midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 12, 2014 18:32:26 GMT -5
Why do people ask for advice and then do the exact opposite of what you suggest?
I can understand ignoring unsolicited advice, but I'm mystified as to why people go to the effort of asking for advice and then ignore it -- or even get pissed at you if it's not what they want to hear. (Maybe this should go into the "self-sabotage" thread...)
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Oct 12, 2014 18:38:14 GMT -5
Yeah I know, so I just say NOPE I won't listen, so scoot along and find another sucker.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 12, 2014 18:40:43 GMT -5
Why do people ask for advice and then do the exact opposite of what you suggest? ... Because they know that in any given situation the exact opposite of whatever you suggest is the right thing to do?
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Oct 12, 2014 18:45:07 GMT -5
They don't want to end up like you? In a good relationship, gainfully employed in a job you generally enjoy, and financially stable. Oh, the horror!
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Oct 12, 2014 18:46:13 GMT -5
Because they are not asking for advice. They are hoping for confirmation of what they already want to do.
And no matter how far down the list they have to go, as soon as they get it they're good.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Oct 12, 2014 18:59:13 GMT -5
Because they are not asking for advice. They are hoping for confirmation of what they already want to do.
And no matter how far down the list they have to go, as soon as they get it they're good. Yes, and if you're related to me, apparently if I give you an answer you don't want to hear, the correct response is, "No, I don't want to do that. What else?" As if it is a matter of getting ME to go farther and farther down the list and eventually I will give them the right answer.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 12, 2014 19:03:32 GMT -5
Interesting question. I am such a private person that I don't ask for advice. I just mull it over and over in my mind till I come to my own conclusion. If it turns out I made a mistake so be it. When I decided to file for divorce only my son, spouse and attorney knew. Some of my friends actually saw it in the newspaper (don't even know if they still publish stuff like this anymore but did back in dark ages.) Funny how many people said "why didn't you tell me" Hell, I didn't even tell my mother till it was final. I didn't need/want any imput from others. Guess that makes me a strange duck but have been this way from early age. Learned very early that I pretty much had to depend on me, myself and I.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 12, 2014 19:11:33 GMT -5
I often ask my friend whether they want a real answer or for me to tell them what they want to hear.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 12, 2014 19:12:23 GMT -5
Why do people ask for advice and then do the exact opposite of what you suggest? ... Because they know that in any given situation the exact opposite of whatever you suggest is the right thing to do? Past experience has not borne that theory out... In this case, it was DH who was asked for advice by two different people, both vehicle-purchase-related queries. Both times he said "whatever you do, don't buy it!" They did, and today he gets calls/texts within a two-hour period from each wanting his opinion on what could be causing the serious mechanical issues they're experiencing. I told him he should know better than to give advice, but he's still learning.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 12, 2014 19:13:57 GMT -5
Interesting question. I am such a private person that I don't ask for advice. I just mull it over and over in my mind till I come to my own conclusion. If it turns out I made a mistake so be it. When I decided to file for divorce only my son, spouse and attorney knew. Some of my friends actually saw it in the newspaper (don't even know if they still publish stuff like this anymore but did back in dark ages.) Funny how many people said "why didn't you tell me" Hell, I didn't even tell my mother till it was final. I didn't need/want any imput from others. Guess that makes me a strange duck but have been this way from early age. Learned very early that I pretty much had to depend on me, myself and I. I don't generally take advice or ask advice. Even if I ask I will only consider the advice not blindly take it. If you want advice you need to pick which people to ask to get the answer you want or need. Say you are making a big decision like getting married or buying a car and you ask people or announce it looking for a response. A friend will be very happy for you admire your ring or new car and tell you how lucky you are. A better friend might point out the other side like reminding you that that person you are wanting to marry is bad news with red flags or that you can't afford the new car or your old car has years left in it. You should know in advice who you want to ask depending on the response you want.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 12, 2014 19:39:32 GMT -5
Why do people ask for advice and then do the exact opposite of what you suggest? I can understand ignoring unsolicited advice, but I'm mystified as to why people go to the effort of asking for advice and then ignore it -- or even get pissed at you if it's not what they want to hear. (Maybe this should go into the "self-sabotage" thread...) You listen in on some of my work conversations?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 12, 2014 19:45:28 GMT -5
Why do people ask for advice and then do the exact opposite of what you suggest? I can understand ignoring unsolicited advice, but I'm mystified as to why people go to the effort of asking for advice and then ignore it -- or even get pissed at you if it's not what they want to hear. (Maybe this should go into the "self-sabotage" thread...) You listen in on some of my work conversations? You comment reminded me of when I worked for CPA. Client would come in and say 'I did so and so' and boss lady says 'why didn't you talk with me first' Client "well the "whatever" said it was a good deal. Then boss lady explains the tax consequences to client. If they had asked her she could have advised them in a different manner to save on tax. Funny how one client actually said it would "cost him to consult with her" and it actually cost him more by not consulting her.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Oct 12, 2014 20:00:50 GMT -5
Tallguy nailed it: most people want confirmation of what they already believe. If your natural answer doesn't happen to align, you are obviously unaware of (or not duly weighting) particular factors.
At the same time, its easy to condemn others, but a lot less fun when you want to do something and nobody supports you. I don't know that "bad ideas" are always so obvious as they may seem in hindsight. Hell, we've seen cases of people making all the "right" moves but still getting a negative result.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Oct 12, 2014 21:37:51 GMT -5
If they are like me, they ask a lot of people for advice. I take in what people say, weigh the options against my own research, and figure out a path. Sometimes I go with what people suggest, other times I don't.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Oct 12, 2014 22:03:58 GMT -5
Because they are not asking for advice. They are hoping for confirmation of what they already want to do.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 12, 2014 23:13:49 GMT -5
Because they are not asking for advice. They are hoping for confirmation of what they already want to do.
And no matter how far down the list they have to go, as soon as they get it they're good. This is it exactly. My brother used to do this all the time, so much to the point that I started to think if I told him the opposite of what I thought, he'd do what I thought was smart and finally make a smart decision.
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 13, 2014 7:34:04 GMT -5
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Oct 13, 2014 8:12:03 GMT -5
lol, I like that phrase askhole Personally this only happens once or twice per person. After that the next time they ask for advice I tell them exactly what I think of them always asking and never listening. If the friendship is good enough there might be a way to salvage things and just never talk about whatever it is in their personal life that is always wrong, and if not good riddance. I don't want to waste my time "helping" someone who just isn't going to do anything to help themselves.
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Post by Opti on Oct 13, 2014 8:45:25 GMT -5
Because they know that in any given situation the exact opposite of whatever you suggest is the right thing to do? Past experience has not borne that theory out... In this case, it was DH who was asked for advice by two different people, both vehicle-purchase-related queries. Both times he said "whatever you do, don't buy it!" They did, and today he gets calls/texts within a two-hour period from each wanting his opinion on what could be causing the serious mechanical issues they're experiencing. I told him he should know better than to give advice, but he's still learning. So the problem here seems to be DH hasn't hit on a text response that nicely says IDK, ask your mechanic?
It shouldn't be a requirement of asking for advice that one has to take it. However, in cases like the above, it has an easy cure. "IDK, ask a mechanic. I did recommend not to buy it."
If the texts keep coming, either ignore or text "I am NOT your mechanic. Good luck."
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 13, 2014 10:23:35 GMT -5
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Oct 13, 2014 10:48:28 GMT -5
Why do people ask for advice and then do the exact opposite of what you suggest? I can understand ignoring unsolicited advice, but I'm mystified as to why people go to the effort of asking for advice and then ignore it -- or even get pissed at you if it's not what they want to hear. (Maybe this should go into the "self-sabotage" thread...) Hmmm, I always thought advice was NOT a directive or a command. I often ask for people's opinions or advice on stuff 'cause I'm accumulating "information" so I can make the best decision that right for me and my situation. I want to hear their point of view or hear about their experience. I DON"T want them to make the decision for me - I'm not handing control of my decision to them. I'm looking for additional perspectives - like what they THINK I should do (based on the info they have about the situation). If I took my brother(s) advice about what car to buy I'd be driving a 6 person SUV with a hitch - that wouldn't fit in my garage. I'm single. I'm 5 foot 2. I don't drive very much. I do sometimes 'chauffeur' friends - usually not more than 3 (so 4 passengers). I don't own a boat or a traileer. Why would I need a SUV? If I took my brother(s) advice about investing I'd be 20 percent stocks/80 percent bonds/cash. <-- ok that's a bit of an exaggeration but it's close. They are retired or 5 years away from retirement - I've got 10 to 15 years before I retire. Why would I take their advice about asset allocations? BUT, they did have useful info on investing in general and about what things they were doing/finding as they started winding down their careers, etc.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 13, 2014 11:30:38 GMT -5
They don't want to end up like you? In a good relationship, gainfully employed in a job you generally enjoy, and financially stable. Oh, the horror!
Hahaha - this is my friend. She asked me and another close friend for relationship advice awhile back - both me and the other friend have been happily married for several years (other friend has been with her partner for almost a decade, I think), and we both answered her honestly - we didn't think the guy was right for her.
She ignored us both and we laughed later as we compared notes. It was funny to both of us that she bothered to ask advice of us if she was just going to ignore it. Especially when we were both in happy marriages and had been for a decent amount of time (not that it makes us experts, especially me, but still).
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 13, 2014 11:47:57 GMT -5
I don't really subscribe to that, and I can see the purpose in soliciting advice from a number of people... but in both the situations that prompted the OP, someone asked DH for advice, he provided several options, they then chose an option he had expressly advised against, and then they wanted him to give them more advice on how to fix the problems. One of the people was SIL, who got pissed when DH told her not to buy a $15K truck from a buy-here, pay-here lot (after she sent him a picture of the truck and asked him what he thought). He told her about several similar trucks they had for sale that weren't priced $5K over the KBB value and were in good mechanical shape. He also told her about the number of trucks they see on a weekly basis that have been sold by that BHPH lot, and the different tricks they use to make it seem like their vehicles are in good shape (clearing CEL codes, using heavyweight oil to hide engine knocks, etc.) She told him it was her money and he could shut the F up if he was just going to be a downer. Then yesterday, she calls all upset because the truck she bought from the BHPH lot is burning oil and overheating, and what is she supposed to do now? That is what I mean by an askhole
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Oct 13, 2014 12:48:45 GMT -5
My brother does this. ALL.THE.TIME. My parents still give him advice, then bitch about how he doesn't listen. I just ignore him. If I get stuck, I'll turn it back on him: What do you think you should do? What do you want to do? Why do you think that's the way to do it? Usually that shuts him up, and once in awhile, he'll even listen to me. But mostly, I think he just asks to hear himself talk and he knows what he wants to do before he asks and does it anyway. It's frustrating!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 13, 2014 12:50:53 GMT -5
Is anyone else hearing the toddler from Meet The Parents every time they see the title of this thread?
"Asssssss... HOLE."
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 13, 2014 13:28:23 GMT -5
I think sometimes people pretend they are asking for advice when really they want sympathy.
My mom loved to call up her girlfriends and chat for hours about her horrible kids. Oldest kid was too fat. Next kid was too shy. Third kid was too geeky smart and that scared the boys away. She wasn't interested in anyone telling her what to do to 'fix' her kids, she wanted everyone to feel sorry for her and pat her on the back because she had three kids who were such huge disappointments.
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aricia
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Post by aricia on Oct 13, 2014 13:34:54 GMT -5
In your husband's situation it sounds like they are asking for his "expert" opinion since that's his line of work. That's quite a bit different than just asking for random suggestions/opinions. You would think people would be more inclined to listen. My experience is that most people don't listen to expert advice if they get it for free. Especially if they're family!!!
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Oct 13, 2014 13:35:18 GMT -5
I don't think asking for advice obligates one to take that advice. However, it should be a rule that, after you ask for advice and don't take it, you don't get to ask for MORE advice to fix your mess.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Oct 13, 2014 14:40:53 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 13, 2014 14:47:29 GMT -5
Humans are programmed to form an opinion/make a decision first and then seek out evidence later. You didn't have time to sit and debate if that was a saber tooth tiger coming to eat you or not, you needed to run first and ask questions later.
That's why I am flying blind a lot of the time when I do studies. Often times the people handing me the work know what to expect, they want to see if I come to the result independently and I can't do that if I already have an idea of what to expect. If I know what to expect people can challenge the results saying I was unconsciously influenced.
Same goes for any other type of advice. People don't want you to tell them what to do, they want confirmation of a decision they already long ago made. There has been study after study showing we all do it. We like to assume we don't that we are somehow better, but we're all guilty of what the OP is talking about at some point in our lives.
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