Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 16, 2014 10:17:29 GMT -5
So true happyhoix. They actually seem to get off making people miserable. I have a very hard time wrapping my head around that. There's no doubt in my mind that we could find homes for the two boy dogs. Since I haven't met the "new" dog I don't know really how bad she is. I'm relying on DH's assessment. What I find so strange about the O.P. is that MIL didn't interrogate Pond guy the way she interrogated us when we said we would take care of the dogs when we were cleaning up her Trust docs over a year ago. I'm not kidding; she wanted to know what yard they would be in, whether they would live in the house et cetera. Fortunately I HAD had this very same discussion with DH and I was prepared for the interrogation. She's assuming he's going to move into the house and keep everything as she does. ETA - I don't know if she's thinking he'll buy the house or that she'll leave it to him.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 16, 2014 11:07:29 GMT -5
It always frustrated me to no end that my dad tolerated my mom's bad behavior. Everything she wanted he did what he could, within his power, to make happen for her. All the times she would sit there and complain about him, about the 3 oldest kids, about how everyone in the family was failing to do exactly what she wanted them to do, he just sat there stone faced and said nothing. Then one day when I was a teenager mom and I were arguing about something Mom insisted I had to do that I didn't want to do (story of my teenage years) and my dad took me to the side and said "Life is just easier if let her have her way, and it's no skin off your nose to give in to her." And I realized that the poor man spent 53 year of his adult life just trying to find some peace in his life by letting her always have her own way, all the time, on everything she wanted, in the hopes that she would be happy, because he didn't understand that narcissicts are never happy. That's a shame. It's too bad he didn't move on and make some happiness for himself. I often wondered why he didn't divorce her, but he was the WWII generation and I think religiously he didn't believe divorce was an acceptable option. I remember driving someplace with mom and dad in the car when I was about 35, and mom made the startling confession that she almost divorced my dad in their first year of marriage. I thought man - did dad cheat on her? HIt her? But no, her complaint was that dad came home in the evening and sat and read the paper. He didn't hug her enough. He didn't lavish her with attention like she wanted. He didn't take her out for dinner or to clubs enough. She kept going on and on about how hard it was for her, that first year of marriage, how sad she was, how lonely she was, how she cried all the time, while my dad sat there and said nothing. Finally I said "Well, I bet that first year of marriage wasn't any bed of roses for Daddy, either." Well, that pissed her off to no end - how could I dare to say being married to her was hard? She was the best possible wife in the world and daddy was lucky she agreed to marry him. My poor dad sat perfectly still and said nothing at all. Mom sulked for the next 30 minutes - which at least made it quiet in the car I kind of wish she did divorce him, he deserved better.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 16, 2014 11:15:58 GMT -5
My dad went through it, too. These people find the perfect person to put up with them. Trouble is they don't respect the very people they shit all over because they can shit on them. Also, it's hard on children to see this. I loved my father very much but I resented the fact that he let her abuse BOTH of us. Because he had no spine. One time he blamed me for him staying in the marriage, because he stayed for me, to protect me as best he could. Considering it was fairly non existent, his protection, I wasn't impressed but of course, I felt guilty. That is nothing that should be a child's burden.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 16, 2014 14:10:41 GMT -5
So true happyhoix. They actually seem to get off making people miserable. I have a very hard time wrapping my head around that. There's no doubt in my mind that we could find homes for the two boy dogs. Since I haven't met the "new" dog I don't know really how bad she is. I'm relying on DH's assessment. What I find so strange about the O.P. is that MIL didn't interrogate Pond guy the way she interrogated us when we said we would take care of the dogs when we were cleaning up her Trust docs over a year ago. I'm not kidding; she wanted to know what yard they would be in, whether they would live in the house et cetera. Fortunately I HAD had this very same discussion with DH and I was prepared for the interrogation. She's assuming he's going to move into the house and keep everything as she does. ETA - I don't know if she's thinking he'll buy the house or that she'll leave it to him. Do you mean Pond Guy? If so, no. Even she isn't that crazy. He's got a nice set up. I was concerned that she was going to redo her Trust again and put in the Dog Trust again but thankfully I think she's too cheap. Cleaning up her Trust cost her $2500 and she was pretty unhappy about it. We paid $800 to get two sets of Medical and General POAs for her. Her attorney is a decent guy and I'm confident he would contact DH if she was going to leave a substantial sum to her Pond Guy. He's very aware of financial elder abuse.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 16, 2014 14:18:54 GMT -5
She's assuming he's going to move into the house and keep everything as she does. ETA - I don't know if she's thinking he'll buy the house or that she'll leave it to him. Do you mean Pond Guy? If so, no. Even she isn't that crazy. He's got a nice set up. I was concerned that she was going to redo her Trust again and put in the Dog Trust again but thankfully I think she's too cheap. Cleaning up her Trust cost her $2500 and she was pretty unhappy about it. We paid $800 to get two sets of Medical and General POAs for her. Her attorney is a decent guy and I'm confident he would contact DH if she was going to leave a substantial sum to her Pond Guy. He's very aware of financial elder abuse.
okay, I"m asking again.... 'Dog trust' ? As in "I'm leaving everything to the furbabies"?
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 16, 2014 15:09:43 GMT -5
Do you mean Pond Guy? If so, no. Even she isn't that crazy. He's got a nice set up. I was concerned that she was going to redo her Trust again and put in the Dog Trust again but thankfully I think she's too cheap. Cleaning up her Trust cost her $2500 and she was pretty unhappy about it. We paid $800 to get two sets of Medical and General POAs for her. Her attorney is a decent guy and I'm confident he would contact DH if she was going to leave a substantial sum to her Pond Guy. He's very aware of financial elder abuse.
okay, I"m asking again.... 'Dog trust' ? As in "I'm leaving everything to the furbabies"? Not everything. I think her Trust had a pretty big limit, maybe $200k? Her NW is now back over $1M again. Her executor would sell enough assets to fund the Trust and the rest of her estate would be distributed accordingly. The money in the Dog Trust would be used to care for them (food, grooming, medical, etc). But of course she had to make it more complicated. She then added the proviso that if there was any money left in the Dog Trust after the last dog died that her Trustee was to set up a Foundation in the name of the three dogs and make distributions from the earnings to various animal charities. Now my MIL spends A LOT on her dogs; probably 30+k/yr. Therefore you can see the problem. Say the dogs lived for another five years after she died, so $150k gets spent. You don't set up a "Foundation" for $50k. Normal protocol would be to do a donation (s) and close up the Trust. But no, she wanted to drag out the process for a long time. Besides the obvious, one of the problems with this strategy is that a Trustee gets to earn a fee as long as the Trust is in place. Given how piddley the earnings would be from $50k, all of it would get eaten up by Administration fees and costs! And while DH wouldn't charge for his services what a bunch of aggravation! When we cleaned up her Trust last year I think I got rid of the Dog Trust and simplified it to a Pet Trust...because she started talking about wanting to set up something for her koi. The attorney asked me if I was kidding? I told him I wish I was.
Our Pet Trust has a smaller amount, maybe $50k with $5k/yr going to the pet guardian for the hassle. Distribution afterwards is to a no-kill pet shelter.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 16, 2014 16:14:21 GMT -5
Not everything. I think her Trust had a pretty big limit, maybe $200k? Her NW is now back over $1M again. Her executor would sell enough assets to fund the Trust and the rest of her estate would be distributed accordingly. The money in the Dog Trust would be used to care for them (food, grooming, medical, etc). But of course she had to make it more complicated. She then added the proviso that if there was any money left in the Dog Trust after the last dog died that her Trustee was to set up a Foundation in the name of the three dogs and make distributions from the earnings to various animal charities. Now my MIL spends A LOT on her dogs; probably 30+k/yr. Therefore you can see the problem. Say the dogs lived for another five years after she died, so $150k gets spent. You don't set up a "Foundation" for $50k. Normal protocol would be to do a donation (s) and close up the Trust. But no, she wanted to drag out the process for a long time. Besides the obvious, one of the problems with this strategy is that a Trustee gets to earn a fee as long as the Trust is in place. Given how piddley the earnings would be from $50k, all of it would get eaten up by Administration fees and costs! And while DH wouldn't charge for his services what a bunch of aggravation! When we cleaned up her Trust last year I think I got rid of the Dog Trust and simplified it to a Pet Trust...because she started talking about wanting to set up something for her koi. The attorney asked me if I was kidding? I told him I wish I was.
Our Pet Trust has a smaller amount, maybe $50k with $5k/yr going to the pet guardian for the hassle. Distribution afterwards is to a no-kill pet shelter.
I get the trust for care of the pets... but a koi trust is a new one for me. The idea of having a foundation on behalf of each of the Koi would send me over the bend.
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mskay
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Post by mskay on Oct 16, 2014 21:59:29 GMT -5
Well Koi do live quite a long time but I guess I can't see getting emotionally attached to fish. plus finding people who can house a dog is a lot easier than finding someone who has the room for a koi pond. Maybe why I've never heard of shelters for fish.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 16, 2014 23:11:59 GMT -5
Well Koi do live quite a long time but I guess I can't see getting emotionally attached to fish. plus finding people who can house a dog is a lot easier than finding someone who has the room for a koi pond. Maybe why I've never heard of shelters for fish. There are koi rescue groups in the Portland OR area. I already had looked into them when MIL was not doing well last year. But I know Pond Guy will find a home for them.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 17, 2014 7:22:28 GMT -5
She's assuming he's going to move into the house and keep everything as she does. ETA - I don't know if she's thinking he'll buy the house or that she'll leave it to him. Do you mean Pond Guy? If so, no. Even she isn't that crazy. He's got a nice set up. I was concerned that she was going to redo her Trust again and put in the Dog Trust again but thankfully I think she's too cheap. Cleaning up her Trust cost her $2500 and she was pretty unhappy about it. We paid $800 to get two sets of Medical and General POAs for her. Her attorney is a decent guy and I'm confident he would contact DH if she was going to leave a substantial sum to her Pond Guy. He's very aware of financial elder abuse.
Yep. I meant to say that your MIL thinks Pond Guy will buy the house and keep the dogs (and apparently Koi) safe and sound.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 17, 2014 7:43:52 GMT -5
Well Koi do live quite a long time but I guess I can't see getting emotionally attached to fish. plus finding people who can house a dog is a lot easier than finding someone who has the room for a koi pond. Maybe why I've never heard of shelters for fish. There are koi rescue groups in the Portland OR area. I already had looked into them when MIL was not doing well last year. But I know Pond Guy will find a home for them. Okay, I know it makes sense that these exist, it's just never occurred to me that these exist
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 17, 2014 8:22:51 GMT -5
There are koi rescue groups in the Portland OR area. I already had looked into them when MIL was not doing well last year. But I know Pond Guy will find a home for them. Okay, I know it makes sense that these exist, it's just never occurred to me that these exist Yep and Bonny's a good person for doing that research. If this were my MIL, I'd have just called up the nearest Chinese restaurant and let them know where to come find the fish....
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 17, 2014 8:32:10 GMT -5
I'd be calling my Zoo and asking if they want more fish for the pond. They've got some pretty hefty carp/koi in there already.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 17, 2014 9:21:30 GMT -5
I'd be calling my Zoo and asking if they want more fish for the pond. They've got some pretty hefty carp/koi in there already. Yeah, it's a little more complicated than that as the institutions are pretty careful about introducing "foreign" fish due to bacteria. It's been a year and I'm a little fuzzy on the details but if the institution wants the fish, the fish would go into some kind of quarantine. The Pond Guy has an approved facility and has several institutional clients who would be likely candidates. He's already taken a few of MIL's fish since she reduced the size of the pond.
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 17, 2014 9:29:43 GMT -5
I'd be calling my Zoo and asking if they want more fish for the pond. They've got some pretty hefty carp/koi in there already. Yeah, it's a little more complicated than that as the institutions are pretty careful about introducing "foreign" fish due to bacteria. It's been a year and I'm a little fuzzy on the details but if the institution wants the fish, the fish would go into some kind of quarantine. The Pond Guy has an approved facility and has several institutional clients who would be likely candidates. He's already taken a few of MIL's fish since she reduced the size of the pond. Good point.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Oct 17, 2014 11:01:24 GMT -5
I'd be calling my Zoo and asking if they want more fish for the pond. They've got some pretty hefty carp/koi in there already. Yeah, it's a little more complicated than that as the institutions are pretty careful about introducing "foreign" fish due to bacteria. It's been a year and I'm a little fuzzy on the details but if the institution wants the fish, the fish would go into some kind of quarantine. The Pond Guy has an approved facility and has several institutional clients who would be likely candidates. He's already taken a few of MIL's fish since she reduced the size of the pond. The Chinese restaurant would be my option, too.
But slightly OT, there is a llama rescue around here. I had no idea there was such a thing.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 17, 2014 11:32:25 GMT -5
Yeah, it's a little more complicated than that as the institutions are pretty careful about introducing "foreign" fish due to bacteria. It's been a year and I'm a little fuzzy on the details but if the institution wants the fish, the fish would go into some kind of quarantine. The Pond Guy has an approved facility and has several institutional clients who would be likely candidates. He's already taken a few of MIL's fish since she reduced the size of the pond. The Chinese restaurant would be my option, too.
But slightly OT, there is a llama rescue around here. I had no idea there was such a thing.
I like llamas, provided they're in a good mood.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2014 21:12:20 GMT -5
Not that I think she'd listen, but I'd probably tell the MIL that she's behaving irresponsibly when she adopts pets that may outlive her. Yeah. I tried that with my mother. Her cat outlived her by 3 years.
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