mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Oct 23, 2014 11:00:28 GMT -5
MN, I hate to hear that a medical issue brought this about, but at least you will see your sister as a result of it, and she will get help. Sometimes, it takes something like this to bring about a change in a person. I hope everything goes well for your whole family.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Oct 23, 2014 11:58:51 GMT -5
My brother made several anti-Semitic comments when I was around. I'm Jewish so was dad his whole life (of course). He insisted I couldn't have graduated from UC Berkeley. After all his kids weren't accepted there so how did I, a high school dropout, get in? (Transfered in from SF State with a 4.0 GPA) But after his dtr 'investigated' it and found out I graduated from there, 'maybe' I really went there. So I wrote brother off. After his son moved to LA, he educated his dad who tried to apologize for 10 yrs. I finally accepted his apology after no contact for 25 years. Seriously if he walked into a room, I walked out. No eye contact. If he bought me something, I would not accept. We're ok now My eldest sis gets put on 'restriction' everything she swears to me (worse than a drunk sailor), but her 'no accepted phone call restriction' is only for a month. Last time it happened was 2 yrs ago. She's learning MN-Investor, good to hear that you're mending fences
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 23, 2014 12:43:55 GMT -5
I've cut ties with my older brother (the one whose two girls DH and I took in and finished raising). Sadly and unfortunately, his manipulative ways have never been addressed or mended. About 10 years ago he finally got off the streets (was homeless off and on for a number of years), got into a detox program (he was doing heroin, alcohol and whatever else he could get his hands on while on the streets), got onto permanent disability (SSI/SSDI, he really DOES have some pretty severe physical degeneration issues) and into a senior/disabled Section 8 apartment. It appears that he attends some church or other regularly so that is good, but both of the last two girlfriends he's had (that he met at this church) have OD'd and died "using" his Rx meds (methadone).
He still calls various family members and tells long and woeful tales about his life and his troubles, of course always ending in how he needs money. About a year ago, one of the girls called me in tears because he contacted her, spent a good ten minutes "buttering her up" with "how proud of her he was by going out and making something of her life," - - and then he hit her up for money. She keeps hoping she can have some sort of relationship with him, but is learning (painfully) that may not be possible. He has never met his 3 year old granddaughter by her. He was late to this daughter's wedding - missing the ceremony completely! This is the daughter that once gave him a $50 check, to which he then proceeded to add a zero and cash it. She was shocked when her own checks starting bouncing, but when she discovered what had happened she was too embarrassed and felt too "guilted" by him to file a police report.
Whenever a large family event comes along (like my mother's 90th birthday), he *swears* he's going to come, and then bails at the last minute (sometimes just a few hours beforehand). For many years various family members "covered" for him by getting him to events at the last minute (of course on our own dimes), but now even that has stopped.
Last week he called my mother and asked her for her Social Security number. He swore to her that the SS office was asking him for it. Thank God she didn't give it to him. He absolutely would have committed financial fraud or mayhem with it - on his own mother
These are just a few tiny snippets of the kind of on-going cr*p he's pulled over the years. So yeah - NO. No contact, and no plans for contact. I'm sad that's the way it is, but I don't see it changing.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 23, 2014 18:37:27 GMT -5
My brother made several anti-Semitic comments when I was around. I'm Jewish so was dad his whole life (of course). He insisted I couldn't have graduated from UC Berkeley. After all his kids weren't accepted there so how did I, a high school dropout, get in? (Transfered in from SF State with a 4.0 GPA) But after his dtr 'investigated' it and found out I graduated from there, 'maybe' I really went there. So I wrote brother off. After his son moved to LA, he educated his dad who tried to apologize for 10 yrs. I finally accepted his apology after no contact for 25 years. Seriously if he walked into a room, I walked out. No eye contact. If he bought me something, I would not accept. We're ok now My eldest sis gets put on 'restriction' everything she swears to me (worse than a drunk sailor), but her 'no accepted phone call restriction' is only for a month. Last time it happened was 2 yrs ago. She's learning MN-Investor, good to hear that you're mending fences So your brother grew up in a Jewish household and would make anti-Semitic comments? Wow.
Although my father was raised Catholic and absolutely hated the Church. Of course as a teenager I had to find out for myself. I almost converted but realized ultimately wasn't a good fit for me.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Oct 23, 2014 18:51:59 GMT -5
Dad's Jewish Mom's Catholic Her mom never accepted dad but her brothers did. Dad was an orphan but his siblings tolerated mom
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Oct 23, 2014 19:23:05 GMT -5
I have had family members avoid me with out justification other than elder abuse or punishment for not doing what they wanted. They are abusers and never wrong. Alcohol is the root cause. A step-GrS told me about it and who instigated it. I told him what it was and to watch out for his other GrM.
Rellies that are off my Christmas card list. A cousin who stood me up at the airport after an overnight flight from overseas. My late Dad's nephew and niece. Their taking off with more than their share of late GrM estate probably started it. I have no idea if DD had cousins or not. I know of only one.
An estate problem going on right now. And a couple more I won't mention. My cousin who has time to reflect has been looking at past behavior patterns of family members and probable mental illness. She asked me if I had ever had a problem with one male cousin. I told her yes, he tried to drown me when I was a kid.
I was not receptive to a half cousin who showed up and wanted to know why her brother didn't have a chance with me. I turned it on her and asked her what she would do if approached with this situation while having been in a 30+ year marriage. I would have been more interested if the lead in was I'm a relative who has been distant but would like to get to know you.
That is just my side of the family.
----------- Thanks for explaining what Section 8 housing is. Someone I know who is young and able bodied lives in one of those areas.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 23, 2014 23:34:28 GMT -5
----------- Thanks for explaining what Section 8 housing is. Someone I know who is young and able bodied lives in one of those areas. Qualifying for Section 8 isn't limited to disabled or elderly. Working poor in my neck of the woods also qualify. Most of the housing assistance our county has is done via supplemental vouchers. I had a friend accept a "section 8" tenant who was a young teacher with three small kids. People who need housing help come from all walks of life.
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trippypea
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Post by trippypea on Oct 24, 2014 8:47:40 GMT -5
We cut ties with my MIL 9 years ago. She was absolutely the most toxic person anyone ever met, and she destroyed every relationship she ever had, husband, relatives, and friends. She would glom onto a person and suck, and suck, until the person had no choice but to sever all ties and have no contact whatsoever with her. She resented me and my SIL and couldn't stand that there was another woman in her sons lives besides Mommy (she literally would refer to herself as Mommy!). No one could stand spending time with her because she made it extremely difficult to do so. It got even harder when DH and I had children (she started playing the same mind games with them that she did with her own sons). And DH was no help. I would beg him to do something about her, but he would just say "That's the way she is. I tried, she's not going to change." He would rather fight with me about it (and we had a LOT of fights about her) than have a fight with her because fighting with me was 'safe'. Of course, avoidance wasn't the solution because then she would call ME constantly and I'd have to deal with her. And I never had words with her in the first 15 years, I just took it. She and I never had an argument, though she would get into arguments with DH and BIL and not talk to them for a few months or a year at a time, and then call up out of the blue like nothing happened. And by them talking to her, in her mind all was forgiven and she didn't do anything wrong in the first place.
It all came to a head after she sent DD a letter after an argument with DH about not going to see her the next weekend. It was written to DD, but was of course for DH since DD was only 5 and not able to read yet! It said how SORRY she was that she couldn't see her, but her FATHER must not care about her, yada yada. She had spent DHs childhood telling him what a bad guy his own father was, and she wasn't going to tell my kids that too. The next time she called, I let her have it. I could not get her to understand that she couldn't act that way anymore. It escalated so badly (DH finally had his own conversation with her and it went the same way), that she told DH that he better hope that he was never seen in his home town again because 'she knows people' and he'll 'be sorry'. I mean, what kind of mother would ever say that? Several months passed and she called out of the blue and acted like nothing had happened. DH told her no, unless she made an effort to change, we weren't having a relationship, it couldn't go back to the way it was. By the end of that conversation, she was saying it was all my fault and I was tearing the family apart. As far as she was concerned, she had never done anything wrong to anyone, she was the victim, and I was telling everyone lies. That's what she still tells everyone. Over the years, she's reached out to BIL by phone, with the calls ending badly. In the last year, BIL has been talking to her more. Then she called DH, and I believe guilt, which is the only emotion that has ever tied him to his mother, makes him talk to her. She doesn't mention me at all.
Had she called any time after that and said she had time to reflect and realizes she needs to make some changes, or something like that, we could have rebuilt a relationship. Instead, she prefers to play the victim and blame it on me, as if every person involved doesn't have their own experience with her to go by. I was actually the only one who NEVER had an argument with her! However, 9 years have passed and I'VE had time to reflect, and I've decided that if I allow that toxicity back into my life, I deserve what I get, and I am no longer willing to do that. There is no going back and I don't want a relationship with her. I believe DH and BIL feel guilty because they don't have a relationship with their mother because you are SUPPOSED to have one, you just can't with her. DH wants a relationship with a mother that doesn't exist, and guilt makes him chase that dream, and every time he gets bit in the a**. I've told DH that neither I nor the kids will be having a relationship with her, and if he does, he needs to be prepared for when things go south again (because they will) and I am not going to pick up the pieces like I always did. He's on his own...
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sesfw
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Today is the first day of the rest of my life
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Post by sesfw on Oct 24, 2014 10:04:27 GMT -5
I realize things like this happen all the time ........ but it is sad.
There are a couple of family members I no longer have contact with and it's sad. However I don't need the added negativity in my life.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 24, 2014 10:57:46 GMT -5
My aunt (Mom's youngest sister), E, and my cousin, K, have had a contentious relationship pretty much ever since K hit puberty and discovered she had thoughts of her own. It has always confused my mom, because she and I did NOT have a yelling and screaming type relationship, nor did she have a relationship like that with her mother, though she does say E DID have a screaming/yelling type relationship with their mother. Still, this was something my mother was always certain would be "grown out of", meaning she was always fairly certain that the issue lay with K, not with E. (I should note that my mom still believed E wasn't really at fault when E felt she had to pull a steak knife on her step-daughter, while step-daughter was still in high school. So we do have a pretty big blind spot there.)
K went away to college and has not lived at home for 5 years. She'll be 23 this Dec. Phone calls with E have never been good, but this year, they started getting traumatic. E left her a message saying she was going to kill herself. K called home (house and cell) and couldn't get an answer. K lives in a different state than E, so called emergency services in the town E lived in, and they went to check. E was home, fine. Her husband had supposedly been home the whole time and everything was fine, but no, they hadn't heard the phones ring at all. E has randomly deactivated K's phone (they were on a family plan) and then reactivated it for no reason multiple times over K's college career.
I once accidentally got in the middle of things when K called me to help her figure out some financial issues. C and I drove the couple of hours from Seattle to Portland to go help her out. K had taken the year off school on a medical sabbatical, because the severe anxiety disorder she'd gotten diagnosed with (at college, after her friends had made her go see someone) was not under control enough to let her do things like meet due dates. While I was there, I did her taxes. I carefully read through all the rules and had her claim herself. She was too old to be claimed by E unless she was a full time student. The paperwork the school sent for taxes very clearly showed that she had NOT been a full time student. (For those of you that don't know, they have a specific check box for this.) K then sent the forms to the family tax guy, because that what she'd always done. A couple of weeks later, my mom calls me, asking what I've done. E had already sent in her taxes, having claimed K, because that's what her tax guy told her to do, and other wise she'd owe lots of money, yada yada. I told mom that the tax guy have advised E illegally (because really, the rules are very clear about when you can claim a child over 18 and when you cannot), and that she should deal with that. In the end, though, I called K, told her to redo her forms not claiming herself, and I would send her the difference between the dependent/independent tax refund.
Anyway, this this summer, E shut off K's phone again, after a number of phone calls that had left K in tears. (I know, because I'm the person she call/emails/FBs when she's upset about her mom.) K got her own phone and, because she's a senior and working on her thesis, and because phone calls with her mom were just too triggery to her anxiety disorder, she blocked E's number.
This was, apparently, the final straw for E.
I got an email from my mom, double checking K's contact information, because E had finally decided she was going to cut contact with K, and had sent my mom K's car title (to send to K) and some money for insurance. My mom, who still doesn't want to admit that maybe, just maybe, E needs some psychological help of her own, was worried that this wouldn't blow over soon.
My response to her email was basically that is was about time. The relationship between E and K had not been healthy for years and was damaging to both of them. K, for her own health, had to cut ties with E. And I was glad E was finally understanding that. I said that I hoped this break would last around 5 years or so, giving K time to get out of school, get her own life in order, and her anxiety issues truly under control. And maybe, E might figure out she should get some help, too. In 5 years or so, I figure they might be able to resume cordial relations.
My poor mom, who really has been struggling with this (she was the oldest, E was the youngest, their mom was an alcoholic, and my mom basically raised E), wrote back "You're right."
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Oct 24, 2014 16:18:17 GMT -5
I feel for K in this situation. Living with anxiety if h*ll and makes decision making so difficult. When the decision is made, then the anxiety kicks in with all the issues that could arise. Best wishes to her. At least she's not under the crazy maker's roof.
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imanangel
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Post by imanangel on Oct 25, 2014 3:44:51 GMT -5
I haven't talked to my youngest brother in approximately 4 years. He is a drug abuser, woman abuser, unemployed criminal (with a rap sheet longer than my arm)living off my parents, waste of human flesh. He blames my parents for his life. He said that if my mom didn't work when he was younger, he wouldn't have turned to drugs. My older brother and I were in daycare from the time we were 6 weeks old, neither of us are drug abusing criminals. Neither of us beat our significant other. For years I would only see him during the holidays. He would introduce me to whatever homeless druggy bum he would bring home for dinner as his "stuck up, snotty, hoity toity bitch of a sister who thinks she is better than everyone else." Yes, those were his exact words.
My mom has always babied him, made up excuses for him, and has never made him actually pay the consequences for any of his bad behavior. She has drained their retirement accounts hiring lawyers for him to beat whatever crime rap. I cut off ALL contact with him after he punched my dad in the face. My dad is the nicest man you can ever meet. My dad asked him to come outside and help him do some farm work and my brother exploded. He is lucky I lived out of state when that happened. I have no regrets cutting him out of my life. I don't want him around my children and I don't want to be around him. He is seriously a horrible person. I fully expect to get a phone call at some point saying he OD'd on drugs.
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