Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 17, 2015 18:18:33 GMT -5
So, when someone breaks up with you, and says something along the lines of "let's just be friends" or "we can still hang out sometime" do you, or should you take them up on the offer? Is the interest in "being friends" genuine or one of those bog standard things you say during a breakup, but don't really mean like "it's not you, it's me?"
I usually don't continue the relationship, friends or otherwise after a breakup. I think being friends with someone you dated would be awkward. Furthermore, would feel like I'm kind of being strung along, like I would be somehow a "backup" or "second tier" boyfriend. I've seen articles that this isn't uncommon, keeping "friends" to serve as backups in case your new relationship doesn't work out.
Anyway, maybe you guys can help decode the message at the end of a breakup "let's just be friends."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 18:24:17 GMT -5
I have only ever stayed friends with someone I dated if we were part of the same group of friends. It wasn't that I was hanging out with them so much as we were all hanging out. Otherwise no. It's just too awkward.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Mar 17, 2015 18:25:31 GMT -5
What laterbloomber said. I think it's just something said 99% of the time as a nice way of breaking up with someone. As you mentioned it's like saying "it's not you it's me" when they just really aren't into you for whatever reason. Your post made me think of a classic simpsons episode
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 17, 2015 18:25:31 GMT -5
"I don't want to date you anymore but we can still be friends" is just a lame attempt to soften the blow.
Some people end up being "friendly," of course, but I've personally seen very few relationships where serious daters or amorous couples remained "friends."
It's probably easier to do if you haven't gotten in too deep . . . if you get my drift.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 18:33:22 GMT -5
One of my best friends is someone I dated briefly almost 15 years ago. He was the one that decided he didn't want to date me anymore, but he didn't say "let's just be friends". It just kinda worked out that way.
I think saying "let's just be friends" can be that person's way of trying to be gentle or it could be that they genuinely like you as a person but they don't want to be romantically involved with you. It depends. And sometimes "it's not you, it's me" is the truth.
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quince
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Post by quince on Mar 17, 2015 18:34:40 GMT -5
It depends?
I've said before that I stayed in the life of my last boyfriend, until his passing, even after marriage and a child.
I hope that if my husband and I ever separated, that after a cooling off period, we'd be able to be friends. The things I like about him aren't just the things that make him a good partner. He's a good person, just in general. (Plus, we have a kid, so being friends would be awfully convenient.)
My mom stayed friends with my bio-dad, to the point of lending him money, even when he hopped employment to avoid garnishment for child support. I think for us she was as friendly as possible. It didn't pan out- he had a hard time even being weekend fun-dad. Parenting was not his talent, but she did try.
If you love someone, even when they stop being a good fit and you exit a romantic relationship, you can continue to be interested in their lives and want good things for them.
It also depends on whether or not you are the kind of person who has friends of the opposite gender. I am.
I have also only ever dated 4 people, so...small sample size?
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 17, 2015 18:42:36 GMT -5
It really depends why and how you broke up. An ex that broke up with me by just stopping talking to me on my birthday...took me over a year to even accept his apology. We became friendly and chatted for a while but no longer do. Another we broke up mainly because he moved (though it was coming either way) we stayed friends for about another year and it just faded out. My most recent ex who we broke up with because he decided to take a job that was almost all travel I'm still friends with. Though he disappears randomly with work. The last guy I was dating but didn't have a relationship with because he decided to move. We still chat. There's one ex where sometimes he'll contact me but I don't reply because he's treated me bad enough.
So it's a mixed bag. It usually doesn't work out well if it's not amicable and both sides see it's for the best.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 17, 2015 19:09:02 GMT -5
I third what laterbloomer just said.
What I do think is that if you have spent a lot of time with someone - not necessarily over a long period of time, but that person is currently filling most of your free time, that leaves a hole. It leaves you alone, and you lose someone that you currently trust or talk to or whatever. I think a lot of time people who are doing the breaking up need to believe that they can still call their ex- to talk or fill some time. Even if you are the one initiating the break-up, it is still a loss in your life.
Now, something I will tell my kids that are afraid to date anyone because they might ruin the friendship - go ahead and ruin the friendship! Do you know how many people I am still close to from high school and college, and even post-college? Basically zero. If you want to have that person in your life forever - the best possible way to hold onto that friendship is to marry them. Sure, 50% of marriages fail, but I bet the number of life-long male/female best friends as a percentage is far, far, far fewer than 50% of those that ever felt they were in a BFF relationship with someone of the opposite gender. I'd guess more than 1%.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 19:30:55 GMT -5
try to negotiate for friends with benefits
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Mar 17, 2015 19:34:22 GMT -5
I dated a guy who suggested we just be friends, I told him I wasn't sure I could keep my hands off him. I had been shopping for a house while we dated so I called him to tell him I was closing on my house, he offered to help me move. My closing was delayed a day so I called him and saw him once more then he helped me move. Another time he left a note at my house saying he had a friend who needed some accounting work done and asking if I wanted the job. I told him no I was too busy, he hasn't called again and it has been 29 years so guess we aren't friends. I dumped a guy before him that I stayed friends with a year or two once he found someone else, I talked him in to marrying her. I dated him in 1984 but I know I saw him sometime after 1992 so friends pretty long. I never called him so it was up to him to stay friends or not, I was discouraging without being rude.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Mar 17, 2015 19:38:27 GMT -5
I normally don't. I only had one ex I remained friends with for about a year or so with. Then one day my phone started blowing up after sending him a text informing him I was in the hospital. Apparently he was engaged and didn't tell her he still talked to me. I had no idea he was even dating anyone. I told both of them to stop calling me. I wish I had the idea to lecture both of them about showing a little respect and not inserting me in their drama from 250 miles away in a hospital bed, but I just wanted the hell rid of both of them. I haven't heard from either of them since.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Mar 17, 2015 20:35:44 GMT -5
Guys I've dated? Not friends with any. Guys I've strictly just banged? Still friendly with a few.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 20:39:48 GMT -5
I'm still in contact with one guy I dated in HS, 4 in college and 2 from later years. Contact is really just LinkedIn, FaceBook, the occasional e-mail and visits if we happen to be in the same town. I cut off contact with one because he's hurtful and hyper-religious. (He told me Jesus would want me to marry DH in the Roman Catholic Church after my Ex died even though DH and I had been married 7 years earlier in the Episcopal church with 3 priests officiating.)
For the most parts these relationships broke up without any fireworks. That, and a lot of intervening years, helps.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Mar 17, 2015 21:19:01 GMT -5
I third what laterbloomer just said. What I do think is that if you have spent a lot of time with someone - not necessarily over a long period of time, but that person is currently filling most of your free time, that leaves a hole. It leaves you alone, and you lose someone that you currently trust or talk to or whatever. I think a lot of time people who are doing the breaking up need to believe that they can still call their ex- to talk or fill some time. Even if you are the one initiating the break-up, it is still a loss in your life. Now, something I will tell my kids that are afraid to date anyone because they might ruin the friendship - go ahead and ruin the friendship! Do you know how many people I am still close to from high school and college, and even post-college? Basically zero. If you want to have that person in your life forever - the best possible way to hold onto that friendship is to marry them. Sure, 50% of marriages fail, but I bet the number of life-long male/female best friends as a percentage is far, far, far fewer than 50% of those that ever felt they were in a BFF relationship with someone of the opposite gender. I'd guess more than 1%. If I could like this part of your post more than once, I would! I dated a lot of "friends" in college, some who I'm still in contact with via Facebook (you know, that weird, kind of fake contact, but still, it counts!!). My mom told me when I was in high school to not settle and keep my options open. She explained that meant that I should date friends, even if it ruined the friendship. She said that the longest relationships were based on good friendships and good friendships didn't always last longer than a marriage. It turns out she was right-my DH and i were friends for a while before we started dating. We've been together 10 year (married 4.5) and things are still good. To answer the OP-I'm still in contact with a couple exes. But it took me a while after the break up to want to be friends. Even if initiated the break up. There is nothing wrong with being friends with your ex, but for me, I needed space to get over the relationship before I could consider him as a friend.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Mar 17, 2015 22:07:27 GMT -5
Nobody handed me that line when we broke up. However, I maintained contact with both of my exes after we broke up. This meant something in era before e-mail, cell phones and facebook. In order to maintain contact, you had to continually update folks on your new phone numbers and addresses or have a network of mutual friends. If you didn't do that, finding someone that you had lost contact with took a bit of effort and luck and might be considered intrusive.
Straight people with few gay friends did not understand why I maintained contact. Gay people did not ask. Maintaining contact with exes was pretty much a given.
I've thought a lot about this and do not know what to hope for. One part of me hopes that straight folks will pull their heads out of their butts and start being civil with their exes. Another part of me realizes that I grew up in a world that was pretty darn hostile to queer folk and that we maintained contact only because of that hostility.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Mar 17, 2015 23:12:51 GMT -5
So, when someone breaks up with you, and says something along the lines of "let's just be friends" or "we can still hang out sometime" do you, or should you take them up on the offer? Is the interest in "being friends" genuine or one of those bog standard things you say during a breakup, but don't really mean like "it's not you, it's me?"
I usually don't continue the relationship, friends or otherwise after a breakup. I think being friends with someone you dated would be awkward. Furthermore, would feel like I'm kind of being strung along, like I would be somehow a "backup" or "second tier" boyfriend. I've seen articles that this isn't uncommon, keeping "friends" to serve as backups in case your new relationship doesn't work out.
Anyway, maybe you guys can help decode the message at the end of a breakup "let's just be friends." She doesn't want to have sex with you but likes you? Did you ask her if she has a sister? You really should. What could it hurt unless you do want to try to be friends with her. I really think you should try to be friends with her. Even if it's to go out with her and some of her friends too to just have fun would be something I'd do if I liked the person. That's usually how you meet other people and it gets you out and about. If she isn't really wanting to be friends you'll know quickly. If you think you'll fall in love with her (or already have) then I wouldn't do this though. I'm so glad you're dating! <<happy dance>>
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Mar 17, 2015 23:37:07 GMT -5
IDK, if it's the beginning of a relationship (3 dates or less) I'd say the "Let's just be friends" is just part of the 'script' for ending the relationship. It's not like you are gonna keep going out to dinner or to movies or watch the big 'game' together. Of course, if you have a lot of mutual friends - the "let's be friends" can be a kind of request for a 'truce' - you guys end the relationship amicably so if/when you do meet up (probably with all the mutual friends) it's less awkward and can be socially polite with each other. I'd guess if you have been in a relationship for a while and hear the "let's be friends" - it's probably the "truce" thing again - you're ok with an amicable end (or will be eventually) to the relationship and if/when you chance to meet in public there won't be a scene. FWIW: if you've just had a couple of dates -- and if the other person knows a bunch of other people that you do not know - you might be able to expand your dating pool by "being just friends" if your ex invites you along to some group activity cause you are 'just friends' and enjoy some of the same interests. I'd avoid one on one 'just friends' outings... cause then you ARE the back up boyfriend or just a friend with benefits. If you are going out as part of a group you can make it known that you two aren't 'dating' - and can play the field.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 17, 2015 23:58:13 GMT -5
I think a lot depends on the people involved and how serious the relationship has been. I maintained friendships with some of the guys I dated, others drifted away. I always figured I couldn't have had a relationship with someone with whom I couldn't have had a friendship. I'm still friends with a guy I dated before I married my late husband. We keep in touch and keep one another up to date on happenings in our lives. It really depends on what you want, what you feel and who you are, I think.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Mar 18, 2015 0:22:42 GMT -5
I need to list my thoughts out for this one - 1- being ...let go is difficult enough. especially if you are happy and didn't see the breakup coming! then no! a friendship will be difficult to deal with 2- I think it is something just said to be polite to break up, not really meaningful. again keeping a friendship would be difficult and more work at staying friends than staying in a relationship. 3- it could be possible to stay friends but just ending the relationship. the friendship could be a responsible thing or dependable thing. you can depend on each other when needed. just ending the seeing each other so often. but if there was an emergency you have someone to call 4- you feel the same way that you two get along better as friends and really don't care when they start dating again 5- you have your eye on someone else. replacement is a great distraction and you are in a new relationship and could care less when the other person is dating but calls up to chat or lunch / drinks
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Mardi Gras Audrey
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Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Mar 18, 2015 1:49:16 GMT -5
What Tiny said.
In my (limited) experience, the "let's just be friends" is usually a more of a "Let's just agree to have a truce and not be hostile if we see each other around". Definitely no one-on-one "friend outings".
The only way this would not be the case (and you can go for an actual friendship) is if it is the beginning of the relationship and you aren't into it yet. In that case, it would be more of a "I like you as a person but I'm not romantically into you. Let's be friends because u are cool but I don't want to sleep with you".
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 18, 2015 3:01:03 GMT -5
Thinking about it, I recall having said "Let's just be friends" to someone I was dating many moons ago. He was a great guy and I really enjoyed spending time with him. We had fun together and had similar interests. I wasn't interested in a committed relationship, however, and I sensed he was starting to take things more seriously. I really did want to be his friend, so didn't say what I said with any intent other than that which I expressed. We did see each other once or twice, but I sensed he wasn't comfortable.
Like I said, I think it depends on the person.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Mar 18, 2015 13:01:04 GMT -5
I'm still friends with some of my exes. We go fishing together, out for a bite, a movie, to the lake, etc. It doesn't have to be awkward or uncomfortable.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Mar 18, 2015 13:04:39 GMT -5
IMHO "Let's just be friends" is a big F you. I am not a big enough man to get past that.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Mar 18, 2015 14:41:48 GMT -5
I don't understand you people, some of my exes aren't worth setting on fire and the rest weren't interesting enough to keep around after, that's why they became exes. I think you can glean from that tidbit that I would never use that line on someone for fear they'd believe me. To be fair, most of my exes are from HS, with the exception of XH and well, I have to sort of be nice to him since we have a kid. Without that connection, no way I'd have spoken to him or hung out with him in the years since it ended.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 18, 2015 15:16:40 GMT -5
I agree with laterbloomer - it has a lot to do with how many mutual friends you have. In my case, I dated very few people and almost exclusively dated around my group of friends. The only one of my exes I'm not still in contact with is my first boyfriend, and the only one who wasn't really part of my group of friends.
Otherwise, I'm on FB terms with one ex (though he fell out of contact with the entire group of our friends), but the other two I am honestly friends with. One was best man at my wedding. C and I have traveled to visit him. (He broke up with me.) The other was the last person I dated before dating C. He used to cook dinner for C and I, and we still see him when we travel back to that area. (I broke up with him.)
For me, though, the kicker is someone I never actually dated. I had a year+ long crush on a friend. I finally told him. He said he viewed me more as a little sister. 20+ years later, we go to lunch once a month to make sure we keep up with what's going on in each other's lives.
But, these people were all in my close circle of friends, and we played RPGs together. In the case of the ex who was later best man, he was running a game I was playing in. If I had stopped playing just because we broke up, the rest of the group would have been pretty pissed at us. So, we kept seeing each other every couple of weeks.
I am not saying these friendships were easy to maintain, or that there were never awkward or difficult moments. But, if both sides really are interested in being friends, it can work.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 18, 2015 15:24:43 GMT -5
I found my HS sweetheart on Facebook. I'd run into his dad at the gas station and was curious how he was doing.
We were both in drama club so "let's be friends" was an attempt to keep people from taking sides. Didn't work. He ended up distancing himself from the drama club and doing more in band.
We could probably be friends as adults but I am all right with letting sleeping dogs lie. He also no longer lives in the area.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Mar 18, 2015 19:23:00 GMT -5
Depends. High school boyfriend was gay. So, yeah we stayed friends for a couple years. my short term boyfriends we didn't stay friends because frankly one was an ass and the other cared a lot more for me than I did for him and it was awkward.
College long term boyfriend and I stayed friends and friends with benefits for a little over a year after we dated. Once we started dating our future spouses, it was awkward (he got really personal as to who was better on bed).
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 18, 2015 19:26:44 GMT -5
he got really personal as to who was better on bed Now you know you can't leave us hanging like that... What was the verdict? Who was?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Mar 18, 2015 19:33:51 GMT -5
he got really personal as to who was better on bed Now you know you can't leave us hanging like that... What was the verdict? Who was? My husband of course. Lol. Honestly, I don't remember now. Our sex life kind of stinks, but back then, the only noticeable difference was how I felt about the guy. . Ex BF got real specific like is he better at oral than me. What does he do that I should have in bed. AWKWARD.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Mar 18, 2015 20:29:40 GMT -5
Depends. High school boyfriend was gay. So, yeah we stayed friends for a couple years. my short term boyfriends we didn't stay friends because frankly one was an ass and the other cared a lot more for me than I did for him and it was awkward. College long term boyfriend and I stayed friends and friends with benefits for a little over a year after we dated. Once we started dating our future spouses, it was awkward (he got really personal as to who was better on bed).Seriously? Those are questions you NEVER ask. Ever.
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