backontrack
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Post by backontrack on Sept 29, 2014 15:21:41 GMT -5
I didn't think I would end up in this so called Sandwich Generation. My mom is in her mid sixties (dad passed away two years ago) and my kids are in elementary school. My mom is caring for *her* mother (my grandma). Well, my mom broke her ankle. In a bad enough way that required surgery. I knew it would take her longer than she thought to be back to normal, but six weeks later she is still "down" - very limited mobility, can't drive, re-occurring infections, etc. And keep in mind she is staying with and trying to keep her mom going.
I feel freaking useless! During this same 6 week period we have had our house on the market, moved, lived with my in laws for two weeks, moved into our new house, I am in the midst of a "promotion" (3 days left for the boss retires), DH has gone back to work fulltime (after a 5 year period as a SAHD) and the kids have gone back to school after summer break. I think my siblings are about to disown me because I am not able to help much. They don't have kids and live within ten minutes (versus my 45) to mom and grandma, so they end up doing everything themselves. They are both sick at the moment, so I am trying to figure out how to get down there to help. sigh
Have others here gone through this? I feel like the best way I could help is with paying for a service (house keeper, meals, etc) but no one will actually let me do that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2014 15:41:11 GMT -5
You help the way you can, and if paying for help is the way you can help, that's what you do. If they don't take your offer, that is on them, I think.
You could also offer to help pay for something to treat your siblings/help make their lives easier because they are doing more of the grunt stuff.
Sometimes you you have to just not take no for an answer.
Also acknowledge the discrepancy, but that is just the way logistics work out and you want to do what you can.
In general sorry things are so stressful and hope they calm down soon.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Sept 29, 2014 15:44:49 GMT -5
I didn't think I would end up in this so called Sandwich Generation. My mom is in her mid sixties (dad passed away two years ago) and my kids are in elementary school. My mom is caring for *her* mother (my grandma). Well, my mom broke her ankle. In a bad enough way that required surgery. I knew it would take her longer than she thought to be back to normal, but six weeks later she is still "down" - very limited mobility, can't drive, re-occurring infections, etc. And keep in mind she is staying with and trying to keep her mom going. I feel freaking useless! During this same 6 week period we have had our house on the market, moved, lived with my in laws for two weeks, moved into our new house, I am in the midst of a "promotion" (3 days left for the boss retires), DH has gone back to work fulltime (after a 5 year period as a SAHD) and the kids have gone back to school after summer break. I think my siblings are about to disown me because I am not able to help much. They don't have kids and live within ten minutes (versus my 45) to mom and grandma, so they end up doing everything themselves. They are both sick at the moment, so I am trying to figure out how to get down there to help. sigh Have others here gone through this? I feel like the best way I could help is with paying for a service (house keeper, meals, etc) but no one will actually let me do that. Wow, that is a LOT!!! First schedule yourself a massage. Second, schedule cleaning or yard help for your mom, if it is within your budget. Don't ask anyone; just do it. Third, see if there are any food delivery services and just arrange for meals to be brought 2x a week. Don't ask anyone, just email: " XXXXY food service will be delivering dinner on Tuesday and Saturday nights so that is taken care of. " Fourth, pat yourself on the back. You are handling a lot!!!
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Sept 29, 2014 15:49:14 GMT -5
I didn't think I would end up in this so called Sandwich Generation. My mom is in her mid sixties (dad passed away two years ago) and my kids are in elementary school. My mom is caring for *her* mother (my grandma). Well, my mom broke her ankle. In a bad enough way that required surgery. I knew it would take her longer than she thought to be back to normal, but six weeks later she is still "down" - very limited mobility, can't drive, re-occurring infections, etc. And keep in mind she is staying with and trying to keep her mom going. I feel freaking useless! During this same 6 week period we have had our house on the market, moved, lived with my in laws for two weeks, moved into our new house, I am in the midst of a "promotion" (3 days left for the boss retires), DH has gone back to work fulltime (after a 5 year period as a SAHD) and the kids have gone back to school after summer break. I think my siblings are about to disown me because I am not able to help much. They don't have kids and live within ten minutes (versus my 45) to mom and grandma, so they end up doing everything themselves. They are both sick at the moment, so I am trying to figure out how to get down there to help. sigh Have others here gone through this? I feel like the best way I could help is with paying for a service (house keeper, meals, etc) but no one will actually let me do that. BTDT with my mom and grandmother. Except of 45min I lived about 8 hours away. My sister was "only" an hour away. She would spend every other weekend at my folks to give Dad a break. My brother and I finally pitched in for an in home aid to come a few times a week to give Dad a break. Sounds like what everyone needs is more time. Any chance you could go 1 day every weekend to help out/give others a break for awhile?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 29, 2014 15:58:25 GMT -5
When it rains it pours. Just keep on trucking one day at a time. And, you just can't be everywhere all at once and be everything to everyone. Cut yourself some slack as well. But, your parents should have been saving money for tough times. Well, now it is time to HIRE some homemaking services or whatever.
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backontrack
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Post by backontrack on Sept 29, 2014 16:00:21 GMT -5
I have been trying to spend a day down there every weekend, but between the moving and now viruses running through my household, I haven't made it near as often as I have planned. When I am able to be there, I do anything and everything I can think of, as far as cleaning, changing sheets, prepping meals, etc.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Sept 29, 2014 16:06:59 GMT -5
I have been trying to spend a day down there every weekend, but between the moving and now viruses running through my household, I haven't made it near as often as I have planned. When I am able to be there, I do anything and everything I can think of, as far as cleaning, changing sheets, prepping meals, etc. Are you able to cover the cost of a cleaning service for a short while? Sell that as your contribution since you have more money at the moment then time... It sucks as to the timing but hopefully your siblings understand how much you are stretched.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 29, 2014 16:14:14 GMT -5
To play devil's advocate here, I'm going through the same thing except I'm the one doing everything while my brother and sister are just "too busy" to help. I really get tired of the "you don't have kids" mantra - like that somehow means I have nothing to do. That's not accurate in the least. I'm just as busy - it's just a different kind of busy. Yes. If I had kids, I'd have to give up a bunch of my volunteer work and probably a lot of other things I haven't even thought about, but believe it or not - I don't sit around doing nothing all day just because I'm childless.
I do understand they have some responsibilities I don't have and I honestly do not mind doing most of the chores my mother needs done. It's the idea that I must not have a life since I don't have kids that just pisses me off.
I have a full-time job. I support myself with no help from a spouse. I volunteer a lot of hours with two different agencies that are very near and dear to my heart. I have a home I take care of - by myself. Everything that needs to be done in my life - I do myself. I don't have tons of spare time either and if they wanted to make the time, they could. It's just easier for them to let me do it and console themselves with the fact that I don't have kids so what else do I have to do that's important??
I'm not saying its the same with you, but for them? It's excuses for putting off some of the unpleasant things in life and thinking that having children excuses them from contributing. Sickness is different. No sense making a situation worse by exposing people to germs.
ETA: Again....I'm not saying this is the case with you. It's just that sometimes there are two sides to the story. Plus? Obviously, it's a sore spot with me right now! If you've offered to pay someone to help where you can't and they've refused...that's on them.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Sept 29, 2014 16:16:53 GMT -5
I didn't think I would end up in this so called Sandwich Generation. My mom is in her mid sixties (dad passed away two years ago) and my kids are in elementary school. My mom is caring for *her* mother (my grandma). Well, my mom broke her ankle. In a bad enough way that required surgery. I knew it would take her longer than she thought to be back to normal, but six weeks later she is still "down" - very limited mobility, can't drive, re-occurring infections, etc. And keep in mind she is staying with and trying to keep her mom going. I feel freaking useless! During this same 6 week period we have had our house on the market, moved, lived with my in laws for two weeks, moved into our new house, I am in the midst of a "promotion" (3 days left for the boss retires), DH has gone back to work fulltime (after a 5 year period as a SAHD) and the kids have gone back to school after summer break. I think my siblings are about to disown me because I am not able to help much. They don't have kids and live within ten minutes (versus my 45) to mom and grandma, so they end up doing everything themselves. They are both sick at the moment, so I am trying to figure out how to get down there to help. sigh Have others here gone through this? I feel like the best way I could help is with paying for a service (house keeper, meals, etc) but no one will actually let me do that. As the one who lives closest to our elderly parent and gets looked to to handle things for our mother I think the best thing you can do is talk to them and try to work out a time you can go down and help. I fully get the stress of your situation but just because you have children and live 45 minutes away doesn't mean you can't find one day at least every other week to make the trip. Make a day of it and take the kids. Get them to help with chores around the house. Anything you can do to give your siblings a break will be appreciated on some level if you show an effort. But doing nothing and saying you just don't have time because you have kids will just lead to resentment. We all have obligations in our lives.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2014 16:20:33 GMT -5
Green, would you be ok if they offered to pay for services as part of their contribution?
Would it mean anything if they offered to pay to have your house cleaned too? Or sent you a gift card for take out or a massage?
Im im not sure those things are in the budget?
I know my aunt took care of my grandfather. She dealt with it all. She had the temperament, my dad did not. But he wrote the checks. And when I said, she needs more help, he paid for more help. And he paid for her vacation when she about wore herself out doing it. Etc. But then that was doable for them...
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 29, 2014 16:26:38 GMT -5
Green, would you be ok if they offered to pay for services as part of their contribution? Would it mean anything if they offered to pay to have your house cleaned too? Or sent you a gift card for take out or a massage? Im im not sure those things are in the budget? I know my aunt took care of my grandfather. She dealt with it all. She had the temperament, my dad did not. But he wrote the checks. And when I said, she needs more help, he paid for more help. And he paid for her vacation when she about wore herself out doing it. Etc. But then that was doable for them... I'm not sure how my mom would feel about it. Having strangers in the house is not something she would feel comfortable with. Outside project, tho? I would have loved for one of them to offer to pay someone to dig out her dang bushes. As it was, I got a friend with a tractor! Boy, did I have some holes to fill! I honestly don't know. My nose is too far out of joint right now to think rationally about this. It would be a nice gesture, tho. That is, if I convince myself that's what it was instead of their attempt to buy their way out of any sort of manual labor. I know...I gotta get over this and quit being a big baby about it. It's a very nice thought and when I'm rational again, I may think it's a great one!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2014 16:27:51 GMT -5
But if she offers to pay for cleaning, and they say no, well, sorry, I don't think she has to do the cleaning herself or it doesn't 'count'...
Or, could you pay someone to clean your own house while you go to parents?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 29, 2014 17:08:40 GMT -5
The reality is that often one adult child takes more on. My sister lives several states away. So t was all on me. But I don't begrudge my sister. She couldn't be here and it was my privilege to be there for my mom. Don't let this drive a wedge between siblings. Some siblings just do more because they can or because they want to or because it just falls on them.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 29, 2014 17:22:50 GMT -5
The reality is that often one adult child takes more on. My sister lives several states away. So t was all on me. But I don't begrudge my sister. She couldn't be here and it was my privilege to be there for my mom. Don't let this drive a wedge between siblings. Some siblings just do more because they can or because they want to or because it just falls on them. Normally, I would agree with you. And I honestly don't begrudge one moment I spend helping my mother. I could spend every single hour of every single day doing for her and still wouldn't have paid back 1/4 of what she has done for me - not that she expects payback. My situation isn't like yours, tho. My sister lives a few blocks away and my brother lives about 1 1/2 hours away. There is no excuse for their lack of assistance. You are right, however. I need to quit being bitter about it. It honestly isn't so much about the work - it's the attitude. I'm going to try to be better....starting maybe...next week.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 29, 2014 17:26:16 GMT -5
Well they are adults. They will either offer to help or not. If not then there isnt much u can do anyway.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Sept 29, 2014 17:28:46 GMT -5
My boss lives thousands of miles away from her parents while her siblings all live in the same state. Her siblings obviously visit the parents more often since they're closer but she still flies back there every few months. When she goes back she lets her siblings know so that they don't have to plan a trip over to help out their parents. As others said this type of stuff usually falls to one sibling more than the others for a variety of reasons. Offer what help you can and once things slow down or normalize for you perhaps you can make visits more easily and help out then. Be glad you have siblings as I'm an only child and won't have that option later in life.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Sept 29, 2014 17:29:59 GMT -5
I'm right there with you, sister. My 85 year old mom has dementia and has lived in an assisted living facility for almost four years. All the caretaking for my mom has fallen to me and my oldest sister. My little sister, using her two kids (middle school and high school) as an excuse, has done very little. LIttle sister works part time and can get time off work without pay whenever she wants to (she takes off school holidays and they always have 3 vacations every summer). Older sister and I work full time, and I have very limited vacation days - yet I spend several of them each year taking off to transport my mom to doctor's visits.
In the four years not only has little sister failed to offer to help much, she hasn't once (at least not to me) said thanks for everything I'm doing for our mom. If I mention to her how I'm feeling stressed or tired, she launches into a lecture about how very tired she is, and how little time she has, and how her life, in general, is so much worse than mine because her two kids still live at home.
We don't talk much, anymore. Frankly, her self centeredness has been kind of shocking. Not only is she indifferent to her sisters, she never asks us how mom is doing, either. I always knew she was the family diva, but I thought when push came to shove she would step up for her family, but apparently, her family only means her kids.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 29, 2014 17:30:24 GMT -5
There are lots of ways to help though. Try to think of things that might lighten the load. Maybe they can't take her to the doctor but could they bring the kids over and rake the leaves or stuff like that? All of us went down to DHs mom and the kids DH and me vacuumed, scrubbed floors etc.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 29, 2014 17:32:01 GMT -5
Actually, I have some pretty clever plans. My sister has been promised a beautiful crock when Mom passes. I'm going to tell her it is behind the weed eater. I'll then watch while she googles "weed eater" so she knows what it looks like and then laugh for 3 days while she tries to figure out where on Earth one would keep something like that.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 29, 2014 17:39:19 GMT -5
I'm right there with you, sister. My 85 year old mom has dementia and has lived in an assisted living facility for almost four years. All the caretaking for my mom has fallen to me and my oldest sister. My little sister, using her two kids (middle school and high school) as an excuse, has done very little. LIttle sister works part time and can get time off work without pay whenever she wants to (she takes off school holidays and they always have 3 vacations every summer). Older sister and I work full time, and I have very limited vacation days - yet I spend several of them each year taking off to transport my mom to doctor's visits. In the four years not only has little sister failed to offer to help much, she hasn't once (at least not to me) said thanks for everything I'm doing for our mom. If I mention to her how I'm feeling stressed or tired, she launches into a lecture about how very tired she is, and how little time she has, and how her life, in general, is so much worse than mine because her two kids still live at home. We don't talk much, anymore. Frankly, her self centeredness has been kind of shocking. Not only is she indifferent to her sisters, she never asks us how mom is doing, either. I always knew she was the family diva, but I thought when push came to shove she would step up for her family, but apparently, her family only means her kids. I hear you. It sounds like you (and I) don't begrudge the work and time but rather the attitude. Shooby is right, tho. Nothing that can be done except to be glad we aren't them.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Sept 29, 2014 17:49:52 GMT -5
I think backontrack and Green Eyed Lady need to assert some leadership and call for a family meeting. Best to do it in person but telephone and follow up e-mails would be better than doing nothing. Festering resentment won't help your relationships with your siblings and parents. You need to lay out the problem and get agreement as to what needs to be done for your parent(s). Then ask for contributions/commitments and follow through with your part of the assignment and stick to your limits. Nobody is a mind reader. What may be important to you may not even be on someone else's radar. Good luck; none of this is easy for anyone.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Sept 29, 2014 18:20:44 GMT -5
OP- Does your employer offer employee assistance programs? One of the departments on campus runs sandwich generation workshops regularly 3-4 times a year for employees.
Maybe you need to think out of the box? Take a day off from work? Work a compressed work week to get that free weekday in to go to help your family while not taking away from your nuclear family?
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backontrack
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Post by backontrack on Sept 29, 2014 18:45:14 GMT -5
Normally taking a day off work or working remotely, but between business trips and the house stuff this summer I never made it in the office a full week. Even before the injury, I would go visit just about every weekend. Things just haven't worked out to do it the last few weeks.
They did eventually let my uncle pay for a cleaning service, so they do have that now. I think they need transportation most to doctor's appointments. I have only been able to help with that once. I keep thinking if I can get past one more thing - moving into the house, getting through a big work commitment - I will have more time to help. Then another thing surfaces.
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backontrack
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Post by backontrack on Sept 29, 2014 18:49:37 GMT -5
I think backontrack and Green Eyed Lady need to assert some leadership and call for a family meeting. Best to do it in person but telephone and follow up e-mails would be better than doing nothing. Festering resentment won't help your relationships with your siblings and parents. You need to lay out the problem and get agreement as to what needs to be done for your parent(s). Then ask for contributions/commitments and follow through with your part of the assignment and stick to your limits. Nobody is a mind reader. What may be important to you may not even be on someone else's radar. Good luck; none of this is easy for anyone. Honestly I don't communicate too in depth with my family. I let them fuss at me or complain or chatter, but don't say much in return. I know that's not the healthiest relationship, but that's what it is.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Sept 29, 2014 19:04:13 GMT -5
I would say, this from my experience--not sure what level of care is needed in your mom's, if you aren't making yourself miserable and exhausted trying to help, then you're not doing enough. Or, at least try to match your misery and exhaustion level to your sibs.
On a brighter note, there might be senior services to help with all that stuff that is needed.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Sept 29, 2014 20:59:11 GMT -5
Some of you know that my 90 year old mother passed away in May leaving dad. They lived (he still does) in an independent living facility. They were getting Meals on Wheels 5 days a week and house cleaning every 3 weeks. That has not changed for dad. When mom realized she was dying, she taught dad to do his laundry and run the dishwasher. She had already made him learn to fix his breakfast and sandwich for dinner. So during the week, he is taken care of.
DS decided when mom died that dad needed a daily visitor. I did not agree since he isn't in ill health and he doesn't talk to it's hard to just sit there. I set my limit at twice a week. She is cutting down on her visits now and he is not happy about that. I was advised by people that is what would most likely happen. We take turns driving him to his doctor appointments. Right now, I work on Thursday mornings and then take him grocery shopping, etc. We take turns taking him to lunch on weekends. The problem there is that he will only go to one place.
Mom and dad had/have money saved, but he is afraid it isn't enough. Whether it is or not, time will tell. I work a tax season job that entails lots of overtime and six days a week for about 3 months. During that time, I will cut out the week day visit as my small part time job is 3-4 hours per week and I will be doing that on an evening or weekend. I will take him to lunch one day on the weekend--the day I don't work.
DS stopped in to visit him today and he really upset her. She doesn't know why, but he accused her of trying to "fix him up" with one of the women at the facility. Nothing like that happened. He got furious with her. She said her own husband doesn't talk to her in the tone of voice he did today. She said if he does it again, she is going to tell him she will no longer visit.
We take turns changing the bed now that he's figured out that it is okay to take sheets off the bed and put on a clean pair and then wash the other set. Mom only used one pair at a time, so they had to be laundered before they could go back on the bed. I suddenly realized that I had given them another set of sheets so why are we doing this?
It's hard. It was hard with mom. DS tried to tell me how to feel. DS had to be in charge of the funeral. I didn't like that.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2014 21:04:31 GMT -5
OtherMe, I'd be watching for behavioral changes, but wouldn't go straight to punishing dad if he makes angry accusations... Is there staff there? Others who regularly observe his behavior that you could speak to?
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Sept 29, 2014 21:50:28 GMT -5
My family is halfway across the country. One sister lives next door to my parents, the other is about 45 minutes away. I can't be there to help if my parents need it... But I will pay for a service or send packages or even money. I would do whatever I could. If you want to pay for meals or cleaning service, do you need the sibling's permission? Can't you just do it?
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Sept 29, 2014 22:04:47 GMT -5
I've been in your shoes. My parents were elderly, my dad was dying, I had 2 small children, going to school, and a house. My sister was single and lived 2 hours away. She loaned me a better running car and paid for 'special' groceries that dad wanted/needed so he would eat, offered to pay for a house keeper, etc. I appreciated that! If you can afford and offer to pay for some services, your siblings should take the offer and run!
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Sept 29, 2014 22:19:46 GMT -5
Sounds like you have become part of a club sandwich (multiple layers) backontrack. Good luck with all that is on your plate
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