daisylu
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Post by daisylu on Mar 4, 2011 9:26:34 GMT -5
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Mar 4, 2011 10:02:49 GMT -5
I hid a little cash when married but only because I needed a little security, I wasn't planning to spend it. He would spend every single cent and I hate being broke. He didn't like debt but felt no need to have leftover money. I saved a little bit a few times then ended up spending it on things after I told him about it. But then I took over the money and just didn't tell him how much was in the joint account. He could deposit but only got one blank check and asked me if we had enough when he wanted to buy things.
We resolved the me being too cheap to watch him squander money problem by him keeping what he wanted from each paycheck when depositing. He gave him the bank receipt from his deposit and I didn't ask what he kept. He would bring home things he bought and I wouldn't ask what they cost, I didn't want to know.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 4, 2011 10:03:56 GMT -5
Nope, I don't do any of those. DH and I are in this together. Hiding stuff from him defeats the purpose.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Mar 4, 2011 10:04:59 GMT -5
Nope, I don't do any of those. DH and I are in this together. Hiding stuff from him defeats the purpose.
Purpose? What purpose?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 4, 2011 10:12:09 GMT -5
Nope, I don't do any of those. DH and I are in this together. Hiding stuff from him defeats the purpose.Purpose? What purpose? The purpose of getting married. You know, to have someone to go through life together with. Someone to raise the kids with.......that kind of stuff.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Mar 4, 2011 10:16:03 GMT -5
The purpose of getting married. You know, to have someone to go through life together with. Someone to raise the kids with.......that kind of stuff.
Okay, gotcha... I guess the sarcasm went right over your head.
What's up with you Swamp? You've been rather testy lately??
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Mar 4, 2011 10:28:17 GMT -5
Does anyone here do any (or all) of these?
No. I do keep an envelope with $20's stashed in it, but he knows it's there. I don't need or want financial secrets and he'd never tolerate it. We're a team.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 4, 2011 10:32:44 GMT -5
The purpose of getting married. You know, to have someone to go through life together with. Someone to raise the kids with.......that kind of stuff. Okay, gotcha... I guess the sarcasm went right over your head. What's up with you Swamp? You've been rather testy lately?? sarcasm requires this dude , otherwise I have no idea you're being sarcastic. And I'm always testy.
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Urban Chicago
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Post by Urban Chicago on Mar 4, 2011 10:39:51 GMT -5
I don't do secrets either. I have one brokerage account that is in my name only, as that is money gifted to me by my grandparents. However, DH knows about it and roughly what it's worth. He also knows that I intend to pass it on to our kids some day, or to benefit both of us in retirement.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Mar 4, 2011 10:40:05 GMT -5
sarcasm requires this dude , otherwise I have no idea you're being sarcastic.And I'm always testy.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Mar 4, 2011 10:42:47 GMT -5
It seems a bit antiquated... SAHMs used to squirrel away secret accounts in case their husbands ever decided to trade them in for a newer model and leave them with nothing. Now with most women working outside the home, I doubt this is as common as it used to be.
Personally, I don't have any need or desire to keep any secret accounts from my spouse. We have one joint account where our paychecks go, and we each have a separate account from before we were together. I think it might have like 3k in. No big deal.
On another board I frequent, a woman just posted yesterday that her husband found out about her secret stash that she had been squirreling away for ~8 years. I guess it was around 30k. They had been through some tough times financially, and he was enraged when he found out about it because they could have used that money when times were tight. She posted that her husband wanted a divorce because of it. :/
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2011 10:46:30 GMT -5
I loved the one who hid $800K from her husband in a secret bank account. How do you accumulate and hide $800,000? I guess you use one of the other lies- don't tell your spouse what you really make.
I'm lucky- DH knows what I have and where it is, but as long as he can sit in Business Class on ouir annual trips to Europe and throw things like hummus and fancy frozen fruit sorbets (which are healthier than a lot of snacks) into the grocery cart without worrying about the price, he's happy.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Mar 4, 2011 10:59:26 GMT -5
My DH has no clue how much money we have and where we have it. I never specifically hid it from him, but I don't advertise it either. If he knew our real NW, he would want to send even more money to his parents and I have no energy left anymore to keep explaining to him that it might look good on paper, but for our age, size of our family, etc etc it's not that much.
Lena
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 4, 2011 11:00:48 GMT -5
Both of my 87 year old parents do this. My mom has told me where in the house her stash is as dad doesn't know about it. Dad never spends his change. He always uses bills and always pays by cash when he goes anywhere. He keeps the change in jars on his dresser. He has been able to pay cash for a lawn mower and snow blower in recent years with his jar money.
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daisylu
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Post by daisylu on Mar 4, 2011 11:01:08 GMT -5
I think you would be surprised. I could easily envision a lot of people squirelling away money - especially those who have been burned in the past.
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Post by illinicheme on Mar 4, 2011 11:01:46 GMT -5
The only thing I hide from my husband is chocolate. I'm completely capable of eating one or two pieces a day over a long period of time. If he sees a bag of candy, it's gone in about three days.
I did have a "work spouse" at my previous job, but it wasn't a secret. Both of our spouses knew we were good friends, and all four of us get along well.
I am proud of my ability to make the majority of the money, but I wouldn't phrase it "I'm happy I make more money than you" and it would never occur to me to say something like that to DH.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 4, 2011 11:12:33 GMT -5
This may be outside the scope of the article, but I never understood why people would let themselves be mistresses and let a married man buy them expensive stuff in exchange for sex. Do they have no self respect?
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Mar 4, 2011 11:12:46 GMT -5
We have separate accounts and I don't know from week to week what's in DH's, nor does he know what's in mine. As long as the bills are paid and we're saving, what difference does it make? We don't have debt except for the mortgage for the house he bought before we met, so if doesn't make any difference to either of us who else would even care?
It works for us - no need to change.
I've been burned before and I don't want to have only combined accounts - was married and when we split, I ended up with almost nothing - never again. DH knows that and is fine with it.
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Post by justwhoever on Mar 4, 2011 11:15:32 GMT -5
no I don't do any of those things. I am fairly certain DH doesn't either.
But how the would you keep what you make from them? Even if you don't file joint don't you have to know their AGI or something?
I know of someone who kept things from her husband and there have been way too many times I've had to show him the newspaper where his own home was going up for Sheriff's Sale!! But she also told the welfare office that she was getting a divorce so she could get food stamps and then tell her husband that she needed money for food for the week.....
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 4, 2011 11:21:25 GMT -5
I loved the one who hid $800K from her husband in a secret bank account. How do you accumulate and hide $800,000? I guess you use one of the other lies- don't tell your spouse what you really make. I'm lucky- DH knows what I have and where it is, but as long as he can sit in Business Class on ouir annual trips to Europe and throw things like hummus and fancy frozen fruit sorbets (which are healthier than a lot of snacks) into the grocery cart without worrying about the price, he's happy. How do you not know what your spouse makes? Don't most spouses file joint tax returns?
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 4, 2011 11:21:53 GMT -5
I'm not directly guilty of any of these things. Our personal accounts aren't "secret" (in the sense that we know they exist) but neither of us access the others.
There have been times in the past I did not admit that Grandma and Grandpa slipped me $50, because I knew darn well her response would have been "oh good, you can take me out to dinner". Its not a fear now, but I still don't admit it. Of course I also tell her that she should keep some cash for herself, so I don't see any harm or foul there.
The office spouse thing -> Emotional Affair thing is far too grey. ANYTHING could be considered an EA, even this whole forum thing we all do. I like to think that we HELP people deal with their problems better by giving them either impartial advice, or other perspectives.
The spending more on the mistress than the wife shouldn't be a surprise at all. If the wife was giving the husband what he needed (or vice versa) then there wouldn't be a need for an affair.
...:::"How do you not know what your spouse makes? Don't most spouses file joint tax returns?":::...
I could see this happening. In times past, once in a while we'd get a $500 fast track or something. That wouldn't be apparent in the end of year total when filing taxes, but its still money.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Mar 4, 2011 11:23:43 GMT -5
DH had a credit card that I wasn't fully aware of (knew he had it but not what he was spending on it). And he would pull the old "oh, I bought this a while ago" trick. But he grew out of that stage back in 2008. I have co-workers that got pissed when we switched to direct deposit because then their wives would know how much they made. Guess they were cashing their checks and giving their wives what they claimed they earned and keeping the rest for beer money and such.
I have a friend at work that I talk to and hang out at work with but we have a really small office and I work for my dad so this guy is friends with the whole family. I am friends with his wife and mother in law too. We went out for lunch this week and met up with my DH at the restaurant. Nothing secret about that at all.
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kimber45
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Post by kimber45 on Mar 4, 2011 11:24:03 GMT -5
no I don't do any of those things. I am fairly certain DH doesn't either. Read more: www.notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=finance&action=display&thread=4286#ixzz1FeGsI2rsSame here. But then again I handle 99.9% of the finances. The only thing I can remember hiding financially from DH was his Christmas present one year. But then when I gave it to hime he knew exactly what it cost because he had been eyeing it for a while, but if he ever looked at the checkbook he would've know immediately what I did.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 4, 2011 11:40:11 GMT -5
I wish I had done it in the many years before my divorce. I will never let myself be so vulnerable again. I'm glad to have my own source of income and can support myself. DF, of course, will make my life much nicer, but I wasn't living horrible before I met him so I'm fine with it all.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 4, 2011 12:18:48 GMT -5
The spending more on the mistress than the wife shouldn't be a surprise at all. If the wife was giving the husband what he needed (or vice versa) then there wouldn't be a need for an affair.
The logic is there, but on an emotional level I never understand this statement. How does unfulfilled home life translate to justification for cheating?
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kimber45
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Post by kimber45 on Mar 4, 2011 12:39:35 GMT -5
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 4, 2011 12:41:27 GMT -5
...:::"I have that same problem, I'm almost positive I've told him things and he just forgets that I did":::...
This delightful little problem is something I've considered installing a taping system to fix. DF and I have had a few "I told you/no you didn't" type of fights when we are each sure we are right.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 4, 2011 12:42:05 GMT -5
I daydream about keeping a secret account and being able to surprise dh with a car that he really wants.
I can't seem to get him even remotely involved in our finances (sore spot), so who knows, someday it could happen...
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 4, 2011 13:17:21 GMT -5
I don't know that we keep secrets. DH is very good at not spending cash, whereas it flows through my fingers like water. And his former company used to pay Christmas bonuses and profit sharing in cash. So there have been a few times when he's surprised me with something, simply because its been so long that I've forgotten he had cash. (Because if I'd had it, it would have all ended up in the vending machine.)
raeoflyte: I would be wary about surprising DH with a car, even if your DH doesn't pay attention to the finances. My DH and I have this conversation EVERY Christmas when the car gift commercials are on. Even if I were getting him his DREAM car, he would not want me to buy it without talking to him first. Its just too big an expense. As it was, he gave me a look when I got him a Swiss Army brand messenger bag for Christmas this year. (Since he was going back to school.) He used to sell luggage and knows what Swiss Army used to go for. I had to 1) assure him that I bought it at Target, on sale, and 2) remind him that we each have an allowance we are allowed to spend however we want, and if I wanted to buy him a Christmas present with mine, that was my business. The funny thing is, the very first thing he bought after we went to the allowance system, was a gift for me, which was 3x more expensive than the bag.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Mar 4, 2011 13:31:37 GMT -5
I reserve my right to hide chocolate from DH & the kids.
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