMT -5
Pink - you're right. "Treating" them is difficult if not impossible because they see nothing wrong with their life. To a sociopath, they are normal and everyone else is wrong.
I made the mistake of telling my Ex that I thought he was a sociopath. That just gave him more ammunition against me
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wmpeon
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Post by wmpeon on Apr 19, 2015 8:01:21 GMT -5
OP, I'm late to the party here, but I can't stress enough what others have mentioned about checking all your account holder & beneficiary information. It's really easy to overlook or forget to update certain accounts. This includes emergency contact & beneficiary info with your employer, any retirement or health accounts, banking and credit accounts, etc. Please make sure your EX is not tied to any of them.
Also, if you had any of these accounts at the time you were together, you might consider closing the account and re-opening a new one. Just in case your EX had any of the old account information. It's unlikely he'd use that to cause problems, but you never know.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 19, 2015 8:05:53 GMT -5
Oops!! Posted too soon!
If you HAVE to deal with a sociopath, you have to be extra careful with what you say to them. It's because they will use EVERYTHING you say to their advantage.
I made the mistake very recently (less than 3 months ago) of talking about my son's issues with autism/asbergers. Ex knew about these things, but for whatever reason this conversation, he suddenly latched onto son's issues. Now all of a sudden, HIS life makes sense to him because HE wasn't diagnosed as being autistic. (Rolls eyes).
He's not autistic or even high functioning like our son. He's just manipulative and will now use this "new" information to scam and/or manipulate someone else to get what he wants. I feel sorry for whoever he's targeting now. :-(
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 19, 2015 8:24:15 GMT -5
...:::"...but it fucking sucks when someone can essentially steal from you & the best answer is to do nothing. And the reason to do nothing is because he is a royal ass & will just harass me more . . . And I do nothing because the consequences of action are worse than just taking it. And yes, I get to be the bigger person & I am the better parent & doing what I can for my kids, but somehow that just doesn't feel like a win right now.":::...
If its any consolation, I know how you feel. I have a hard time looking in the mirror sometimes when I reflect on how many battles I "pre-surrendered" because of the fear of perceived consequences or costs. Its a sweet deal for the other person who wins the battle without ever having to step onto the field. It does make you realize though, that if you are going to fight, you have to go all the way. Stepping into the ring full of doubt just delays the other persons victory.
...:::"It appears that I can go for involuntary termination if there is no contact for 6 months, which is then consider abandonment.":::...
Hopefully this long term strategy, in spite of his recent contact, will work out. I understand the logic behind reactions "feeding" them exactly what they want. I still think there is merit in systematically disassembling the connections one by one.
At the same time, I do appreciate that it can be very costly to get someone to do something they don't want to do -- ESPECIALLY when they get what they want by "doing nothing". The poster on the previous page who said she has the time and resources to force the other person, still has to use that time and those resources to bring it about.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 19, 2015 9:03:38 GMT -5
My EX is a classic sociopath. I didn't get it until I read that book, thanks to this board. I blamed everyone, including me, and everything, including drugs, for his behavior. He's SO good at it, trust me. Everyone still thinks it's my fault we're divorced because he's so nice and charming and fun to be around and I'm such a bitch. He tells them stuff like he gave me everything in the divorce and supported me and the kids royally while he went without. Oh, brother. Even though I am married and we have been divorced forever, he told people I only married DH because he was going to die and leave me a lot of money because I spent everything he "gave" me in our divorce. People actually believe this shit, he's so good at spreading it. It's very hard not to be affected by it but I do my best. Unfortunately because I have kids, he will never truly be out of my life but they have as little to do with him as possible. SUPPOSEDLY he is going to help with DD's PA school expenses. I know I am. But I'm sure his story will be that he is paying for everything and I contributed nothing at all. I try to let it go but I'm human and it's irritating. Btw, he's pulled the I'M dying card many times to get his way. Fucker isn't dead yet. <img text="> " alt=" > " src="http://images.proboards.com/new/angry.png">
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 19, 2015 9:18:13 GMT -5
We took a large life insurance policy out on each of us when the girls were little. When we separated, Baby Daddy signed it over to me so he could stick me with the bill. I still pay for it. It's been really hard at times not to hope to be able to use it one day.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 19, 2015 9:23:45 GMT -5
DH's ex has one on him. Bet it kills her that he isn't dead yet, too!!
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