Let's Just be Friends

[Apple]

I can think of a handful of times when it seems legit...  

You were friends before you started dating (but may take a while to get back into the friend thing--need space and time, and don't force it).

You're in the same "group" (so, like mentioned before)

You both still really like each other, but not as a couple, and really feel it's mutual (again, shouldn't force it).

You both have kids who are friends.  In that case, I can see keeping some sort of friendship, even if minimal, to allow the kids to continue to hang out (if they're too young to hang out alone).

You have kids together.

You work together, and don't need the break-up affecting your jobs.

Otherwise, the "let's be friends" thing seems to just be a "gentle" way to someone.

[Bob Ross]

I've never maintained a friendship (or even contact) with any of my exes.  It's not something that works for me.

That being said, I think there's a gender element to it as well.

If you're a guy, you're expected to be cool with your GF/wife maintaining friendships with some or all of her exes, and you're the dick if you're not.  I learned a long time ago that the only correct response if someone I was dating wanted to hang out with an ex was to shrug and say "sure" and trust that they were an ex for a reason.  Any other response would invariably lead to badness that I would come out on the worse end of due to woman-logic. 

However, there's not a woman on this planet who's cool with their man staying in touch with any of his exes (probably because you ladies know how you all are).
You can try to tell me that you're one of the enlightened ones and that I'm wrong, but I know that deep down inside, you're just fooling yourself, and I won't believe you.

A guy's "friendship" with an ex ends at the start of his next relationship.  The only exception is if there's something uncontrollable and unavoidable, like if there are kids involved (but she won't like it).

[Icelandic Woman]

I think it all depends on the circumstances of the relationship and breakup. I have stayed friends with several of my ex's. The only reason we lost touch was because I moved away and one passed away. This was before FB and social media.
I resisted FB for the longest time but when I finally relented there was a friend request from my ex husband. We lost touch over the years but were never unfriendly. I accepted and we caught up but his new wife seemed to have an issue with it so he had to unfriend me. Whatever! I told him to tell her that I am the last person she should be worried about, there is a reason I divorced him.
I did reconnect with my 4th grade boyfriend on FB. And we are now friends.
That is the thing I love the most about FB that you can find people from your past that you missed!

[Phoenix84]

Thanks guys, I figured that, except for a few specific situations, "let's be friends" was just just an attempt at being "nice."

[Phoenix84]

Mar 17, 2015 23:12:51 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Mar 17, 2015 18:18:33 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

So, when someone breaks up with you, and says something along the lines of "let's just be friends" or "we can still hang out sometime" do you, or should you take them up on the offer? Is the interest in "being friends" genuine or one of those bog standard things you say during a breakup, but don't really mean like "it's not you, it's me?"

I usually don't continue the relationship, friends or otherwise after a breakup. I think being friends with someone you dated would be awkward.  Furthermore, would feel like I'm kind of being strung along, like I would be somehow a "backup" or "second tier" boyfriend. I've seen articles that this isn't uncommon, keeping "friends" to serve as backups in case your new relationship doesn't work out.

Anyway, maybe you guys can help decode the message at the end of a breakup "let's just be friends."

She doesn't want to have sex with you but likes you?  Did you ask her if she has a sister?  You really should.  What could it hurt unless you do want to try to be friends with her. 

I really think you should try to be friends with her.  Even if it's to go out with her and some of her friends too to just have fun would be something I'd do if I liked the person.  That's usually how you meet other people and it gets you out and about.  If she isn't really wanting to be friends you'll know quickly.  If you think you'll fall in love with her (or already have) then I wouldn't do this though.

I'm so glad you're dating!  <<happy dance>>

I'm not dating right now. I was dating someone for a couple of months late last year and early this year, but she used the "lets be friends" line during the breakup. I'll probably start dating again here in a month or two.

[tloonya]

I think you can be friends if you have a lot going on except sex.
If you had a great time talking you can still be talking about things.
However if you have feelings it is not possible.

And of course if he tells you lets be friends - it is mean he lost
sexual attraction to you. But sometimes it is not all he had with you.
All depends on how you both feeling about each other.

[tloonya]

Mar 20, 2015 7:17:45 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Mar 17, 2015 23:12:51 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

She doesn't want to have sex with you but likes you?  Did you ask her if she has a sister?  You really should.  What could it hurt unless you do want to try to be friends with her. 

I really think you should try to be friends with her.  Even if it's to go out with her and some of her friends too to just have fun would be something I'd do if I liked the person.  That's usually how you meet other people and it gets you out and about.  If she isn't really wanting to be friends you'll know quickly.  If you think you'll fall in love with her (or already have) then I wouldn't do this though.

I'm so glad you're dating!  <<happy dance>>

I'm not dating right now. I was dating someone for a couple of months late last year and early this year, but she used the "lets be friends" line during the breakup. I'll probably start dating again here in a month or two.

Sounds like a plan.
Wait...how are you planning such a thing?

[Phoenix84]

It's easy, if I don't want to date, I don't ask women out.

[weltschmerz]

Mar 20, 2015 11:42:47 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

It's easy, if I don't want to date, I don't ask women out.

So, if a woman asks you out, you'll turn her down?

[Phoenix84]

Mar 20, 2015 11:46:46 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

Mar 20, 2015 11:42:47 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

It's easy, if I don't want to date, I don't ask women out.

So, if a woman asks you out, you'll turn her down?

no, but I've never been asked out. Even though the world has changed, men still normally do the asking. If a woman asked me out, I'd consider it, but the chances are pretty remote.