Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 13, 2014 12:19:59 GMT -5
Not that I think she'd listen, but I'd probably tell the MIL that she's behaving irresponsibly when she adopts pets that may outlive her. We tried when her female dog died earlier this year and she wanted to replace her.
You may not remember my thread a few months ago when she pulled the full on melt-down sobbing and howling about how could DH separate her "family". When she got up to use the restroom DH said to me "I'm just going to tell her that we'll take all the dogs and hope they're gone before her. If we need to rehome the new dog we'll deal with it then".
An hour later MIL was on the phone to her SIL bragging that "It took a few tears but I got <my DH> to agree to take all the dogs". DH was furious. I told him to confront her which of course she denied saying that to her SIL .
We think she suffers from Narcissistic Personality Syndrome. If you look it up on the Mayo Clinic website she fits it to a "T".
She is seeing a psychologist, probably because she can't figure out why no one want to help her anymore... because she's done so much for everybody else
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 13, 2014 12:38:23 GMT -5
Not sure why this is an issue. She thinks she has it resolved. Let her. The pets may die first.Or if she ddies first, you do what you can do. As I mentioned in my earlier post, MIL is likely to taunt DH about how "wonderful" pond guy is vs her only child. There's only so much verbal abuse DH can take before he explodes back.
If we were dealing with a "reasonable" person she would understand that expecting one person to take in her three high maintenance dogs is a huge burden. And if we were dealing a "reasonable" person she would not have replaced the dog who died. At nearly 80 she has plenty of challenges dealing with just the two remaining dogs given both her and the dogs' health issues. The "new" dog apparently has some real personality issues. And of course we're concerned that if one of the remaining dogs dies she's going to replace it with another old, sick dog. She told DH she wanted this replacement dog because she had health issues and MIL likes a dog who needs her.
Her psychologist has been working on her to get her to relocated out of "Waterworld" house; the house where she and the dogs keep falling into the pond. I think it's going to be enough of a challenge to meet her "expectations" for real retirement home without having to deal with one which will take three dogs.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 13, 2014 13:57:53 GMT -5
Not sure why this is an issue. She thinks she has it resolved. Let her. The pets may die first.Or if she ddies first, you do what you can do. As I mentioned in my earlier post, MIL is likely to taunt DH about how "wonderful" pond guy is vs her only child. There's only so much verbal abuse DH can take before he explodes back.
If we were dealing with a "reasonable" person she would understand that expecting one person to take in her three high maintenance dogs is a huge burden. And if we were dealing a "reasonable" person she would not have replaced the dog who died. At nearly 80 she has plenty of challenges dealing with just the two remaining dogs given both her and the dogs' health issues. The "new" dog apparently has some real personality issues. And of course we're concerned that if one of the remaining dogs dies she's going to replace it with another old, sick dog. She told DH she wanted this replacement dog because she had health issues and MIL likes a dog who needs her.
Her psychologist has been working on her to get her to relocated out of "Waterworld" house; the house where she and the dogs keep falling into the pond. I think it's going to be enough of a challenge to meet her "expectations" for real retirement home without having to deal with one which will take three dogs.
He knows she's an ass. Smile, nod, and walk away.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 13, 2014 14:06:49 GMT -5
DH cannot control his mom but he can control how he reacts to her. There is no reason to "explode". Just remember she'll be dead so what she wants at that time as far as her dogs go is moot. He just has to humor her on the subject till she kicks the bucket.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 13, 2014 16:00:18 GMT -5
Just ignore all of this dog stuff. She just wants to pull your (dog) chains. We kept stuff from my mother when she had Alzheimers. She had a big persian cat, just beautiful, but it had started peeing all over her house, and she was spending hours down on her knees, obsessively scrubbing the floors over and over.
It was so sad. She, on her own, decided to get her cat re-homed. She called her veterinarian, and they said they would give the cat to a loving owner, which they did. It was a man who was used to persian cats, and had just lost his. They told him about the pee problem, but he didn't care. He thought that he could cope with it, etc.
Two or three weeks after the cat had left Mom's house, all of a sudden, she decided she wanted her cat back. Well, that wasn't happening, since it would have been unfair to both the cat and the new cat owner, to say nothing of mom. She couldn't keep worrying and obsessing about the cat, its appetite ( another part of the story ), and its marking problems, much less scrubbing the floors on her knees all of the time. We couldn't keep someone with her all day, because her boyfriend had her convinced that she didn't need anyone with her. We were getting ready to put her into assisted living anyway, so there was no place for her cat.
We just out-and-out lied to her. We told her that we were looking for her cat, etc. We felt kind of bad about it, but as long as she thought we were looking for the cat, and would talk about it every week, it soothed her and made her feel better.
She died a few months after giving her cat away, so it was best for the cat and Mom that he had found a new home. The veterinary office said that the new owner was happy with the cat, and had brought it in for treatment, etc.
Your MIL has been terribly difficult, and if you tell her about the dog situation, she will have no trust left for her son. In this case, the dogs will find new homes, and she is better off not knowing all about the details.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 13, 2014 16:06:07 GMT -5
My grandparents assisted living accepts pets. I know one woman who had 2 pekinese and a few others that have 1 small dog or 1 cat. I doubt they would take 3, and the residents are responsible for taking care of the animals--the staff isn't going to scoop a litter box or take the dog for a walk so that limits who can have a pet there. I dread the day I have to deal with this for my in-laws and my sister. I wish you the best trying to manage the situation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 17:57:19 GMT -5
You have enough problems to deal with, between the rentals and your MIL and her 3 dogs, I honestly don't get your fretting about this, Bonny.
You have NO idea what will happen. You have NO idea of who will go first, your MIL or the dogs. Or if she doesn't go first, how many dogs will be left when she goes, and which ones (since it appears you'd be willing to take 2 of them but not the third).
I'd try to find an "old age home" for them, per Shane's suggestion. Since you give a lot of charitable contributions, maybe you can find a home you like and help support their work in anticipation of this time.
But then I'd decide to worry about it when the time comes, and do my best for her dogs at that point. All you'll accomplish by telling her that Koi Guy intends to rehome the dogs rather than adopt them is to antagonize her further, and continue to make your lives (especially your DH's) more difficult. This said, I'd want to make sure that Koi Guy is sincere and would never sell them to a lab or to a dog-fighting ring or something horrible like that.
Also, people lie, and people change their minds. My close friend lost her mom two years ago. Her mom's friend had always SWORN she would take my friend's mom's dog. Then (an hour after the funeral) she announced that she couldn't take the dog. (Who knows whether she originally meant it and changed her mind, or whether she never meant it in the first place.) My friend managed to rehome her mom's dog to a loving home in the country, but NOT to the person who had always promised her mom she would take her.
You'll cross that bridge when you come to it.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 17:58:19 GMT -5
Rae, my friend is a nurse in an assisted living / Alzheimer's home, and they also accept pets. BUT, only some pets (easygoing, sociable, etc). I don't know who makes that decision, but I know from my friend, somebody does. ETA: The home also has a "home" dog, who is actually a seeing-eye dog "reject" (sorry I'm guessing I don't know the proper terminology). The dog freaks out whenever anybody is sitting down on the floor, or wearing a hat, so it "failed" seeing-eye dog school despite a promising start. But she's incredibly sweet and the residents all love her. One of the docs takes her home on her days off so the dog can run, walk in the woods, etc. The doc jokes, she's just like me, she works 5 days a week, but 2 days a week, she gets to chill.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Oct 13, 2014 18:14:17 GMT -5
The terminologoy would be "seeing eye dog", @debthaven2.
I also agree that mum's the word is best for your MIL.
If the koi pond guy agreed (to his understanding) that he'd re-home the dogs, then if the dogs don't go first, MIL will be none the wiser about who'll be getting her dogs.
If they do go first, it'll be a non-issue.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 18:23:17 GMT -5
Thanks Lassie. I had actually already changed it to "seeing eye dog" but I'm guessing the "reject" part isn't very PC LOL
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 13, 2014 19:10:21 GMT -5
My family had a reject from a seeing eye dog program. He was the world's greatest dog. I don't think that "reject" is a bad term. The animal just wasn't cut out for the program.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 13, 2014 19:17:25 GMT -5
I don't think that "reject" is a bad term. The animal just wasn't cut out for the program. Says the person who HATES PC terminology.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 13, 2014 20:14:32 GMT -5
I don't think that "reject" is a bad term. The animal just wasn't cut out for the program. Says the person who HATES PC terminology. Hmmm, I don't remember "hating PC terminology." Besides, it's a dog.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 13, 2014 20:17:33 GMT -5
Our poodle is the best dog in the world, but after she goes, we most likely won't get another one. Trying to find a petsitter or dogwalker when we want to take a quick trip can be quite a struggle. She didn't do well at her customary boarding kennel over 5 days this summer. Usually, she's fine there, but this time, she was really upset when we picked her up. We think it's a function of her puppy-dog age.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Oct 14, 2014 9:52:13 GMT -5
Our poodle is the best dog in the world, but after she goes, we most likely won't get another one. Trying to find a petsitter or dogwalker when we want to take a quick trip can be quite a struggle. She didn't do well at her customary boarding kennel over 5 days this summer. Usually, she's fine there, but this time, she was really upset when we picked her up. We think it's a function of her puppy-dog age. Our beagle is 16.5 and fading. We hope to retire next year. We will not be getting a new dog. We want to travel without worrying about taking care of a pet. I have mixed feeling about getting a pet when we get even older. The companionship would be very nice, but I hesitate to deal with the kind of issues expressed in this thread.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2014 9:54:24 GMT -5
Our poodle is the best dog in the world, but after she goes, we most likely won't get another one. Trying to find a petsitter or dogwalker when we want to take a quick trip can be quite a struggle. She didn't do well at her customary boarding kennel over 5 days this summer. Usually, she's fine there, but this time, she was really upset when we picked her up. We think it's a function of her puppy-dog age. Our beagle is 16.5 and fading. We hope to retire next year. We will not be getting a new dog. We want to travel without worrying about taking care of a pet. I have mixed feeling about getting a pet when we get even older. The companionship would be very nice, but I hesitate to deal with the kind of issues expressed in this thread. you could always adopt a senior pet that won't be around too long....or you could do hospice care for pets rescued from shelters
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 14, 2014 10:02:10 GMT -5
Our poodle is the best dog in the world, but after she goes, we most likely won't get another one. Trying to find a petsitter or dogwalker when we want to take a quick trip can be quite a struggle. She didn't do well at her customary boarding kennel over 5 days this summer. Usually, she's fine there, but this time, she was really upset when we picked her up. We think it's a function of her puppy-dog age. Our beagle is 16.5 and fading. We hope to retire next year. We will not be getting a new dog. We want to travel without worrying about taking care of a pet. I have mixed feeling about getting a pet when we get even older. The companionship would be very nice, but I hesitate to deal with the kind of issues expressed in this thread. We are likely to take a break in being owned by pets for a while too. Both of our cats are in kidney failure and giving sub-cu fluids 3x week to the barfy boy limits us to 5 day trips. I think we'll get the big trips out of the way and then resume ownership again.
We've set up a pet trust and a guardian so that's all covered.
I doubt you would be the unreasonable PITA my MIL is. She knows she should be simplifying her life but refuses to deal with it and creates a burden for everyone around her. And is damn mean about it too.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 14, 2014 13:49:21 GMT -5
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 14, 2014 16:21:31 GMT -5
Next time she falls in the pond... look the other way hold her head under Fixed!
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 15, 2014 15:00:47 GMT -5
My mom is a narcissist too and she had this issue as well. Mom and dad lived in a two story house with all the bedrooms on the second floor, in a 1 acre lot. Dad started having mobility issues and we urged them to move to a condo or a house on a small lot. Her 'retirement' home ended up being a split level - to go to the garage to the kitchen you had to walk up two flghts of stairs. Bedroom and kitchen upstairs, TV room and laundry two flights down. The only thing 'downsized' about the house was they went from 1 acre to 1/4 of an acre. But this was the only house that met all of Mom's 'must have's', and she didn't really care that dad had to crawl up the stairs. She also adopted a 1 year old cat about 3 months before she had a stroke - now the cat lives with me, because she's in assisted living, talking about how she wants a kitten. Narcissistic moms - everything is about what they want, nothing else ever matters, and everyone has to go along with what they want or there is hell to pay....
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 15, 2014 15:18:19 GMT -5
My mom is a narcissist too and she had this issue as well. Mom and dad lived in a two story house with all the bedrooms on the second floor, in a 1 acre lot. Dad started having mobility issues and we urged them to move to a condo or a house on a small lot. Her 'retirement' home ended up being a split level - to go to the garage to the kitchen you had to walk up two flghts of stairs. Bedroom and kitchen upstairs, TV room and laundry two flights down. The only thing 'downsized' about the house was they went from 1 acre to 1/4 of an acre. But this was the only house that met all of Mom's 'must have's', and she didn't really care that dad had to crawl up the stairs. She also adopted a 1 year old cat about 3 months before she had a stroke - now the cat lives with me, because she's in assisted living, talking about how she wants a kitten. Narcissistic moms - everything is about what they want, nothing else ever matters, and everyone has to go along with what they want or there is hell to pay.... My armchair diagnosis of FIL puts him in this category. It's frustrating as all get out, but what kills me is that everyone does go along with it. I dread the day that their health deteriorates to the point that they need help. I'm not sure there is enough wine in the world for me to keep my thoughts to myself if that happens.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 15, 2014 15:22:00 GMT -5
If its your FIL, the ones enabling him are the ones who need to step up to the plate.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Oct 15, 2014 18:13:07 GMT -5
If its your FIL, the ones enabling him are the ones who need to step up to the plate. The ones causing the problem never step up to the plate.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 16, 2014 7:25:59 GMT -5
True but that doesn't mean you have to. My aunt, who I love dearly, took on another dog with issues at age 78, with herself having still potential cancer issues. I guess she feels she can stick my uncle with it of she dies. Trouble is I doubt he'd outlive her for one thing and another is that he doesn't want another dog, something she totally ignored, because she did. After these cats that DF and i have go to rainbow heaven, DF and I are done with animals. I love them to pieces but no one wants your pets if they outlive you. DF isn't on board with that but I will cross that bridge when I have to.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 16, 2014 7:29:19 GMT -5
As I mentioned in my earlier post, MIL is likely to taunt DH about how "wonderful" pond guy is vs her only child. There's only so much verbal abuse DH can take before he explodes back.
If we were dealing with a "reasonable" person she would understand that expecting one person to take in her three high maintenance dogs is a huge burden. And if we were dealing a "reasonable" person she would not have replaced the dog who died. At nearly 80 she has plenty of challenges dealing with just the two remaining dogs given both her and the dogs' health issues. The "new" dog apparently has some real personality issues. And of course we're concerned that if one of the remaining dogs dies she's going to replace it with another old, sick dog. She told DH she wanted this replacement dog because she had health issues and MIL likes a dog who needs her.
Her psychologist has been working on her to get her to relocated out of "Waterworld" house; the house where she and the dogs keep falling into the pond. I think it's going to be enough of a challenge to meet her "expectations" for real retirement home without having to deal with one which will take three dogs.
He knows she's an ass. Smile, nod, and walk away. "Smile and wave boys. Smile and wave." Penguins from Madagascar
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 16, 2014 7:34:02 GMT -5
I was trying to give you plausible deniability Either that or throw the dog in after her 'to save her' two birds... one stone /wow... I'm on a roll today this is the second comment I'm going to hell for.. umm actually I think I'm up to three now. We love you anyway @sroo4.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 16, 2014 7:45:25 GMT -5
True but that doesn't mean you have to. My aunt, who I love dearly, took on another dog with issues at age 78, with herself having still potential cancer issues. I guess she feels she can stick my uncle with it of she dies. Trouble is I doubt he'd outlive her for one thing and another is that he doesn't want another dog, something she totally ignored, because she did. After these cats that DF and i have go to rainbow heaven, DF and I are done with animals. I love them to pieces but no one wants your pets if they outlive you. DF isn't on board with that but I will cross that bridge when I have to. I want my parents to have pets as long as possible. It's a very sad home without furbabies. DH and I will take them if/when the time comes. Then again they take care of their animals and socalize them with ours often. We petsit for them, and vice-versa, and I don't see that changing. This is our family and how things work for us. As a side-note: When I was a kid, we took Grandma's dog when she passed on. He was the best dog ever! ETA: Petsitting means all the animals are staying in the same house ours or theirs, not the people going between two houses to care for them.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 16, 2014 9:22:27 GMT -5
My mom is a narcissist too and she had this issue as well. Mom and dad lived in a two story house with all the bedrooms on the second floor, in a 1 acre lot. Dad started having mobility issues and we urged them to move to a condo or a house on a small lot. Her 'retirement' home ended up being a split level - to go to the garage to the kitchen you had to walk up two flghts of stairs. Bedroom and kitchen upstairs, TV room and laundry two flights down. The only thing 'downsized' about the house was they went from 1 acre to 1/4 of an acre. But this was the only house that met all of Mom's 'must have's', and she didn't really care that dad had to crawl up the stairs. She also adopted a 1 year old cat about 3 months before she had a stroke - now the cat lives with me, because she's in assisted living, talking about how she wants a kitten. Narcissistic moms - everything is about what they want, nothing else ever matters, and everyone has to go along with what they want or there is hell to pay.... My armchair diagnosis of FIL puts him in this category. It's frustrating as all get out, but what kills me is that everyone does go along with it. I dread the day that their health deteriorates to the point that they need help. I'm not sure there is enough wine in the world for me to keep my thoughts to myself if that happens. It always frustrated me to no end that my dad tolerated my mom's bad behavior. Everything she wanted he did what he could, within his power, to make happen for her. All the times she would sit there and complain about him, about the 3 oldest kids, about how everyone in the family was failing to do exactly what she wanted them to do, he just sat there stone faced and said nothing. Then one day when I was a teenager mom and I were arguing about something Mom insisted I had to do that I didn't want to do (story of my teenage years) and my dad took me to the side and said "Life is just easier if let her have her way, and it's no skin off your nose to give in to her." And I realized that the poor man spent 53 year of his adult life just trying to find some peace in his life by letting her always have her own way, all the time, on everything she wanted, in the hopes that she would be happy, because he didn't understand that narcissicts are never happy.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 16, 2014 10:14:44 GMT -5
So true happyhoix. They actually seem to get off making people miserable. I have a very hard time wrapping my head around that. There's no doubt in my mind that we could find homes for the two boy dogs. Since I haven't met the "new" dog I don't know really how bad she is. I'm relying on DH's assessment. What I find so strange about the O.P. is that MIL didn't interrogate Pond guy the way she interrogated us when we said we would take care of the dogs when we were cleaning up her Trust docs over a year ago. I'm not kidding; she wanted to know what yard they would be in, whether they would live in the house et cetera. Fortunately I HAD had this very same discussion with DH and I was prepared for the interrogation.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 16, 2014 10:16:11 GMT -5
My armchair diagnosis of FIL puts him in this category. It's frustrating as all get out, but what kills me is that everyone does go along with it. I dread the day that their health deteriorates to the point that they need help. I'm not sure there is enough wine in the world for me to keep my thoughts to myself if that happens. It always frustrated me to no end that my dad tolerated my mom's bad behavior. Everything she wanted he did what he could, within his power, to make happen for her. All the times she would sit there and complain about him, about the 3 oldest kids, about how everyone in the family was failing to do exactly what she wanted them to do, he just sat there stone faced and said nothing. Then one day when I was a teenager mom and I were arguing about something Mom insisted I had to do that I didn't want to do (story of my teenage years) and my dad took me to the side and said "Life is just easier if let her have her way, and it's no skin off your nose to give in to her." And I realized that the poor man spent 53 year of his adult life just trying to find some peace in his life by letting her always have her own way, all the time, on everything she wanted, in the hopes that she would be happy, because he didn't understand that narcissicts are never happy. That's a shame. It's too bad he didn't move on and make some happiness for himself.
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