Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 31, 2014 16:52:32 GMT -5
It wasn't that hard. I skip lunch all the time. I figured he would survive it, lol.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 31, 2014 16:57:20 GMT -5
But there is a time when they have to OWN their own lives. And, as they get older, they have to OWN their choices and own the consequences.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 31, 2014 18:47:19 GMT -5
That's how you raise kids who take care of themselves.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 1, 2014 9:51:36 GMT -5
Couldn't have been too upsetting or the child would have remembered the check. Probably sat on the table where he ate breakfast. So he ate the cheese sandwich lunch given to those out of money. Not the end of the world.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 1, 2014 9:52:33 GMT -5
I think the best part is that he didnt blame Shooby but took responsibility himself.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 1, 2014 9:56:30 GMT -5
Nope, but I'd have no issue with a 5th grader either. My kids were just as bad but I worked at the elem school so the cafe lady would just tell me. So my kids never got the "almost out of lunch money" stamp on their hand. Which annoyed them immensely.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Sept 1, 2014 14:19:51 GMT -5
Yes! This is the way to parent. The problem is that so many of us can't help but feel the need to always be the safety net for our kids. No one wants to see their child suffer, but without the suffering lessons, we end up with grown children living in our basements. Shooby, how hard it must have been for you, knowing your child had gone without his lunch. I admire you for having the backbone to do it. Really? The same lesson can't be learned with a "sorry honey, getting the check into the school is important so pay more attention when its due so this doesn't happened again" vs "haha tough rocks"? Really curious on which part of the experience is thought to be the "learning" part? Being hungry due to forgetting something - or parental attitude? Not "tough rocks". Just facts: Don't forget the check and you won't miss lunch. Simple as that. Kid doesn't need sympathy--he will know he needs to pay more attention when he misses a meal or two. People can miss a meal or two and survive. Hunger is a great motivator for many things.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2014 14:39:00 GMT -5
Another example, but in coaching: my brother was on some HS team where they had to have their legs or knees taped before the game- sorry to be so vague, but when it comes to sports I don't pay much attention! Anyway, you were supposed to have the area shaved when you arrived. One kid had forgotten. The coach taped him up anyway, knowing that the kid was in for a lot of pain when it came time to rip off the tape. I bet he never forgot to shave again. You need to choose those life lessons carefully so that the consequences aren't dangerous, but I think that was a great lesson.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Sept 1, 2014 15:19:41 GMT -5
I'm guessing it was probably getting his ankles taped. But if that coach was actually doing that he really was an ass. Even back when I played the trainers used pre-wrap before putting the tape on. No way he should have been putting tape directly on skin like that.
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Mardi Gras Audrey
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Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Sept 1, 2014 15:41:54 GMT -5
Yes! This is the way to parent. The problem is that so many of us can't help but feel the need to always be the safety net for our kids. No one wants to see their child suffer, but without the suffering lessons, we end up with grown children living in our basements. Shooby, how hard it must have been for you, knowing your child had gone without his lunch. I admire you for having the backbone to do it. Really? The same lesson can't be learned with a "sorry honey, getting the check into the school is important so pay more attention when its due so this doesn't happened again" vs "haha tough rocks"? Really curious on which part of the experience is thought to be the "learning" part? Being hungry due to forgetting something - or parental attitude? Seriously? Going without a meal never killed anyone. Even in elementary school, let them miss the meal. No one dies from not eating lunch. Hell, I used to not eat lunch in elementary school because I was too picky to eat what lunch food my parents had (we didn't have much money so we had basic sandwich stuff and that was about it. We didn't have drinks to take with lunch... we had to walk from the lunch yard to the ****Drinking fountain*** for tap water! The horrors!!!). It didn't kill me to go without. I even got straight As and was at the top of my class. I learned that if you are hungry enough, you will eat what's available. If you want to be picky and only eat out for every meal, you go hungry or get off your a$$ and save some money.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 1, 2014 15:50:11 GMT -5
Well,more adventures in parenting. My son was being lazy in the morning. Me yelling for him to get out of bed. I had purchased him an alarm clock. He has a phone that has an alarm built into it. Finally, I had enough, I told him for the next week, I would go in and wake him up 2x, that was it. Then the following week, I would say "Get up" once. And, if you get up, fine if you don't, fine. Well, the one morning, he choose to keep snoozing. FInally he got up and said "I am late'. I said, yes, yes, you are. He missed the bus. ANd, it was the neighbor's turn to drive as we alternated. He wanted me to drive him to school. I said, Nope, you better get dressed and start hoofing it. The school is about a mile and an easy walk. They walk home all the time. Then, he stomped around and said that he just wouldn't go to school. And, I said, that's fine with me, but then I am taking all of your electronics and then you may spend the entire day with ME scrubbing the floors, doing laundry and cleaning the house. Next thing I know, I hear the door close and see him huffing off to school with his backpack, lol.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 1, 2014 15:59:08 GMT -5
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Sept 1, 2014 16:02:05 GMT -5
Dammit Pom,
I asked you not to post that picture of me anymore!
You'll be happy to know that I couldn't drive because I couldn't find the ignition...
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Sept 1, 2014 16:05:38 GMT -5
And here I was thinking you couldn't drive because your vision was obscured by concrete and you don't possess the dexterity to drive with one foot. Who knew?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 1, 2014 16:06:26 GMT -5
One real parenting failure was when my son was 5. I decided to take him to the local fair, they were having a rodeo. Anyway, I got out and he got out and slammed the door. Then I turned around and he was going "Mom, Mom!" and I realized I had slammed his little hand into the car door! Ack! Anyway, I quickly unlocked and opened the door and fortunately his tiny fingers were up against the rubber molding. His fingers were fine and he didn't even cry! I realized at that moment that he was/is one tough kid. He always was and still has a very high tolerance to things. He was fine but I spent the whole rodeo feeling mortified! He still reminds me of this today, lol.
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Sept 1, 2014 16:06:56 GMT -5
Of course I possess dexterity. Don't you see me practicing Irish yoga?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 1, 2014 16:09:53 GMT -5
Dammit Pom, I asked you not to post that picture of me anymore! You'll be happy to know that I couldn't drive because I couldn't find the ignition... LOL!! At least I wasn't trying to drive while intoxicated when I fell out of the back seat naked! You are such a loser!
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ohhkay2
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Post by ohhkay2 on Sept 1, 2014 16:10:09 GMT -5
Really? The same lesson can't be learned with a "sorry honey, getting the check into the school is important so pay more attention when its due so this doesn't happened again" vs "haha tough rocks"? Really curious on which part of the experience is thought to be the "learning" part? Being hungry due to forgetting something - or parental attitude? Not "tough rocks". Just facts: Don't forget the check and you won't miss lunch. Simple as that. Kid doesn't need sympathy--he will know he needs to pay more attention when he misses a meal or two. People can miss a meal or two and survive. Hunger is a great motivator for many things. Some times natural consequences don't work, no matter how many times the person has to suffer because of their mistakes. I did things like that all the time growing up. Forgetting things and losing things (mainly my cellphone and DLs when I got it) were my mom's biggest pet peeves. She pretty much just assumed that I was irresponsible and didn't take care of things and that I would grow out of it (when I had to pay for replacements myself). I really wish she would have looked further into it than that. At 25 I'm not that much different. I am 100% responsible for all of my mishaps, but it hasn't really changed anything. I'm forever running late, always speeding (driving), I get tickets, I lose them (and it's a million times harder to handle then), I procrastinate for pretty much everything and it stresses me out staying up to 3/4am trying to complete work I should have done at work, I lose my cell phone on avg 2 times a year, and I'm really disorganized. In college it didn't really matter if I wrote all my papers a few hours before they were due or skipped class a lot because I was going to be late - I still managed to get good grades. At work? Not so much, one of my supervisors noticed how distracted I get at work (which is why I finish stuff at home) and suggested I get help. I have ADHD, and I had no idea. And it's funny because no one I've told has been at all surprised. Blonde, ditz, spaz, space cadet, lazy, irresponsible, immature, scatterbrain? All labels I've gotten and internalized for most of my life. When I'd forget something and have to let others know, I'd always get super frustrated at myself and their disappointment/judgment never helped. I always felt that I was failing at something because I was never as "together" as everyone around me. I found people who accepted that about me, but being diagnosed as a child/teen would have completely changed my life. All that to say, if someone keeps suffering and suffering due to their choices and still doesn't change, there might be more to it. I learned how to adapt so it never really had a negative impact on anything but my stress levels and relationships with others. IF it hadn't been caught when it was I could definitely see changing jobs ever 2-3 years due to performance, crazy stress levels, depression, and either becoming a hermit or moving back home - and that kind of scares me.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Sept 1, 2014 16:11:10 GMT -5
Is that what it is? My first thought was that the photographer caught you between push-ups, but then I realized that the car door would make that difficult. (And that you likely have a completely different meaning for push-up than I do....)
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 1, 2014 16:20:13 GMT -5
Not "tough rocks". Just facts: Don't forget the check and you won't miss lunch. Simple as that. Kid doesn't need sympathy--he will know he needs to pay more attention when he misses a meal or two. People can miss a meal or two and survive. Hunger is a great motivator for many things. Some times natural consequences don't work, no matter how many times the person has to suffer because of their mistakes. I did things like that all the time growing up. Forgetting things and losing things (mainly my cellphone and DLs when I got it) were my mom's biggest pet peeves. She pretty much just assumed that I was irresponsible and didn't take care of things and that I would grow out of it (when I had to pay for replacements myself). I really wish she would have looked further into it than that. At 25 I'm not that much different. I am 100% responsible for all of my mishaps, but it hasn't really changed anything. I'm forever running late, always speeding (driving), I get tickets, I lose them (and it's a million times harder to handle then), I procrastinate for pretty much everything and it stresses me out staying up to 3/4am trying to complete work I should have done at work, I lose my cell phone on avg 2 times a year, and I'm really disorganized. In college it didn't really matter if I wrote all my papers a few hours before they were due or skipped class a lot because I was going to be late - I still managed to get good grades. At work? Not so much, one of my supervisors noticed how distracted I get at work (which is why I finish stuff at home) and suggested I get help. I have ADHD, and I had no idea. And it's funny because no one I've told has been at all surprised. Blonde, ditz, spaz, space cadet, lazy, irresponsible, immature, scatterbrain? All labels I've gotten and internalized for most of my life. When I'd forget something and have to let others know, I'd always get super frustrated at myself and their disappointment/judgment never helped. I always felt that I was failing at something because I was never as "together" as everyone around me. I found people who accepted that about me, but being diagnosed as a child/teen would have completely changed my life. All that to say, if someone keeps suffering and suffering due to their choices and still doesn't change, there might be more to it. I learned how to adapt so it never really had a negative impact on anything but my stress levels and relationships with others. IF it hadn't been caught when it was I could definitely see changing jobs ever 2-3 years due to performance, crazy stress levels, depression, and either becoming a hermit or moving back home - and that kind of scares me. Yes, but you then have to learn to work with what is your reality because ultimately you and only you are going to suffer the natural consequences. And that is kind of the point. I had to teach my son that there are natural consequences. And, if yes, we can work to figure out the "WHY". In fact, I did have him tested for ADHD. We sat down and had many discussions of how can we help YOU get organized. Help us gain insight into what the issues might be. However, he also had no problem remembering when football practice was. No problem showing up on time for the things that he enjoyed or that were important to him. And, he even admitted that in many cases he just simply choose to not do whatever was required of him. And, we have spent many years teaching him that in life, you have to do what you don't want to do in order to be able to do what you do what you do want to do. And, if you know that you have issues with ADHD, then you do the best you can to orchestrate your life in a way that will work for you. It doesn't have to be someone else's way. Just your way.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Sept 1, 2014 16:23:07 GMT -5
Not "tough rocks". Just facts: Don't forget the check and you won't miss lunch. Simple as that. Kid doesn't need sympathy--he will know he needs to pay more attention when he misses a meal or two. People can miss a meal or two and survive. Hunger is a great motivator for many things. Some times natural consequences don't work, no matter how many times the person has to suffer because of their mistakes. I did things like that all the time growing up. Forgetting things and losing things (mainly my cellphone and DLs when I got it) were my mom's biggest pet peeves. She pretty much just assumed that I was irresponsible and didn't take care of things and that I would grow out of it (when I had to pay for replacements myself). I really wish she would have looked further into it than that. At 25 I'm not that much different. I am 100% responsible for all of my mishaps, but it hasn't really changed anything. I'm forever running late, always speeding (driving), I get tickets, I lose them (and it's a million times harder to handle then), I procrastinate for pretty much everything and it stresses me out staying up to 3/4am trying to complete work I should have done at work, I lose my cell phone on avg 2 times a year, and I'm really disorganized. In college it didn't really matter if I wrote all my papers a few hours before they were due or skipped class a lot because I was going to be late - I still managed to get good grades. At work? Not so much, one of my supervisors noticed how distracted I get at work (which is why I finish stuff at home) and suggested I get help. I have ADHD, and I had no idea. And it's funny because no one I've told has been at all surprised. Blonde, ditz, spaz, space cadet, lazy, irresponsible, immature, scatterbrain? All labels I've gotten and internalized for most of my life. When I'd forget something and have to let others know, I'd always get super frustrated at myself and their disappointment/judgment never helped. I always felt that I was failing at something because I was never as "together" as everyone around me. I found people who accepted that about me, but being diagnosed as a child/teen would have completely changed my life. All that to say, if someone keeps suffering and suffering due to their choices and still doesn't change, there might be more to it. I learned how to adapt so it never really had a negative impact on anything but my stress levels and relationships with others. IF it hadn't been caught when it was I could definitely see changing jobs ever 2-3 years due to performance, crazy stress levels, depression, and either becoming a hermit or moving back home - and that kind of scares me. That may be true. If it keeps happening and keeps happening, it may need to be looked into. Most times, though, all it takes is a couple times for kids to get the idea. When my kids were in elementary school (grades 1--6), I supervised them each evening with laying out clothes for the next day and putting their backpacks, etc, by the door so that everything they needed for the next day would be all together by the door. When they hit middle school onward, it was up to them. There were one or two instances of forgotten homework or lunch money, but very few. My older son missed a field trip because he did not return the permission slip and had to sit in study hall. Neither of the kids complained about unpleasant consequences, if any. They do not have ADHD, though. I understand that can be tough. I hope you will be able to get enough help that your life can be brought under better control so it is not so stressful.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2014 16:35:46 GMT -5
I'm guessing it was probably getting his ankles taped. But if that coach was actually doing that he really was an ass. Even back when I played the trainers used pre-wrap before putting the tape on. No way he should have been putting tape directly on skin like that. My brother is 54 so it was awhile ago.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Sept 1, 2014 16:48:24 GMT -5
I'm guessing it was probably getting his ankles taped. But if that coach was actually doing that he really was an ass. Even back when I played the trainers used pre-wrap before putting the tape on. No way he should have been putting tape directly on skin like that. My brother is 54 so it was awhile ago.
You notice where I said, "Even back when I played...." It was a while ago too....
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 1, 2014 19:05:09 GMT -5
Yep . My tone was of " you own your behavior, enjoy". If that offends you , don't care.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Sept 1, 2014 19:46:28 GMT -5
Logical consequences. Say they fight you when you want them to put on a jacket. Oh well, not worth the fight...they will be cold and next time will take the jacket. Don't bring dirty clothes to the laundry room? Then things do not get washed and folded. One time of searching for that favorite shirt in a pile of smelly laundry will have Jr. bringing the pile to the laundry room. Some things are difficult to watch when you know there will be consequences, but it is truly how children learn. Took me many years and 3 kids to really get good at it!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Sept 1, 2014 20:36:13 GMT -5
Well,more adventures in parenting. My son was being lazy in the morning. Me yelling for him to get out of bed. I had purchased him an alarm clock. He has a phone that has an alarm built into it. Finally, I had enough, I told him for the next week, I would go in and wake him up 2x, that was it. Then the following week, I would say "Get up" once. And, if you get up, fine if you don't, fine. Well, the one morning, he choose to keep snoozing. FInally he got up and said "I am late'. I said, yes, yes, you are. He missed the bus. ANd, it was the neighbor's turn to drive as we alternated. He wanted me to drive him to school. I said, Nope, you better get dressed and start hoofing it. The school is about a mile and an easy walk. They walk home all the time. Then, he stomped around and said that he just wouldn't go to school. And, I said, that's fine with me, but then I am taking all of your electronics and then you may spend the entire day with ME scrubbing the floors, doing laundry and cleaning the house. Next thing I know, I hear the door close and see him huffing off to school with his backpack, lol. I did this last week, except it was calling the kids for breakfast. We were low on the "good" food in the house. I gave DS 2 warnings, 10 minute, 5 minute, then I asked him to come to the table. He didn't. His sister did. She got the "good" breakfast food (there was only one bagel left in the house) because she listened. He finally decided to have breakfast after DD1 was done eating. He was less than thrilled with his choices. I said "oh well, maybe you'll listen next time." Though, I don't use housework as a punishment. I was raised with that notion, that housework was punishment. It took me a while to get over that. Talking is nice and all, but sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes it takes a little pain (like having to eat the "bad" food) to get the point across. I suspect my DS also has ADD, just like I suspect I do. We work with him to make lists, try to help him be organized, and we do help remind him, but I don't think it also excuses him. I also don't think his disorganization excuses him from selective listening. IMVHO, those are two separate issues.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 1, 2014 20:49:19 GMT -5
The real punishment would not have been the house work but of spending the day with me ! Lol.
As for housework , sorry no princes or queens live here so every family member us required to help. And no they don't get paid for chores either. Caring for the home is everyone's responsibility.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 2, 2014 10:16:44 GMT -5
Same with my two sisters and me. Two of us are fine. The middle one, my parents had to buy a house for--just as described in the OP. I haven't read all the responses yet but this is the part that confuses me about these stories. Your parents "had to" buy her a house? Why? Who put a gun to their head and forced them to do it? It's one thing if a child CAN'T work - is disabled or otherwise in bad shape. Most parents would help out in that situation. But the situations described here are of children who WON'T work. There is no way in hell I would ever support any able-bodied adult child of mine to the extent that I was actually paying for their housing in that scenario. I get that it's dicey when there are kids involved but my personal solution would be, "Hey, I'm not paying for your place and you can't live with me. Your kids can live with me until you figure something else out, but not you." I'm just not comprehending the part where the parents are "forced" to do anything. You're an adult, your kid is an adult. You don't have to do shit and it's probably best for them if you don't.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 2, 2014 10:19:35 GMT -5
I think a lot depends on the mindset of the parent. As was said, in an "I led them to water, they just didn't drink" situation, a parent might be able to wash his/her hands. But its probably seldom that simple or straightforward. Of course I also think it is a fallacy to assume that everyone is going to succeed. Then tough luck to you. If you've been given the tools to succeed and you piss them away, well, Darwin to you.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 2, 2014 10:23:24 GMT -5
He was a JR or Sr btw not elementary. That does make a difference! I was envisioning a 5th grader! I might have done what Shooby did to a fifth grader. Not a first grader - that's too young - but fifth grade isn't too young to start taking some responsibility and learning to remember things that are important. I remember midjd telling a story about how her mom absolutely flat-out refused to EVER bring anything to school if she forgot it - homework, lunch, whatever. And how she lightened up later on her younger siblings... but to this day, Mid is super careful about making sure she has everything with her in the morning and her mom is still running things to her brother, now an adult in college IIRC (sorry if I got any of that wrong, Mid!). Most of the time, "painful but natural" consequences at an early age help you learn the best.
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