motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Mar 3, 2011 23:04:20 GMT -5
Boy I can totally relate to alot of the comments! I love my mom dearly, but she rules and no one ever wins against her. I will egg it on sometimes, but as things start to escalate, I finally give it up. I hate for my stepdad to pay the price after we all leave. I don't mean to make her sound like a terrible person, but we all have alpha dogs in the dog yard. But, having said that, I finally understood after being a grown up for many years that a lot of my mothers opinions about things stem from something in her past. So instead of realizing that others need to do their own thing, she gives her advice, and doesn't like it if you don't take it. Even though she thinks she's helping, it will have the opposite effect. I've unfortunately had 2 failed marriages, and now they both thing they have the right to yay or nay anyone I might think about getting involved with. While this rankles (is that a real word?!?), I just let it go because my own personal decision is I'm done with dating and relationships. When I told my parents that I was selling my house and moving a little further away (but still in our county) my mother didn't speak to me for months. And she to this day will say I was very rude about the way I told them. believe me, that's her opinion because my 7 year old son was the one that started the conversation by blurting it out. I was moving from a stone's throw from their house to about 15 minutes away. You'd think I was moving to another country. And when I truly needed their help and support, it wasn't there. Now, having said all my dirty laundry, I totally support the way you tried to nicely put boundaries on your mother's ranting. I think she is reflecting back on the bad decisions/circumstances of her own life, and thinking the same thing is going to happen to you. But, as you've pointed out, DH supported you, and now you are reciprocating. And besides, while it's true that some people do all the supporting while their significant other goes to school and then they split, just as many (and probably a lot more) continue to live in a loving relationship, and everyone benefits from the higher education. I know it's extremely hard when it's your mother, but stick to your guns. if she continues to talk trash about your DH and his family, you don't need that kind of toxicity in your life. Good luck. Maybe she'll eventually come around.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Mar 4, 2011 1:33:59 GMT -5
Sometimes mothers need a time out. My parents wanted to treat me like a child after I was married, I gave them about 3 years to get over it. I moved thousands of miles away and sometimes didn't even tell them what state I lived in. I would send letters to a friend in another state to mail to them so I was living in Florida and Georgia and they thought we were in NY.
I was mostly irked because they treated my SILs like adults and they were 3 year younger.
You did the right thing not discussing your spouse or marriage with her and telling her to back off. Give her a time out, send her emails about nothing or ecards but don't discuss your life or marriage until she starts showing you some respect.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Mar 4, 2011 7:38:07 GMT -5
Tell mom that you both like the idea of DH not working and are thinking of him being a house husband, when the kids come along.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Mar 4, 2011 7:47:08 GMT -5
Tell mom that at least when you split up, he will be able to pay alot more child support now that he has a good job!
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Urban Chicago
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Post by Urban Chicago on Mar 4, 2011 11:09:54 GMT -5
I'm surprised no one has mentioned this part of your post.
Could it be that at least part of her anger is due to the fact that while your DH is in school, you'll have less money to help her out? And the house title thing, does she feel that will prevent her from moving in?
For the record, I think your response was right on.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 4, 2011 11:40:39 GMT -5
I am guessing this has a lot to do with it. Possibly coupled with hormones, drinking, dementia or all the other possibilities mentioned. When you are going through a tough situation, then you tend to see it everywhere. So your mother is probably just seeing parts of her relationship in yours & jumping to the conclusion that you are headed down the same path.
I think you responded well. I would just let her continue the silent treatment until she feels ready to talk to you. At that point you could either tell her that the subject is not open for discussion or try to have an adult conversation asking about why she has concerns & explaining why she doesn't need to be worried.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 4, 2011 11:44:20 GMT -5
My Mom is upset that I am iving with DF without benefit of clergy. I'm thinking that I like the fact that I still have my own place in Florida (he likes it, too as we just pack a carryon bag and go.) We'll get married when we get married. I'm not as concerned about it as she is. But if she crosses the line I will point out that her mooch moved out of his car with his kid and into her houses as soon as she let him which wasn't very long after they met. What's the male term for a "golddigger?" If she has half a brain that will shut her up.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 4, 2011 11:47:40 GMT -5
Let me start by saying I think you handled your situation correctly. On to your mom, I would bet the email was an expression of biases she may not even consciously been aware she had that she had been able to keep quiet about until her mooch of a BF left her. Even for people who are not incredibly traditional, there is still the stigma that the man should support the wife. Its a traditional expectation that many, many people have a hard time getting past. (I am also a breadwinner wife whose DH is not working and is now back in school.) In addition, I remember as a kid, there was this urban myth (this may not be the right phrase, but its the best way I can think to describe it) of the man whose wife put him through school only for him to leave her for a younger model once he was making the big bucks. I remember it being the basis of multiple tv movies and novels. I would be your mom, finally being forced to confront the reality of her now broken relationship, saw what was going on with you and DH, and had this sudden influx of fear that your DH was taking advantage of you the way she'd just been taken advantage of, and all the old fears and stereotypes flew back in her head, then out through the keyboard. And then, she got defensive.
I would take a little break from talking to your mom. Give both of you time to cool down. Personally, when you do start talking again, I would ignore the topic altogether (as another poster suggested). Its water under the bridge and should be left that way. Sometimes people who love us do things that hurt us out of that love, without ever realizing the depth of the hurt they cause. I'm not saying you'll ever forget this, but as long as she doesn't bring it up again, you need to just let it go and move on.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 4, 2011 12:06:53 GMT -5
I say let her sweat it out for a while. Make her come to you. If YOU initiate contact, then you invite her to stab you again.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 4, 2011 12:40:57 GMT -5
What an awful situation. I'd have trouble looking my mom in the eye if she ever said anything like that about my boyfriend. Reading this post makes me grateful that my parents are so supportive and committed to staying out of my private business. It helps that they're fond of DBF but even if they felt compelled to remark on a lousy partner, they'd never do it in such a destructive, passive-aggressive way.
I'm really glad you defended him, and I think you did a great job trying to neutralize the situation. If I might make an unorthodox suggestion which may be a terrible idea for you, maybe you can consider having DH reach out to her if she insists on continuing to attack him.
Most people who want to complain about their kids' partners would never do so to the partners' faces, so it can be a quick way to make everything go away. This is a really dramatic step, and it's not for everyone, but I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't have a success story. A good friend of mine has a very passive-aggressive mother who sent her similar rants about her partner of eight years, and finally she'd had enough. She asked her partner to meet her mother for coffee and clear the air.
The partner tried to be really nice and non-confrontational about the whole thing, and didn't even bring up the emails. She just said she was aware there had been tension lately and she wondered if she could clear up any misconceptions.
Neither of them expected this to work; it was kind of at the point where it couldn't have gotten any worse, so what the hell (which is why this might not be the right approach for you). But to everyone's surprise, it really helped. Turns out the mom's apparent issues with her daughter's partner were her way of indirectly voicing her fears about something else entirely (she was worried her daughter was holding herself back from her goals, and the partner was a convenient scapegoat).
So anyway, it's just an idea. But it can work if you feel desperate enough and your DH has the right temperament to attempt a drastic move like that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2011 13:58:45 GMT -5
OP, you handled it well -- much better than I would have handled it if it happened to me. It's a parent's job to worry, and I get that, but at some point you realize that your babies are all grown up and you have to let them live their own lives, even if you think they are making mistakes.
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daylight
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Post by daylight on Mar 4, 2011 16:41:01 GMT -5
I'm not sure how legitimate my advice seems since my problems with my own parents are well-documented on this board. I don't think your mom had anything substantial to say that could have initiated her rant...if she had, she would have insisted that you meet at an exact time at a specific place and would have told you already. Her own troubles are probably reflected in her e-mails. It wouldn't be unusual either if she just wanted to better your relationship with DH having failed to improve her own with her ex. I think you are handling the situation exceptionally well. At this point you probably should not initiate contact to her. If you do, be prepared for her overstepping your boundaries again. You may have to react to another rant.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Mar 5, 2011 17:23:58 GMT -5
As a daughter of a loving, but sometimes sharp-tongued mother, I can remember how much she hurt me when she said that someday, my first husband and I would have a "QUALITY" house while she was staying with me in our starter home for a week. Another time, after begging to be invited over for a cookout on Memorial Day weekend, she called and informed us that she had "better things to do" and wasn't coming, right when we were setting things up for the barbecue. Boy, did I cry on both of those occasions. I also didn't call her mean butt for many weeks afterward. She had to call me. She also told me that the hastily-arranged meet-up she had with some guy that she dumped us for never came off. I did laugh at that.
Both of these events, and plenty of other ones, took place after she and my father split up after 39 years of marriage. She had idealized their marriage and didn't realize that he had been having an affair on her for ten years. Of course she was hurt. And who better to strike out at than her daughter and daughter-in-law ? Oh joy, Mom. Anyway, it toughened me up, and I really didn't care how much she would strike out at me after that. I would hang up on her with no remorse, but kept her in my life until she passed away many years later. She just wasn't a soft person. We did love each other very much despite her harsh words.
You did an excellent job of setting boundaries for your mother, who really expended her vitriol in one amazing balls-out effort. What rancor. What nastiness. She won't accept the boundaries you set, and will keep trying to violate them, but just be firm with her after you (eventually) get back on some kind of speaking terms with her, and ignore her crap. In fact, it's quite all right to tell her that if she wants to be in your life, she needs to be "nice". And tell her she knows what "nice" means.
My thirty year-old daughter, whom I've had many disagreements with, has been quite skillful at setting boundaries in our relationship, and I completely accept them. But if she's then floundering around like a turtle on its back that wants me to turn her over and "help" her financially, then the answer is "no". We have a much healthier relationship now than we used to. Good luck on your situation with "mom", but remember it's all right to get rid of mean people who refuse to change their ways, even mothers.....
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phil5185
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Post by phil5185 on Mar 5, 2011 18:14:53 GMT -5
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TD2K
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Post by TD2K on Mar 6, 2011 10:58:19 GMT -5
Midwestern, I think the others have said all that need to be said but I think you did a great job. Replying back to her email was a natural impulse but when she escalated it, you cut it off.
If there are other personality changes as opposed to this being a one off thing, you might want to try to get her to a doctor. Personality shifts can be a sign of an underlying health problem.
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