genericname
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Post by genericname on Oct 7, 2014 9:13:07 GMT -5
Yes I would want my husband to remarry if that is what he wants to do if I were to die. Given that he didn't get married until he was 40 and now at 49 has 2 very little kids, he probably wouldn't do it. A far more likely scenario would be that his brother would move in to help take care of the kids, the property everything. Plus I would want BIL to help DH manage the finances. With our retirement and my life insurance, I could see DH having trouble managing that amount of money. BIL is pretty savvy financially (in an I don't want to work, so I'm going to be as frugal as possible sort of way). He could hopefully help DH navigate through it all. If DH dies, I'm moving (slightly off topic). We can't take care of the house and 10 acres with the 2 of us and 2 kids. No way could I do it by myself. I'll give us a couple years to get use to being the 3 of us and then I will move up near my brother and only buy a house with less than an acre to take care of. Preferably in a town where my kids could walk to school (once they get that age). (For the record, I sort of have the town in mind that I would move too .... actually when my MIL dies, I think I would start trying to convince DH that we need to move up there after she dies. If I found somebody that I was compatible with, then I would get remarried. If we get divorced, hell no I would not want DH to remarry. Hello, are you our Dopplegangers? We married when DH was 41, and now at 46 he has a 4 year old and a soon to be 1 year old! I'm in the BSB camp: marriage is not for me. I love DH, but I get annoyed with the mountain of household stuff that needs to be done with so many people in the house. Sure we split labor, but it just gets annoying sometimes. I don't think I would want to mess around with dating if we were to divorce or he passed before I do. Not having a crystal ball, though, I can't say no for sure. Who knows if a wonderful person would come along or not? I don't think DH would remarry, it took long enough for us to marry that he wouldn't have time for that shit with the kids around. His mother was totally floored that he even got married...and when the kids came along I thought she was going to have a heart attack with joy. He's a GREAT father. I don't think it would even cross his mind to date with 2 young kids at home. I would not mind if he did, whether we divorced or I passed. I'm confident he would put the children first no matter what.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 7, 2014 9:18:04 GMT -5
This is obviously a spinoff of the "backup husband" thread but I think it's an interesting question. If you died, would you want your spouse to marry again? How about if you got divorced? If I died anytime soon (knock on wood) I would kind of want DH to marry again if he happened to find someone he loved who would be a good mother to our daughter while she was still young enough to get used to a "new mommy." Which would be a pretty tall order. And if she were older and that was no longer a concern, it would be all about his happiness. We're 28 and 31, I wouldn't want him to spend the next 50 years alone if I went before my time. If we got divorced, my only thing is that I wouldn't want a constant parade of parental figures in my kid's life - a standard to which I would also hold myself. If I went on a casual date now and then, he wouldn't be meeting my kid. (This would also apply if I died, only I wouldn't be around to remind him Thankfully, we're on the same page about this part.) Whatever you want - he'll do what he wants so. I do not see point in 'wanting' him to do anything
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 7, 2014 9:27:10 GMT -5
We can add to this that I generally think that marriage is an aspirational bill of goods sold to women, despite the fact that study after study has shown that men are better off after marriage and women are worse off. I may date, I might even have a long-term partner, but I couldn't see getting married again unless there was lots and lots and lots of cash involved.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 7, 2014 10:24:00 GMT -5
If he starts dating in the foreseeable future, it's going to come at the expense of our kids. That's where he spends most of his time.
I agree!
This is why I'm always mystified when I hear about people with young kids having affairs. Where in the world do they find the time?! I guess if it's a coworker you can sneak off for a lunchtime quickie but if DH or I started disappearing randomly on weekends or during the evenings, it would be VERY weird and have a very negative effect on our marriage even before the other person found out the reason.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 8, 2014 11:35:15 GMT -5
BSB said it best--marriage is not for me. Well, I like you. But then again, we are not married (at least not to each other ). It's kind of interesting to me how many of us say "sure, I want him to be happy but *I* wouldn't want to remarry." There's nothing wrong with it - I'm in that boat myself - but it's funny to me. What makes you think your DH would be interested in marrying again either? I think its mostly the women who are saying they wouldn't want to remarry. My guess is that the benefits of marriage are weighted towards men.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Oct 8, 2014 11:37:51 GMT -5
BSB said it best--marriage is not for me. Well, I like you. But then again, we are not married (at least not to each other ). It's kind of interesting to me how many of us say "sure, I want him to be happy but *I* wouldn't want to remarry." There's nothing wrong with it - I'm in that boat myself - but it's funny to me. What makes you think your DH would be interested in marrying again either? I think its mostly the women who are saying they wouldn't want to remarry. My guess is that the benefits of marriage are weighted towards men. Then why is it women who are always the ones pressing the get married? Maybe the benefits of a wedding are weighted towards women and the benefits of marriage are weighted towards men. Never thought about that before.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 8, 2014 11:38:39 GMT -5
I think its mostly the women who are saying they wouldn't want to remarry. My guess is that the benefits of marriage are weighted towards men.
Study after study confirms this - marriage is good for men and bad for women. Which makes you wonder why so many women want to be married!
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 8, 2014 12:01:36 GMT -5
Because you're young, dumb and it's kind of a status symbol. It's like how you don't want to be the only one in your group without a boyfriend. Well, then for some it's a race to get married. You get a little older and wonder what the hell you were thinking. I'm saying this as the one in the group who was last to have a boyfriend and the only one not divorced
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 8, 2014 12:12:29 GMT -5
Agreed. I've often gotten the impression that many women want to be married partially to prove to the world that someone loved them enough to marry.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 8, 2014 12:19:40 GMT -5
Again - aspirational bill of goods. Marriage is a patriarchal institution used primarily as a way to facilitate property transfer. If young women today understood the fact that marriage will make them less equal and more unhappy, I think as a whole there would be a lot fewer willing to engage in it.
But everyone still sells it. Religion sells it, government sells it, wedding magazines and bride-as-fairytale-princess bullshit sells it.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Oct 8, 2014 12:22:34 GMT -5
Again - aspirational bill of goods. Marriage is a patriarchal institution used primarily as a way to facilitate property transfer. If young women today understood the fact that marriage will make them less equal and more unhappy, I think as a whole there would be a lot fewer willing to engage in it.
But everyone still sells it. Religion sells it, government sells it, wedding magazines and bride-as-fairytale-princess bullshit sells it. Maybe it is natures way of making sure homo sapiens create a bond, which seems to be for the best for society. Without this pressure on females to want to have a wedding, males would never get married. And if women realized that they get the short end of the stick in marriage they would never married. But marriage is good. So perhaps this is just natures way.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 8, 2014 12:30:43 GMT -5
Again - aspirational bill of goods. Marriage is a patriarchal institution used primarily as a way to facilitate property transfer. If young women today understood the fact that marriage will make them less equal and more unhappy, I think as a whole there would be a lot fewer willing to engage in it.
But everyone still sells it. Religion sells it, government sells it, wedding magazines and bride-as-fairytale-princess bullshit sells it. Maybe it is natures way of making sure homo sapiens create a bond, which seems to be for the best for society. Without this pressure on females to want to have a wedding, males would never get married. And if women realized that they get the short end of the stick in marriage they would never married. But marriage is good. So perhaps this is just natures way. Marriage is only a societal good in a capitalist society as a means to codify property. That's not nature, that's society. Like other creatures, homo sapiens actually seem to gravitate towards multiple loves in sequence - fall in love, have a baby, break up, fall in love, have a baby, break up. This is viewed as a bad thing in modern society - think of the children, upheaval, etc. However in societies where this is the norm, it's not disruptive to kids to see this behavior. The nuclear family model is not some objective better state than another model, it's just the model we happen have normalized.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 8, 2014 12:32:52 GMT -5
I'm not against marriage, I was just trying to answer archie's question of why it's usually the woman pushing to get married, I think a lot the time it's just the next thing you're supposed to do and you're considered a "success" by checking that one off. Then we all get older, wiser, opinions change, etc.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Oct 8, 2014 12:35:24 GMT -5
If I were to die, my SO would have the support of all our friends and family. He would likely be okay without a wife, so I wouldn’t really worry either way.
If we were to divorce, assuming we get married, and have children, as long as it’s not an affair partner, he would probably be better off remarried. I’ve observed too many exes turn into raging dick bags without a new partner to prop them up.
My current ex, I couldn’t care less if he remarries. We didn’t have children so I don’t have to deal with him.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Oct 8, 2014 12:38:00 GMT -5
Maybe it is natures way of making sure homo sapiens create a bond, which seems to be for the best for society. Without this pressure on females to want to have a wedding, males would never get married. And if women realized that they get the short end of the stick in marriage they would never married. But marriage is good. So perhaps this is just natures way. Marriage is only a societal good in a capitalist society as a means to codify property. That's not nature, that's society. Like other creatures, homo sapiens actually seem to gravitate towards multiple loves in sequence - fall in love, have a baby, break up, fall in love, have a baby, break up. This is viewed as a bad thing in modern society - think of the children, upheaval, etc. However in societies where this is the norm, it's not disruptive to kids to see this behavior. The nuclear family model is not some objective better state than another model, it's just the model we happen have normalized. maybe nature is sneaky and it just seems like it is a societal institution, but nature put the bug in our ears to create the institution.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Oct 8, 2014 12:47:33 GMT -5
Think about it. In general:
Men would never get married, but over time they are happy they did.
Women want to get married, but over time they are unhappy that they did.
If humans were logical, no one would ever get married, yet more than 50% of adults are married in the US. There has got to be a reason and that reason is Mother Nature is a sly old woman who pulls our puppet strings to get her way.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Oct 8, 2014 12:54:41 GMT -5
I think its mostly the women who are saying they wouldn't want to remarry. My guess is that the benefits of marriage are weighted towards men.
Study after study confirms this - marriage is good for men and bad for women. Which makes you wonder why so many women want to be married! I think the lopsided benefits start well before marriage. Then the idea becomes insurance. If I’m going to give up xyz to be in this relationship, how will I be protected if it ends? The better approach would probably be not to sacrifice yourself for another, but the power of two working together is quite alluring.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 8, 2014 12:57:34 GMT -5
Well thinking about it seriously, even after our non-sleeping kids, I'm still happier married to my DH than I would be without him. However, I don't think my life would be meaningless and in shambles the other way either. Hopefully we have whatever it takes to keep being happy.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 8, 2014 13:38:04 GMT -5
I don't feel like I can blame marriage for my current frustrations. I didn't want to get married (although my parents expectations did push me into a ceremony that I didn't feel was necessary). I tried my best to use the legal system for my benefit and that included getting the official piece of paper.
I think I can blame all of my issues on being young and dumb, unfortunately the dumb lasted a lot longer than the young part. I don't want to undo my relationship with dh, but I would like to set healthy boundaries on day 1, instead of day 6,205.
I admire people who make blended families work, but I don't want to try it. From a financial and convenience standpoint, marriage seems like the easiest way to raise kids--assuming you can get through it without smothering your spouse in their sleep. But monogamy doesn't seem natural to me, and certainly spending decades living with someone is bound to have issues. People and circumstances change and regardless of how much you love each other, you never know when those changes could be big enough to make one or both spouses decide its time to move on.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 8, 2014 14:47:56 GMT -5
All the comments about marriage being a raw deal makes me sad. Both my husband and I are better off because we are married. We have less work individually because we work together (well more work than when we were single because we added kids to the mix which has created way more work). I feel like our marriage has worked out very well for both of us.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 8, 2014 14:59:21 GMT -5
I think I can blame all of my issues on being young and dumb, unfortunately the dumb lasted a lot longer than the young part. I don't want to undo my relationship with dh, but I would like to set healthy boundaries on day 1, instead of day 6,205.
I feel for you. Anyone who can make a relationship work that started in high school (or middle school - hi midjd!) has all my respect. Who thinks of setting healthy relationship boundaries at 17?? I sure didn't. I'm positive that my high school sweetheart and I would have split within a couple of years if we'd gotten married, which we considered. Did you guys ever split up and date other people or has it always been just you?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 8, 2014 15:03:10 GMT -5
All the comments about marriage being a raw deal makes me sad. Both my husband and I are better off because we are married.
Don't get me wrong - I love being married to DH. All the benefits of our relationship definitely outweigh the perks of being single. My life is so much better with him as my partner, especially since I'm so introverted. He balances me better than I can imagine anyone else doing, and overall my life is much happier for it.
I would probably be in a better place financially if I were single, but that's about it. And I certainly wouldn't trade my years with DH for any amount of money.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 8, 2014 15:44:57 GMT -5
I think I can blame all of my issues on being young and dumb, unfortunately the dumb lasted a lot longer than the young part. I don't want to undo my relationship with dh, but I would like to set healthy boundaries on day 1, instead of day 6,205.
I feel for you. Anyone who can make a relationship work that started in high school (or middle school - hi midjd!) has all my respect. Who thinks of setting healthy relationship boundaries at 17?? I sure didn't. I'm positive that my high school sweetheart and I would have split within a couple of years if we'd gotten married, which we considered. Did you guys ever split up and date other people or has it always been just you? No break-ups for us, but dh had already managed a lifetime of "dating" before me. I think the changes between high school and 30's are intense, but I'm curious if those are based more on life experiences than age. Having kids changed me and changed dh and I's relationship. I expect that the death and/or declining health of my parents and in-laws will have a big impact on us and potentially change our relationship again. I know there are people who spend 50-70 years together and its all bliss, but most couples seem to have at least 1 rough patch that they stuck it out for whatever reason and hopefully come out of. My parents got to 30 years before ever struggling.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 8, 2014 16:04:43 GMT -5
I think the changes between high school and 30's are intense, but I'm curious if those are based more on life experiences than age.
I can only speak for myself, and my marriage hasn't lasted anywhere near as long as yours (5 years together, 3 married). Just for me, though, I'm really happy that DH and I didn't get together until I was 24 because 20-23 was the most intense time of personal change I've ever experienced. Even the transition to motherhood wasn't such an intense, life-rocking period.
24 is still on the young side (at least I think so) but I really can't imagine that there will ever be another time when who I am as a person changes that much, that fast. I don't think any relationship of mine could have survived that period - which is why it's fortunate that we didn't get together at 18/21 when we first met. It really made me wonder how anyone could make a teenage marriage work.
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