Do you / would you spy on your kids?

[Firebird]

Do you do things like read your kids' text messages, look around their room when they're not there, that kind of thing?  Only when you're suspicious or just in general?

Are kids entitled to privacy in your house?

[gacpa]

When I was growing up, my mom always looked through our rooms/closets/bedroom furniture and we were not allowed to have locks on the doors to our rooms. 

We had one phone in the house hanging on the kitchen wall.  If you wanted to talk to somebody, you did it there.  I suppose because my mom had two girls, she was extra vigilant about making sure nothing suspicious was happening.

[The Captain]

1.  Kids have no reasonable expectation of privacy as long as they live under your roof.

2.  DD knows (and accepts/understands) that we can monitor her internet/phone usage. 

That being said, we for the most part do not snoop (unless she's on the web after bedtime ) and she has always (so far) willingly shown us what she's watching or texting on her phone.

We've also never looked around her room when she's not there, but if I thought she was in any kind of trouble I would let her know a surprise inspection was coming then do it in front of her.

[zibazinski]

I still snoop!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 22, 2014 10:36:24 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Do you do things like read your kids' text messages, look around their room when they're not there, that kind of thing?  Only when you're suspicious or just in general?

Are kids entitled to privacy in your house?

Not texting yet.

Look around the rooms, sort of.  Kids are little so I put laundry away, change bedding (sometimes they're around sometimes not)  I've poked around a bit when I suspect DD of playing with something I don't want her playing with.  Such as the Iphone 3 or the boxes for my wedding rings. 

We do try to teach the kids that if a door is closed, the person inside wants privacy.  If they close their doors to their rooms, we try to knock instead of barging in. 

It's more modeling courtesy than anything else.  But as I said, the kids are young and things change. 

[sesfw]

Are kids entitled to privacy in your house? 

Up to a certain point.  It's the wise parent that takes a casual quick glance around the room every so often.  When DD was growing up all the electronic stuff wasn't around and the phone was on a 25' cord.  And we were on a 4 party line.  She could take the phone to her room but she also knew that others could listen to her conversation.  And we knew who our party mates were.

Bathroom visits are private but anything else is subject.

No guilt, no problem.  DD was a good kid and today at age 52 a great adult.  Very proud of her and her family.

[kristinkle]

My kids have absolutely no expectation of privacy on any devices (including "their" own - like if they bought them).  They understand that we can go thru their phone/computer/ipad/ipod/texts/instagram/facebook etc. at any time and heaven help the child who tries to erase history.  They accept it and (seem to be so far) fine with it.  IDS and passwords are posted on the fridge.  I don't go poking thru their rooms but if I am in there and see something of interest, I will pick it up.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 22, 2014 11:14:39 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

Right now I wish DS would demand some privacy instead of walking around naked.  When he's older I will absolutely be spying on him and so will DH.  DS can have body privacy but any device or item we provide to him should be open to us.

One day I told the kids that a bare butt was asking to get paddled.  Repeatedly.  Then I made a big deal out of chasing them and giving them a swat on the butt.  Now it's a game of sorts. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

I did grow up in a household where Mom would play any music we left around or read any book we left around.  She didn't do this because she wanted to know what we were into but because music and reading are 2 of her greatest pleasures.  When I moved out, she mourned the loss of my books more than me moving out! 

[Deleted]

My son is only 12 and not texting people much.  I don't let him have electronics in his room and will probably continue that.  My main reason now is he'd stay up too late playing games, but later I can monitor what he's doing better that way.  He leaves his ipod and phone in the kitchen charging stations when he goes down to bed.  He needs a computer or laptop for school now, so I think we're going to put a desktop in the dining room.   He has his own email and Facebook account (which he isn't really interested in), but I've only went through his email once.  He got a lesson in signing up for all the auto send things from everywhere then.  His inbox was so packed with crap you couldn't find anything from individuals and he was missing all his scouting emails.

[Firebird]

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the privacy issue as BB gets older.  On the one hand, I want her to know that she has a right to her private stuff.  I don't want her thinking I'm going to scrutinize every Internet search she does.

On the other hand, of course, I want to keep her safe.  There were times in my troubled youth that I probably could have benefited from a little less privacy, if I'm being honest. 

[Lizard Queen]

I don't know.  The older kid is only about 4 1/2, so I'm heavily involved in everything he does anyway.  My mom snooped a ton on me, and I hated it.  I never did anything wrong, but my brother used to tease me to the point that it hurt my self-esteem, so I really liked to do my own thing and have some privacy.  I would have hated for my mom to bring stuff out in the open that would give him more ammunition for the teasing.

So, when I have my own kids, I'm sure I'll remember the feeling at least to some extent and let them have some privacy.  But, I wouldn't want to have something get by me that I should have noticed, so I don't think I'll give complete privacy either.

[Miss Tequila]

I'm a stalker.  My daughter is well aware that my goal in life is to turn her into a responsible adult, not be her bff. I stalk her ass and she knows it...doesn't stop her from doing dumb shit but it lets me know that my kid does dumb shit and needs a tighter leash. When she goes out we have the same talk that always ends with "you know I stalk your ass so please don't do something stupid....you know I will find out and then I have to ground you"...half the time it works...she spends a lot of time grounded!

[Firebird]

My daughter is well aware that my goal in life is to turn her into a responsible adult, not be her bff.

How old is your DD?  Preteen IIRC?

I'm not especially interested in being my kid's BFF either but part of turning her into a responsible adult means teaching her how to handle responsibility and privacy.  Do I know exactly what that looks like yet?  No, but I definitely don't plan to "stalk" my daughter - I hope she would never need that degree of supervision. 

I personally like Sheila's approach - my kid will have as many rules as she needs.  If she shows me she can handle herself without rules, she gets fewer rules.  If she acts like a dumbass, the rules increase. 

[Miss Tequila]

Sept 22, 2014 11:50:15 GMT -5 Firebird said:

My daughter is well aware that my goal in life is to turn her into a responsible adult, not be her bff.

How old is your DD?  Preteen IIRC?

I'm not especially interested in being my kid's BFF either but part of turning her into a responsible adult means teaching her how to handle responsibility and privacy.  Do I know exactly what that looks like yet?  No, but I definitely don't plan to "stalk" my daughter - I hope she would never need that degree of supervision. 

I personally like Sheila's approach - my kid will have as many rules as she needs.  If she shows me she can handle herself without rules, she gets fewer rules.  If she acts like a dumbass, the rules increase. 

My dd will be 16 and has shown she needs rules...and lots of supervision. She doesn't make the best decisions. Let's say she is me at that age...only I had no parental supervision and I know exactly where I headed. I don't want that for my daughter. If she could be trusted I wouldn't stalk her

[Deleted]

Of course I wouldn't spy on the girls! But if I happen to notice anything when I throw their laundry from the dryer onto their bed it's not my fault!  Actually after they snuck booze into the house and got caught I told them I reserve the right to search their rooms any time. They know they gave up their right to privacy with that stunt. I haven't actually done it mind you. Their almost 18 and better at phone tech than I am so I don't even bother about phones and computers.

[andi9899]

I don't go through my kids' stuff, but I reserve the right to. It is made very clear that while I respect their privacy, I will toss their room or go through their devices if I think I need to.

[Cookies Galore]

My mom is a terrible snoop. If I left her alone in my apartment I know she would go through our stuff! When I was in high school she went through my backpack and read my journal. I created a fake one after that. My alter ego led a very salacious life for a 16-year-old! Mom freaked out at me for all of the sex and drugs "I" was doing. :-)

[Sam_2.0]

My 3yr old now demands "private-see" and wants to be allowed to go into the public restroom completely on her own and to be allowed to take a bath by herself in the bathroom with the door closed. Sorry, kiddo, but I'm not letting her do those things unattended just yet.

Who knows what will happen as she grows older. I don't think it's an invasion of privacy for a parent to know what is going on, though. Interactions with peers will be supervised as needed. Belongings can also be searched at any time if needed - rooms, cars, bags, etc. Right now I have to search her room for random things she brings home from her adventure walks. No one needs to keep "squirrel's nuts" (acorns) stashed in their dresser drawers

[Firebird]

I definitely understand tightening the restrictions / losing privacy rights after a kid pulls a major stunt. 

[swasat]

I grew up in a household where everything other than body was open to scrutiny by the parents. Their house their rules. They reserved the right to go through everything and brother and I knew that fully well. 

Stopped us from doing a lot of shit   Just the fact that mom and dad could find out (and then we would e in deep, deep trouble!! ) was enough for both us to us to stop and think before undertaking any shit. 

DH and I are both of the opinion that a bit of snooping is ok, keeps us aware of whats going on. My kids are still elementary school age so we haven't needed to, but we sure will be open to scrutinizing everything if needed.

No tv, no laptops, no iPad or computer in the rooms either. 

[Deleted]

I go through my son's backpack a lot.  I'll ask if his homework is done, and he'll say "yes", then I'll say "Well, what's THIS then?". 

Electronics is kind of a lost cause.  He knows so much about them it's crazy.  His Dad is an IT guru and he is better at electronically blocking/monitoring him than I am. 

[vonna]

My son is 19, and I have never read his texts (except those that he showed me).   I have never logged onto his account or read his emails.  I don't open snail mail either, unless he specifically asks me to.  I don't search his bedroom either, but do go in occasionally to check for cat puke (he's away at college right now).

I don't open my husband's mail either, have never searched his cell phone, or read his email.

DD is 9, and so far has no cell phone or internet presence.  However, I don't expect I will be snooping through her stuff either. 

Guess I won't be winning any "mother of the year" awards!!

[tractor]

I have two teenage boys. To think that I could find anything in their room would be a fantasy. Not that I would never try, but their rooms are such a huge pile of clean/dirty cloths and stuff, I wouldn't know where to look.

As far as electronic devices, they know I reserve the right to look whenever I want. I do go through the older ones phone from time to time when he leaves it laying around, mainly to see if he has a girlfriend. Most of the time his texts are so boring that I really don't learn much. Not that I want them to be exciting, but my god, his friends are all really boring too. How am I supposed to live vicariously through them when my life is more exciting.

I'm sure it would be different with girls, my boys are drama free. I guess I should be happy.

[Firebird]

Most of the time his texts are so boring that I really don't learn much. Not that I want them to be exciting, but my god, his friends are all really boring too. How am I supposed to live vicariously through them when my life is more exciting.



Sounds like you need a little Cookies Galore in your life. 

[Cookies Galore]

Sept 22, 2014 12:56:47 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Most of the time his texts are so boring that I really don't learn much. Not that I want them to be exciting, but my god, his friends are all really boring too. How am I supposed to live vicariously through them when my life is more exciting.



Sounds like you need a little Cookies Galore in your life. 

Everyone needs a little meghan in their life!

[Abby Normal]

My kid is boring. He has a cell phone (trac) but rarely uses it.  He knows I go in his room to clean up everyone in a while.  He has a bunch of notebooks that he doesn't want me to read.  Of course I look when he's not home just to see the content.   I don't read them, just skim to be sure there is not anything we need to be discussing. But so far he's just writing stories that he doesn't want to share.  Some aren't too bad (not that I've read them) 

But the rule in our house is if you don't want me to look at it I better never see it- which means put it away. 

[tractor]

Sept 22, 2014 12:56:47 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Most of the time his texts are so boring that I really don't learn much. Not that I want them to be exciting, but my god, his friends are all really boring too. How am I supposed to live vicariously through them when my life is more exciting.



Sounds like you need a little Cookies Galore in your life. 

I get the feeling that kids just don't date like we used to. I spent most of high school chasing girls, and having fun with the ones I caught. Everyone says how handsome my son is, and he has all the girls attention, he just doesn't care. When I ask who he's taking to homecoming the response I get is "I still accepting resumes and haven't made a decision". When I ask his friends who they are taking I get "FIFA". Sounds like all the boys are going to have an x-box party....so boring.

[giramomma]

I don't know yet. My kids are not there.

I grew up in a family where ANY privacy was secrecy. As a teen, it was expected that my mom could come in the bathroom with me anytime she liked.

I was not allowed to have any private thoughts. Because, thinking something and not wanting to share it was keeping a secret. Even if it was as dumb of a thought as "Dude looks like a lady." To have a smile over that, and not share. I had to be ready to deal with the consequences of that. Because obviously I was up to no good and planning to get into major trouble by thinking of something of that nature.

It was common for Mom to go through my room.

It sucked. She had no reason to. I never smoke, drank, had sex, did drugs, or went to any parties in HS. Furthermore, I was not encouraged to drive, and my parents accompanied me most everywhere, with the exception of the few HS dances I went to and football games. Summertime I did go to camps unaccompanied.

It's not exactly like I was a failure growing up. Graduated top in my class, went to a respected college, have an advanced degree. Did everything the right way: marriage, house, kids (after the fully funded EF).

Do you know what it's like growing up knowing you have NO safe place to go to to deal with life. Home was out. School was out. Friends at activities was out. (If my friends didn't acknowledge my mom, it was OF COURSE because I was painting my mother in poor light to my friends. Mom picked some fights with me over that. It never dawned on her that maybe my friends didn't think she was their friend, too. Or that maybe they were thinking about something completely benign and really didn't notice her.) I tried talking to a "trusted" family friend once. That was out. I have no sibs. I can count on one hand how many friends my parents had. There were no relatives to talk to either.

I would get emotionally punished if I didn't think/do/act/feel like my parents thought I should or how they felt. Then you have to worry about them finding out how you really think/feel, because there's more emotional punishment for that.

DS is 10. He adheres to our rules for technology. Sometimes I will get onto his iDevice because I need a particular app. I have no reason to check up on him. If and when the time comes, I will. The kids know that if there is no adherence to rules, there's no technology.

I do go through the kids rooms to get rid of outgrown clothing. Otherwise, their room, their space.  If they want to have friends over, their room has to be clean. How they manage that is up to them.

For me, it's important for my kids to know they have the ability to be themselves at home, to have the space they need to process life, and to know that they are emotionally safe at home. I don't want them to be in and out of therapists in their 20's like I was.

ETA: Of course I pulled a few things. And there were consequences for that. But, in the grand scheme of things....they weren't very big things.

[Deleted]

FIFA?