One Income Household and seperate Accounts?

[HappyLady]

For those who have one income households, do you still have separate accounts? How do you manage?

My husband and I married in our 30s, for the first time. Since we were a bit older, we each had established savings, investments, etc. As such, he wanted to keep our accounts separate.  He also saw his parents argue over pennies and have a challenge with joint accounts so he thought separate would help with that.  So, I agreed to leaving things separate (even though I thought joint would work fine).  His income always paid all our bills/mortgage etc.  And my money, aside from groceries/household items, was just my money.

Flashforward, I've now quit my job to be a SAHM (something I always wanted, and he has always been supportive of).  I think we probably should re-work the finances since I no longer have an income coming in.  He likes things the way they are, because it has previously worked in our marriage and we have never fought over money.  He does give me money for groceries.  And I do have a substantial 'safety net' of savings that is in my name since I was able to save a lot prior to being a SAHM--so if I needed something or just wanted something, I could get it without going to him.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?  It just seems a little weird to me, even though I think it's working okay.       

[Deleted]

Of course you never fought over money. You both had it. 

We are joint, but no way I'd stay home and have to ask my husband for money, and have him build up savings while I deplete mine. If he wants to keep it separate, he needs to pay you a salary. 

We do have separate iras, obviously... What goes in his, also goes in mine.

[HappyLady]

Even if he is building his savings up and I am depleting mine, it will still be awhile before they are equal. So, in that sense, I almost feel bad taking money from him. I know my savings won't last forever though, but my dilemma then becomes should I ask for a salary now? Or should I wait until things even out?    Neither of us are frivolous spenders. Although I do find comfort in knowing I have a nest egg and safety net...

[Deleted]

Your savings is bigger because he always paid more of the bills? Or because he spent more on his own stuff? 

[Deleted]

Do you have equal retirement? 

[lurkyloo]

I'm in a broadly similar situation (married late, kept finances separate out of convenience, quit my job six months ago, with a young son at home) and I am currently continuing to pay most of the bills I used to cover, just from my savings. I cover groceries, my personal costs including gas, most costs associated with DS including some part-time daycare, and some of the utilities.  The only thing that's changed is DH covering all of the mortgage rather than half of it.

The difference is that I fully intend to go back to work and am currently interviewing. Also, DH would give me whatever I wanted (financially or otherwise) within reason.  I don't think I'd agree to him keeping all of his earnings separate permanently, even if he is giving you grocery money.  Staying home with the kid(s) is a labor of love, emphasis on labor!  I think you should discuss an allowance for yourself, at least.  I can appreciate that there are psychological reasons why separate finances are more comfortable, but I don't think your current setup is fair (and if you thought it was fair, I doubt you'd have posted the thread...)

I assume you're not in a community property state? Do you intend to go back to work once your kid(s) hit a certain age?

[Deleted]

I don't see how you can maintain only separate accounts now that you are no longer working. Does that mean you'll be paying from savings to be a SAHM? 

This said, we married later in life, and always had BOTH separate accounts AND a joint HH account for household (basically all house bills and for our child together). 

You know, you can have both separate AND joint accounts. It doesn't have to be just one or the other. 

[HappyLady]

My savings is bigger because a.) I had a much higher paying job than he did for the decade I was working, so I accrued more savings. and b.) during the time of that we did live together, he always paid all the bills.  (He is old fashioned in thinking the guy should be the one to pay the mortgage/bills, so I let him .  And we wanted to prove we could live off his salary, since the goal was always for me to stay home once we had kids. 

[Deleted]

I think I'd term it allowance and make it minimal/moderate now. If and when savings balance you can negotiate a 'raise'... I personally though would start to feel really resentful if I was the only one making financial sacrifices to stay home. 

That and you should be getting money in your retirement. I'd actually work on that before the allowance/salary thing...

[HappyLady]

We are in a community property state.

Oped: I have a much larger 401k and IRA than he does--(goes back to the fact that my salary was much larger while I worked). 

Lurkyloo:  You are right, it doesn't seem fair,  but I'm having a hard time figuring out what is fair, because I know he doesn't have a lot extra after paying all our necessities.    

[Deleted]

You might be an anomaly. 

Will you go back to work eventually? How long will you likely be off? 

[TheHaitian]

because I know he doesn't have a lot extra after paying all our necessities.

So how long do you intend to stay home?

Because based on the above it seems he makes enough to cover necessities with some extra and you are using down your savings.
Do you both have enough saved for retirement? Emergencies? 
How long before you deplete your savings?

[lurkyloo]

She can transfer money to a Roth IRA from her savings?  That'll help balance things a little faster.

I would think about what your rough personal monthly expenses are (clothing replacement, what have you) and consider that as a starting number for what an allowance might be.  You can either cover large one-time expenses from your savings or sit down to discuss them with your DH.

I think your current setup is a dangerous path to go down--he'll start to take you for granted, and/or you'll get resentful and feel like you're not an equal partner in your marriage.  

[CCL]

Jan 4, 2015 19:30:16 GMT -5 HappyLady said:

My savings is bigger because a.) I had a much higher paying job than he did for the decade I was working, so I accrued more savings. and b.) during the time of that we did live together, he always paid all the bills.  (He is old fashioned in thinking the guy should be the one to pay the mortgage/bills, so I let him .  And we wanted to prove we could live off his salary, since the goal was always for me to stay home once we had kids. 

So then why keep everything separate?

[HappyLady]

Oped: I hope to stay home at least until the kids are in school, (figure at least 7 years) and even then, I'd like to only do something part time or school year seasonal. And by the time the kids would graduate, I'd be in my 50s.   So, if all works out, I'm not really counting on the idea of going back to into the workforce permanently.   But if I had to, I do have a college degree, and a decade of good work experience in corporate America.  

[Deleted]

Ok, then you need to think of this as your lifetime nest egg. You aren't likely to have another crack at it. I think at least minimally contributing... Say 1000$ To you IRA and 100$ a month allowance (ideas... You know what would work and be fair)... So it sets precedence and doesn't lead to resentment. Then I'd use your savings to finish maxing your IRA like someone said. Then in the future if it needs renegotiated you can. 

Just my thoughts.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"He does give me money for groceries. And I do have a substantial 'safety net' of savings that is in my name since I was able to save a lot prior to being a SAHM--so if I needed something or just wanted something, I could get it without going to him.":::...

When you say groceries, do you mean literally only groceries, or do you mean more figuratively that if there is a household expense of which you are in charge, he gives you the money to pay it.  In other words, when you are living off his income, you are REALLY living off his income (regardless of whose hands it gets spent by) vs. using your savings to augment what your lifestyle costs?

Its one thing for you to use your savings for things purely for you.  I agree you should be getting a [I'm going to use the word] "cut" or "service fee".

What do you hope to accomplish by re-working them?  You said you wanted to be a SAHM and he supports that.  Do you feel your current setup asks you to contribute money you no longer have?  Things seem fine based on what you've posted.

...:::"...but my dilemma then becomes should I ask for a salary now? Or should I wait until things even out? Neither of us are frivolous spenders. Although I do find comfort in knowing I have a nest egg and safety net...":::...

Personally, if there is an issue I think is going to be contentious, then I want to start the debate BEFORE I want to have the solution in place.  With something like this, the longer you wait, the more of a "shock" it may be.  He might (rightly) play the "what do you mean this is a problem, you've never said anything" card.

Unless you are unhappy with something, things sound great.  You are the anomaly.

[HappyLady]

Jan 4, 2015 19:50:49 GMT -5 CCL said:

Jan 4, 2015 19:30:16 GMT -5 HappyLady said:

My savings is bigger because a.) I had a much higher paying job than he did for the decade I was working, so I accrued more savings. and b.) during the time of that we did live together, he always paid all the bills.  (He is old fashioned in thinking the guy should be the one to pay the mortgage/bills, so I let him .  And we wanted to prove we could live off his salary, since the goal was always for me to stay home once we had kids. 

So then why keep everything separate?

That's kind of what I am questioning.  And the answer currently is because that's what my husband wants...he wants separate because he doesn't want to worry about 2 people drafting from the same checking, because his parents fought about money and purchases a lot and he thinks it's because they both used the same account, and because he has business money/properties etc., that he is also managing so he already has his money divided up between multiple accounts, so it's all already complicated. 

[bimetalaupt]

Jan 4, 2015 19:42:13 GMT -5 CCL said:

After working for years I stayed home with the kids. We always had jount accounts, but I was always in charge of managing our finances. He never cared what I did with it. Out of sight, out of mind worked for him. If we had a big expense coming up or were running short for some reason, he could usually pick up some overtime, so never really ran out.

We also stayed in the same house for many years, so that helped too. With me managing our $$ I got better at it as time went on and started saving more and more. I just could never see any point in going back to a job when I saved us more than I would have made working.

Eventually the kids got older and I like to stay busy, so now I work part-time, but only when I feel like it lol.

CheeseCakeLady,

It sounds like what my late wife and I DID.I ran the budget and she started her writing professionally full time.  We were able to live on two jobs ( both mine) as I had paid off our house 10 years early.  She had her account for writing , I had two accounts for investing.  Our CPA ran the numbers -lightbulb-and IT WAS NOT WORTH THE LOSE OF FREEDOM FOR HER TO TAKE ON A PART TIME JOB .  SHE JOINED ME IN EVERY OIL AND GAS WE DID. SURE MISS HER.

God Bless you and yours,

BiMetalAuPt

[Deleted]

I'm not sure you saw my previous post because we posted at the same time. 

It doesn't have to be ONLY separate or ONLY joint. You can still keep separate accounts AND a joint account. It doesn't have to be just one or the other!

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

First, I'm not feeling well, so im hoping this comes out right.

Well, let's go with respecting your husband's desire to keep separate accounts. Then, what if he took his net salary and split it 50/50. 50% goes into his account and 50% goes into yours. The two of you draw up a new list of responsibilities to adequately and equally cover from each account. Then, you're each responsible for your own savings and those responsibilities.

The only caveat would be if he's having large withdrawals from the gross. That might need to be considered.

[tootsieroll]

I have stayed home with my three kids for 7 years now. I did work part time in the evenings for 2.5 of those years.  I have a small 403b and a pension fund from teaching, and they continue to grow. My income from part time work would be divided between the emergency fund and surprise household expenses. I now tutor privately a few evenings a week, and that income helps the emergency fund as well.  I manage all of the bills and dh makes the money.  When I was working, it was about my career (moving across country), so now we are more focused on his career. We have joint checking and emergency fund, but he has his own retirement accounts and I have mine.  It works for us.  We don't spend much either - our big splurges are trying out new restaurants with the kids. I don't really get an allowance, but I have a need, then dh has no problem providing it. We always approached me staying at home from the savings standpoint - not paying daycare for three small children. Yes, I know I missed out on earnings, but we are okay with it.  We live below our means and save for the future.  When I work part time in the fall (my twins will start kindergarten), I plan to put most if not all of my earnings into retirement. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jan 4, 2015 20:21:41 GMT -5 CCL said:

Jan 4, 2015 20:11:00 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

I'm not sure you saw my previous post because we posted at the same time. 

It doesn't have to be ONLY separate or ONLY joint. You can still keep separate accounts AND a joint account. It doesn't have to be just one or the other!

I would agree with that. In my experience though, things go more smoothly when the joint or household account is "controlled" by 1 person, with input from the other and subject to change, of course. It's hard to keep track if both are paying bills, using debit cards, hitting up the bank machine.

The latter is easily fixed by using YNAB and its mobile app.
We will make converts out of all of you sooner or later

[bimetalaupt]

CheeseCakeLady,

Celia also had her degree (BBA) in Health care management.  The CEO at he hospital I ran the pharmacy in had offered her a job running the operation and accounting.  This is what she did at St. David Hospital in Austin.   She was the Stocker Mom with a Porsche 911.   Celia also watched me to be sure I eat correct and did my 5 miles every day...etc. We love to sing with my Piano pitched up to A5= 444(brain wave memory enhancing).   Life is all about detail execution of long term plans and proper management of your long term goals. 

Before you give up your freedom do the math.

Just a thought,

BiMetalAuPt

[Bonny]

Jan 4, 2015 19:58:41 GMT -5 HappyLady said:

Jan 4, 2015 19:50:49 GMT -5 CCL said:

So then why keep everything separate?

That's kind of what I am questioning.  And the answer currently is because that's what my husband wants...he wants separate because he doesn't want to worry about 2 people drafting from the same checking, because his parents fought about money and purchases a lot and he thinks it's because they both used the same account, and because he has business money/properties etc., that he is also managing so he already has his money divided up between multiple accounts, so it's all already complicated. 

I was in a different situation than you (no kids) but you may find my experience useful.

I quit my job when DH's (dear husband) job relocated from CA to AZ. I agreed even though I had a good job because;

1) DH had gifted me 1/2 of a substantial inheritance two years beforehand

2) His job paid considerably more than mine

3) I had hit a plateau in my career and was in a somewhat hostile work environment.

4) We agreed to keep the SF Bay Area house in case I hated the metro Phoenix area.

I would have not agreed to the relocation without substantial joint savings.

One of my "jobs" was to take over the books. We actually converted "my" checking account into a property account. Therefore at the beginning we had our savings account, a new joint/house account, our Southern CA cabin (inheritance) account, and now our SF Bay Area House account. It took us a bit of getting used to but we would work with a joint budget and each of us would have a monthly personal allowance. This was separate from groceries.

DH never carried the checkbook. Since I paid all the bills there wasn't any issue with overdrawing the account because he only used the ATM card for cash or picking up groceries. Anything else we discussed.

Eventually we added two more properties with their own bank accounts (and then moved to Bonn, Germany  and added two more bank accounts!) and I continued to handle the books and the property management of the properties.

Although DH officially retired 2.5 years ago, I'm still working part-time.

ETA: I do think you need to put your foot down as oped points out. Quitting your paid job will change things. Although I stayed busy with our properties and volunteer work there was more than once when DH tried to pull the "I'm making the money and I will make the decisions" card.

Your DH is not your boss and he does not get to make the decisions. You guys are partners and you make decisions TOGETHER.

[Deleted]

I would agree with that. In my experience though, things go more smoothly when the joint or household account is "controlled" by 1 person, with input from the other and subject to change, of course. It's hard to keep track if both are paying bills, using debit cards, hitting up the bank machine.

Honestly, DH and I had SO many arguments about money in our early days together, but not about this. We both put the same amount into a joint account at the beginning of each month (at the time we were earning the same amount and both working so we did not have the SAH parent issue to contend with). I do all the bill paying, but DH does 50% of the grocery shopping.  

That joint household account is used for anything and everything that deals with running our household: mortgage, groceries, meals out (unless we are treating each other), natural gas, electricity, water, property taxes, landline, cleaning lady, and everything for DS3 (our child together) except for his tuition (which DH pays for), some gifts.

[bimetalaupt]

To All,

I have a question. What is wrong with being a full time "Professional " Mother? The best indicator for a child to succeed in Education is the education level of the mother. This was the core problem of Celia's last ( unfinished) book. 

Thank-you for your and thoughts,  God Bless you and yours.

Bruce 

[Deleted]

Nothing Bi. Professional kind of indicates 'paid' though  

[Deleted]

I agree, Bimetal. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Plenty of people aspire to being a SAH parent.

But, it implies that the other parent's salary can support the family, which is not always the case, even when one parent really wants to stay home with the children.

(Personally I chose the worst or best of both worlds, depending on how you look at it. I always worked PT LOL. For the past two years I've worked FT, but I work FT over 3 days a week, so I'm still home 4 days a week, even though I'm working (prepping or marking papers.)

Me too, I'm so sorry about you losing your Dear Wife so young. 

[bookkeeper]

We have had both systems in use in our house. My DH was a salary employee and I worked part time hourly and ran the kids and household.

We each had separate checking accounts for about the first 15 years of our marriage, started having kids after our 5th anniversary. He was the higher earner so he paid the mortgage and utilities. My checking account covered groceries, school expenses, clothing, household, etc. DH preferred that method so no one overdrew due to the other spouse debiting the account. It worked for me too. If I needed money, DH would write a check to me.  At tax time one year DH wished out loud that all those checks he had written to me through the year were tax deductible, as in "the Church of the Bookkeeper".

We made a career move that required a relocation.  DH took a CEO job and I was working part time with school age children.  At that point we went to one checking account and two savings accounts. I found this method worked best if one person paid all the recurring bills.  Both partners read the list of bills every two weeks, keeping everyone on the same page.  I also got cash for DH on a regular basis so he didn't have a need to write small checks or make small debits. 

You don't say how long you have been married.  I would encourage you to set some financial goals together with your spouse and then work on them.  Make that your focus instead of how many accounts you use or who pays what bill. 

It is good to be on the same page about money before your kids come along.  Life is stressful enough without arguing about money.