TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 18, 2014 11:22:03 GMT -5
How would you feel if your daughter or son brought home someone that was your age or older?
Have you dated someone much older (more than 10 years older)? How did your immediate family take it?
My cousin is now dating a lady that is older, same age range as his mom. My aunt is having a tough time accepting it because the situation is moving into the serious category.
I think (I might be wrong) is mostly the grandkids issue. I feel if it was her daughter she would be ok with it since her daughter can still have kids with an older men. But this lady is in her late 40's past the child bearing age and my cousin is 32 (yes his mom had him young, at 20).
My cousin is more of taking it one day at a time, they are just moving in together and haven't talked long term as far as marriage and kids.
My grandmother on my dad side was 15 years older than my grandfather and they were together till she died at 87 (she was 35 and he was 20 when they got together). She already had 5 kids (my father included) from previous marriage and had 2 more with my grandfather.
So 52 years happily married till she died that she could have passed on if she listened to the Nay Sayers. Grandpa never remarried or considered it till he died 4 years ago.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2014 11:24:29 GMT -5
I was 35 when my kids were born - so, honestly, if my 25 year old daughter comes home with a 60 year old man - I will freak the fuck out. And if my 25 year old son comes home with a 60 year old woman, I will also freak the fuck out.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 18, 2014 11:25:26 GMT -5
I had DD later in life so if she brought home someone older then me (by the time she's old enough to get serious) I'd be worried about some old dude looking for a nurse instead of a wife...
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 18, 2014 11:27:57 GMT -5
I was 35 when my kids were born - so, honestly, if my 25 year old daughter comes home with a 60 year old man - I will freak the fuck out. And if my 25 year old son comes home with a 60 year old woman, I will also freak the fuck out. How about 40? 50? Where is the line for age difference?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2014 11:32:40 GMT -5
My general rule of thumb is that for most couples 10 years is a big age difference. It might not be when you meet, but for a long term relationship, that 10 years can have a varying degree of impact at different times in your life. If it was more than 10 years I would be concerned, but I would have to evaluate the person and the relationship to see what the deal is. I am honest enough to admit that I would be searching for problems with a 10+ year age difference, than someone who was within 5 years of my kid's age. Given that my kids haven't started dating, I can only theorize here. So, where it turns from "concern" to "shit a brick" - I'm not sure.
** I know that many people are happily married with an age difference more than 10 years. I am not criticizing. I play the odds in life. I would be concerned if my kid wants to get married at 19, or marries someone with a drastically different faith, or any of the other things that statistically have higher divorce rates. I know that any given situation is not a statistical eventuality, but I use the statistics to raise red flags. Right, wrong or otherwise. It is just what I do.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 18, 2014 11:40:24 GMT -5
My general rule of thumb is that for most couples 10 years is a big age difference. It might not be when you meet, but for a long term relationship, that 10 years can have a varying degree of impact at different times in your life. If it was more than 10 years I would be concerned, but I would have to evaluate the person and the relationship to see what the deal is. I am honest enough to admit that I would be searching for problems with a 10+ year age difference, than someone who was within 5 years of my kid's age. Given that my kids haven't started dating, I can only theorize here. So, where it turns from "concern" to "shit a brick" - I'm not sure. ** I know that many people are happily married with an age difference more than 10 years. I am not criticizing. I play the odds in life. I would be concerned if my kid wants to get married at 19, or marries someone with a drastically different faith, or any of the other things that statistically have higher divorce rates. I know that any given situation is not a statistical eventuality, but I use the statistics to raise red flags. Right, wrong or otherwise. It is just what I do. Interesting ... So a kid that is a minority (let's say black) from the wrong side of the tracks, poverty, would raise red flags if they were dating your daughter that is white, upper middle class, good family? Not judging, just finding it interesting. And I also share your take that couples are most likely to stay together if they have a few things in comment, I just don't think it should be "everything".
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on Oct 18, 2014 11:57:22 GMT -5
My general rule of thumb is that for most couples 10 years is a big age difference. It might not be when you meet, but for a long term relationship, that 10 years can have a varying degree of impact at different times in your life. If it was more than 10 years I would be concerned, but I would have to evaluate the person and the relationship to see what the deal is. I am honest enough to admit that I would be searching for problems with a 10+ year age difference, than someone who was within 5 years of my kid's age. Given that my kids haven't started dating, I can only theorize here. So, where it turns from "concern" to "shit a brick" - I'm not sure. ** I know that many people are happily married with an age difference more than 10 years. I am not criticizing. I play the odds in life. I would be concerned if my kid wants to get married at 19, or marries someone with a drastically different faith, or any of the other things that statistically have higher divorce rates. I know that any given situation is not a statistical eventuality, but I use the statistics to raise red flags. Right, wrong or otherwise. It is just what I do. Interesting ... So a kid that is a minority (let's say black) from the wrong side of the tracks, poverty, would raise red flags if they were dating your daughter that is white, upper middle class, good family? Not judging, just finding it interesting. And I also share your take that couples are most likely to stay together if they have a few things in comment, I just don't think it should be "everything". Interesting. I did not see race in Thyme's comments at all. But then I am white You did and you are black. Interesting. Or are you just moving the goal posts, by inserting "a minority"?
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 18, 2014 11:59:57 GMT -5
My general rule of thumb is that for most couples 10 years is a big age difference. It might not be when you meet, but for a long term relationship, that 10 years can have a varying degree of impact at different times in your life. If it was more than 10 years I would be concerned, but I would have to evaluate the person and the relationship to see what the deal is. I am honest enough to admit that I would be searching for problems with a 10+ year age difference, than someone who was within 5 years of my kid's age. Given that my kids haven't started dating, I can only theorize here. So, where it turns from "concern" to "shit a brick" - I'm not sure. ** I know that many people are happily married with an age difference more than 10 years. I am not criticizing. I play the odds in life. I would be concerned if my kid wants to get married at 19, or marries someone with a drastically different faith, or any of the other things that statistically have higher divorce rates. I know that any given situation is not a statistical eventuality, but I use the statistics to raise red flags. Right, wrong or otherwise. It is just what I do. Interesting ... So a kid that is a minority (let's say black) from the wrong side of the tracks, poverty, would raise red flags if they were dating your daughter that is white, upper middle class, good family? Not judging, just finding it interesting. And I also share your take that couples are most likely to stay together if they have a few things in comment, I just don't think it should be "everything". In my case it's less about the physical characteristics then if they'd be a fit personality wise. I would have a very hard time if DD (who is a fairly easy going person who expects to enjoy life a bit) married a miserly control freak. I don't see her being happy in that scenario. My family has a long tradition of breaking the "rules". My grandma (Irish mostly) married my grandfather (german) at a time when germans were not popular. Her family did not approve. My mom (catholic and yankee) married my dad (baptist and southern). Both families did not approve. In fact, I'm told both sets of parents didn't speak to them for a few months after the marriage. My DH had the misfortune to marry a southsider (wrong side of the tracks). I think his family is still trying to come to grips with it. I know several couples with interfaith marriages that have lasted well so far. I also know several couples with large age differences that are still together after many years. I really do think it's more about the person than the demographics.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Oct 18, 2014 12:11:04 GMT -5
When I was about 19 or 20, I casually dated a guy who was about 15 yrs my senior. We didn't have a lot in common, other than we both enjoyed roller skating.
The guy I'm interested in now is 5 yrs my junior. It's a first for me, having someone younger, but I honestly don't notice that difference. But we're both in our 40's so I'm sure maturity has a lot to do with it.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 18, 2014 12:11:10 GMT -5
I remember how weird it was one time sitting at the dinner table with my girlfriend, father and step-mother and realizing my girlfriend was the oldest female at the table.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 18, 2014 12:11:49 GMT -5
I remember how weird it was one time sitting at the dinner table with my girlfriend, father and step-mother and realizing my girlfriend was the oldest female at the table.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2014 12:16:07 GMT -5
Interesting ... So a kid that is a minority (let's say black) from the wrong side of the tracks, poverty, would raise red flags if they were dating your daughter that is white, upper middle class, good family? Not judging, just finding it interesting. And I also share your take that couples are most likely to stay together if they have a few things in comment, I just don't think it should be "everything". Maybe. A white kid from a trash family who refused to go to college would be a nightmare to me. I don't think I am a racist (I might be) but I know I am a classist in a sense. If someone is digging themselves out of poverty via education and hard work - that is extremely respectable. I probably would welcome that guy (or gal) into the fold - even if they were that blue avatar color. But a kid that was raised in poverty, and didn't have a plan for his life...I just don't see my kids living that life. Color doesn't have anything to do with it. A red flag doesn't automatically mean that I'm against the relationship, just that I would have to look for the signal that the "difference" (whatever that may be) can be overcome, or worked around, or won't matter to them. Knowing that money is a huge issue in marriages and divorces, anyone with a attitude about money that is incompatible will give me pause.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 18, 2014 12:19:41 GMT -5
I would likely counsel my kids to marry someone "like" them for the biggies:
money sex parenting (including SAHP) religion education
I think marriage is hard enough. I'm also lazy. I don't want to spend my time negotiating/teaching/waiting for my spouse to come around/hoping my spouse will change their mind.
I also assume I get what I see when I get married. I never married my DH in the hopes that he would change.
And as for marrying someone with different socio-economic statuses...look at me and my DH. I STILL have issues. And we are still within either ends of middle class. We all bring in baggage to our marriage. We all don't handle it perfectly.
As for the age difference, I think when you are younger it does not matter. Most people don't think of end of life issues when they are 25 and marrying someone who is 35-40. One of my co-workers married a man that was 15-20 years older than her. (I don't know how big, exactly the age difference is). She's gotten to watch her husband retire while she still has to work and she's watched her husband decline in health. While my co-worker is 50ish, SHE has quite a few decades left. Her husband doesn't.
Many of the dads in DS's class are 50 or older. We figure the wives are 8-10 years younger.
BIL's SO is 7 years older than he is. She's 42, going on 43. They have decided they want kids. Clearly, the age difference is not really in their favor.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2014 12:22:00 GMT -5
I would likely counsel my kids to marry someone "like" them for the biggies: money sex parenting (including SAHP) religion education I think marriage is hard enough. I'm also lazy. I don't want to spend my time negotiating/teaching/waiting for my spouse to come around/hoping my spouse will change their mind. I also assume I get what I see when I get married. I never married my DH in the hopes that I would change. And as for marrying someone with different socio-economic statuses...look at me and my DH. I STILL have issues. And we are still within either ends of middle class. We all bring in baggage to our marriage. We all don't handle it perfectly. As for the age difference, I think when you are younger it does not matter. Most people don't think of end of life issues when they are 25 and marrying someone who is 35-40. One of my co-workers married a man that was 15-20 years older than her. (I don't know how big, exactly the age difference is). She's gotten to watch her husband retire while she still has to work and she's watched her husband decline in health. While my co-worker is 50ish, SHE has quite a few decades left. Her husband doesn't. giramomma said it better than I did.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Oct 18, 2014 12:26:48 GMT -5
How would you feel if your daughter or son brought home someone that was your age or older? Depends on how old they are. I am 18 years older than my first child. My husband is 16 years older than I am. Once my girls are past 25, I don't think I'll have an issue.
Have you dated someone much older (more than 10 years older)? How did your immediate family take it? I was 26 when I "brought DH home". My mother still makes comments about ages (I"m not the only person about whom she makes comments. She has an age-difference bias in general) My dad, once he realized how awesome DH is, never had an issue.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2014 12:30:57 GMT -5
I had a six year difference both times, first husband was 6 years older, second 6 years younger. I thought the younger guy was ideal age-wise since women typically outlive men. I figured I could retire early and be on his health insurance, and we'd live to be about the same age. My Mom is 10 years older than my stepdad and they've been together about 30 years now. He actually retired several years before she did though, so my plan didn't work for her.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2014 12:32:24 GMT -5
I have a SIL that always dates guys WAY the heck older than her. As in she's in her early 30's and they're in their 50's. It's not a coincidence and she didn't just find her soulmate in an older guy every time. I'm pretty sure she has daddy issues.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 18, 2014 12:35:35 GMT -5
My daughter's DH is 17 years older than my daughter. He and I are contemporaries. Yet, the two of them are perfect for one another and have been very happy together for over 20 years. I think it really does depend on the people involved. I don't put any weight on the color of one's skin. I think it's more about personalities, outlook on life, and ability to adapt and to bend.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Oct 18, 2014 12:35:36 GMT -5
I think it all depends. I think 10 yrs is a pretty big gap. More than that is huge. And, I don't think the couple will necessarily feel the effects of that for years. But, as we age, you hit a point on the aging curve where it is all of the sudden a steep decline and the other person is relatively youthful. However, life is a crapshoot anyway so I guess each person has to decide to roll those dice. My girlfriend and her husband are 17 yrs difference. He is starting to seem much older now and the process seems to be accelerating. For my kids, I would really prefer they have someone of their same generation maybe a couple years apart. But, it isn't my choice and if they are adults, that is up to them.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Oct 18, 2014 12:41:22 GMT -5
I don't think it makes much of a difference although I believe it depends upon the people involved and their maturity level. I dated a few men that were quite a bit older than me (15 - 20 years) and many who were younger - don't blame me for being a cougar.
DH is more than 9 years younger than me but we're a lot older now (I'm 67 and he's 58). Both of my ex's were the same age as I was or a little older - didn't stop either one from being an ass, although that was partly my fault.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2014 12:46:12 GMT -5
We are all prejudges against assholes. That is a given. It doesn't matter how great they look on paper - they all suck.
I would rather my kids marry a poor, black person with a huge age difference than an asshole.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 18, 2014 12:49:50 GMT -5
We are all prejudges against assholes. That is a given. It doesn't matter how great they look on paper - they all suck. I would rather my kids marry a poor, black person with a huge age difference than an asshole. On the other hand, anal retentive personalities are difficult to deal with also.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2014 12:53:14 GMT -5
We are all prejudges against assholes. That is a given. It doesn't matter how great they look on paper - they all suck. I would rather my kids marry a poor, black person with a huge age difference than an asshole. On the other hand, anal retentive personalities are difficult to deal with also. LOL - I think you just described my whole family. Birds of a feather and all....
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 18, 2014 12:57:33 GMT -5
I remember how weird it was one time sitting at the dinner table with my girlfriend, father and step-mother and realizing my girlfriend was the oldest female at the table. He said "female"... So his dad may have robbed the cradle
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2014 12:58:30 GMT -5
I dated a few older guys (age difference 20 years for one , 14 for the other) when I was in my 20s. Really, I had more drive than they did. They were fun for casual relationships but not for life. When I hit 30 and my bio clock went nuts, my priorities changed, too. I married a man closer to my age who also wanted kids. An older guy who was done with babies would have been out of the question.
Current DH and I met when he was 59 and I was 44. I had absolutely zero problems with him retiring when we married (he was 65 then and we moved to another state for my job). He took care of all the domestic stuff while I focused in my career and he was getting SS, too! Win-win. Now, at 76, he's slowed down a lot due to health issues, but I wouldn't trade all the wonderful years we've had together for a younger model.
As the others have said- there are so many factors other than age to consider.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 18, 2014 13:07:03 GMT -5
He said "female"... So his dad may have robbed the cradle My step-mom was three years my senior (the same age as my oldest sister) and my girlfriend seven years. I had two kids when my Dad got remarried. I asked him if he wanted me to have my daughters start calling his 27 year old bride, "Grandma"?
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 18, 2014 13:09:07 GMT -5
I did feel for my girlfriend's son. His dad was thirteen years older than his mom, who was dating a guy seven years younger. He struggled with that twenty year difference more than his mom.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2014 13:10:00 GMT -5
This thread has me really examining myself. I wonder if I would basically have a problem with my kids dating anyone that I wouldn't be attracted to, if I were their age. That would include all my values, not just physically. hmmmm. I was kind of like that with my friends. If I could see why they found that person attractive, I thought they were a good match, and if I couldn't get past the fatal flaw because of my own bias, I didn't get why they were together. That would explain why age would be a thing for me. I've never been that great at being friends with people who aren't in my same stage of life. I'm better now, but still not great at it.
I need some introspection before my kids start dating I guess.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2014 13:12:02 GMT -5
He said "female"... So his dad may have robbed the cradle My step-mom was three years my senior (the same age as my oldest sister) and my girlfriend seven years. I had two kids when my Dad got remarried. I asked him if he wanted me to have my daughters start calling his 27 year old bride, "Grandma"? My friend's husband became a grandpa the same week her ex-husband had another baby. So her kids will have a sister and a niece that are the same age.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 18, 2014 13:43:18 GMT -5
I asked him if he wanted me to have my daughters start calling his 27 year old bride, "Grandma"? I doubt that the 27 year old new bride would appreciate that much
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