Dating and age difference....

[cronewitch]

I am against age differences more than a few years. My ex was 34 when I met him, he lied and said he was 28, I was 18. My parents were 12 years apart so I didn't see a big deal about his age at first. Turns out lots of age problems from the beginning. First since he was 17 when I was born he had been everywhere and done everything before I was born according to him. So he was the head of household and knew how things worked so took care of me instead of us learning things together. As I aged I was still treated like a child in some ways, not respected as an equal. He would be 82 now when I am just retiring. His retirement plan was to collect SS while I worked so just when I could retire he would be dead probably leaving me on SS with nothing since he didn't want to save. He died 20 years ago so I would have been a widow for maybe 50 years total if I live to old age.

Mom was 19 when she married dad who was 31. Didn't see a problem with that, she was a housewife while we were growing up. Problem started when mom was about 40 and took a job for 20 years. Dad was having leg issues so ended up hardly working before he was 60 no work at all. Mom had her own money and wanted to travel and do things and he wanted to lay on the couch with his leg elevated. They did go to Spain for a month but after dad was 60 he just didn't like travel. They went to visit a brother with a bunch of kids and he couldn't stand the situation so changed his ticket to come home, leaving mom to play with the grandkids. Mom's 50s were working and having dad home laying on the couch. When she retired he had already had some heart attacks and if she went on a small trip might have to come home to take care of him. He died 20 years before she did meaning most of her retirement was alone.

Grandma was only 6 years younger than grandpa. He retired at 65 to a small farm. She wasn't old enough for SS for a few more years so worked as a waitress part time. She was 73 when he died and lived to 98 so 25 years as a widow. Her SS was small because she had to quit working when he retired pretty much and took SS at 62.

My ISO is 10 months older than me but I retired 8 months before him, age not a problem.

Funny thing was my ex was 5 years younger than mom but her boyfriend was 6 years younger than her so younger than my ex.

[Deleted]

I think it is the business of the couple ONLY. Except if they are arranged parents better not arrange a to big age difference.

[TheHaitian]

Oct 18, 2014 13:59:02 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

My mom has married men 20+ years older than her twice.  She's been widowed twice at the age of 55.

So sorry for her

[TheHaitian]

Oct 18, 2014 13:49:27 GMT -5 @tiki said:

I think it is the business of the couple ONLY. Except if they are arranged parents better not arrange a to big age difference.

It easy to say but when you marry someone you also marry their families and all the baggages it comes with.

Ex: my aunts wants grandkids from her only child and this lady will he unable to give her that unless they adopt. If they marry I don't think she will ever forgive this lady for stealing her son's youth and the potential grand babies she has been dreaming off for years now.

[Tennesseer]

"My cousin is now dating a lady that is older, same age range as his mom. My aunt is having a tough time accepting it because the situation is moving into the serious category."

It's all about mathematics.  For example;  Twenty goes into forty more times than forty goes into twenty.

[Peace Of Mind]

Oct 18, 2014 12:49:50 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Oct 18, 2014 12:46:12 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

We are all prejudges against assholes.  That is a given.  It doesn't matter how great they look on paper - they all suck.

I would rather my kids marry a poor, black person with a huge age difference than an asshole.

On the other hand, anal retentive personalities are difficult to deal with also.

  Lucky for me that I find easy going guys who will put up with me.     

My mom was married to my dad for 5 years.  It was a train wreck.  Then she married a man 16/17 years older.  The marriage lasted 25 years and then he died.  It was a train wreck.  Then she hooked up with a guy 20 years younger than her.  It lasted about 10 years.   It was a train wreck.

I dated guys 11 years older to 8 years younger.  DH1 was 7 years older and it was a good marriage (together 6 years).  DH2 is a little over 4 years younger and it's a good marriage (together 27 years).  All ended fine and/or still going strong.   Not friends with all of them but if I ran in to them we'd be happy to see each other.

My point is that I think it depends on the people and not the ages as that is irrelevant unless it's an Anna Nicole situation. That was just gross.

[billisonboard]

Oct 18, 2014 13:43:18 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Oct 18, 2014 13:07:03 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

I asked him if he wanted me to have my daughters start calling his 27 year old bride, "Grandma"?

I doubt that the 27 year old new bride would appreciate that much

Dear old Dad didn't appreciate my suggesting it much either. She referred to us as "Charlie's kids" so it only seemed fair.

[TheHaitian]

Oct 18, 2014 13:10:00 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

This thread has me really examining myself.  I wonder if I would basically have a problem with my kids dating anyone that I wouldn't be attracted to, if I were their age.  That would include all my values, not just physically.  hmmmm.  I was kind of like that with my friends.  If I could see why they found that person attractive, I thought they were a good match, and if I couldn't get past the fatal flaw because of my own bias, I didn't get why they were together.  That would explain why age would be a thing for me.  I've never been that great at being friends with people who aren't in my same stage of life.  I'm better now, but still not great at it.

I need some introspection before my kids start dating I guess.  

Don't feel bad, I believe every parent feels the same way.

While my mom worked her ass off to get out of poverty, she still identifies with that class and would have preferred I married someone from that class.

My wife is Haitian and black, but from an upper class and share nothing in common with my mom or my family for that matter. She might has well has been white from Greenwich Village...

Don't get me wrong, my mom loves my wife and I believe vice versa but the connection my mom was hoping for is not there. She would have hoped to gain a daughter she could connect to, talk to on her native tongue for hours , gossip with, call anytime she felt like.

With my wife it is more like a cordial/respectful conversation a few times a year or when they see each other. So yes, the class thing is not just one way and it is human nature. That is why I said it is interesting... People tend to seek out those they can connect with and want the same for their children.

My wife family (including my wife) sees my family as ghetto while my family including my mom sees my wife and her family as uptitty (uptight) or rich black people with a stick up their asses.

The black people I have met on Martha's Vineyard will not let their kids anywhere near the black people I meet in Newark, NJ. In this case my family is the Newark NJ people and my wife is the Martha's Vineyard people.

I included race because I believe nowadays it is less and less about race but more about class. And as an educated black man I would prefer if my son/daughter dated the white kid next door from an educated family/well to do family like mine vs the black kid from the wrong side of the tracks because I feel my kids will have more in common with little Jimmy or Suzeanne next door than La'Quessha or DeShawn from the hoods.

And I am far from racist so no I was not calling you a racist. Just found the statement interesting because I feel the same way, my mom felt the same way but in reverse since she still identifies as working class, that poor black girl that they assumed would not amount to anything.

[thyme4change]

My parents did not come from money.  My father's grandmother was a widow in the depression - so it was rough.  My grandfather was more middle class.  My mother's parents were definitely working class.  My father was a successful corporate executive, and didn't have any problems fitting in, but my mother always had internal conflict between her humble beginnings and her current comfortable life.  So, I kind of get what you are saying - maybe not quite on the same level, but conceptually.  

The other problem I have is that there are so few black people in this area - I think I can name every black person I have ever known.  They were all educated and middle class, so I am not sure I can really imagine how I would feel.  I pulled out white trash - because I've known plenty of that.  A really interesting question would be Mexican immigrants, or second generation.  Wouldn't be unusual for my children to date someone in that situation - both of them have very close friends who are children of immigrants, and I've had several too.  I love that whole culture - family, togetherness, hard work and of course, tacos.  Although, they scare me because negotiation is a strong part of their culture, and I suck at it, so I will basically overpay for everything as long as I live.  

[zibazinski]

Oct 18, 2014 14:09:14 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Oct 18, 2014 13:49:27 GMT -5 @tiki said:

I think it is the business of the couple ONLY. Except if they are arranged parents better not arrange a to big age difference.

It easy to say but when you marry someone you also marry their families and all the baggages it comes with.

Ex: my aunts wants grandkids from her only child and this lady will he unable to give her that unless they adopt. If they marry I don't think she will ever forgive this lady for stealing her son's youth and the potential grand babies she has been dreaming off for years now.

Oh, well, not all investments pay dividends. 

[zibazinski]

My dad was 26 years older than my mom. When she was 20 and he was 46, no biggie as he was a very young 46. Plus, he had a nice convertible and a plane and a lot of money. When she was 40 and he was 66, the situation was a lot different. But age can have very little to do with health. DF is about a year older than me but his health will probably kill me.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I think it all depends. I think 10 yrs is a pretty big gap

Not really - if a person is 21 or 22 and marries someone 31 or 32 - or even 35 (for example) it's not that big a stretch.

DH was 7 yrs my senior - nearly 8.

[Deleted]

DH and I have a 6 year difference. He's my older sister's age. Big whoop. I have a friend who is the same age as DH and my sister but her her DH is almost 30 years older. So what. They adore each other and they are happy together. That's all that matters.

My parents aren't anything to go by as there was only 5 months between them and they hated each other for the longest time. Seriously.

I really don't think about age anyway. I'm an old lady, mentally and DH is an old man, physically, so it works out fine for us.

[cronewitch]

Oct 19, 2014 1:54:32 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I'm 7 months older then my husband, no issue with age.

My son is 10 years older then his wife. A big problem is insurance if one can retire before the other, don't know if it will be now with Obama care.

I worked with a man who couldn't afford to retire until his wife turned 65. He said he was going to retire years before but then she would start another round of chemo so he decided to keep working. He could have gotten COBRA but it was expensive and not sure he could get it for her and not for him. He was 4 years older than her so was 69 when he was finally able to retire.

[truthbound]

Oct 18, 2014 11:27:57 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Oct 18, 2014 11:24:29 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I was 35 when my kids were born - so, honestly, if my 25 year old daughter comes home with a 60 year old man - I will freak the fuck out.  And if my 25 year old son comes home with a 60 year old woman, I will also freak the fuck out.  

How about 40? 50? Where is the line for age difference?

The line is where it always has been. How much money do they have. That is the only reason any 25 year old girl would be banging a wrinkled 60 year old.

[TheHaitian]

Oct 19, 2014 3:00:15 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

Oct 19, 2014 1:54:32 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I'm 7 months older then my husband, no issue with age.

My son is 10 years older then his wife. A big problem is insurance if one can retire before the other, don't know if it will be now with Obama care.

I worked with a man who couldn't afford to retire until his wife turned 65. He said he was going to retire years before but then she would start another round of chemo so he decided to keep working. He could have gotten COBRA but it was expensive and not sure he could get it for her and not for him. He was 4 years older than her so was 69 when he was finally able to retire.

I work with a store manager that is going through the same thing, 70 but cannot retire yet because wife is not 65 and need insurance for her.

He is stepping down to a less stressful position next year and keep on working for the insurance. I think he said he has another 6 years before he can retire /she reacha 65.

[zibazinski]

Oct 18, 2014 13:59:02 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

My mom has married men 20+ years older than her twice.  She's been widowed twice at the age of 55.

DFs one aunt has done the same and it has done her fantastic financially. The trick seems to be for them to actually die and not linger for years draining the resources! I bet there's two sets of heirs just furious that she still alive and kicking!! Loving her Florida lifestyle in the STD capital of the Villages!!

[marvholly]

Personally, I don’t think it is sooo much chronological age factor as it is life stage age. I am a widow for >10 years. I would consider a man who also has grown, gone, independent kids (like me) of just about any age as long as he is somewhat busy w/his life (believe my mom’s comment: married you for breakfast & dinner but NOT lunch) and reasonably healthy. I do not like the idea of being a nurse AGAIN. Late DH had a LOT of health issues & he was only 4 years older than I.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Oct 18, 2014 13:43:18 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Oct 18, 2014 13:07:03 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

I asked him if he wanted me to have my daughters start calling his 27 year old bride, "Grandma"?

I doubt that the 27 year old new bride would appreciate that much [img src="images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png" src="//images.proboards.com/v5/smiley/wink.png" style="max-width:100%;"]

We did something similar to my youngest uncle's gf after she became a fiance.  We were sitting in Grandma's kitchen and someone pointed out that by marrying him, she was going to become a Great Aunt.  I think she was in her early to mid 20s at the time.    Oddly, she's the same age as me but you'd never have known that back then. 

[cael]

I've been noticing lately girls I know  (who are my age, 30ish) marrying guys significantly older than them, like 45-50yr old guys. These aren't people I know personally at this point so I don't actually know how the relationship is... but yeah. I don't think it's weird, just find it interesting. A former coworker of mine is 35 and her husband must be 51 or 52 now - he has 2 sons, one is probably 21 by now so that 21 year old has a 35yo stepmom. That might be weird! (they don't live in this state so they only see them a few times a year) I always tell myself if DH and I ever split I'd go older, but not that much older. I think maybe when I say 'older' I just mean more mature?

One of my best friends has a sister who is married to a guy 11 years older than her. I guess her mother had a conversation w/ my mother once about it (we grew up together at church, so parents are friends), and my friend's mom said at first she was concerned about the age difference. But then she looked at my parents, who are 10yrs apart, and said it made her feel better to see such a good relationship with an age difference like that. My mom thought it was so nice she said that, lol. My mom was 21 and dad 30 when they got married, I have no idea how my grandmother felt about it but she loved my dad, so she probably didn't mind.

Regarding the race/class difference issues - when I started dating DH we were 18, and he was essentially a high school dropout from a dysfunctional white trash family. Mom was not happy for several years.... I don't think it would've mattered what color he was, if I dated someone from a dysfunctional background like that mom still wouldn't have been happy. If I dated a guy who was in college and from a moderately decent family, they wouldn't have batted an eyelash if he was black/white/hispanic/blue/green/purple!

[tloonya]

DH is 11 years older.
We've met at 26/37. So there was no age problem I guess. 22+ married.

However IF my 20 y/old child came with 30 y/old man I would not freak out.
I would freak out if he looked 50.

It is soooo individual, some people are happy with 40 years difference spouse.

As long as people are marrying each other are adults - no one's business!

[tloonya]

Oct 18, 2014 14:09:14 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Oct 18, 2014 13:49:27 GMT -5 @tiki said:

I think it is the business of the couple ONLY. Except if they are arranged parents better not arrange a to big age difference.

It easy to say but when you marry someone you also marry their families and all the baggages it comes with.

Ex: my aunts wants grandkids from her only child and this lady will he unable to give her that unless they adopt. If they marry I don't think she will ever forgive this lady for stealing her son's youth and the potential grand babies she has been dreaming off for years now.

WHO cares what aunt wants? If he is marrying this woman and loving her and they are having a good life together who cares about aunt?
And why are we talking about forgiveness here? Whom would she blame if her son just decided not to have kids? Or being unable?
And I am completely against this thought that you are marrying family. No. You are marrying each other. Families are just people whom you are related to and have no say in anything. What if you are one normal one born in a bunch of idiots family? Would you must follow their rules?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH is 10 years older than me. My dad was not thrilled. The age difference added fuel to the fire b/c there were ALOT of things my dad did not approve of. He may have overlooked some of it in a guy my own age, but my dad had his opinions on where a 29 year old should be in life and DH wasn't even close.

The age difference hasn't caused any problems for us.  It probably helped we were in the same stage of life somewhat.  I was just entering college and DH had just gone back to school to reinvent himself.  We were both broke so there was no 'gold digger" vibe given off.

I had a lot of trouble with guys my age.   Most 19 year old guys want to party and screw.  I wanted to do neither so that really limited my pool of dating applicants.   DH was ready to settle down but his dating pool was starting to get shallow too, mostly women with kids already or a lot of baggage.   So we met at the right time in those terms too.    I had no kids/baggage and DH was well past the frat boy stage.

Retirement wise I am aware of it and trying to plan as best I can since I cannot control the future.  It helps for me that I am a pretty simple person so I have no issues drastically reducing my lifestyle should I need more money to care for DH.  Once he croaks I plan on living in one of those fixed senior houses where I pay like $400 for everything.   No having to worry about keeping a house or anything and it'll make what money I have go a lot farther.

[Firebird]

How would you feel if your daughter or son brought home someone that was your age or older?

It would depend on her age. 

I have nothing against big age differences once she's old enough to know what she's doing.  With teenagers, large age differences tend to spell predator.  Good adult men do not hook up with 15/16/17 year olds in this country no matter how mature they might seem.  And 18/19 would still be seriously questionable to me. 

[zibazinski]

Yup, DF told me the other day he plans to retire maybe when he's 70. I about fainted from shock. I'm sure it will happen before then but if he can and wants to keep going, fine by me. If he's waiting for Medicare and me to get on it as well, then he has to work until he's 66 because I won't qualify for Medicare until then. Unless, of course, they move the age to start Medicare up. Like they did social security.

[Firebird]

I would likely counsel my kids to marry someone "like" them for the biggies:

money
sex
parenting (including SAHP)
religion
education

Good advice overall but I question the importance of the education thing.  I think these categories should be weighted differently depending on how important they are to the couple.  Obviously, money and sex are important to pretty much everyone.  Parenting and religion can definitely be dealbreakers as well.

But education?  Meh.  My DH didn't graduate high school, which might have been a concern except for the fact that it doesn't seem to have held him back.  He's not the school type but he is an extremely hard worker with a lot of valuable job skills.  He's moved more than I have (which is upwards of like 20 times, and something like 10 different states) and he's never had trouble finding a job.  He's got a great work ethic and everyone likes him.  He's advanced pretty rapidly in his current company.

All of that matters waaaaaaaaay more to me than how some people might perceive him because of his education (or lack thereof).  At some point before getting together with, I made an actual list of things that mattered to me in a partner.  Education didn't even cross my mind.  I certainly couldn't care less that he's "less educated" than me. 

[Firebird]

He may have overlooked some of it in a guy my own age, but my dad had his opinions on where a 29 year old should be in life and DH wasn't even close.

I was thinking about you and muttleynfelix when I saw this thread since you've both mentioned big age differences with your spouses.  Your dad's response makes sense to me, especially if there were other red flags in the picture.

I understand why it made sense for you guys to be attracted to each other at the time you were.  But honestly, I would have had concerns too.  It sounds like you were pretty mature for your age but in general, 19 year olds are not known for making great decisions, especially in the romantic arena.

[cael]

Oct 20, 2014 11:08:35 GMT -5 Firebird said:

But education?  Meh.  My DH didn't graduate high school, which might have been a concern except for the fact that it doesn't seem to have held him back.  He's not the school type but he is an extremely hard worker with a lot of valuable job skills.  He's moved more than I have (which is upwards of like 20 times, and something like 10 different states) and he's never had trouble finding a job.  He's got a great work ethic and everyone likes him.  He's advanced pretty rapidly in his current company.

THISSSS. DH got his GED finally at 20 after he realized there was no reasonable way he could complete high school easily. He did a little community college at that point, but then when his dad died he quit for a while. He's a semester away from his associate's degree now (long as he registers for classes ontime this time around ) and he has also always moved up quickly at work. The last job in NJ he had before coming back here he got promoted in like 4 months (gas station manager), the job he got laid off from several years ago promoted him to a supervisory position within a year, and his current job they trained him to be a dining room manager after one year and his feedback is nothing but excellent.

Did we marry the same person FB? My husband is also likable, a real people-pleaser and a hard worker and everyone loves him immediately. I think can be easier for people with those personality traits to go places in life even if they were disadvantaged early on or never got a formal education. Depends on the person... someone with poor inter(intra?)personal skills, a poor work ethic and no education may go nowhere except mom's basement.

[Firebird]

DH got his GED finally at 20 after he realized there was no reasonable way he could complete high school easily. He did a little community college at that point, but then when his dad died he quit for a while.

Did we marry the same person FB?



The only thing that bugs me is that DH actually could have gone to college completely for free.  Not many people have that opportunity, so it's a little annoying that he didn't take advantage of it.  But there's no point dwelling on it, since that benefit is no longer available to him.

I think college is neither inherently good nor inherently bad.  It can be very good for some people, imperative for others, close to useless for still others.  I've known people who somehow managed to graduate college and still can't put a coherent sentence together.  So college doesn't automatically impress me and I think more employers are starting to work out that a degree is not the magic bullet it was, say, 50 years ago.  Especially now that it's gotten so bloody expensive and skipping it to get work experience and build up assets can actually be a very smart decision.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I agreed with my dad's concerns.  I just didn't agree with how he handled it.  

DH doesn't blame my dad either, he said he wouldn't allow Abby or Gwen to date him either.   He's told me numerous times he still can't figure out how he managed to bag me and we've been together for over 10 years now.

But age, at least for us had/has absolutely no bearing on any of the issues we've had.  I could have gone thru all this crap with anyone I married (or god forbid even worse).

What is important to me is that DH was willing to "grow up" because that was my requirement before walking down the aisle.   

I could have married a guy my own age and currenty be stuck with a "man child".   I can't really control what type of person someone grows into.   What is cute/charming in a 19 year old isn't going to be so cute/charming when you're been married 10 years and he hasn't changed.

So that's what I am more concerned about.  I am not going to over look man child behavior in my kids' suitors just because they happen to be the same age.  If the guy can't grow up the last thing you want is to be stuck with them forever.   Immaturity doesn't know age limits.