Does he need my Social Security #

[milee]

Sept 11, 2014 22:13:56 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I sent an email letting him know what I found and where I looked. No birth certificate. Not most of the w2s he was hoping for.

I am curious what kind of reply I will get. I am guessing it won't be 'thanks for trying'.

It's wrong of him to act like a jerk to you, especially when you go above and beyond to help him with things you don't have to do.  On the other hand, one of the reasons he continues to do this (and you continue to be hurt and jerked around) is that your continued interaction with him is reinforcing behavior that encourages him to keep doing it.

Until you get to the point where you can ignore and not engage - positively or negatively - he'll keep acting like this because he's getting what he wants.  The interaction serves to entertain him, can give him hope that you might come back, can provide him satisfaction when he gets to know he hurts you, etc.  And you are giving him this power.  He pushes the button and you respond. 

The only way you can put a stop to this is by stopping responding and engaging - either positively and negatively.  Even on things where you'd like to help and it's no big deal, you can't respond if you ever want him to stop his manipulation.   Not responding means not arguing, not disagreeing, not agreeing, not discussing anything more than bare essentials about the children and divorce only. Examples:

Him: Send me my W2s and Birth Certificate.

You: I don't have any of your things. The kids will be ready for your call at ________.

Him: You probably threw away my favorite shirt!

You: Mm. The kids will be ready for your call at _________.

Him: You are telling the kids bad things about me.

You:  Not true, but if you have an issue, have your lawyer talk to my lawyer. The kids will be ready for your call at _________.

Him:  I need some pictures of us together.  I miss you so much.

You:  Mm.  The kids will be ready for your call at __________.

And that also means even on stuff like sending the W2s that are easy and you're glad to help with - stop.  Unfortunately, instead of serving to have a positive effect by showing you're reasonable, it's just making the long term interactions worse because it shows him you still respond to his demands and whims. 

[zibazinski]

I just said something like this to DFs secretary. There's a horses ass in the office, why DF tolerates him is beyond me. I spoke to him while DF was in hospital and basically told him to behave or go home and he behaved for two weeks but she says now that DF is out of hospital he's acting like a horses ass again. I told her he acts that way to everyone but in particular you because he knows it gets to you.  Stop letting him get to you and he will stop. It's his power trip on her and she falls right into it. The most freeing day of my life was when my ex started some shit and I started laughing at him. When he stopped and asked WTF, I said something along the lines of that did he think I was still that stupid girl he tricked all those years ago? Hasn't pulled any shit since. She has two choices in my mind, laugh in his face or tell him to F off. Either one will work depending on her mood.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 12, 2014 7:12:23 GMT -5 milee said:

Sept 11, 2014 22:13:56 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I sent an email letting him know what I found and where I looked. No birth certificate. Not most of the w2s he was hoping for.

I am curious what kind of reply I will get. I am guessing it won't be 'thanks for trying'.

It's wrong of him to act like a jerk to you, especially when you go above and beyond to help him with things you don't have to do.  On the other hand, one of the reasons he continues to do this (and you continue to be hurt and jerked around) is that your continued interaction with him is reinforcing behavior that encourages him to keep doing it.

Until you get to the point where you can ignore and not engage - positively or negatively - he'll keep acting like this because he's getting what he wants.  The interaction serves to entertain him, can give him hope that you might come back, can provide him satisfaction when he gets to know he hurts you, etc.  And you are giving him this power.  He pushes the button and you respond. 

The only way you can put a stop to this is by stopping responding and engaging - either positively and negatively.  Even on things where you'd like to help and it's no big deal, you can't respond if you ever want him to stop his manipulation.   Not responding means not arguing, not disagreeing, not agreeing, not discussing anything more than bare essentials about the children and divorce only. Examples:

Him: Send me my W2s and Birth Certificate.

You: I don't have any of your things. The kids will be ready for your call at ________.

Him: You probably threw away my favorite shirt!

You: Mm. The kids will be ready for your call at _________.

Him: You are telling the kids bad things about me.

You:  Not true, but if you have an issue, have your lawyer talk to my lawyer. The kids will be ready for your call at _________.

Him:  I need some pictures of us together.  I miss you so much.

You:  Mm.  The kids will be ready for your call at __________.

And that also means even on stuff like sending the W2s that are easy and you're glad to help with - stop.  Unfortunately, instead of serving to have a positive effect by showing you're reasonable, it's just making the long term interactions worse because it shows him you still respond to his demands and whims. 

She's working on it Milee.  There's a thread from a month or two ago talking about it.  She knows she need to draw boundaries and is easing into them, on her own timeline and comfort level. 

[greeniis10]

Beth, exactly.  As much of a jerk as they are it's still hard to just change how you react to them like a light switch.  Particularly, when they are so different now from the person you originally fell in love with.  I mean, if you get involved with an idiot, everyone tells you they're an idiot and you're too blinded by love and don't see if until much later, that's a different story.

That's not what happened here (or with my ex, which is why I can relate).  Angel's ex has been probably permanently altered by drug abuse.  It's hard to see someone transform and deteriorate.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2014 13:11:28 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Beth, exactly.  As much of a jerk as they are it's still hard to just change how you react to them like a light switch.  Particularly, when they are so different now from the person you originally fell in love with.  I mean, if you get involved with an idiot, everyone tells you they're an idiot and you're too blinded by love and don't see if until much later, that's a different story.

That's not what happened here (or with my ex, which is why I can relate).  Angel's ex has been probably permanently altered by drug abuse.  It's hard to see someone transform and deteriorate.

That's why I suggested she just block his calls except for during predetermined times where he can call the kids.  It's too hard to just ignore sometimes, so better to not see it at all. 

[Angel!]

I am slightly surprised I have not received any response.  I also sent out the pictures I had said I would email Friday.

Maybe no response means he will stop being crazy.  Probably not.  Might also mean he is in jail, LOL!

[Deleted]

Or passed out somewhere...

[NancysSummerSip]

Sept 12, 2014 15:23:55 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I am slightly surprised I have not received any response.  I also sent out the pictures I had said I would email Friday.

Maybe no response means he will stop being crazy.  Probably not.  Might also mean he is in jail, LOL!

That can be checked, depending on which county he is in. Some counties, but not all, have jail inmates and arrest rosters available online, and they usually update all day long.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2014 15:42:25 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Sept 12, 2014 15:23:55 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I am slightly surprised I have not received any response.  I also sent out the pictures I had said I would email Friday.

Maybe no response means he will stop being crazy.  Probably not.  Might also mean he is in jail, LOL!

That can be checked, depending on which county he is in. Some counties, but not all, have jail inmates and arrest rosters available online, and they usually update all day long.

Yes.  It's the morning entertainment for a coworker friend and myself.  Pull up the roster complete with mugshots and see if anyone we know is in there today.  Sadly, there's usually a couple....

[Chocolate Lover]

Sept 12, 2014 15:46:33 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sept 12, 2014 15:42:25 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

That can be checked, depending on which county he is in. Some counties, but not all, have jail inmates and arrest rosters available online, and they usually update all day long.

Yes.  It's the morning entertainment for a coworker friend and myself.  Pull up the roster complete with mugshots and see if anyone we know is in there today.  Sadly, there's usually a couple....

A friend calls the sheriff's dept site her family photo album, most of her inlaws are on there. They never take anyone's lovely mug shots down, just change their status. 

[Deleted]

I hadn't realized he'd moved to Texas either. That's great news! Did you pay for his ticket there, or did somebody else? 

Have you changed the locks yet?! PLEASE don't get complacent and decide you don't need to, because he's in Texas now, just to save a few bucks.

He was near you before he went to Texas, near enough that you wondered whether he was spying on you. He could come back, and certainly will, at some point, if he can. 

CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!

[Angel!]

I did pay for the ticket. It was something I promised a long time ago. And it got him the hell away from me.

He has no keys. What sucks is he can break in somehow. I got new windows last year because it took him all of 30 seconds to open the old ones even if they were locked. But he still got in one day last summer through the bathroom window.

I looked in a security system, but they wanted a fortune to put sensors on all the windows. They had wanted to install glass break sensors and motion detectors, neither of which would help me. The salesman actually told me I may just be better off with a gun. I'm fairly certain he only did it the one time though.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2014 22:02:35 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I did pay for the ticket. It was something I promised a long time ago. And it got him the hell away from me.

He has no keys. What sucks is he can break in somehow. I got new windows last year because it took him all of 30 seconds to open the old ones even if they were locked. But he still got in one day last summer through the bathroom window.

I looked in a security system, but they wanted a fortune to put sensors on all the windows. They had wanted to install glass break sensors and motion detectors, neither of which would help me. The salesman actually told me I may just be better off with a gun. I'm fairly certain he only did it the one time though.

They sell window alarms at Home Depot and Lowes for a decent price that you put on them and if someone jimmies them, they go off.

www.homedepot.com/s/window%2520alarms?NCNI-5

My sister and I were looking into them for my dad's house after he died but we sold it before we really needed them. Thank God because where we lived is a high crime shithole city. Plus I think my uncle did some drive-bys and the neighbors kept their eyes out. We had some really nosy-Nellies. I really would have been pissed if I lost the money I ponied up for the insurance.