Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 23, 2015 6:23:30 GMT -5
I think it's sort of ridiculous to think that your children aren't going to learn that arguing isn't the end of the world unless they see their parents argue. Kids learn a lot of things in this world eventually, but that doesn't mean they have to hear it in their home where they should feel safe. I never heard the word "f**k" in my home, but I someone learned it was a word!
You just might be scaring the crap out of your kids arguing in front of them and I'm not sure it worth it to "teach" them a lesson they are going to find out all on their own. They find out early they have arguments with their friends, stop speaking for awhile, and then go back to being friends. They don't have to see mommy and daddy arguing to learn that.
My parents rarely fought but when they did, it scared me. I had several friends who parents had divorced. I didn't want it to happen to my mom and dad and it frightened me when they did argue. It just might be scaring your kids, too. Sure. People get divorced and I don't think it's any easier on those kids if they are slowly indoctrinated into the process by witnessing lots of arguments.
I understand the philosophy of teaching them a lesson....one they will understand when they are older. But while they are little, they might be just scared. I couldn't knowingly do that to my kids and then pretend it was somehow good for them. I still remember being afraid when my parents had a huge argument over a family matter. I remember it like it was yesterday and I remember sitting on my bed crying because I was sure I was going to have to live in two different houses like my friends. Not the end of the world, of course, and I understand that now...but I didn't then.
I see what you are saying GEL. But, in reality, nobody is "hiding" their disagreements or fighting from the kids. Kids can hear raised voices through bedroom doors. And, they can feel the tension between their parents who are mad at each. Disagreeing and having a few arguments is all part of life and we dont' need to try to pretend otherwise. However, I do agree that we have to learn to fight "nice" as well and that if the adults are starting to act like out of control idiots, then they need to get counseling for their sake and the sake of the kids.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 23, 2015 6:59:01 GMT -5
My Mom used to pull the "divorce" threat to my Dad when she didn't get her way, which was rarely anyway. I bought it for a long time and used to go to Dad to make peace, which was what she wanted me to do. When I got older, I stopped because I prayed they would and he'd take me with him. When I told her that, she stopped making the idle threat. But he told me that he would not get custody if they divorced, that she'd use me as a weapon against him forever so that's why he stayed. I lived with that guilt until I was 18 and then I told him he could escape now. He never did until he died. Even then, she took it personal.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jan 23, 2015 8:53:53 GMT -5
I think it's sort of ridiculous to think that your children aren't going to learn that arguing isn't the end of the world unless they see their parents argue. IDK, my first ex grew up with a single mom and from what I can tell he never saw her in any relationship. He always would get upset if we argued because couples aren't supposed to argue and therefore something must be really wrong with us. He truly believed couples should never fight. And even though we rarely did, for him it was a huge deal.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 23, 2015 9:25:32 GMT -5
You just might be scaring the crap out of your kids arguing in front of them and I'm not sure it worth it to "teach" them a lesson they are going to find out all on their own. They find out early they have arguments with their friends, stop speaking for awhile, and then go back to being friends. They don't have to see mommy and daddy arguing to learn that.
Maybe, maybe not. Depends what kind of household you grow up in. My friendships were far more healthy than my parent's marriage. I never had arguments with most of my good friends in HS. I also never stopped talked to them while we were in HS. DH and I only stopped talking to each other when things got super bad. But part of that is because I was working so much. It wasn't hardly the same though. Now my folks, it was common for them to get into fights and not talk for one to several months at a time. Good years, it was only maybe once a year. Bad years, it was cyclical and it happened 3 times. I was reflecting more about my situation growing up. Fights happened because my parents didn't know how to express their needs well. My mom couldn't just say "I'm feeling blank, I need a hug, chocolate, grown up time by myself, etc." She didn't know how to identify her needs and know how to fill them constructively. The fights came because dad and I couldn't guess why, at that moment she needed to feel like she was heard. And that we didn't know how to make my mom feel something different. (Yes, we were responsible for her emotions.) So because my mom felt like she was never heard, she felt like she had to "win" all fights. I grew up in a household where fights ended with my dad saying "Your right, I'm wrong" to my mom. So I learned, that in a fight a person had to be a a winner (thus "good.") and the other party had to be a loser ("thus bad."). I eventually believed that my dad (and generalized that all men) were stupid. Because why else would my mom pick a fight (to get to the stage of yelling, and where dad would end it in "Your right, I'm wrong..) over a measuring cup being left in the flour container. I mean, if dad was stupid enough to not be able to put a dish in the sink, how could he even function as an adult? And clearly, because he was the loser, my mom was superior. Sometimes, I'm truly shocked that my DH and I have stayed married in those early years. And I have to say, I haven't been exposed to a bunch of different marriages. But my parents was the only relationship I saw where a fight was not about working through something, but really only about assigning blame and making ones self feel superior to another person.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2015 9:39:11 GMT -5
Honestly, the only time my parents had an argument that we were aware of (i.e. could hear through the walls) was a huge relief for my brother and me. The tension in our home had been horrible for weeks. Everyone knew something was really wrong, but our parents were trying to act like everything was fine. We were very tired of being treated like we were stupid.
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Jan 23, 2015 9:53:11 GMT -5
Our last major, uncomfortable disagreement in front of DS was over Metro land planning policies. Pretty much as stupid and irrelevant as you can get. In my defense I was hangry. I like the term hangry! DH will get low blood sugar and it makes him hangry. I'm rarely truly angry, but low blood sugar definitely makes me snappish. Now that you've mentioned it, nearly all of the arguments I can recall probably had this as a trigger! DH and I really don't argue much at all. I think we've gotten all the topics of contention covered in 25+ years. I know we had some arguments in the early years BC, but we quickly learned certain fight fair rules: ultimatums are pointless, stick to the issue at hand, don't expand to include all personal faults (you snore, never do the dishes, have smelly feet, etc), no name calling or insults, listen to the other person, find a compromise, you do not need to 'win'. One of the biggest 'Aha' moments I had was when I admitted I was wrong about something. We were both well beyond whatever the initial issue was, just trying to prove I was right and you were wrong. Letting go of the need to be right, gave the 'win' to him, and totally defuses the arguing. I use this tactic often now, trying to show the kids that it's better to admit when you are wrong or at fault in a situation and apologize for it, rather than trying to shift the blame/fault to someone else. I'm not talking about always giving in just to avoid an argument ('cause I am stubborn enough to keep going when I am right), but rather acknowledging my errors and the valid points of the other person's argument or viewpoint. Then it becomes more a give and take discussion.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 23, 2015 10:01:55 GMT -5
Considering Dh and I are polar opposites on a lot of things, we actually don't argue/fight that much. That being said I am not terrified of my children seeing it. I don't want to be my parents, yes that was scary. But I also don't want to be DH's parents. I don't want to be my grandparents either. To this day my grandmother will maintain her and my grandfather never disagreed/fought. Yet they constantly sniped at each other and she constantly whipped him, HOW exactly is that better than never fighting in front of your kid? DH and I went thru a lot of counseling in order to try to find more appropriate methods of disagreeing with each other. 9 times out of 10 it works. One in ten we slip back into old habits. We're human beings, we're not perfect. Sometimes we will disagree and disagree strongly with each other. If the kids see us then we'll make sure they also see us making up. We'll explain that like everyone else sometimes parents disagree with each other and we don't always behave well. That was wrong of us and mommy/daddy need to work on that.
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