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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 7:30:31 GMT -5
Did you ever decide you had to a friend? What made you decide? I had been friends with someone for 40 years, through thick and thin. A few years ago she started fooling around with a married man. When this was going on she was so busy, she forgot about her friends. Married man got divorced and married friend. When we have plans for the "girls", she wants to bring husband with. We quit inviting friend because she basically ignored us or wanted to bring her husband with. Now she is mad because she never gets invited along. WTF?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 23, 2014 9:03:38 GMT -5
I don't know. Why does someone have to be formally "ditched"? I mean, sure, there are times when you have to distance yourself and maybe this is one of those times. But, do you really need to say "Friend of 40 years, I now ditch you"? Don't friends go through ups and downs and yeah, sometimes people act like real aholes and hopefully in time, this will work itself out. But, now she is married and I don't see why it would be a problem to include him if she is truly your friend? But, of course if you just want girls time, then set aside some girls only time. However, friendships are entirely voluntary and if you think it is over, that is up to you. But over the course of 40 yrs, I am sure you have been through a lot together and if you reflect, maybe there were times she was there for you when you were less than your best.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 9:08:57 GMT -5
40 years... I'd stop and think. But as a wise woman told me "you can't take everyone with you on your journey through life".
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 9:46:18 GMT -5
Once a month a group of girlfriends get together after work for a couple of drinks and dinner. No biggy, there's five of us at the most. She has NEVER made it to that. Maybe twice a year we go on out-of-town day trips, usually to a craft show or spa or something "girly". She wants to bring her husband. It's not like we do a lot of girl things. We quit inviting her. Now she is mad. She NEVER went since she met her current man three years ago. I won't totally ditch her because we have history, but I will put her on the back burner.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Aug 23, 2014 10:03:29 GMT -5
Could it be, because of how they started their relationship, that maybe it's a trust issue? He insists on going with her, because he doesn't trust her, so that's why she asks to bring him? Or she doesn't trust him to leave him behind, so if he can't go, she won't go?
Like Shooby said, I don't know if I'd "officially" ditch her, 40 years is a long time, but yeah, I'd put her more on the back-burner, hoping she'll come to her senses eventually.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 23, 2014 11:05:34 GMT -5
Are you sure that her new husband isn't trying to control her actions? Any chance that if she met you for drinks shed get grief at home, and he invited himself to your weekend?
Like others said, throwing away a 40 year friendship would make me pause more than once, particularly if this is not her normal personality.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 23, 2014 12:03:37 GMT -5
I found a great way to ditch a friend. Call animal control on his dog and tell them his dog has attacked multiple times.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Aug 23, 2014 13:29:21 GMT -5
LOL! I like the idea of her husband at 'girls night or weekend trip' - He can be your "chaperone" and make sure everything works ok - he can carry the bags when you all go shopping, he can be the designated driver/chauffeur, when the Host/Hostess at the fancy restaurant gives you grief about there not being a table (as they look down their nose at you) he can be your Sheik and "demand" a table (that one over there) for himself and his Harem. As long as he's there he can make himself useful. FWIW: every now and then - a friends husband joins us girls on a trip (we've known each other for 30 plus years) and he proudly accepts the above responsibilities for his Harem - he's been doing it since HS. The "groups' on this kind of trip are a bit fluid... the married couple may do something together, our Guy may do something by himself (stop at the bar and watch the game), us girls will do girly things together. It works out. I suspect that inviting the couple AND maybe making some minor changes to your overall plans (like having a specific everyone activity and 'girls only activity' would work.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Aug 23, 2014 13:42:12 GMT -5
I've recently decided to ditch a friend. Similar situation as the OP described.
She got a boyfriend and suddenly had no time to call or return emails. He convinced her to join his cell phone plan which required a new phone. But, she didn't set up her voice mail so no one could leave messages. I and DH both sent her emails that she either didn't respond to or promised to set up her voice mail but didn't do it.
Finally, one day after a meeting we talked in the parking lot and she wants to know why I didn't tell her that I was upset with her.
I told her how the h *ll I am supposed to do that if she doesn't answer her phone, doesn't return phone calls, or respond to emails.
She says she wants to be friends but the only time she contacts me is when she wants something.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 15:31:04 GMT -5
LOL! I like the idea of her husband at 'girls night or weekend trip' - He can be your "chaperone" and make sure everything works ok - he can carry the bags when you all go shopping, he can be the designated driver/chauffeur, when the Host/Hostess at the fancy restaurant gives you grief about there not being a table (as they look down their nose at you) he can be your Sheik and "demand" a table (that one over there) for himself and his Harem. As long as he's there he can make himself useful. FWIW: every now and then - a friends husband joins us girls on a trip (we've known each other for 30 plus years) and he proudly accepts the above responsibilities for his Harem - he's been doing it since HS. The "groups' on this kind of trip are a bit fluid... the married couple may do something together, our Guy may do something by himself (stop at the bar and watch the game), us girls will do girly things together. It works out. I suspect that inviting the couple AND maybe making some minor changes to your overall plans (like having a specific everyone activity and 'girls only activity' would work. I don't think I'd consider it a girls night out if one of the guys was there. Would guys on a night out really want one of the women tagging along? Well....maybe they would.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 15:34:34 GMT -5
Okay...I haven't been keeping up with this board's antics, so why does my avatar say it's infected and there is a red frame around it?
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Aug 23, 2014 15:46:39 GMT -5
I didn't my friend but we really only see each other a few times a year now at his brothers birthdays or when we get together in a group. We still talk then and our interactions make it seem like nothing has changed but then the get together ends. We just went down different paths the last 2-3 years and his situation and drama isn't anything I'm interested in being a part of or dealing with. I've known him and his family since middle school, he's my oldest friend that I still have any contact with and he was my best friend for years but people change and it isn't always for the better.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 23, 2014 17:13:18 GMT -5
I just ditched my oldest friend last night, because she had turned manipulative, had lied to me several times, and was being pretty awful. I read the thread on severing relationships with family members. I posted about doing it on the thread. Sometimes you have to make up your mind about how many chances, and how many talks you should have someone. The shit she was pulling had been going on for two years, she had manipulated me into believing that she was emotionally unable to leave her home most of the time, which was a blatant lie, and I felt used. I was even trying to help her with her "problem." I found out that it was all a ruse. What a dope I was. So, screw you, good luck, good-bye. I sent her two questions in a facebook text about our relationship, and when she ignored them as usual, I (nicely) told her good luck, wish you well, you have caused me a lot of hurt, which I'm sure sure that you're aware of doing, and good bye. I feel happy and free.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 23, 2014 17:14:16 GMT -5
Okay...I haven't been keeping up with this board's antics, so why does my avatar say it's infected and there is a red frame around it? Unfortunately, Dark didn't get his rabies shot, and he bit your foot as you walked by.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Aug 23, 2014 19:02:55 GMT -5
I dumped a friend this week, actually. I was concerned about her, kept emailing and trying her on Skype. No response.
Finally, I get an email. A vicious, mean, nasty email basically saying she's unhappy and angry and that it's the fault of everyone around her for making her feel that way, and why does no one like her or want her around, etc.?
I responded by telling her to re-read her own email for a clue. If she's unhappy, the blame is on the doorstep of only one person. No one can make you upset unless you allow it. Sorry your life has been bad at certain points (truth is, she has had some rough times), but she has all the things she needs and the ability to fulfill her wants. If she's stuck and miserable, she's the only one who can fix it.
Then I blocked her email address. I'm done.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Aug 23, 2014 19:35:12 GMT -5
The same friend whose house was foreclosed on and she went on vacation?
I haven't formally dumped any close friends. I've lost touch with or pulled back from some friendships that had run their natural course, but it was always mutual.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Aug 23, 2014 19:41:17 GMT -5
Okay...I haven't been keeping up with this board's antics, so why does my avatar say it's infected and there is a red frame around it? It's a new round of the Zombie game. Weren't you here for the last one? See Moonbeams thread on the "General" board.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 23, 2014 20:31:34 GMT -5
I dumped a friend this week, actually. I was concerned about her, kept emailing and trying her on Skype. No response. Finally, I get an email. A vicious, mean, nasty email basically saying she's unhappy and angry and that it's the fault of everyone around her for making her feel that way, and why does no one like her or want her around, etc.? I responded by telling her to re-read her own email for a clue. If she's unhappy, the blame is on the doorstep of only one person. No one can make you upset unless you allow it. Sorry your life has been bad at certain points (truth is, she has had some rough times), but she has all the things she needs and the ability to fulfill her wants. If she's stuck and miserable, she's the only one who can fix it. Then I blocked her email address. I'm done. Sorry that this happened to you, Nancy. It's very painful. Also, it's not necessary to put innocent people through the wringer because a person is having severe problems.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 23, 2014 20:32:08 GMT -5
Who bit me ? Oooooh, wait till I strike them with my radioactive Nazgul bite.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Aug 23, 2014 21:48:16 GMT -5
40 year friendship. that's deep! I suggest and agree to put her on the back burner as said. however I do understand your questioning of making it official by breaking up. I'm also sure there are lots of other examples to lead up to a break up I'm thinking over the 40 years of friendship you both have changed - however her personality change is going into a direction you're not comfortable with. Also sounds like she is becoming less dependable. so when the situation arises when you actually need your friend to come by your side - will she?
to actual break up is because you don't want to feel bad anymore. ends now! and you can start your healing process. it used to be so much fun going out with her. now she doesn't do that and you're thinking of her, inviting her out and she doesn't go or brings her husband. is he the only guy there on girls night? you can't be yourselves with this guy around.
40 years - earns us the right not to break up / end it, especially since the friend is not putting you in danger. Back Burner and as suggested earlier keep the invites for girls night to her but no Husband.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 24, 2014 2:40:30 GMT -5
I recently told a neighbor/friend straight up, not to be surprised when the current guy she's hanging out with (he's gay, and 30 yrs younger than her, so nothing romantic between them), stops coming around, and she finds herself no longer being invited or contacted much, by her other/previous friends. IMO she has a real need to feel like someone needs her. If it's a guy, she drops out of everyone else's life and focuses just on him. She's in her fifties, the guy friend is in his twenties, but he's a guy so... The thing that's kind of sad, is that the biggest reason this guy goes over to her house (IMO), is because she does his laundry for him. She also cooks for him quite often, has let him take over one of the two bedrooms in her apt, as his office, and they smoke weed together. I've seen her do this with other men before. Eventually they move on with their lives, which leaves her alone and scrambling.
I don't mind her being preoccupied by him. But it seems to me he's using her. I guess they're using each other. She doesn't see it that way/ is in denial (that's my guess). So okay, fine. Just don't expect me to be there picking up the pieces, when he moves on. That's all.
She seems to think we are very close friends. I'd say she's more of an acquaintance - a close neighbor, not a close friend. Which is why I'm not real devastated by her preoccupation. Plus I don't smoke pot. But I do get somewhat irritated, when the same thing happens again, and again, with the same outcome. So this time I wanted it said upfront, she shouldn't expect the same results afterward, of the other people she knows. If she really was unaware that she was totally focusing on this guy, leaving everyone else by the wayside, I wanted to bring it to her attention, so she had the opportunity to adjust her life accordingly.
Anyway, she said "I know". And claims to be aware of what she's doing, so I gratefully took a step (or three) back. -Out of her life/drama. We're still 'friends' so to speak. I still give her a ride once in awhile (she doesn't have a car). But I feel a whole lot less responsible/guilty? -Neither of those words really fit, cause I didn't feel responsible for her to begin with, and I don't really have anything to feel guilty about.
We'll see what happens.
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kjto1
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Post by kjto1 on Aug 24, 2014 8:16:46 GMT -5
I've recently decided to ditch a friend. Similar situation as the OP described. She got a boyfriend and suddenly had no time to call or return emails. He convinced her to join his cell phone plan which required a new phone. But, she didn't set up her voice mail so no one could leave messages. I and DH both sent her emails that she either didn't respond to or promised to set up her voice mail but didn't do it. Finally, one day after a meeting we talked in the parking lot and she wants to know why I didn't tell her that I was upset with her. I told her how the h *ll I am supposed to do that if she doesn't answer her phone, doesn't return phone calls, or respond to emails. She says she wants to be friends but the only time she contacts me is when she wants something. I'm sure she doesn't understand why the "one way street friendship" doesn't work for you.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Aug 24, 2014 8:23:52 GMT -5
I dumped a friend this week, actually. I was concerned about her, kept emailing and trying her on Skype. No response. Finally, I get an email. A vicious, mean, nasty email basically saying she's unhappy and angry and that it's the fault of everyone around her for making her feel that way, and why does no one like her or want her around, etc.? I responded by telling her to re-read her own email for a clue. If she's unhappy, the blame is on the doorstep of only one person. No one can make you upset unless you allow it. Sorry your life has been bad at certain points (truth is, she has had some rough times), but she has all the things she needs and the ability to fulfill her wants. If she's stuck and miserable, she's the only one who can fix it. Then I blocked her email address. I'm done. Nancy, I'm really sorry. Sometimes, for some people, no matter what you do, or say, they'll continue to seek the cause of their problems by looking outward, rather than inward. For those folks, there's nothing to do other than walk away. It's sad, but it's not in our control. It's in theirs.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Aug 24, 2014 10:26:40 GMT -5
I've been distancing myself from a 40yr friendship for the past few years. We've always been pretty tight, our husbands are BFFs, our kids are the same ages, etc. But about 7 years ago she started changing and I've grown more and more disgusted with her new values. Her #1 goal is to be popular/powerful in the small town she lives in, and she appears to have suppressed her unique personality and replaced it with this superficial facade. I could almost tolerate the fake politician person, but I can't tolerate the Queen Bee gossipy/vindictive side of her. And I have significant anger with how she prioritizes her popularity/power over her children's well-being.
It's very awkward as our husbands are still BFFs, but helpful that they live 3+ hours from us.
FWIW, I have not considered a formal "We're over" conversation. After all these years, I'm willing to just put some distance between us and see what happens. Maybe in a few years circumstances will be different and we can reconnect. We've briefly spoken once since Xmas and I'm perfectly fine with keeping that level of contact.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 24, 2014 10:30:35 GMT -5
I think if a friend is lying to you, then that of course would be a deal breaker.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 24, 2014 15:10:20 GMT -5
My friend apologized yesterday, explained she was hiding some chronic physical diseases that she didn't want people to know about, ( ), that her actions weren't directed at me, and asked if we can have lunch this coming week. I said that as long as it wasn't all directed at me personally, I would like to "try" again, and see where it goes. Hopefully, this is a situation that she just wasn't handling well, and feared that her friends wouldn't accept her problems. I don't really understand it, because I've known that she's had physical issues for years, but maybe things have really got her down. I just don't know. I hope things go better for her ( us ).
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2014 15:16:28 GMT -5
My friend apologized yesterday, explained she was hiding some chronic physical diseases that she didn't want people to know about, ( ), that her actions weren't directed at me, and asked if we can have lunch this coming week. I said that as long as it wasn't all directed at me personally, I would like to "try" again, and see where it goes. Hopefully, this is a situation that she just wasn't handling well, and feared that her friends wouldn't accept her problems. I don't really understand it, because I've known that she's had physical issues for years, but maybe things have really got her down. I just don't know. I hope things go better for her ( us ). Could be depression.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 24, 2014 16:22:04 GMT -5
I'd discussed it with her a couple of times, and I think it's a combination. She's not getting any treatment, though, because she " doesn't need it. "
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2014 17:14:21 GMT -5
I'm laughing at this thread because I have one friend who stands me up a lot. I'm not exactly sure her reason, but it happens enough that I never really count on anything with her. Yesterday she was suppose to go with us to something, and I texted her an hour before it started to see if she still wanted to come. She texted back 15 minutes after it was over and said "I forgot all about this." (I knew she wouldn't come - not even sure why we invited her, but whatever.) Last week she invited me over, and I texted her at about 5 pm, and she texted me back in the morning that said "Sorry my phone was off." Ahhh - bullshit. I have never seen her more than 18 inches from her phone. She uses it to play music, and adjust the lights of her house, and set her alarm system, etc. There is no way her phone was off for 18 hours. I don't really care, because I just assume that she will always flake - but I am considering calling her on it. If she doesn't want to do something - just tell me. Don't pretend that I am so stupid I will believe all your super-lame excuses.
Last night when she texted that she forgot, I texted back "Ha ha - You always do."
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Aug 24, 2014 17:36:56 GMT -5
I texted back "Ha ha - You always do."
I think this says it all. Keep inviting her so she can't say she wasn't invited. My dumb phone has a calendar that I use all the time. If she didn't want to go then she didn't put it in the phone.
Invite her and be pleasantly surprised if she shows up. You tried.
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