Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 30, 2014 0:03:54 GMT -5
I have kind of seen both sides of it. My mom and I were very close. When she was widowed she moved to my town to live and I helped take care of her. As I said, my sister lived states away. On the other hand we were a couple hour drive from DH's mom. And, she had severe COPD and a lot of anxiety issues. DH's sister lived a block from their mom. DH's sister is a very overbearing type person. When his mom started failing it became more and more difficult for her to remain in her home. We did go down to clean her house, take care of things, etc. But, our kids were younger and I had MY mom to deal with as well. So, we simply could not be there as much as his sister. It was too far to be able to run for a day trip. Anyway, one day, when were visiting DH's sister proceeded to TELL us "This is how we are going to care for Mom", blah, blah. Um, sorry, that isn't possible for us to do that. She didn't ask she tried to demand that DH and Dh's brother (who lived in the same town as the Mother) do thus and so exactly as she prescribed. Needless to say, we couldn't agree to that.
Then when she was hospitalized, DH's sister was touring nursing homes because "we have to put her in the best nursing home money can buy". Again, no can do. She can go to the best nursing home she can AFFORD. His sister need to get real. She was pretty much bedbound. She didnt' need a home with a fancy lobby and bingo. And, when his mom was at the END of her life, instead of allowing his mom to die in peace, DH's sister pushed and pushed doctors so that in the end, she had every possible tube in every possible orfice including a tracheotomy. It was ridiculous and sad. On the other hand, I accepted that my mom's life was coming to a close and we called in hospice and at least she died in comfort with me at her bedside and was adequately treated with pain medicine.
One time when we went down for a visit, DH's sister had to run an errand. She CALLED home like 6 times to "check" on their mom. His sister created a lot of unnecessary hysteria for everyone.
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michelyn8
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Joined: Jul 25, 2012 6:48:24 GMT -5
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Post by michelyn8 on Sept 30, 2014 6:47:52 GMT -5
The offers of hiring someone to clean sound fine in theory but not everyone would be happy with having a stranger in their house doing those things. In my situation, it would be a waste of money and simply not worth the hassle because my mother would gripe and complain that something wasn't done right, the person messed with stuff they shouldn't have, etc. Actually, I think I'm the only person that can clean to Mama's satisfaction because I lived with her in my 20's and did a fair share of the housework to "earn my keep".
Not to hijack, but do all elderly people become paranoid as they slow down? I always thought it was just a quirk with my ex's grandmother (she kept the curtains closed because someone might look in and see what she had and break in). M grandfather never showed that trait around me but now as my mother approaches 80, she seems to be getting more and more paranoid about people trying to cheat her, pull one over on her, etc.
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Shooby
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Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
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Post by Shooby on Sept 30, 2014 6:51:11 GMT -5
Well, but if they aren't willing to hire someone because they don't want strangers in their home, then they can't expect that their children are going to have the time to take care of all that and their own homes either. People can only spread themselves so thin. So, sorry about pride, but there is a time to PAY for help.
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happyhoix
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Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
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Post by happyhoix on Sept 30, 2014 7:25:59 GMT -5
The offers of hiring someone to clean sound fine in theory but not everyone would be happy with having a stranger in their house doing those things. In my situation, it would be a waste of money and simply not worth the hassle because my mother would gripe and complain that something wasn't done right, the person messed with stuff they shouldn't have, etc. Actually, I think I'm the only person that can clean to Mama's satisfaction because I lived with her in my 20's and did a fair share of the housework to "earn my keep". Not to hijack, but do all elderly people become paranoid as they slow down? I always thought it was just a quirk with my ex's grandmother (she kept the curtains closed because someone might look in and see what she had and break in). M grandfather never showed that trait around me but now as my mother approaches 80, she seems to be getting more and more paranoid about people trying to cheat her, pull one over on her, etc. I think as you get older the bad parts of your regular personality get magnified, usually in unpleasant ways. My mom has always been a little snobby. She always thought her possessions were superior to things other people owned (even the ancient tupperware containers) and as she got older this caused her to think people were trying to break into her house to rob her. Once, my little sister left her watch on the hall table, and my mother called everyone in the family to say that a thief had broken into the house and left a watch on the table. She got worse once she moved into the assisted living home, convinced all the workers were stealing her clothes, her stash of sugar free candy (which she was gobbling up herself), her glasses, her toothbrush. She wasn't the only elderly person in residence who thought that, either - one elderly lady there told me angrily that thieves had stolen her dentures.
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happyhoix
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Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
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Post by happyhoix on Sept 30, 2014 7:42:32 GMT -5
This is what I keep telling myself.
I know once Mom passes I will know that I did what I could to help her last years, and to help my older sister, who has primary care for her. I won't regret that I might have done more to help, and I'll continue to have a good relationship with my older sister, forged during these hard years spent trying to take care of Mom.
Little sister won't be able to say the same.
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Bonny
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Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
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Location: No Place Like Home!
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Post by Bonny on Sept 30, 2014 18:39:37 GMT -5
And, when his mom was at the END of her life, instead of allowing his mom to die in peace, DH's sister pushed and pushed doctors so that in the end, she had every possible tube in every possible orfice including a tracheotomy. It was ridiculous and sad. MIL tried to do this with her brother who had Parkinson's for nearly 20 years. Had a screaming fit with her SIL and the doctors that they weren't doing enough even though there was a written DNR.
This is why having your estate package including DNR is sooooo important.
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Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
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Location: No Place Like Home!
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Post by Bonny on Sept 30, 2014 18:43:14 GMT -5
The offers of hiring someone to clean sound fine in theory but not everyone would be happy with having a stranger in their house doing those things. In my situation, it would be a waste of money and simply not worth the hassle because my mother would gripe and complain that something wasn't done right, the person messed with stuff they shouldn't have, etc. Actually, I think I'm the only person that can clean to Mama's satisfaction because I lived with her in my 20's and did a fair share of the housework to "earn my keep". Not to hijack, but do all elderly people become paranoid as they slow down? I always thought it was just a quirk with my ex's grandmother (she kept the curtains closed because someone might look in and see what she had and break in). M grandfather never showed that trait around me but now as my mother approaches 80, she seems to be getting more and more paranoid about people trying to cheat her, pull one over on her, etc. I think as you get older the bad parts of your regular personality get magnified, usually in unpleasant ways. My mom has always been a little snobby. She always thought her possessions were superior to things other people owned (even the ancient tupperware containers) and as she got older this caused her to think people were trying to break into her house to rob her. Once, my little sister left her watch on the hall table, and my mother called everyone in the family to say that a thief had broken into the house and left a watch on the table. She got worse once she moved into the assisted living home, convinced all the workers were stealing her clothes, her stash of sugar free candy (which she was gobbling up herself), her glasses, her toothbrush. She wasn't the only elderly person in residence who thought that, either - one elderly lady there told me angrily that thieves had stolen her dentures. I think it's quite common.
MIL has insisted that one of the home health aids stole her hearing aids...to sell on the black market.
It would be comical except that she's refusing to pay the home health aid company the last two weeks of their service because she's convinced the aide stole items.
Poor DH has to deal with that mess too when he gets up there tomorrow.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 30, 2014 18:59:07 GMT -5
Count me in the "I'm very busy" crowd. I work 12 hour days, barely getting home to put my youngest to bed half the time. I also have two kids, one very active and one special needs. I would be happy to pay someone to help if I were in the OP shoes but if my siblings refused, that would be in them. And if they worked a lot less than me and had no kids I wouldn't feel guilty if they did more for my mom than I did. We each do what we can do.
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