If the guy you were casually seeing .....

[muttleynfelix]

died suddenly, how would you want to hear about it?  

Back story, my BIL (DH's brother #2) passed away suddenly on Saturday.  While going through his stuff, his brothers and daughter found out that BIL was a bit of a player and was "seeing" 4 different women! One of them has called his phone 7 times in the last couple days.  So my niece calls the lady back on her phone (so the lady would not have recognized the number) and left a message.  "This is Je. John's daughter.  Umm... call me".  We are curious to see what happens.  We've never met or heard of any of these women.

On a side note, why in the world would anyone date him, let alone 4 women!  He was 51 years old, lived with his mother, had maybe $3k to his name and a car worth maybe a $1000!   He had charisma, I'll give him that.  My parents always thought he was great, but I'd heard too many stories about his narcissistic alcoholic side to trust him completely.  

[Deleted]

He is the perfect guy to date. Many women, myself included, enjoy the companionship for activities but also enjoy our independence. A guy with charisma that's good company but not looking to move in is great.

[muttleynfelix]

You weren't one of the women he was dating?     (I know we are in different countries for that). 

[TheHaitian]

Sept 11, 2014 9:40:14 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

He is the perfect guy to date. Many women, myself included, enjoy the companionship for activities but also enjoy our independence. A guy with charisma that's good company but not looking to move in is great.

Basically that: use him and him.

You get the fun part of a relationship: dinner, going out, companionship, sex, without all the drama, the work, the heartache and headache.

[TheHaitian]

And as in "how", over the phone by his daughter seems appropriate.

You can also give them the funeral information.

[muttleynfelix]

We aren't having a funeral.  The chaplin at the hospital said a few words when his daughter went to see him the day after he died and she, my MIL, DH and BIL #1 agreed that was enough of a service for them. The sister flew in last night and she may disagree, but considering the daughter is leaving tomorrow and the sister is only staying 2 days, whether she disagrees or not is irrelevant.  

[giramomma]

Yes, I would want to know so I can stop calling.

Honestly, if I'm using someone for a good time or know them only casually, I don't know that I would go to the funeral.

[TheHaitian]

Sept 11, 2014 9:55:52 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

We aren't having a funeral.  The chaplin at the hospital said a few words when his daughter went to see him the day after he died and she, my MIL, DH and BIL #1 agreed that was enough of a service for them. The sister flew in last night and she may disagree, but considering the daughter is leaving tomorrow and the sister is only staying 2 days, whether she disagrees or not is irrelevant.  

Ok then, you can tell them where the burial plot is located in case they want to go pay their respects.

[TheHaitian]

Sept 11, 2014 9:59:03 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Honestly, if I'm using someone for a good time or know them only casually, I don't know that I would go to the funeral.

They probably wouldn't have gone (I know I wouldn't) but it would have been the polite thing to do if they were having a funeral.

You really never know how attach or non attach they were to that person, you leave the option to them.

[muttleynfelix]

Sept 11, 2014 9:59:33 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Sept 11, 2014 9:55:52 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

We aren't having a funeral.  The chaplin at the hospital said a few words when his daughter went to see him the day after he died and she, my MIL, DH and BIL #1 agreed that was enough of a service for them. The sister flew in last night and she may disagree, but considering the daughter is leaving tomorrow and the sister is only staying 2 days, whether she disagrees or not is irrelevant.  

Ok then, you can tell them where the burial plot is located in case they want to go pay their respects.

He was cremated. Right now his daughter has some of his ashes and his mother has the rest. 

Funny story, when they went to funeral home yesterday, his daughter was handed her container of the ashes and she promptly dropped it!  DH and Je both swear they heard John laughing when that happened. 

[Deleted]

What using? He is seeing 4 different women. I don't think he feels any of them are some sort of committed thing. But they are friends. I would go to the funeral of someone I had been dating.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Like Gina said - I'd want to know so I'd stop calling.  And to know that he didn't just drop me like a hot potato! 

I'd just say services were private when calling. 

[sesfw]

And as in "how", over the phone by his daughter seems appropriate.

This is a good way.  The lady can call back and receive the information.

Had some friends many years ago and their only child (dtr) was a college student and died of a drug overdose.  The police dept left a message on their answering machine that their daughter 'had expired'.  They didn't know their daughter was a user.

This was 15 years ago and they haven't really gotten over the shock yet.

[Bonny]

I would keep the cell phone for a month or two and respond to whomever calls.

And place an obit.

51 is awfully young.

[simser]

As someone who has seen a lot of people casually...
Be prepared for reactions that think you're lying. Especially with no service, no plot, etc. I could see a couple weasely exes I've had try to "spare my feelings" by pretending they're dead (no one has, but it would be a good ploy if you really wanted to get away from them).
On the phone, send the obit, etc.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[muttleynfelix]

Sept 11, 2014 10:40:49 GMT -5 simser said:

As someone who has seen a lot of people casually...
Be prepared for reactions that think you're lying. Especially with no service, no plot, etc. I could see a couple weasely exes I've had try to "spare my feelings" by pretending they're dead (no one has, but it would be a good ploy if you really wanted to get away from them).
On the phone, send the obit, etc.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I never thought of that.  I'm not really involved in any of the ongoings of going through his stuff.  My "job" in all of this is to take care of our kids so that DH can help deal with everything.   It has been an insane week for sure. 

[Tiny]

I'd HATE to get a call that was vague and ended with "Please call me." Yeah, right, I'm gonna call you back. Not. My mind starts screaming "it's a trap!" Maybe it's because those kinds of calls from family and friends are always something bad - in they need something from me or they have some bad news of some sort. That whole vagueness is what fries my hide - not the fact that they want something/or have some not so good news.

If I had to receive a call as mentioned in the OP... I'd like it to be something like "Hi, I'm Suzy, Joe Smith's relative. I have some bad news. He past away on such and such a date. INSERT funeral/wake info here. If you'd like more info please feel free to call me at xyz. So sorry to leave bad news as a message."

This gives the person info... someone died (they can then look it up on line (obit) they can contact other people who knew him, they can call back for more info). Atleast the receiver of the message has something to work with.

It also gives them time to process the information.    I know when I get hit with bad news out of the blue I don't always SAY the right things right away... my mind becomes a whirling mess and I somehow loose control over what comes out of my mouth.   Being able to have a bit of time without needing an immediate response   gives me time to collect my thoughts and say the right stuff.    

[Artemis Windsong]

Keep the cell phone and answer all calls.  Kindly tell them that so and so passed away on this date.  We continue to use my late brother's cell phone contacts. 

My DF's family is/was so distant from each other that they don't call rellies when someone dies. 

[alabamagal]

I would not respond to someone I don't know saying "call me".

I also would be a little weary of answering a deceased person's phone.

I would do the current fashion in "breakups" and just text any callers and texters and tell them they the person passed away.

[kadee79]

Sept 11, 2014 11:29:15 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

I would not respond to someone I don't know saying "call me".

I also would be a little weary of answering a deceased person's phone.

I would do the current fashion in "breakups" and just text any callers and texters and tell them they the person passed away.

You are assuming that everyone has "text" ability on their phones. I don't!

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Sept 11, 2014 11:29:15 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

I would not respond to someone I don't know saying "call me".

I also would be a little weary of answering a deceased person's phone.

I would do the current fashion in "breakups" and just text any callers and texters and tell them they the person passed away.

If the phone call was a cold call, saying 'call me', I could see why you wouldn't call.  However, the OP said that the caller introduced themselves saying that they were the man's daughter.  IMO, that implies that there isn't something good going on, and I'd return the call.

Add me to the list that does not text.  And IMO just because the current fashion of break ups is via text, I think it's as bad as a post it.

[Deleted]

When my Dad's brother passed away last February my dad put a notice on his (the uncle's) Facebook page. It was just like an obit you would see in the paper with the promise of more info on the services to come. It was the perfect way to tell people that the uncle was closer to but the rest of us didn't know or didn't know well.

[goldensam]

Sept 11, 2014 11:29:15 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

I would not respond to someone I don't know saying "call me".

I also would be a little weary of answering a deceased person's phone.

I would do the current fashion in "breakups" and just text any callers and texters and tell them they the person passed away.

I much prefer texting over talking, however, my grandma has started this new habit of texting us when some random member of the family dies. For some reason, these really mess with me. I guess something about sitting in a meeting at work and getting a random death message. 

[greeniis10]

Sept 11, 2014 16:22:54 GMT -5 alwaysbeoptimizing said:

Sept 11, 2014 9:59:03 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Yes, I would want to know so I can stop calling.

Honestly, if I'm using someone for a good time or know them only casually, I don't know that I would go to the funeral.

Not dating, but crazy story that's a little similar.

I had dated a gal, but we broke up (amicably) and stayed in touch (chit-chatted every few months) since we were both still single and lived in different states.

I hadn't heard from her for awhile, so gave her a call. Cops answered the phone and started asking ME questions... she'd been murdered in her apartment!>!? EEK

that's the only person I've known who was a victim of violent crime and I hope it's the last. Super freaky.

Wow - good thing you were in a different state at the time!  They may have pursued you more, if not.  Did you ever find out who did it?

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I would not respond to someone I don't know saying "call me".":::...

Not only would I not respond, but the worry/what if of what they might have wanted would consume all my attention for weeks!

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2014 13:53:35 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"I would not respond to someone I don't know saying "call me".":::...

Not only would I not respond, but the worry/what if of what they might have wanted would consume all my attention for weeks!

If I got along well with the guy I would respond to a call from the daughter. Especially if he wasn't responding to my calls. At the least I would figure he was in the hospital.

[travelnut11]

Sept 11, 2014 10:40:49 GMT -5 simser said:

As someone who has seen a lot of people casually...
Be prepared for reactions that think you're lying. Especially with no service, no plot, etc. I could see a couple weasely exes I've had try to "spare my feelings" by pretending they're dead (no one has, but it would be a good ploy if you really wanted to get away from them).
On the phone, send the obit, etc.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Reminds me of this story of a guy who faked his own death to get out of his wedding:

www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/18/tucker-blandford_n_5688456.html

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

The daughter, when she called back the woman who was calling, coulda/woulda/shoulda said: This is XYZ's daughter. XYZ has passed away. No service is planned.

Anyone who doesn't believe someone has passed away, simply has to check Obit notices online by using their name and location - and date (or closest date known) of their death.

As for dating a player (and a broke drinker to boot), I guess if all you want from the relationship is to be taken out for a good time or have a roll in the sack now and then, it's ok for some.

I wouldn't waste time on some guy who's only in it "for the action" - and getting more action on the side. Shows them as thinking that no relationship or person is all that important to them.

[MJ2.0]

Sept 12, 2014 17:27:11 GMT -5 travelnut11 said:

Sept 11, 2014 10:40:49 GMT -5 simser said:

As someone who has seen a lot of people casually...
Be prepared for reactions that think you're lying. Especially with no service, no plot, etc. I could see a couple weasely exes I've had try to "spare my feelings" by pretending they're dead (no one has, but it would be a good ploy if you really wanted to get away from them).
On the phone, send the obit, etc.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Reminds me of this story of a guy who faked his own death to get out of his wedding:

www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/18/tucker-blandford_n_5688456.html

So I guess calling off the wedding wasn't an option?

[travelnut11]

Sept 12, 2014 17:57:18 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Sept 12, 2014 17:27:11 GMT -5 travelnut11 said:

Reminds me of this story of a guy who faked his own death to get out of his wedding:

www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/18/tucker-blandford_n_5688456.html

So I guess calling off the wedding wasn't an option?

Seems luck a much simpler solution doesn't it?