Rules for guests and pets

[Firebird]

With the last major family holiday of the year right around the corner, I thought this might be a fun discussion topic today  

What are your "rules" (for guests OR hosts) when it comes to pets?  Here are a few of mine:

Guest

1.  If there's an allergy concern for a member of your family, let the host know in advance.

2.  (Related to #1)  If a member of the family cannot sit directly on furniture that animals are in contact with, bring a shawl or small blanket or something unobtrusive to drape on the couch before sitting.  Doesn't always fix the problem but usually helps.

3.  Make sure all kids know not to touch the pets without permission before leaving the house. 

4.  If kids are too young to understand #3, supervise them at all times. 

Host

1.  If possible, have pets completely out of the way (like in a separate room) during the gathering. 

2.  If #1 is not feasible, make sure the pet doesn't disturb the guests (i.e. do not let your dogs jump on guests or slobber all over their faces in excitement). 

3.  Keep a special eye on any kids present just in case their parents are too stupid to know about #4 on above list.  If they're getting too close, have a distraction ready. 

4.  Try very, very, very, very hard to accommodate allergy issues*.  Keep the pet completely away from the person with allergies and make sure the house is as clean as possible before the gathering.  Also that there is non-fabric seating available. 

*As a kid, I was horribly allergic to cats and dogs.  I can't count the number of family gatherings I attended as a kid where there was nowhere for me to sit and/or the animals were all over me because no one made any effort to keep them away.  I got VERY sick which pretty much ruined the holiday and, as a bonus, made me feel totally unwelcome.  So the allergy thing is a big issue for me. 

[yogiii]

Honestly, if I had a kid with severe allergies to animals, I wouldn't go. 

[flamingo]

My DH has a severe allergy to cats. My parents believe it's their job in life to have cats in the house. Currently, they have 3. I love them, I grew up with cats, no biggie for me. But, my DH who's eyes swell shut after too much time around cats is miserable. He'll make the effort to go with me if I want him to, but mostly it's not worth it. My mom feels like she has to do a deep clean and keep the cats in the basement, which is nice of her but really unnecessary. So, they travel to us instead. I guess our feeling is if you want to see both me and DH, you have to come to us. My mom's feeling is, if I don't have to clean, i'll gladly travel to you

I was afraid of dogs for the longest time. My uncle had a dog that knocked me over when I was 2 or 3. Total accident, but I was terrified of dogs for a LONG time afterward. My uncle did nothing to keep his dog away from me when we were at his place. Therefore, we didn't go to his place unless my mom or dad were able to run interference the whole time. My uncle once tried to bring his dog to our house and was PISSED when my mom wouldn't let the dog inside. First, we had cats, second, the dog was hyper, third, I was afraid of it. I'm less annoyed by your pet at your house than I am if you insist on foisting your pet on me in my own house!

[Green Eyed Lady]

I do keep my dog out of the room if guests are present (guests with small children).   He and I live alone and he is not socialized with it comes to children.  What I mean by that is he is not used to being groped, having his tail pulled or having his feet stepped on.  While I would bet my home that he would never hurt a child, I've seen too many people swear that and the next thing you know, a child is bitten.  I absolutely will not take that risk with a 110 pound dog. 

However, it is his home.  He lives there.  My house is obsessively clean, but all he has to do is walk into a room and there will be dog hair.  If someone is allergic to dogs, they should just not come to my house.  I would do whatever I could to make sure their visit was comfortable, but it won't be perfect after 2 minutes!

Firebird...you are very considerate of your guests and it appears you are a hostess to be envied.  I'm sure having had your bad experiences makes you even more sensitive to the needs of others.  Good for you.

[shanendoah]

Honestly, my friends who don't like dogs don't come to gatherings at my house. We understand and respect that. Instead, we go to gatherings at their house, where they have cats, which C is allergic to, but likes. He just makes sure to wash his hands after any interaction with the cats.

My friend who likes dogs but is allergic comes to my house. She takes her allergy meds before coming over. I make sure to finish my vacuuming generally within 30 minutes of when people are scheduled to arrive. I even pull out the couch cushions and vacuum the entire couch. I wipe down leather furniture, but also tend to pull out a computer chair (something the dogs aren't used to being on) and wipe it down so she has a relatively safe place to sit. She knows our commands and how to safely physically prevent our dogs from trying to jump on her lap. We pay attention and call them away any time they seem to be showing too much interest in her.

If people are only coming over for an hour or so, locking the dogs away is not a big deal. But if people are going to be over for several hours, then I am not willing to lock the dogs away for that entire time. They are generally closed away as people arrive and leave (as those are the highest stress times), but otherwise are out visiting. The people who come to my house know there are dogs, and sometimes come to visit more for the dogs than for me. (Well, the come to visit the Beagle, anyway.)
We make sure to have kids eat at the table, and I tend to eat on the floor (as all of our seating space is generally taken up by other guests). That keeps the dogs focused on me and my plate (even though they know they won't get anything) and away from anyone else.
Kids are never alone with the dogs. Dogs always have the option of escaping to our room, which is their safe place. Children are not allowed in our room and that is made clear. Otherwise, most people in the house are dog people (yes, that includes my guests) and are good at helping supervise children and dog interactions if my back, or the parent's back is turned. At the same time, just about every kid that would be at our house for a holiday gathering, has a dog of their own, so they know some basic manners.

[Firebird]

Firebird...you are very considerate of your guests and it appears you are a hostess to be envied. I'm sure having had your bad experiences makes you even more sensitive to the needs of others. Good for you.

I try.  I like to make guests happy and see that they have a nice time.  Plus I hate it when people spend 20 minutes telling me how creepy and ugly my cat is, so keeping her in another room is a way to avoid some of that.  

I appreciate your stance on kids and dogs, especially if your dog isn't used to them.  Too many people take a "whatever" position and that leads to bad things happening.  

Honestly, if I had a kid with severe allergies to animals, I wouldn't go.

When I was younger, we had no space to host anyone.  We lived in a teeny, tiny apartment.  Like 400 square feet.  No way could we have hosted anything, ever (nor would anyone have been inclined to come even if we did).  So the choice was to not see our families on holidays - ever - or to go visit them and try to make provisions for my allergies.

If the pet wasn't in the room and it had been freshly vacuumed, I was usually fine.  Or much, much closer to fine than if there was pet hair everywhere and little Spunky or Nutty was running around free, which was almost always the case. 

I'm less annoyed by your pet at your house than I am if you insist on foisting your pet on me in my own house! 

Ohhh yeah.  Anyone who brings their pet over to my house and expects it to be let in (especially without discussing it with me first) is barking up the wrong tree.  Pun intended.

We once had babysitters bring their dog over after I asked them not to, PLUS they waited until we were gone before bringing it over.  Talk about passive aggressive.  I was spitting mad and ready to tear them a new one but DH talked me down since the dog was getting along surprisingly well with both the baby and the cat.  It was one of those little pocket size dogs - if it had been anything bigger/hairier, I wouldn't have let that slide. 

[Firebird]

If people are only coming over for an hour or so, locking the dogs away is not a big deal. But if people are going to be over for several hours, then I am not willing to lock the dogs away for that entire time.

Totally reasonable.  And the measures you take for your allergic friend would definitely have sufficed for me.  It's too bad more people can't be considerate like you. 

[cronewitch]

Our family is opposite, three dogs live there, sometimes other dogs visit so could be 5 dogs. Nobody is allergic and dogs like kids and food, no kids are young. Rule is food isn't left where dogs can get it so push dishes away from the edge in the kitchen and never leave food without watching dogs. Dogs will jump on guest because they are happy to see them so give dogs a treat to distract them. If you see a large dog with a ball in his mouth and put your foot on the ball he will not like it, but if you take his ball and throw it he will got get it, he is under the table so you can't put your feet where you want unless you can get him to leave, he is center of attention.
If you have an important occasion like a wedding or funeral reception dogs must go to doggy daycare or to another house even if everyone will miss them. Doggy daycare has them on webcam so you can still see them but they miss out on all the food and jumping on people.

[yogiii]

I suppose my problem with this is that even if it were MY kid that had allergies I would not expect others to accommodate us.  I would probably say something like "Well x has severe allergies and it would be too uncomfortable for her to attend.  We'd be really happy if you could give us a time convenient for you to stop by our house so we can wish you a Merry Christmas.  If not we totally understand, it's a busy day/week".  

Now if I said that to any of my family members, I know they would immediately inquire as to anything they could do to accommodate us, hoping that we'd somehow be able to come.  And that's fine and very gracious.  That's when we could go into vacuuming, blankets, keeping the dog away and I'd mention that we'd keep our portion of the visit short.  However this is not something that I would expect from everyone.

[zibazinski]

Funny, my friends with allergies say if I vacuum or dust before they come, it's worse for them. 

[Firebird]

Now if I said that to any of my family members, I know they would immediately inquire as to anything they could do to accommodate us, hoping that we'd somehow be able to come. And that's fine and very gracious. That's when we could go into vacuuming, blankets, keeping the dog away and I'd mention that we'd keep our portion of the visit short. However this is not something that I would expect from everyone.

That's kind of my point, though... why would you NOT try to accommodate a family member whose allergies might prevent them from coming?  To me, that's just good manners.

My mom would always make a very polite call to the hosts reminding them of my allergies.  Their reaction was usually to say something like "Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me!  I'll remember to put Stinky in the yard and we'll have the boys vacuum really well ahead of time."  Then we'd arrive (usually after driving a fair distance) and none of that would be done.

It made me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  Not only was *I* causing trouble for everyone by getting sick so we had to leave early, but my relatives didn't even care enough to try and make it easier for me, even though they said they would.  I especially hated the times when they waited until we were there to put the animals in a different room and made a point of saying how lonely and sad they would be up there all alone. 

[zibazinski]

Dec 18, 2014 13:56:11 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Now if I said that to any of my family members, I know they would immediately inquire as to anything they could do to accommodate us, hoping that we'd somehow be able to come. And that's fine and very gracious. That's when we could go into vacuuming, blankets, keeping the dog away and I'd mention that we'd keep our portion of the visit short. However this is not something that I would expect from everyone.

That's kind of my point, though... why would you NOT try to accommodate a family member whose allergies might prevent them from coming?  To me, that's just good manners.

My mom would always make a very polite call to the hosts reminding them of my allergies.  Their reaction was usually to say something like "Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me!  I'll remember to put Stinky in the yard and we'll have the boys vacuum really well ahead of time."  Then we'd arrive (usually after driving a fair distance) and none of that would be done.

It made me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  Not only was *I* causing trouble for everyone by getting sick so we had to leave early, but my relatives didn't even care enough to try and make it easier for me, even though they said they would.  I especially hated the times when they waited until we were there to put the animals in a different room and made a point of saying how lonely and sad they would be up there all alone. 

Assholes. That'd be the last time they'd see me or mine.

[Firebird]

Assholes. That'd be the last time they'd see me or mine.

Eventually we did stop going as often, but you know how family can be.  Sometimes they guilt you right into doing something you swore the previous year they'd never rook you into doing again. 

I actually like most of my relatives, and I don't think they were being malicious.  They just didn't think about how their actions and words might come across to a little kid.  The message I heard was "it's really annoying that you have allergies, we wish you wouldn't put us out so much by coming over" but I doubt it's the one they intended.

[yogiii]

Dec 18, 2014 13:56:11 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Now if I said that to any of my family members, I know they would immediately inquire as to anything they could do to accommodate us, hoping that we'd somehow be able to come. And that's fine and very gracious. That's when we could go into vacuuming, blankets, keeping the dog away and I'd mention that we'd keep our portion of the visit short. However this is not something that I would expect from everyone.

That's kind of my point, though... why would you NOT try to accommodate a family member whose allergies might prevent them from coming?  To me, that's just good manners.

My mom would always make a very polite call to the hosts reminding them of my allergies.  Their reaction was usually to say something like "Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me!  I'll remember to put Stinky in the yard and we'll have the boys vacuum really well ahead of time."  Then we'd arrive (usually after driving a fair distance) and none of that would be done.

It made me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  Not only was *I* causing trouble for everyone by getting sick so we had to leave early, but my relatives didn't even care enough to try and make it easier for me, even though they said they would.  I especially hated the times when they waited until we were there to put the animals in a different room and made a point of saying how lonely and sad they would be up there all alone. 

But if that's how my family treated my kid's allergy, I wouldn't go, so back to my original post.
I get that you'd never see that family again but I have a hard time wondering how close the connection is if they're throwing out guilt and acting like you're in imposition.

FYI- I think we're generally on the same side but clearly you're sensitive about this due to your experiences (which is perfectly understandable and fine).

[greeniis10]

For me:
Rule #1: Do not be a host.  This all sounds like way too much work. 

Rule #2: If I do choose to host, only invite pets.  The humans seem to be the "way too much work" factor.

(I'm just kidding, by the way.  Not making light of any real allergies or bad memories for anyone.)

[steph08]

My dogs live in my house, guests don't. If they don't like my dogs or don't want dog hair on them, they are welcome to not come by.

That doesn't pertain to allergies though - I don't have any friends/family with pet allergies.

In your situation - If I invited someone over who is allergic to my dogs - I would do a deep clean (which I would do for any gathering) and lock the dogs in the master bedroom or (finished) basement. I'd probably do that for any fairly large gathering though, because my dogs like to be up in your grill and beg like they've never been fed before.

[Firebird]

Yeah, I think we're saying pretty much the same thing

I get that you'd never see that family again but I have a hard time wondering how close the connection is if they're throwing out guilt and acting like you're in imposition.

Like I said, I don't think they meant it to come across that way (most of the time).  Anyway, I can see both sides.  It IS your house, and the pets' home.  They have every right to be in their own home - guests do not have that same "right" to be there. 

I just wish people could be more honest with each other, you know?  Especially with family.  I know that's a tall order but so much of this unpleasantness could be avoided if people could be straight with each other about the reality of the situation rather than just "hoping for the best" on both sides.

[yogiii]

Dec 18, 2014 14:10:02 GMT -5 Firebird said:

I just wish people could be more honest with each other, you know?  Especially with family. 

Yes, I have that issue also and it has nothing to do with pets.  I'm very blunt (obviously).  Some people can't handle it, so I feel like I have to dance around them.  I don't like that kind of dancing.

[Abby Normal]

All of our family (on both sides) has animals so we don't have to worry about allergies.  Ours are crated in another room (much to everyones disappointment) because I have high energy dogs and people coming over is like giving them crack.  And the family loves it and they rile them up even more.  I hate that, and it's not how I want them to behave when guests are over, so the dogs get put away. 

Both my mom and MIL are bringing their dogs.  My mom, because she stays all day and her little shit can't be away that long.  MIL's because he has serious health issues.  I really don't like either one coming, but one is at least a good natured dog.

My mom said my sister wants to bring her dog.  I said NFW.  Her dog can manage and she'll not be away any longer than when she's at work.  I was kinda of pissed it was brought up.  We have a small house.  11 guest and 5 dogs is way to0 much. 

[Firebird]

Yes, I have that issue also and it has nothing to do with pets. I'm very blunt (obviously). Some people can't handle it, so I feel like I have to dance around them. I don't like that kind of dancing.

Me either.  Tell the damn truth already! 

[Tiny]

Eh, I have cats... they hide when I have guests. For the big holiday events I host - I make sure they have food/water/cat boxes in the room they like to hide in. If I didn't have pictures of the cats on the Fridge - no one would know what they look like - they've never been seen by visiting family or friends.

I tend to try to get my vacummning/dusting done 24hrs before the allergy sufferers are due to come over. I put clean covers on the living room furniture (after it's been vacummned/wiped down from the night before) the morning of the event (usually by time I'm vacummning/cleaning the cats know something 'bad' is coming and they usually head for their bedroom and watch the activity from there.)

The allergy sufferers all tend to take some 'allergy drugs' either before or right after arriving. the people with the worse allergies tend to only stay a couple of hours. Apparently, their allergies are bad enough that my house is not the only place they have to cope with so they know to do the drugs and plan to not stay long.

I make sure to use the couch covers and guest towels that are ONLY used when people are over. I launder all of those things separately from my regular stuff (which is filled with cat dander/hair/cat spit) I also store this stuff in a closet with non-cat coated stuff that the cats don't have access to. Not sure if any of that makes a difference...


All I can say is - it sucks to have allergies.

[Tiny]

I have had visiting dogs at my house but not for big family events. The goggies usually spend time out in the fenced yard (SQUIRRELS!!!) or confined to the kitchen (don't want a cat/dog run in - Cthulhu doesn't like her sleep being interrupted. )

I can't imagine wanting to bring my dog to someone's house - I'd have to keep an eye on the animal ALL the time. I'd hate to have my dog do something, um, unpleasant at someone else's house (barf, bite someone, break something, or just generally get into trouble in an unfamiliar place/with lots of people)

[Chocolate Lover]

I am one of those allergy sufferers and it is uncomfortable to visit somewhere that I have to sit on the hard furniture or suffer the consequences. When I was a kid, Benedryl was my only option and that made me sleepy. There are better options now but don't dare forget to take it far enough in advance. I did just that not long ago and was at my aunt's for a couple of hours and was happy to see my inhaler when I got home. I can last an hour comfortably and maybe 2 if it's a short trip back to the house.

I understand they're your pets and it's their home, but don't you care about your human family members that you invited over just as much? (General question not directed at any of you, more for those like Firebird's family who couldn't be bothered)

[Bob Ross]

My rules for guests with pet allergies:

Deal with it and get a real immune system already.  Your ancestors didn't claw and scratch together miserable lives amongst piles of fetid corpses during the Spanish Influenza pandemic so you could be rendered incapacitated by little flakes of cat skin, you p*ssy.

[shanendoah]

I love my dogs. And in general, I like dogs more than people. My dogs definitely live in my house, which is why, if people are going to be over for more than an hour, dogs are out and about.
At the same time, I also don't get not making an effort for family and friends.
The first time we invite anyone over, we make sure to let them know we have two dogs and give them a heads up warning about the Terrier's personality. Letting people know in advance, and giving them the option to back out, express concerns, or let us know about allergies just creates a better/safer environment for everyone. And a safer environment for the people equals a safer environment for my dogs.

When people first enter our house, the dogs are closed away. We have them sit and give them some dog treats, and then let the dogs out. The dogs tend to be much more accepting of new people who are both already sitting AND have treats for them.

It is nice now that they are old enough to know when they need a break and take themselves away from the situation. When Junebug was a puppy, she would get to the point where she knew she needed a break but couldn't manage to actually take one. (She'd go back to our room and stay there for like 30 seconds.) As soon as we noticed that behavior, we'd bring her crate out to where ever we were, and she would rush in. We'd close her up and she'd make herself comfortable and take a nap.
Now, she and Larry are both able to just go- I'm done with this for now and head into our room for a nap. Generally what happens is that C or I will look around the living room and notice we're a dog short. One of us will then go peak our head back in the room and find the "missing" dog curled up on the bed/in the dog bed/in the closet hidey hole.

[happyhoix]

I can't imagine wanting to bring my dog to someone's house - I'd have to keep an eye on the animal ALL the time. I'd hate to have my dog do something, um, unpleasant at someone else's house (barf, bite someone, break something, or just generally get into trouble in an unfamiliar place/with lots of people)

This is because you're a thoughtful human being.

My little sister, who is a 45 year old spoiled brat, asked me if she could bring her enormous dog with her the last time she stayed overnight at my house. I have two cats, so I didn't want her to bring it, but she whined about how sad the dog got when they had to board him. I said you can bring him, if you keep him either tied up in the yard or in the garage, so he won't upset my cats, who are not used to dogs - especially dogs that are big enough they can stand on all four of their feet and still put their head on the kitchen table.

Sister got to our house and let the dog loose. The cats had to flee through the cat door to the screened porch and they had to spend the whole weekend there, because sister let her dog have the run of the house. Dog ate hamburger meat off the kitchen counter, and then raced up and down the stairs, barking loudly, with her screaming children. Sister said nothing, not to the kids or the dog, all weekend, but let all three of them act like heathens.

Learned my lesson - won't ask sister back to visit again. There are nearby hotels where she can park her circus act. I'm sure she will have one of her melt downs, but screw it.

[zibazinski]

[Firebird]

Dec 18, 2014 15:34:56 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

My rules for guests with pet allergies:

Deal with it and get a real immune system already.  Your ancestors didn't claw and scratch together miserable lives amongst piles of fetid corpses during the Spanish Influenza pandemic so you could be rendered incapacitated by little flakes of cat skin, you p*ssy.

So succinct!  I knew I was doing something wrong all these years. 

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 18, 2014 15:34:56 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

My rules for guests with pet allergies:

Deal with it and get a real immune system already.  Your ancestors didn't claw and scratch together miserable lives amongst piles of fetid corpses during the Spanish Influenza pandemic so you could be rendered incapacitated by little flakes of cat skin, you p*ssy.

and I need you to deal with my SIL, who is also mortally afraid of allergy shots.

[violagirl]

I have 3 dogs and 3 cats so I am selective about who I have over. If you have allergies I feel sorry for you but I'd say you have a losing battle coming to my place. Take lots of Benedryl before you come by. Why do people pet the cats and and let the cats rub all over them then say "oh i'm deathly allergic to cats". 

Our dogs are kind of touchy dogs, I usually have to give people the speech before they come over. Ok - when you first come in dont' talk to the dogs, it just makes them more excited, do not try to pet them or talk in high pitched voices, just let them calm down. At some point a dog will manage to get their tongue in your mouth. You won't see them coming. They are small but I swear they can jump from across the room before you get a chance to defend yourself. Just roll with it. If the older female starts making high pitched noises, just back away slowly - that is kind of a warning signal she is going over the edge with excitement and could bite you. We usually try to take the dogs for a very long walk and tire them out in the afternoon if we are having someone for supper. If it is going to be too chaotic, or if we have people over who arent' "animal" people, we will crate the dogs in another room. Occasionally you get that one person, usually a man, who likes to tease the dogs. Terriers dont' appreciate being teased and they have teeth, please dont' create a situation. 

We do not have children over. If peopel have kids we go to their place.