sesfw
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Today is the first day of the rest of my life
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Post by sesfw on Oct 6, 2014 13:15:00 GMT -5
I hope you guys have many more years of happiness together
Thank you. Thirteen years and counting. Now if we can just get our health issues resolved.
DHs sons have finally decided I'm not going anywhere. They still don't like me but we are in AZ again and don't bother me.
Occasionally you hear about a new spouse asking the widowed spouse to take down pictures of their first spouse, or not to talk about the first spouse...
This happens more if the widowed person marries a 'not widowed' person. A grass widow or never married doesn't understand the tie that binds.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 6, 2014 13:28:48 GMT -5
My 2nd husband was a widower. He didn't have many mementos of his first wife around, although there were some. We just eventually put them away. He's kept what he's wanted to keep of hers. We also talk about her when he feels like it, or when I wonder something about her. He's heard enough about my ex, as well as being in court with me when the ex took me back to court two years after our divorce ( ! ), so why shouldn't he be able to talk about his deceased wife ? He lost her very young, so he still has sadness that he couldn't persuade her to get the medical care that she needed, because she refused to go to doctors. She didn't "believe" in them.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Oct 6, 2014 13:40:49 GMT -5
As long as wife number 2 is good to my children, I'd be happy for my husband to remarry. My mother was only 48 when she died of breast cancer, leaving my Dad a widower at 50. I know he was very lonely and then he met his second wife and wasn't lonely anymore. She was also a widow with 2 grown children and she has been very kind to my sister, to me and to our husbands and children - and takes excellent care of my grandmother. I have never understood why children are resentful of their parents remarrying. Why would you want someone you care about to be lonely? As far as money or inheritance - I didn't earn it and it does not belong to me.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 6, 2014 13:41:27 GMT -5
If it made your husband or wife happy to be married to you, why not allow him or her to continue to be happy after your passing? You might not want him to be lonely the rest of their lives. Besides, with death of a spouse, the deceased spouse is always going to be carried in the heart of the surviving spouse.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Oct 6, 2014 13:42:58 GMT -5
I would prefer my DH not to marry until the last one is in HS. If I die, any time spent in growing a new relationship will come at the expense of my children. I also know some people are awesome at making blended families work. I just haven't seen enough examples of that to be confident that the norm is you make blended families work and there's no issues, and everyone coparents with the best interest of the children first. If Dh and I divorce. I have no desire to date. 1) Investing in a relationship has the potential to take time away from my kids, 2) I'm not attractive enough and 3) with three kids, my life is complicated enough. I don't really need to invite more complication into my life. If DH dies. It's the same as above. One can have companionship without being married. I do believe the term when I was in my twenties was "Friends with benefits." As you get older, the term becomes "Special Lady Friend." ETA: But my husband can take care of himself and knows how to run a household. That is so sad - you shouldn't feel that way about yourself. Very few people in this world are truly beautiful but most have some qualities of attractiveness that are appealing.
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Oct 6, 2014 13:45:53 GMT -5
Well, speaking as a "kid" whose Dad did remarry at age 73 after my mom died, I'm so thankful he has found love. Yes, it probably means that I will receive little to no inheritance, but my Dad is happy, healthy and truly living -- and that is worth way more than his inheritance.
My mom and dad worked hard and saved to have a comfortable and fun retirement. My mom unexpectedly died at age 64. At times I thought my dad was going to die of loneliness, and it was just so hard to see him so sad and broken.
His wife has brought him so much happiness, health, and life -- he turned 80 in May, and they just returned from Cancun. They travel, have a great relationship, wonderful friends, a wonderful life. He talked her in to retiring when she was 68 and promised her she would be financially set for life. That means that the bulk (if not all) of his portfolio will go to her if he predeceases her.
I'm okay with that. If he would have stayed lonely and miserable, I may have inherited quite a bit. But seeing him happy is worth so much more.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 6, 2014 14:41:23 GMT -5
Yes, I'd like him to remarry but I definitely worry about finding someone who would 1) love my kids and 2) not interfere with my families involvement with them, 3)not squander my life insurance money. Dh has never been single. We've been together since we were very young, so its not fair to judge a 35 year old based on his 17 year old self, but there is a reason I used to joke that I expected him to be getting dates at my funeral. He is a good dad, so its not like he'd neglect the kids, but I can see family time being outings with whoever he was dating at the time and that bugs me too. He chose me for goodness sake--practically proof that his "picker" is broken.
I've already established that I can't die, at least until my youngest is about 16.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 6, 2014 14:47:16 GMT -5
He chose me for goodness sake--practically proof that his "picker" is broken.
What are you talking about, rae? You're awesome!!!
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 6, 2014 14:50:26 GMT -5
I would want him to remarry, hopefully to someone nicer than me. I do worry about finding someone who loves my kid(s) though - someone who will be a good stepparent, rather than an evil one. (Note that I'm not asking for perfection because lord knows I'm not perfect either.)
If he died, I doubt I'd ever get married again. I love my husband, but marriage is not for me...
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 6, 2014 15:12:26 GMT -5
He chose me for goodness sake--practically proof that his "picker" is broken.
What are you talking about, rae? You're awesome!!! I am awesome! I'm not an awesome spouse though, at least not lately. In my defense I don't think dh is a great spouse either--hence the concern about who he might end up with. BSB said it best--marriage is not for me.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Oct 6, 2014 15:16:15 GMT -5
My dad died when my mom was 38-ish. She didn't even date for at least a year, which I think for my sisters and me was good. It gave everyone time to accept things. After a few years, though, I wished she'd remarry for her sake. I guess I thought she was lonely. Now that I'm older I realize my dad was the love of her life and she didn't want to marry again or even date really, and I think she compared everyone to my dad and found them lacking, so it wouldn't have worked well anyway.
I'm divorced, my ex just remarried, and I'm firmly in the 'I hope he's poor, unhappy, and his dick falls off' camp. His new wife is ok, I think, but he moved her in the day after I moved out, which really screwed with the kids. Telling them to call her 'mom' right after meeting her didn't help either. I think she's probably nice enough to the boys most of the time, but she and the ex fight a lot (apparently) and she's very opinionated (so I hear). It's not making for a very calm environment. Nothing I can do about it, but I wish he'd waited a bit or chose someone less apt to yell at them, just to make it easier for the kids.
Also, like others said, if something happens to the ex, I'm sure she'll get everything, since I doubt he thought to protect the boys in any way. That makes me kind of sad for them.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 6, 2014 16:11:10 GMT -5
My father died suddenly at 52 (massive heart attack), leaving my mother widowed at 53. She went on and built a really good life for herself (she's now 91 and considerably slowed down, but otherwise still living independently and doing fine), but I know she's been lonely for companionship all these years. I wish she would have married again, money be damned - I would have liked to see her happier. But that ship has truly sailed.
If I were to kick the bucket, I would want DH to suit himself. He tends to be a little bit of a loner by nature, however, so I really don't know if he would make the effort to find someone. I'll be dead so I won't care .
As far as money goes - it would be hard (but of course not impossible) for a gold digger to take over. Like me, he's pretty conservative financially, and unless he becomes medically demented/incompetent I can't see him throwing all our arrangements out the window. Our financial lives are contained in a Family Trust, with the surviving spouse as successor trustee. Unless he (or I, for that matter) were to undo that Trust (by deliberate choice or by inadvertently comingling assets with someone new), any future spouse (for either of us) would only be entitled to assets earned/gained post-marriage. Not much incentive for a gold digger of either gender.
Money from my side of the family is also in a Trust (a second, separate one) that not even he has access to (I've been really diligent about keeping it separate). He knows this and agrees with it; he has family who would not be above trying to get their hands on it, and I fully intend for it to pass down "my" side of the family like my fore bearers intended and stated in their Trust documents. He "benefits" from dollars I choose to take out for me and choose spend on something for "us" (vacations, etc), but he will never be named as an administrator or beneficiary. And he's okay with that. He would not want "his" family money passing to my side either - or worse yet, family money with which we are both entrusted to pass out of the family to "strangers" - second spouses and their kids/families who have nothing to do with/are not related to the people who earned this money and set it aside for future generations/descendants.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Oct 6, 2014 17:01:01 GMT -5
Well looking at it from a different direction Would you want to marry someone whose wife had died but was clearly still No1 in his life....... whose kids may be hostile to you and whose family think you only want him for money?? Doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. You would resign yourself to being an outsider....convenient but always second best. Sorry... but I'd want my own husband
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Oct 6, 2014 17:05:00 GMT -5
I showed the question and my answer to DH. LOL, he claims he'd never marry again...he's learned his lesson. And that he has further proof that I'm a vindictive bitch.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 6, 2014 18:01:20 GMT -5
BSB said it best--marriage is not for me. Well, I like you. But then again, we are not married (at least not to each other ). It's kind of interesting to me how many of us say "sure, I want him to be happy but *I* wouldn't want to remarry." There's nothing wrong with it - I'm in that boat myself - but it's funny to me. What makes you think your DH would be interested in marrying again either?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 6, 2014 18:04:45 GMT -5
His new wife is ok, I think, but he moved her in the day after I moved out, which really screwed with the kids. Telling them to call her 'mom' right after meeting her didn't help either. To me, that's a pretty good indication that someone is a shitty, shitty stepparent. One of my best friends became a stepmom to four kids last year (ranging in age from about 8 to about 19). They adore her - partially, I believe, because she's never tried to take the place of their mom even when she was being a giant fuckup. She just is who she is, offers what she offers, and she's freaking amazing with those kids. I couldn't do it and I had serious reservations about how quickly her DH let her move in with him and those young kids (not because she's not awesome, but because I think that's a bad idea before you know for sure the relationship is going to stick) but I've got to hand it to her. They really seem to love and respect her tremendously.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 6, 2014 21:01:46 GMT -5
My mother passed away in May at age 90. She and dad had been married over 66 years. About a month ago, dad started talking about a widow where he lives all the time. Last week, he decided that DS and I are trying to fix him up with another lady where he lives and that is not true. He will not believe us. He said neither one of us would like it if he had a friend. We have each told him we would not care. Then he starts to talk about the widow he has been talking about non-stop and how nice she is.
It would be complicated financially if they got together. Religions are different in a town where religion defines your status. She also most likely has a lot more money that dad. She would probably be in better shape if she kept her own apartment because she appears younger than dad to me.
My mother's baby brother moved in with his friend just before mom passed away. Mom was thrilled for him. Dad thinks it is great. They are not marrying because "she has too much to lose". He inherited his daughter's house when she died very suddenly last December. From what I can tell, his daughter is okay with it, but his son isn't.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Oct 6, 2014 21:30:28 GMT -5
Wow, sesfw!! What a wonderful love story I especially love how you guys met in a grief recovery chat room and so talking about your first spouses feels really natural to you. Occasionally you hear about a new spouse asking the widowed spouse to take down pictures of their first spouse, or not to talk about the first spouse... and that's really heartbreaking. I'm glad that didn't happen to you. I hope you guys have many more years of happiness together That was my brother. His wife and mother of his children died of liver cancer. He met his current love at grief counseling meetings (She'd lost her husband).
They became friends first - and remained living apart for a few years, since they each had kids still living at home and it was just easier that way.. They were a couple in every sense of the word, but it was only 6 yrs ago that she finally sold her place and moved into his home as his partner. They haven't married, and don't plan to anytime in the future, as far as I know - but they are living as a married couple with grown kids.
It works for them.
My DH passed away a couple of years ago - and though I've gone out with some close male friends since, I don't really know if I'd marry again. I would be open to an arrangement like my brother has.
If I had predeceased my DH, I wouldn't have any say in whether or not he'd married someone else, but it wouldn't make any difference. And if we'd gotten divorced, it wouldn't have made any difference either, since we didn't have children.
As long as he paid me a ton of alimony - since it would have been his fault.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 6, 2014 21:43:46 GMT -5
BSB said it best--marriage is not for me. Well, I like you. But then again, we are not married (at least not to each other ). It's kind of interesting to me how many of us say "sure, I want him to be happy but *I* wouldn't want to remarry." There's nothing wrong with it - I'm in that boat myself - but it's funny to me. What makes you think your DH would be interested in marrying again either? I think for me, it's that my DH would be lonely without someone to share all the little things with. Also, while I think he would step up in a lot.of ways, it would be very hard for him to manage kids and house alone. I could get a yard service and occasional handyman and manage quite well. He would need a personal assistant, accountant and part-time nanny to.replace the things I manage behind the scenes. I'm not sure he's capable of handling all that on his own. And he couldn't hire it all out without my salary as I make 2/3 of our income.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2014 21:44:52 GMT -5
I would prefer my DH not to marry until the last one is in HS. If I die, any time spent in growing a new relationship will come at the expense of my children. I divorced when DS was 12. I started dating for myself, not to find him a stepfather, but I found someone who was wonderful for us both. DS would not be the wonderful young man he is without DH's influence. I'm convinced that my finding a new relationship also left DS free to pursue his own life and not feel he needed to hang around and prop up Mom. So , dating certainly can benefit the kids.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 6, 2014 21:47:29 GMT -5
(Yes, unlike most of America I'm insured, but that wouldn't replace my income forever and support a Whole bunch of new employees.)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2014 21:51:04 GMT -5
Dh and I have discussed this, and we both agree that neither of us would ever want to remarry if we lost one another. We plan on going together like Noah and Allie Calhoun, aka The Notebook. Lol! We've been married 16 yrs., I'm 57, he's 50 and ours is a second marriage for both of us.
My Father suddenly became a widower when my Mother passed when she was 43. Their story mimicked the timeline of The Notebook, too. (another reason it's one of my faves) They met right before he shipped off to serve in the war, and she waited 4 yrs. for him, praying he'd return. (..being a sailor he only made it back home a few times before the war ended.) They made up for lost time apparently, having 6 kids in the (one month short) of the 20 yrs. they were together. At the time she passed, we ranged in ages from 2-18 yrs. He remarried twice after that, once for 5 yrs., the next for 10, but neither lasted.
...dh and I joke but really would like to go together, because we know neither will ever be with another....like he says, there's just too much history between us. I know our special love can't be replaced. An example: from day one we've had this uncanny ability to think of the exact same (related or unrelated to current topic)thing and one says it, and the other is dumbfounded. It's happened so much that at this point, we just think we're the same person sharing two different bodies, lol..
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Oct 6, 2014 22:27:47 GMT -5
I don't believe in soul mates. Hell, I don't even believe that my husband and I are even the best possible suited partners for each other. So if I was to die, I would want him to marry someone who would be better suited for him. I have talked about my marital problems before, and while I don't think that our marriage is dead. I truly believe that it would be better if each of us were slightly different (or other people). Since neither of us are looking, we're going to work it out. Even though I would want him to marry, I would want him to wait a respectable year. For the sake of the children, and for him to sort his emotions out. If he was to die first, I wouldn't marry. Another poster said that they weren't attractive enough, and I think that at this point in my life, I wouldn't be a catch (in the looks department). And I am also a middle aged woman with two young kids. It's the truth that I wouldn't exactly be a hot commodity on the dating scene. Too much baggage and stretch marks!
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Oct 7, 2014 0:20:22 GMT -5
I don't believe in soul mates either, and I have been absolutely happily married for almost 40 years.
I would miss my DH terribly, and DH would be devastated if he lost me.
But I believe there would be room to love again if the right person came along.
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quince
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Post by quince on Oct 7, 2014 0:37:00 GMT -5
I would want my spouse to remarry. I trust his judgement and that he would put our child first. He's too good a partner to be left single.
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Oct 7, 2014 1:26:46 GMT -5
My dad died when I was 14, mom was in her early 40s. With 4 kids aged 12 to 19 I don't think anyone expected her to do anything except keep afloat, but she did try to date once at the insistence of my grandmother 4 years after his death. Turned out the "great guy" grandma set her up with was a total loser. He tried to set up his friend with my sister and made some comment about her boobs to my mom and that was the last we ever saw of him. She never tried to date again, but as I grew up I became aware that mom had a lot of baggage of her own.
If something happened to DH now (we are only 32 with no kids) I am sure I would eventually date again, but I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone that had kids. Too likely in my opinion that there would be drama, and it just seems like too much work. I understand that the older I get the more likely I would end up dating someone with kids. I don't think I'd have issues getting dates, but I do think it gets harder to find a quality person as you get older because the pool of available people gets smaller and smaller so the ratio of duds goes up.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 7, 2014 6:36:40 GMT -5
I would prefer my DH not to marry until the last one is in HS. If I die, any time spent in growing a new relationship will come at the expense of my children. I divorced when DS was 12. I started dating for myself, not to find him a stepfather, but I found someone who was wonderful for us both. DS would not be the wonderful young man he is without DH's influence. I'm convinced that my finding a new relationship also left DS free to pursue his own life and not feel he needed to hang around and prop up Mom. So , dating certainly can benefit the kids. 12, I can see. IMVHO, it's different than having three kids ages 10-2. Hands down, my 2 year old is not as independent as my 10 year old. And, I can usually leave my 10 year old unmonitored for more than 15 or 20 minutes without him getting into trouble. With two kids in school (5th and 1st grade), running around to activities, and having that toddler, my DH is needing me to pitch in more. I've actually cooked a few meals, and I've been shuttling kids around a little more since I'm not teaching as much. We've had to hire our lawn being done a few times, because between illness and kid responsibilities, he hasn't been able to get to it. My DH is toast by 9 pm every night. That's when he goes to bed. The kids go to bed between 7 and 8:30. He doesn't really go out with friends. If he starts dating in the foreseeable future, it's going to come at the expense of our kids. That's where he spends most of his time. And, frankly, the same could be said for me. If I'm not working, I'm dealing with kids. My only options for pursuing a new relationship is to either reduce my work more or to reduce my involvement with my kids. I think it's great that you were able to find someone that was wonderful for the both of you. Obviously it worked really well for you.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 7, 2014 6:48:52 GMT -5
If Dh and I divorce. I have no desire to date. 1) Investing in a relationship has the potential to take time away from my kids, 2) I'm not attractive enough and 3) with three kids, my life is complicated enough. I don't really need to invite more complication into my life. If DH dies. It's the same as above. That is so sad - you shouldn't feel that way about yourself. Very few people in this world are truly beautiful but most have some qualities of attractiveness that are appealing. It's not sad, it's the truth. There are no cutsie t-shirts for women to wear when they are loosing their hair. There's no "I'm bald and sexy" shirts for women or "It's not a bald spot is a solar energy panel because I'm a sex machine" t-shirt. Women with thinning hair do not look "distinguished." I'm also really overweight. The hard truth is MOST men aged 30-40 don't find morbidly obese women who are loosing their hair to be be attractive. Yes, I know it happens. But, it's not the norm. Couple that with the fact that I have kids and fertility issues, my ability of being a catch got much smaller. Goodness, even the mom's at my kids' school think less of my because of my weight. When I was pregnant with my 3rd, my 2nd grader had a very thin teacher who had been losing weight. One of the moms (who often confused me with another fat mom even though there was no reason to) complained about how big she was compared to the teacher. I couldn't believe how insensitive she was, considering I was 7 or 8 months pregnant when she was complaining to me.. I'm not foolish enough to think that my smile (my most commented feature), sense of humor and big boobs are enough for people to look past my other "flaws."
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 7, 2014 8:37:34 GMT -5
Yes I would want my husband to remarry if that is what he wants to do if I were to die. Given that he didn't get married until he was 40 and now at 49 has 2 very little kids, he probably wouldn't do it. A far more likely scenario would be that his brother would move in to help take care of the kids, the property everything. Plus I would want BIL to help DH manage the finances. With our retirement and my life insurance, I could see DH having trouble managing that amount of money. BIL is pretty savvy financially (in an I don't want to work, so I'm going to be as frugal as possible sort of way). He could hopefully help DH navigate through it all.
If DH dies, I'm moving (slightly off topic). We can't take care of the house and 10 acres with the 2 of us and 2 kids. No way could I do it by myself. I'll give us a couple years to get use to being the 3 of us and then I will move up near my brother and only buy a house with less than an acre to take care of. Preferably in a town where my kids could walk to school (once they get that age). (For the record, I sort of have the town in mind that I would move too .... actually when my MIL dies, I think I would start trying to convince DH that we need to move up there after she dies. If I found somebody that I was compatible with, then I would get remarried.
If we get divorced, hell no I would not want DH to remarry.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Oct 7, 2014 9:02:49 GMT -5
Giramomma - I don't know if you have noticed but there is a running theme throughout your posts that make readers think you don't spend any time taking care of yourself. You appear to work multiple jobs, volunteer extensively both for your own children and for others and are constantly on guard against your husband experiencing a re-lapse. I have no knowledge, obviously, of your medical history but I'm sure all the stresses in your life cannot help but exacerbate your obesity and hair loss. Perhaps you could consider carving out some time to address your own physical and emotional needs, not to become more attractive to men but simply to become more attractive to yourself.
I wish you the best.
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