Parent meddling in marital/financial issues

[midjd]

This is primarily a relationship question, although it stems from money. I'll try to keep it brief and would REALLY appreciate any advice, since I am at a loss and everything I've tried so far seems to have made things worse.

DH and I have been together for about 6 years (married 18 mos). We recently went through a few big life changes - in January we bought a house and DH quit his job to go back to school. He will graduate in mid-2012 and hopefully find a job soon thereafter.

(For YM purposes, my job is stable for at least 2 years, we have a sufficient EF, are paying for DH's school OOP (except for subsidized Stafford loans) and are fully able to live on either my or DH's income indefinitely. We've budgeted to assume it will take him 6 months to find a job, though I'm aware it could take longer.)

The day after we moved into our house, I got a long email from my mom. It started off OK, but degenerated into her opinion of DH (moocher, golddigger) and his family (white trash) and how she thought I was making a huge mistake by having his name on the title to the house. Oh and that he should be "kissing my feet" for having a wife who would let him go back to school and live in a nice new house. (Nevermind the fact that DH worked to put me through law school and provided half the DP for our house... and does the vast majority of the housework, including the ucky things like cleaning litterboxes and taking out trash).

I was FLOORED. I get that her opinion is coming from a place of love and concern (at least I hope it is) but it was extremely upsetting. Especially considering the fact that I do not share any aspect of my finances with her, she barely knows DH's family, and has no basis for assuming any of the hurtful things she said about him or our relationship. And ESPECIALLY considering the fact that she is a complete financial trainwreck and should be the last person to worry about anyone else's money or relationship issues.

I replied by email, which was a mistake. Condensed version: "I appreciate your concern, really, but I am an adult, and have been for almost a decade. Please never say anything like that about my husband again." Well this set off a shitstorm of massive proportions. She followed up with several rapidfire emails blaming DH for everything I've done "wrong" in the last 6 years. I replied that I wasn't going to continue these conversations via email, and we should meet to talk about it. She never responded, and it's been about a month since we've spoken.

I'm not sure what she expected to come from her email - "OMG! You are so right! I will go file for divorce first thing tomorrow morning. What was I thinking, marrying someone who is loving and hardworking and picks up his own socks?" If she had such a problem with him all along... why not mention it before we got engaged? Or married? Or bought a house? Why wait until after everything is said and done? Just to hurt me?

Part of me says that I should just let it go... she and my father had an extremely bad marriage and I think that has permanently soiled her view of the institution. I'm not sure that she understands that marriage = partnership - because she and my dad never were - and that, while she will always be my mother, I'm not going to automatically take her side over DH's. Reading between the lines of her email it also seems as though she is suffering from a bit of empty nest syndrome.

At the same time, I am not going to interact with someone who openly badmouths my spouse and continues this even after I've asked her to stop. Whether or not she likes it, DH is my husband. I wouldn't put up with this treatment from DH's family (and thank goodness, "white trash" or not, they are lovely and have always treated me like a daughter) and I certainly don't expect him to put up with it from mine. I think being around her will be really awkward until we can clear this up.

I hear a lot about in-law problems, here and elsewhere, but I'm at a loss what to do when it's my own mother who is the MIL from hell! Any advice? I know this is a long post, if you've read this far, thank you!

[achelois]

I don't have much advice except to say that I think you did the right thing by setting the boundary and not permitting the denigration of your husband to go on.

Parents should refrain from interfering in their adult childrens' marriages and not offer "advice" unless their opinion is specifically solicited.

I was always glad my parents followed that precept.

[Deleted]

What strikes me as oddest about your situation - if your mother had all of these intense concerns, why didn't she contact you (whether by e mail or in person) while you were in the process of buying the house? You were moved in and locked into the house and mortgage by that time. Why not take you aside earlier to vocalize those types of concerns? That would be the first thing I would ask her.

[Gardening Grandma]

I also think you did the right thing via email. I would NOT meet to discuss it in person. There really is nothing to discuss. You may have to continue to set very clear boundaries. If she starts it up, you may have to say, "Mom, this is not up for discussion".

Hopefully, in time, she will come around. But even if she doesn't, she should have enough respect for you to respect your boundaries.

[sil]

Sorry to hear this.

I agree with prior poster. You did the right thing by sending your mom that email. It's up to her to come back to you with a sensible reply. In the meantime, if I were you I'd be happy about getting the silent treatment.

[debtheaven]

I'm going on the assumption that your DH has no skeletons in his closet, doesn't have anybody buried under the house, and isn't secretly still married to somebody else. I say this because I think you need to blow your mother off (hopefully temporarily) but I would be beyond furious if I did that and then found out there was indeed some issue hidden somewhere.

What your mom said is pretty awful. BUT, as a mom of four kids myself (three young adults, one minor), I have to ask, do you have any idea of what provoked this rant of hers? Does she have ANY reason for it, even if you consider that reason to be unjustified?

You say you were FLOORED. Have have you ever asked her what provoked that statement? That's the first thing I would do. You need to confront her on this, ideally in person, and politely, and outside, ie in a restaurant so you both have to be polite.

If after asking and getting an answer you can safely say there is NO reason for her emails, then I think you need to cut her off, hopefully only temporarily. Don't be cruel about it, she's your mom and she loves you. If you do decide that, tell her you need some distance / time to think.

But I'm guessing there is probably SOMETHING that provoked her concern. Unless she has a history of being irrational. And frankly, it doesn't sound like she does, otherwise you would have mentioned it. I'm sure she overreacted, but my guess is she overreacted to SOMETHING.

Again, the first thing to do is to discuss it (ideally in person but I don't know the distance between you.) It just sounds like it's totally coming out of left field, personally I think there is more to this story, even if you are not necessarily aware of it right now.

Best of luck to you!

[Deleted]

Your mother is worried about you . . . all mothers do. You don't say your age, but she is probably my generation. I inwardly cringe when I hear my daughter say they are paying off her husband's student loans first. So if they get divorced, she will owe $50,000 and him possibly nothing. (She's a pharmacist, and he's a lawyer.)

The difference, though, is that my cringe is inward and not expressed. My job is to love and support my daughter, not to criticize any of her decisions unless they are causing her physical or psychological harm. But always remember that I "truly like" my SIL with all my heart, but she is the daughter that I can't help but want to protect.

All that being said, you absolutely did the right thing. Your mom is way out of line. Your relationship and your DH's relationship is between the two of you. Unless you asked for her opinion, she shouldn't have one said aloud.

My ex MIL had it exactly right. When you told her something, she said, "Well . . . " We'd ask each other what she said and laugh when we repeated, "Well . . . " That is exactly what moms and mil's should say after their kids get married. I actually try to practice it myself.

[Plain Old Petunia]

Maybe your Mom is genuinely concerned that you are getting the short end of the stick? If it were me, I think I would be willing ONCE to sit down and clear up any misconceptions leading to her conclusion that dh is a moocher. Beyond that, stick to your guns. You are an adult, make your own decisions, and dh is your life partner now.

[Deleted]

I think your mom is just being a mom and chose the wrong words.
My mom had the same reaction when I married my wife and supported her for 2 years while she was going to school for her masters. She was mostly worried about me and that I was being taken advantage off.

I understood where she is coming from...because at that time my cousin was getting a divorced from his wife that he put thru not only undergrad but also a graduate degree while he only has a high school diploma. She was making more than 3 times what he made and he was too proud to ask for spousal support.

On a regular she asks me when will I be going back for my masters because she wants my wife and I to be on equal footing. Lately she has been more persitent since she found out that my wife is thinking about going back to school for her PhD next year.

[midjd]

Thanks for the responses

Debtheaven, I'm really not sure what precipitated it. DH has some financial messiness in his past... he declared Chapter 7 about a year after we'd been dating, but my mom has known about this since before it happened. She even commented to me at the time that she thought he was doing the right thing (since he was only 23 and it would be better to "fail fast" rather than drag it out for years). His credit is OK now, not great, but recovering.

I think I may ask her what caused the sudden concern, it is puzzling. It really did seem to come out of the blue. It may have more to do with her personal life - she just broke up with her boyfriend, who was unemployed for the entire 2 years of their relationship and a bit of a mooch. She may be on a "men suck" kick and doesn't want to see me lose my shirt in a divorce. Also, my brother, who tends to be a little on the irresponsible side, has really shaped up lately and I honestly think she's bored without the drama he and her ex provided. Her subsequent emails had some other comments like "it's obvious you don't want my advice on anything". I think that after spending the last 27+ years raising kids, she is a little lost without someone to advise (or as I see it, boss around). But like Lena says, I could be wrong. I've been wrong before

[Deleted]

If you figure out how to get a mother not to be a MIL from hell, please let me know. My mom and my fMIL are like that and are making my wedding planning hell.

[wvugurl26]

Maybe she is bored or maybe something set off her rant. I went to a lot of great places and did some great things with my last long term boyfriend. He supported me for 2 years after we got our bachelor degrees while I got a masters degree. I paid for my tuition and books with loans but he paid most of the living expenses.
Now the relationship wasn't all happiness and all such but it wasn't awful. I will tell you my family thinks I was badly taken advantage of to this very day and we've been broken up for 2 years now. I think its a protect your family thing and maybe some bad information on their part.
As I sit here typing this it dawned on me, do they really know he basically supported me? They do know we lived rent free in a townhouse his parents owned but beyond that I'm not sure they know he paid the utilities and bought the food. I contributed when I had a job but it didn't always work with my school schedule.

[Deleted]

My mother said something pretty much along those lines to me face to face. DH had no business being a student when we had three kids, he needed to grow up and support his family, yada yada yada. He had the GI bill and a full time job and went to school full time as well. When he graduated first in his class of more than 2000, she didn't say congratulations, she said "now it's time to get a job." Oy!

On to grad school, and the same old refrain from dear old mom.

Then the money started rolling in.

What did mom say? Nothing. What did she do? She went back to school herself (while my youngest brother was still in elementary school), finished her degree, went on to grad school. When she graduated I asked her if she could then see the value of DH's education. Her reply? "That was different. He's a man and should have been supporting his family." (Never mind that he was!)

IMO your mom is as out of line as mine was. And as wrong. It has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with your DH. I'm thinking that your mom has something else going on and you were the handiest target for her to unload on.

Probably not a good idea for you to make any response at all. Give it a while, give her a call if you haven't heard from her, and don't even mention it. If she brings it up, decline to discuss it.

Chihuahua! You know the old saying: If it's not one thing, it your mother ;D

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

"I appreciate your concern, really, but I am an adult, and have been for almost a decade. Please never say anything like that about my husband again."


I think you did a great job. You said it all in the above sentences. It is nice to hear a wife rave about her husband and defend him.
Your mother needs to understand that it is about time she relate to you as a mature, confident and secure adult that you are, and not a four year old.
Mothers seem to have problems recognizing their "little girls" are grown up and on their own.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Wow. I am sorry to hear about this. I think you've done the right thing so far. My only advice is to get the book "Boundaries" by Clark and Townsend and read it ~ it will help you to continue to set reasonable and healthy boundaries with your mom.

While your mom's initial e-mail, while misplaced, rude, judgmental, critical, etc. MAY have been well-intentioned on her part, the rapidfire response emails continuing her rants can't reasonably be construed as "well-intentioned." It's clear your mom has issues, and you are wise in doing what you can to keep HER issues from becoming YOUR issues. She may have years of pent-up concerns. She may have mental health issues. She may be going through menopause with hormone surges. I don't know, and you may not, either.

Hang in there. Set good boundaries. Stick to your guns. (And get that book!)

[wvugurl26]

I think my family suffers from that "little girl" problem. I am the only girl on dad's side of the family and I'm sandwiched between the boys. Even after I had graduated with honors from WVU in 4 years despite a 180 degree major change (biology to finance), my grandpa still grumbled that I could have went to the branch in my hometown.
Grandma still doesn't know why her grandkids have to live in these far flung cities. Never mind my brother and I are the furthest away at 5 hours.

[debtheaven]

Mothers seem to have problems recognizing their "little girls" are grown up and on their own.

Yes. That's exactly why I offered my DD and her BF a "nice lunch" if her BF of two years would accompany her to her college exam for our first choice college, instead of taking a day off myself from my most lucrative teaching job (75/hr). Plus at 51 I guessed she'd rather go with him than me. I asked her, and she told me yes she preferred to go with him. But I still regretted it and decided to call in sick. My "little girl" wouldn't let me LOL.

But everybody knows, per SF, all wives, girlfriends, fiancées and daughters (ie "little girls") always fluck up, or spend too much. Seriously SF, don't you EVER get tired of posting this sort of carp?!

Midwestern, you need to sit your mama down and go through it all with her. You can always cut her off later. Again, best of luck. Please let us know what happens! I hope it works out for you. And I agree, you did right to side with your DH, but I think you need to find out why your mom said that.

[wvugurl26]

Ok I know SF rants about women all the time. I swear I'm not helpless and I've handled a lot of things on my own but to hear my family talk sometimes you'd think I should never leave the house. If my grandpa were still here I could only imagine him fussing about me living where I do. He always encouraged me to do well in school and he helped fund my living expenses in undergrad but he just thought I could have stayed closer to home. My brother moved to the DC burbs of MD at 18 the summer he graduated high school and that was ok but he's a boy.

[debtheaven]

WVU YOU aren't the problem. Not at all.

[debtheaven]

This message has been deleted.

[sbcalimom]

"I appreciate your concern, really, but I am an adult, and have been for almost a decade. Please never say anything like that about my husband again."

My mother pulled an almost identical rant when DH and I were about to move to NorCal so he could attend grad school and I responded almost the same way. She was furious and threatened to stop speaking to me and I said, go ahead. She wanted me to choose between her and my husband and I politely informed her that if she forced such a choice I would always choose my husband and I didn't think that was what she wanted. She stopped speaking to me for a few months and then when she did, often started conversations by badmouthing DH. As soon as the badmouthing started, I would politely say "Mom, I'm not going to discuss this with you any further since you know my stance, I have to go." After a few months of that, she realized I was serious with the boundaries I had set and wasn't going to budge. She eventually gave it up and moved on to harassing em about other things . Regardless though, stick to your guns regarding the comments since you are definitely justified. If you want to find out what exactly prompted her rant, then I agree a neutral location in public would be good but I also think you would be justified in just letting it go if you don't really care what prompted it.

[wvugurl26]

Congrats to your DD. It seems like she's found her niche.

[debtheaven]

WVU
I guess you saw my deleted post! Thanks and karma to you for your support!

[MN-Investor]

I know it's an off the wall question, but I am serious - is there a possibility your mother was drinking when she wrote that email? The fact that it started out reasonable, then degenerated, might indicate she was sipping as she was writing.

[wvugurl26]

I can edit it if you'd like DH.

[midjd]

Thanks again for the responses and suggestions.

Molly, thanks for the book recommendation! I'll have to check it out. Boundary issues is definitely a phrase that brings my mom to mind. And I never even considered that it might have been menopause-related... she is 51 and has been in the process for a year or so.

MN, that would be a possibility, but the email was sent around 4pm, while she was at work. The later emails may have been booze-inspired, though... I think they were sent in the evening.

WVU and missrigby, that's what cracked me up about her email - she was so quick to jump on the fact that I was supporting DH while he was in school (the horror) and totally overlooked the fact that he supported me for 3 years in law school! I paid for my tuition and some expenses with SLs, but if not for DH I would have easily twice as much debt. (I chose to move across the country for law school before he and I started dating - he tagged along, which was quite a leap of faith on his part).

Again, thanks for the support. Sometimes it's hard for me to look at family matters from an objective view, I wasn't sure if my response was right or not. I would never side against DH but I hate to not talk to my mom. I hope she comes around soon.

[lurkyloo]

Midwestern: Agree with other posters that you handled it very well. But I wanted to raise another possibility: is this sort of rant (regardless of subject matter) in character for your mother? Because if not, it's leaving me wondering whether this could be a sign of dementia-inappropriate outbursts like this sometimes are. Either way, I bet if you ask her whether she's seen her doctor lately because you're worried about this being a sign of dementia, she'll stop raising the subject

[stats45]

I think you handled this very well midwesternjd.

Does your mother have a history of mental illness? That or substance abuse could explain the odd email.

The only other thing I can think of is that is a cry for help for herself. I don't like dealing with any drama so I really avoid dramatic people, but I think that some people like to insert themselves into dramatic situations or create them because they don't feel a part of something. If her relationship broke up and she isn't providing support and advice (or even gossip and instructions) to her other child, she may be feeling out of the loop.

It can be a transition for parents to go from advisor to benevolent observer, and if she is otherwise good to you and your SO, it might be nice to forgive and continue to make your expectations clear as you did.

[Deleted]

Is your mom a super-traditionalist? I've found that certain people think it's totally ok to have a male support a female but not to have a female support a male.

And menopause/break up will make a huge difference - my mom was utterly nutters during her hormonal shifts.

[Elizabeth]

I was thinking the same thing as some other posters. Maybe drunk, on new medication (Allegra makes me really weird, well weirder than normal ) or just plain having a bad day. I'm sorry you have to deal with this though. My mom and I have had some pretty nasty fights over the years and was really painful.