Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 11:41:44 GMT -5
Be prepared - you working full-time all week, having BB full-time and then wanting to fly back-and-forth every weekend is exhausting!
Oh hellz to the no, DH would be the one flying back and forth if we did it that way And yes, it would suck. It wouldn't even really be possible if I were still working in SF. The fact that I'm now working ten minutes from home makes it at least a possibility.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 11:42:30 GMT -5
If we have to keep our apartment because I have BB full time, I don't see weekly flights being possible anymore. It would be once or twice a month, so that's more suck.
About to go into a string of meetings so talk amongst yourselves and I'll check back in when I can.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Aug 26, 2014 11:44:44 GMT -5
Do you know if there are lots of job opportunities for you in Washington? Have you started applying? It could be that you find something even better for your career there.
I haven't started looking yet, no. Mentally I've been putting us in Washington next year so it doesn't matter right now. I guess I can take a look tonight. I just really don't want to leave this job (and I think it's very unlikely I'll get hired as a PM anywhere else with barely 3 months of experience in this job... a year's experience makes that much more plausible). That makes sense. However, it will depend on the type of PM that you are, as some types you really need experience and others you don't need nearly as much. I didn't realize you had only been a PM for only a few months, it would be better to have a couple of years experience.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Aug 26, 2014 11:45:45 GMT -5
If DH can get a transfer at any time, maybe this recent opportunity isn't worth the costs? Yeah, maybe he wouldn't have the perfect location if you wait until spring, but considering the whole situation it may still end up being the best solution. Just a thought.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Aug 26, 2014 11:49:37 GMT -5
DH and I lived apart from April-August of last year. He got a job with the company he wanted in with, but it was across the state (we live in PA, so it was a long drive - 4.5 hours away). He rented an apartment down there while I stayed at our house with our 4 dogs. He drove home on the weekends because it wasn't feasible for me to leave the dogs all the time.
My brother and SIL just did a year of living apart - her in AZ working and him in CO working. I think one of them flew to the other's every two weeks. But also no kids involved. She couldn't get a job in CO because of some requirements she didn't know about until after graduating, so they made the decision for her to live with relatives in AZ.
It sucked for DH and I, and DB and SIL, but it was okay and didn't last forever. We didn't have DD then though, so that is something else to worry about. I personally would not do one week each - DD is only 2 months old and gets messed up when we just go somewhere for the day instead of sticking to our routine at home.
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Aug 26, 2014 12:05:07 GMT -5
Our troops on deployment comes to mind as I read this thread. I have to agree this scenario hits home with me. As a dual retired military couple, I have a lot of personal experience in this area, and have witnessed many others (both good and bad) in the same situations.
I could probably type for hours and bore everyone with my thoughts/experiences/observations, but I will instead try to highlight two initial thoughts that came to mind:
FIRST: You and DH need to be in agreement that the sacrifices you make in the short term are worth it for the long term. Because sometimes being so far apart will suck. If either one of you starts becoming resentful, it could cause tremendous damage to your relationship and family. If you are sure you can go through the tough times without putting "guilt" on the other partner you can come out much stronger in the end. There is nothing worse than being too far away to help when the family needs you, especially if your partner starts insinuating it is "your fault" for not being there to help.
SECOND: Babybird will absolutely take her cues from you, and you have a great influence on if the family separation is seen as "negative" to her. I'm not sure her age, but it is up to YOU to make sure she realizes Daddy moved to take a job that is best for the family. That he loves her and you, and that you are so proud of what a great dad and great man he is. If you support what he is doing, it is a family decision. If you are sad and stressed that he is gone, and seem overwhelmed and angry at him, Babybird will pick up on that and be anxious as well. Keep your thoughts, words, and actions positive, and she will be proud of him, accept the situation and (depending on her age) not even remember he had to live away for a period of time when she was young.
I can say, without reservation, that a long distance marriage can work -- but you and DH have to MAKE it work. Good luck to you and your DH as you make your decision, and once you make that decision, be confident! Your family will be great no matter what you decide.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Aug 26, 2014 12:56:23 GMT -5
I would try to take as much vacation each as you can get and plan long holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas to be a week each. Make at least one three day weekend a month to be family time. Maybe once or twice you can meet in the middle say Oregon for Easter on the beach. It is almost September now June is only 9 months away so you only need about 9-18 visits including a few longer visits. If he comes home for a weekend once a month and you visit him 3-4 times to check out your new home and do job interviews it will be over before you know it. You can rent a uhaul trailer or truck for Easter Weekend to start hauling your excess stuff like Christmas ornaments to make your move easier or hire a mover to send it all to him when he has a spot for family. You could keep your place until Jan 1 then move in with family until June and have him find a home for you January or February so you can get your stuff mostly moved, put in storage for a month or two if family doesn't have space for your stuff. Time to toss anything not worth moving and use up chemicals you can't get movers to move chemicals so will want to give them to family. Chemicals can be things like ant poison or motor oil and degreaser, so stop buying and start using up or plan to move them by car.
The drive isn't bad you can get from LA to Seattle in 24 hours so if you had say a week for Christmas you could drive up with BB and a car full of stuff and leave the car here fly home to get an extra car moved if you have an extra car to move.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 26, 2014 13:25:25 GMT -5
Here are some thoughts I have:
1) Make room in your budget to hire extra help if you don't already have it: housecleaner, mother's helper, pay someone to deliver groceries, maybe even cook a few meals for you a week, laundry service, whatever.
2) I'd start looking around at jobs, now. Can you start networking? You need to understand the implications of the move on your career, particularly since you are the higher wage earner.
3) Have you and your husband talked to his family and have they all assured you and DH that they will house your DH (and potentially all of you) for however long you will need?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2014 13:32:10 GMT -5
Here are some thoughts I have: 1) Make room in your budget to hire extra help if you don't already have it: housecleaner, mother's helper, pay someone to deliver groceries, maybe even cook a few meals for you a week, laundry service, whatever. 2) I'd start looking around at jobs, now. Can you start networking? You need to understand the implications of the move on your career, particularly since you are the higher wage earner. 3) Have you and your husband talked to his family and have they all assured you and DH that they will house your DH (and potentially all of you) for however long you will need? she's got one kid.....I really don't think she's going to fall apart being the only caregiver (plus her mom lives across the street, right?)
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Aug 26, 2014 14:09:24 GMT -5
Here are some thoughts I have: 1) Make room in your budget to hire extra help if you don't already have it: housecleaner, mother's helper, pay someone to deliver groceries, maybe even cook a few meals for you a week, laundry service, whatever. 2) I'd start looking around at jobs, now. Can you start networking? You need to understand the implications of the move on your career, particularly since you are the higher wage earner. 3) Have you and your husband talked to his family and have they all assured you and DH that they will house your DH (and potentially all of you) for however long you will need? she's got one kid.....I really don't think she's going to fall apart being the only caregiver (plus her mom lives across the street, right?) That is DQ, I don't think FB's mom lives across the street. But, she does have family in the area. But, I do agree unless she is working way over 40 hours/wk it shouldn't be that hard to pick up the slack. Especially since the house probably won't get dirty as fast, there will be way less laundry, etc. I am a big fan of grocery delivery though. $12 & it takes me 10 minutes to complete an order on the internet. They even carry it into my house. Saves me a couple hours of piling kids into the car, driving to the store, wandering around the store (likely with at least one kid cranky), dealing with crowds, waiting in line, loading car, driving home, unloading car. Totally worth $12 IMO.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Aug 26, 2014 14:18:35 GMT -5
Firebird, What kind of job do you have? What's the pay? Have you checked out housing costs in Seattle? I think they are very similar to the SF Bay Area. If you have to stay until June I'd plan on monthly visits vs weekly. And even that going to be expensive. Housing probably similar. BUT, BUT, BUT, we have an AWESOME 0% state income tax.
"It's a celebration B-words, enjoy yourselves!" - Dave Chappell
I moved back to WA BECAUSE of the lack of state income tax 8% on a couple hundred grand a year aint small taters.
LOL, but then you have that nasty double-digit sales tax! I see all you Washingtonians driving over the border to OR to shop with 0% sales tax and crowding out the locals!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 14:43:43 GMT -5
It sucks that we have to make this decision so quickly. I would like a little more time but DH has to basically decide by tomorrow if he's taking the job and he would need to start within a month. If DH can get a transfer at any time, maybe this recent opportunity isn't worth the costs?
If he could get a transfer "at any time," we wouldn't be considering this. We'd just wait until my contract was up and THEN move together as a family. Opportunities for his specific job in the specific area to which we hope to move do not come around every day. It is, of course, POSSIBLE that an opportunity could come up at the exact time we need it (or much closer) but we just don't have that guarantee. DH and I both think it would be better to jump now while it's an option. It sucked for DH and I, and DB and SIL, but it was okay and didn't last forever steph08, I think if we didn't have Babybird this would be a no-brainer. The idea of being a single parent for nine months scares me. How did you and DH and your B&SIL keep the relationship strong while you were apart? FIRST: You and DH need to be in agreement that the sacrifices you make in the short term are worth it for the long term. Because sometimes being so far apart will suck.
Very excellent point. I'm not sure about this one. If you are sad and stressed that he is gone, and seem overwhelmed and angry at him, Babybird will pick up on that and be anxious as well.
This is also a good consideration for me. No doubt about it, I will be stressed and sad with him gone and it will be hard for me to hide that. Thanks. (She's almost 2, by the way.) You could keep your place until Jan 1 then move in with family until June and have him find a home for you January or February so you can get your stuff mostly moved, put in storage for a month or two if family doesn't have space for your stuff.
That's actually an excellent idea and probably how we'll do it. More in a minute...
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 14:49:41 GMT -5
2) I'd start looking around at jobs, now. Can you start networking? You need to understand the implications of the move on your career, particularly since you are the higher wage earner.
I suppose I'd have to start looking but I'm really reluctant to leave this position for anything less than stellar. I just don't see it happening with, again, less than 3 months of experience in this new role. More than likely I'd be looking at some random admin role and I've worked very hard in the last two years to move away from that.
Keeping my family together is important, but so is my career. I don't want to move backwards at this point when I could suck it up for nine more (crappy) months and then continue moving forward.
3) Have you and your husband talked to his family and have they all assured you and DH that they will house your DH (and potentially all of you) for however long you will need?
I'm sure they'll put up DH. Not worried about that. And when Babybird and I join him we'll get our own place.
He can use the time he doesn't have to be home in the evenings and on weekends to look for a place for us.
she's got one kid.....I really don't think she's going to fall apart being the only caregiver (plus her mom lives across the street, right?)
Yes, my parents live across the street which is obviously very convenient and will help tremendously if we do this. I talked to my mom during lunch and she's more than willing to step up and help (even more than she already does, which is a lot).
What I may do is try to get an additional weekly daycare slot. Currently Babybird is with her 2.5 days a week and in (three different) daycares 2.5 days a week. If I can get another daycare day, it would lighten the load during the week and my mom would be able to help me more on weekends.
I'll have to look into grocery delivery. That's something DH does now and he usually takes Babybird (I do all the big weekly cleaning chores while they're gone).
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Aug 26, 2014 14:51:25 GMT -5
It sucked for DH and I, and DB and SIL, but it was okay and didn't last forever steph08, I think if we didn't have Babybird this would be a no-brainer. The idea of being a single parent for nine months scares me. How did you and DH and your B&SIL keep the relationship strong while you were apart?
Talking/texting/Skype helps a lot. I also saw DH every weekend and DB/SIL saw each other every other weekend. I think you just have to keep in mind that it is a short term situation that will get you were you want to be in the long run. DH is much happier and we are in a better position now because he took that job far away. Same for DB/SIL.
I wouldn't want to do it now with the baby, but I think I could do it. If you do move in with your parents then, you would have a lot of extra hands around to help out.
I know animals and babies aren't comparable, but I did take care of our four dogs when DH was gone. That was a chore because I was gone for 10 hours a day for work. So every evening was basically spent outside playing and wearing them out.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 14:52:21 GMT -5
I could probably type for hours and bore everyone with my thoughts/experiences/observations...
I wouldn't mind hearing more of those from you, vonna (Or anyone else who's been through this... I'm going to need marriage survival tips!)
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 15:00:03 GMT -5
I wouldn't want to do it now with the baby, but I think I could do it. If you do move in with your parents then, you would have a lot of extra hands around to help out.
I'm not moving in with my parents, especially since we do live across the street. We definitely need to keep our place if Babybird is going to stay with me for nine months. My parents' house is exactly the same size as ours, ~900 sf. In our house, couple + baby/kid = crowded but doable, couple + baby/kid + another adult = zero privacy ever and everything sucks. My parents are great people but I doubt they'd be willing to do that and I would not ask it of them unless we had no choice. We're all introverts. We need our space.
I'm really, really torn. On the one hand, I love the idea of finally gaining some traction toward MOVING, which we've been trying to do for years now. On the other hand, I'm not sure I can really stomach nine months of living apart from DH. As I've mentioned before, we're not super social people. DH is like 70% of my support network (and I'm probably like 85-90% of his).
We're going to discuss more when we both get home tonight. I'm really not sure which way this will go.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 15:13:08 GMT -5
So my dad just proposed an interesting idea.... Babybird, DH and I all move together and I would commute here during the week.
That would be a full-on nightmare logistically, but it might work better for our family. I'll have to think about it, and this one would depend on whether we could live with DH's family while we found a place.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2014 15:17:27 GMT -5
So my dad just proposed an interesting idea.... Babybird, DH and I all move together and I would commute here during the week. That would be a full-on nightmare logistically, but it might work better for our family. I'll have to think about it, and this one would depend on whether we could live with DH's family while we found a place. My aunt that lives next door to me (in southern MN) works in NJ. She flies out every Monday morning and comes back every Friday night (sometimes she stays two weeks before coming back). She's been doing that for almost a year, and I hardly notice. Granted, I'm not her husband, but I still see her almost every weekend. I couldn't do that option though. I couldn't be away from my kids that much. I know. Double standard since we're saying to let your husband just see them on weekends, but I personally would not be able to. It would drive me bonkers.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 26, 2014 15:21:35 GMT -5
Your original plan wouldn't work for me. It's only 9 months, less if he starts at the end of September. Plan for him to come visit every other weekend, plan for him to take a long weekend in November, plan for him to take a week off around the Holidays/December, plan for him to take a week off in the Spring. June will be here before you know it.
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Aug 26, 2014 15:24:30 GMT -5
So my dad just proposed an interesting idea.... Babybird, DH and I all move together and I would commute here during the week. That would be a full-on nightmare logistically, but it might work better for our family. I'll have to think about it, and this one would depend on whether we could live with DH's family while we found a place. Could you do a hybrid of the ideas? Your DH moves first and when things are a little more settled - say after he's been there a month or two then you and Babybird join him?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 15:24:36 GMT -5
I'd be much more comfortable with that. The living-with-family-for-months would have its downfalls, but a) we'd be together, and b) Babybird would get tons of time with her cousins (part of the reason we're moving there).
We might not save much money with the flights but we should save some.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2014 15:25:16 GMT -5
2) I'd start looking around at jobs, now. Can you start networking? You need to understand the implications of the move on your career, particularly since you are the higher wage earner.
I suppose I'd have to start looking but I'm really reluctant to leave this position for anything less than stellar. I just don't see it happening with, again, less than 3 months of experience in this new role. More than likely I'd be looking at some random admin role and I've worked very hard in the last two years to move away from that. Keeping my family together is important, but so is my career. I don't want to move backwards at this point when I could suck it up for nine more (crappy) months and then continue moving forward. 3) Have you and your husband talked to his family and have they all assured you and DH that they will house your DH (and potentially all of you) for however long you will need?
I'm sure they'll put up DH. Not worried about that. And when Babybird and I join him we'll get our own place. He can use the time he doesn't have to be home in the evenings and on weekends to look for a place for us. she's got one kid.....I really don't think she's going to fall apart being the only caregiver (plus her mom lives across the street, right?)
Yes, my parents live across the street which is obviously very convenient and will help tremendously if we do this. I talked to my mom during lunch and she's more than willing to step up and help (even more than she already does, which is a lot). What I may do is try to get an additional weekly daycare slot. Currently Babybird is with her 2.5 days a week and in (three different) daycares 2.5 days a week. If I can get another daycare day, it would lighten the load during the week and my mom would be able to help me more on weekends. I'll have to look into grocery delivery. That's something DH does now and he usually takes Babybird (I do all the big weekly cleaning chores while they're gone). if you do this, I would pick one daycare to use everyday. I can't imagine trying to remember what day it is and where to go. and I started single parenting when mine were 2, 5 and 7 and no family help. I really think this isn't something that should even be on your radar of things to worry about.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 15:28:14 GMT -5
Could you do a hybrid of the ideas? Your DH moves first and when things are a little more settled - say after he's been there a month or two then you and Babybird join him?
I was just thinking this, actually. I could manage the single parent thing MUCH more easily if I knew it was only for, say, three months.
Our lease is supposed to run out in January anyway (we were planning to go month to month until June). With all the holidays coming up, we can squeeze a lot of visits into the next few months and maybe we can join DH after that.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 26, 2014 15:33:24 GMT -5
taz157 And her husband did the long distance thing for a few months when her DD was young. Hopefully she'll pop in and talk about it.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 26, 2014 15:34:54 GMT -5
Military families deal with this all the time. 9 months will feel like an eternity while you're going through it, and will be done and over before you know it in hindsight. You guys have been wanting to move for quite a while, and this sounds like a great opportunity. I'd lean towards taking it. Don't get me wrong, 4.5 months in you're going to hate it. Like, wonder why the fuck you ever thought it was a good idea and if your marriage is going to survive at all level of hate it. However, you'll get through it, and you'll definitely be ready to bite the bullet and move at the end.
The first couple months will be the hardest. After that you adjust. The last month will seem the longest. The couple days before it ends will be scary as hell. You'll wonder how you'll adjust to living together again. You'll be used to your routine without him. You'll both wonder how Babybird will react to him living with you again. The day after you and Babybird get up there all the anxiety will disappear. Or, the time apart will make you realize you aren't meant for each other, and this will kill your marriage. I really don't see that happening for you guys though. The military families I know that went that way you could see it coming a mile away. Strong marriages don't break over this kind of thing, the separation gives time for both halves of not so great marriages to reflect on all the dysfunction and discover themselves outside the marriage.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 15:37:14 GMT -5
if you do this, I would pick one daycare to use everyday. I can't imagine trying to remember what day it is and where to go.
We already have three and it works okay. The only thing I might change is that one of her daycares (my least favorite) is five minutes from DH's work but really far from mine and totally out of the way. Dropping her off there and picking her up would put me smack in rush hour traffic.
and I started single parenting when mine were 2, 5 and 7 and no family help. I really think this isn't something that should even be on your radar of things to worry about.
WOW!!! Compared to what you did, yes, this would be a piece of cake. Single parents are kind of like folk heroes to me. It's difficult to imagine myself doing it (obviously if I HAD to then I would make it work like everyone else but this isn't a situation where I have no choice).
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Aug 26, 2014 15:39:45 GMT -5
Yay come to Seattle and be my BFF and our kids can be BFFs.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 15:41:25 GMT -5
Hold up - you're in Seattle, HoneyBBQ?!?! How did I not know that??
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 26, 2014 15:49:23 GMT -5
Booo! Move down to the south bay. Cheaper housing, cheaper daycare, and you guys can come over and brew beer with us. Or come over for Doctor Who marathons, watching weird British TV shows, etc. Not too often though, cause we're introverts too. The girls can babysit Babybird. The younger one will teach her to build robots, and the older one will teach her to use a graphics tablet and Photoshop. When she's older obviously. Right now she can play with our Lincoln Logs and collection of vintage My Little Ponies.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 26, 2014 16:31:16 GMT -5
This is awesome! Instant friends. (Another part of the reason we're moving to Washington is the friends and family )
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