tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 12:06:25 GMT -5
I agreed with my dad's concerns. I just didn't agree with how he handled it.
What is important to me is that DH was willing to "grow up" because that was my requirement before walking down the aisle.
I could have married a guy my own age and currenty be stuck with a "man child". I can't really control what type of person someone grows into. What is cute/charming in a 19 year old isn't going to be so cute/charming when you're been married 10 years and he hasn't changed.
So that's what I am more concerned about. I am not going to over look man child behavior in my kids' suitors just because they happen to be the same age. If the guy can't grow up the last thing you want is to be stuck with them forever. Immaturity doesn't know age limits. So he was older willing to grow up? Lucky you. I have 59 y/old man child who is growing down every day we live so I am thinking of getting out before its too late How did you manage him to keep his word and actually grow up?
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 20, 2014 12:09:26 GMT -5
... The only thing that bugs me is that DH actually could have gone to college completely for free. ... Wow, completely free? College cost me four years of my time on the planet. Personally, I felt it was worth it but I can fully understand that others would not want to pay that heavy of a price.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 20, 2014 12:21:09 GMT -5
Wow, completely free? College cost me four years of my time on the planet.Okay, completely free of monetary cost
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2014 14:35:40 GMT -5
So he was older willing to grow up? Lucky you. I have 59 y/old man child who is growing down every day we live so I am thinking of getting out before its too late How did you manage him to keep his word and actually grow up? Hmmm, He sounds like my role model. I've spent my adult life being responsible for the most part. As I go through my 50's I want to become more like that "man-child" too! Oh, not in silly mid life crisis ways.... but in enjoy life ways. Less work, more play. Not a bad thing. I'm not in my 50's yet, but after all these years of being all about being responsible, I'm ready to go a little backwards. I tell my friends I'm tired of being mature, I'm practicing being immature.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 21, 2014 11:14:58 GMT -5
It would depend on how old my kid was. At 30, there isn't much I can say. At 18, age difference would be more of an issue. I would hope my kids were smart enough to know what challenges a large age difference would present, especially after looking at me and their dad. I would hope that my kid and SO just fit together. In college I briefly dated someone 7 years older than me (I was 20), my parents were fine with it. But it was obvious we were in 2 different spots in life. DH is 17 years older than me. My mom had a bit of an issue with it before she met him. Once she met him, she realized why I was with him and was fine with us marrying. Our age difference has required some additional planning. Well, not to be morbid, but I really figure DH will die before I retire. It would probably throw more of a wrench into my life if he lived. It made him being a SAHP easier. He worked for 30 years before we had kids (started working full time at 15). i don't really care if goes back to work full time or not. I guess you could say he took retirement at 45. I have a lot of different contingency plans on if DH dies before the kids are grown. Yes, my DH has health problems, but they aren't typical of 40 year olds either. One doctor said he a body of a 60 year old (when he was like 44). Life is a crap shoot. There are a lot more things I hope my kid and their future spouse have in common than being close in age together. All that said, I do have an irrational fear that my daughter and the next door neighbor's boy will want to date when they are older. JP is 4 years older than DD and I would absolutely not allow it until DD was 18. That would be an issue for me if she was under 18.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 21, 2014 11:48:20 GMT -5
My mom has married men 20+ years older than her twice. She's been widowed twice at the age of 55. That's definitely an issue I am concerned about, but oh well. What can you do. You love who you love.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 21, 2014 11:49:14 GMT -5
I think that couples with a very large age gap need to plan their finances really carefully. It's one thing to say the younger spouse will work but caregiving can become a full time job. It's easy to see how the healthcare of the older spouse will eat a huge chunk of the assets. There have been several stories of couples with significant age gaps who used a reverse mortgage, leaving the younger spouse without a home after the elder spouse passed. My spouse has a large life insurance policy.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 21, 2014 11:50:47 GMT -5
HoneyBBQ, how far apart are you and your husband?
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 21, 2014 11:54:46 GMT -5
Pretty sure y'all know... but my spouse is in his 50's... I'm in my late 30's. I think this is our 9th year together. He thought I was older, I thought he was younger, etc. It is what it is.
It will be an issue in 20 years from now, no doubt. But I can't live my life wondering what will happen with people in 20 years. I may be dead. He may be dead. The world may be over. I found a partner I loved and wanted to be with. Period. We are both colleagues in the sense we were in the same place in our lives, financially independent, working hard, etc. It was not a sugar daddy or midlife crisis situation that brought us together. It was mutual respect and love.
My own father died younger than my spouse, so I don't think you can always say not to chose an older spouse because you never know when you'll get hit by a car or die of cancer. There is little predictability when it comes to some things. My spouse is in VERY good health, and everyone thinks he's much closer to my age than he actually is. He's very fit, and has less grey hair than me. LOL.
My only concern is that if *I* get hit by a bus, then my daughter only has her older father to care for her. That is my worry. We do have good backup plans if we were both to die, but I would hate for that to happen to DD.
Also, we are trying to make smart financial decisions, save a lot of money so I can retire early, good life insurance, etc. We want to be prepared if the worst were to happen.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 21, 2014 11:55:07 GMT -5
HoneyBBQ, how far apart are you and your husband? see above---
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 21, 2014 12:02:13 GMT -5
Also, we are trying to make smart financial decisions, save a lot of money so I can retire early, good life insurance, etc. We want to be prepared if the worst were to happen.
Sounds solid to me. You're right that you can't plan for everything. Life ends without warning sometimes. Lots of times. muttleynfelix, HoneyBBQ, NomoreDramaQ1015, do you guys get a lot of judgment? One time I had a particularly chatty dental hygienist who asked me all kinds of questions about my family. She misconstrued something I said (probably because it's hard to answer questions with someone's hands in your mouth) and thought I was saying DH was my dad's age. She said something like "Oh wow, so he's way older than you, that's kind of crazy, what's the story there?" I corrected her, but it crossed my mind that it would be pretty annoying to answer that question constantly if DH was that much older than me.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 21, 2014 12:12:02 GMT -5
Not that I notice. But most people looking at the 2 of us together, just see a happy couple, the age difference isn't that obvious (at least that is what the people at church told me after we'd been going there probably a year or so; they were all like, really it is that big of an age difference). Now we get comments if we are out with our kids about what an adorable family we have.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 21, 2014 12:29:35 GMT -5
Not that I notice. But most people looking at the 2 of us together, just see a happy couple, the age difference isn't that obvious (at least that is what the people at church told me after we'd been going there probably a year or so; they were all like, really it is that big of an age difference). Now we get comments if we are out with our kids about what an adorable family we have. Same. He looks very young. No grey hair. Maybe people are polite, I dunno. Many people ask if we're having more kids... I usually say no, H is too old. They usually say, "really?" So I think many suspect that he is much younger than he actually is. He's also thin, healthy, runs a lot, etc, i think that helps people "seem" young.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 21, 2014 12:42:15 GMT -5
Honey, how old are his other kids now? I remember you guys paying a lot of child support a couple years ago.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 21, 2014 12:56:54 GMT -5
Honey, how old are his other kids now? I remember you guys paying a lot of child support a couple years ago. SD is 19, SS is 25? DD is almost 3. Two in college, one in diapers. Almost comical!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 21, 2014 15:19:31 GMT -5
No judgement as far I have noticed outside of my dad's intital concerns. DH gets pegged at being a lot younger than he is, especially when he shaves, so if the topic comes up people are always surprised he's 40.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 21, 2014 15:58:20 GMT -5
I want my kids to marry someone that I think THEY got lucky to get, not vice versa.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 21, 2014 16:18:07 GMT -5
I would likely counsel my kids to marry someone "like" them for the biggies:
money sex parenting (including SAHP) religion educationGood advice overall but I question the importance of the education thing. I think these categories should be weighted differently depending on how important they are to the couple. Obviously, money and sex are important to pretty much everyone. Parenting and religion can definitely be dealbreakers as well. But education? Meh. My DH didn't graduate high school, which might have been a concern except for the fact that it doesn't seem to have held him back. He's not the school type but he is an extremely hard worker with a lot of valuable job skills. He's moved more than I have (which is upwards of like 20 times, and something like 10 different states) and he's never had trouble finding a job. He's got a great work ethic and everyone likes him. He's advanced pretty rapidly in his current company. All of that matters waaaaaaaaay more to me than how some people might perceive him because of his education (or lack thereof). At some point before getting together with, I made an actual list of things that mattered to me in a partner. Education didn't even cross my mind. I certainly couldn't care less that he's "less educated" than me. DH and I both value education for education's sake. Many folks don't. I think it's important to be on the same page. Some folks are down with life long learning. Others are not. What about if both partners want to become lawyers, drs, dentists, or vets and didn't get that education taken care of when they were single? There needs to be some negotiation about that. I guess this crosses with parenting, but I would NOT pick a marriage partner who said "I will only help my kid if they become an engineer or pharmacist. If they chose to get a liberal arts degree, they are doomed to failure. And I will therefore not support them." And, yes, I had a talented kid once, that SHOULD have been a music major. He went into engineering, because he didn't want college loans and that's the only way his parents would help with college. He didn't go into engineering because he spent all his extra time building things and taking them apart or designing roller coasters. He spent most of his extra time on his instrument. We also are telling our kids they need something beyond high school. Plumber. Great. Electrician. Great. Can you imagine how difficult it might be to negotiate if one parent is OK with their kid being a plumber and another parent who assumed their kid would to college only. And, frankly, it sounds like your DH is in the minority. Most of my low income kids come from families that have at most a HS education. Some of their parents don't see education as being particularly important. ETA: The level of education in a partner never even entered my mind.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 21, 2014 16:26:57 GMT -5
And, frankly, it sounds like your DH is in the minority. Most of my low income kids come from families that have at most a HS education. And, frankly, some of their parents don't see education as being particularly important.
Education is super important. I'm a humongous advocate of lifelong learning.
School, not so much.
I respect your opinion though. For what it's worth, a college degree was probably worth having for its own sake as recently as 20 years ago. I just think that lately the schools are churning and burning through students as quickly as possible and not really caring if they end up educated or not.
I've told this story before but my final semester in college included a peer review small group of four. Two of the people in my group were passable writers, nothing special but they could put together a cogent thought. The third was an absolute disaster. Couldn't spell, didn't know REALLY basic grammar, had zero grasp of how to write a paper. I was constantly confused about how he had managed to get to his senior year in college without mastering fundamentals.
His papers were such a mess I couldn't even really edit them - although I tried. It took me at least 5x as long to edit his papers as either of the others, because I corrected everything I saw and pointed out when his topics wandered from one subject to another. I ended the last paper with a lengthy postscript in which I suggested (as gently as possible) that he familiarize himself with The Elements of Style and some other grammar book because he wouldn't be taken seriously in a professional environment writing like that.
He wasn't my biggest fan after that but I was genuinely trying to help. I never saw his resume but if it was anything like his papers, I would have tossed it in the trash without a second thought. And he graduated with me later that year.
I know it's just an anecdote, but it really drove home for me how little it takes to graduate from college these days. If your money is green, some school will pass you through.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 21, 2014 16:30:58 GMT -5
I want my kids to marry someone that I think THEY got lucky to get, not vice versa. Can you think they both got lucky? I feel very fortunate to have my DH. I spent the weekend with a very good friend. Her DH is a great dad and husband, but my friend still does way more with their daughter than he does. Things that go without saying in our house was a negotiation in their house - like since you are giving the baby a bath, I'll do the dishes (it went both ways). In my house, we continuously divide and conquer without having to ask or say anything. (Their house was also extremely cluttered. My house gets cluttered, but not clothes just lying on the floor throughout the house). Stuff like that, we just do. So, in that aspect I feel like I got very lucky. I think we both got lucky. I don't know why it has to be one or the other. If it truly is a partnership, than wouldn't both partners get lucky?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 21, 2014 16:36:23 GMT -5
So, in that aspect I feel like I got very lucky. I think we both got lucky. I don't know why it has to be one or the other. If it truly is a partnership, than wouldn't both partners get lucky?muttleynfelix, the way you described your house goes for mine too. It makes me really stressed out to witness marriages where everything seems to be a negotiation and one partner acts like s/he is doing the other a huge favor by "taking the kid." I would go crazy in a relationship like that. Not that equability is the only hallmark of a happy marriage, but still. I favor both people getting lucky and that's what I feel like I have with DH
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 21, 2014 16:56:01 GMT -5
I feel like it was sort of a joke the way they were talking and it wasn't a serious issue between them - more that they both don't like to clean. And to be fair, he had cleaned some in the basement during the game the previous afternoon while we were shooting the breeze. (And you could tell that he had worked while the game was on). But if your spouse is giving the baby a bath, why wouldn't you do the dishes?
Anyway, just based on stats, you would think that my friend was the one that got lucky and I'm the one that married the loser. After all, he's closer in age (still 5 years older). A professional engineer, has a good job, etc. But so does she. In fact, she has a better job. So sure she is doing "more" than me because he's working full time, but for DH and myself when we are both home, we're both working around the house and I didn't see that from them.
I still like the guy, don't get me wrong, but it was a good reminder about how much my DH really does do.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 21, 2014 17:38:15 GMT -5
It also really depends on how you define a good partner. It's not like wealth/career mobility is the only measure. I truly believe DH and I both traded up. We're great for each other in different ways - if we were great in the same ways, it wouldn't balance nearly as well.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 22, 2014 5:42:50 GMT -5
I don't think that I can feel that way. Last young woman DS dated, I was thinking, as was DD, don't BLOW IT!!!! But he did. . The guy that DD is dating is fine, for SOMEONE else. I'm not going to discourage her from living with him because I hope that by doing so, she realizes he is not the one for her. If she marries him, it'll be a starter marriage. Neither of them would marry the other for the right reason. The young woman DS is dating now is also a fine woman, for someone else. Not for him. Yes, it's a good thing if both partners feel LUCKY. But someone who isn't emotionally involved can see more clearly.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 22, 2014 8:30:08 GMT -5
I feel like it was sort of a joke the way they were talking and it wasn't a serious issue between them - more that they both don't like to clean. And to be fair, he had cleaned some in the basement during the game the previous afternoon while we were shooting the breeze. (And you could tell that he had worked while the game was on). But if your spouse is giving the baby a bath, why wouldn't you do the dishes? Part of it could be because they're both working, so they're both drained from work. I know the dynamic is very different now, than it was the year I was home with the kids. We're both still the same people and I'd say we are about equal as far as helping out and all that but the atmosphere in general is more stressed. Sometimes one of us (DH in particular, almost always him ) just needs time to space out and do nothing and yes it's annoying that I feel I have to snap him out of it and say "Can you please clean this stuff up while I do x" but really we're just both dragging.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 22, 2014 8:41:34 GMT -5
I feel like it was sort of a joke the way they were talking and it wasn't a serious issue between them - more that they both don't like to clean. And to be fair, he had cleaned some in the basement during the game the previous afternoon while we were shooting the breeze. (And you could tell that he had worked while the game was on). But if your spouse is giving the baby a bath, why wouldn't you do the dishes? Part of it could be because they're both working, so they're both drained from work. I know the dynamic is very different now, than it was the year I was home with the kids. We're both still the same people and I'd say we are about equal as far as helping out and all that but the atmosphere in general is more stressed. Sometimes one of us (DH in particular, almost always him ) just needs time to space out and do nothing and yes it's annoying that I feel I have to snap him out of it and say "Can you please clean this stuff up while I do x" but really we're just both dragging. It was Sunday night. I understand being drained, and both partners being drained, but come on, Sunday night? We went to church, out for lunch, took the girls to the pumpkin patch, ate supper and were sending them to bed early (because notice there was no real nap time in there).
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