Severed relations with $#%*& family members

[swasat]

A lot of you on here seem to have one (or few) family members you decided to cut out of your life due to various reasons.

I have one too  She is a close family relation of DH and after 12 years of constant drama and other verbal taunts and what not I reached a boiling point last year and severed all contact. Started a post about here last year too. DH still maintains contact (fine by me) but she is not welcome to my home and me and the kids don't keep any contacts.

She seems completely unrepentant about what she did last year, plays the victim card, puts the blame on everyone else but herself. Fine by me too, I am honestly so done with her. So I don't care, she can say what she wants about me.  DH understands and is fully standing up for me, so I care a damn what she thinks (If he didn't support me, I would still care a damn, about both of them   )

So my question for all of you who did severe contact with the drama queens/kings or the other kinds of abusers.....

Did you ever get back to talking terms?

How long did it take if you did?

Did the situation improve? Did YOU have to do anything to improve the situation? Did the other person change and made some effort too?

If you still have severed ties, do you regret it in any way, years after?

[zibazinski]

I severed ties with my mom. For years my grandma, her mother, kept harping on me. I became civil after many years off but only on MY terms. We were speaking when she died. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My brother and I are on speaking terms again, but we're not like we used to be. Took us a year to get there.

I suppose the situation has improved in that he no longer, at least out loud, blames me for everything wrong in his life and won't ask me for money.

In other ways it hasn't improved because he is still barely working and living with my parents. Currently his latest ambition is to run away to North Carolina to be a Mountain Man like on Animal Planet. Not sure if that is a step up or down from glass blowing bong maker.

We're too different from each other right now to have the type of relationship I know my mother would prefer we have. There is no common ground between us besides we're related. We keep things amicable for our parents' sake. I also do it for Gwen because I don't believe in dragging her into my issues with my brother, she can form her own opinion later.

Otherwise we're like two ships passing in the night.

I don't regret it, it needed to be done because I was tired of the co-dependent drama fest. It wasn't fair to DH or Gwen for me to be expending that much energy on my brother. Besides it's not like I can reverse our birth order, if he wants to blame his life on me being born first that's his problem.

I'm not going to indulge him in his excuses. So until he stops that and accepts he's the jackass screwing up his life we're going to continue to be civil but not have much of a relationship outside of that.

[Sam_2.0]

I am civil to my dad's parents, but only really interact with them via my grandpa on facebook. And even then he's restricted in how he can interact with me. I don't allow Aly to be around them except for maybe once per year when we all have a big family dinner at my parents' house.

[sheilaincali]

My sister and I had a HUGE falling out and didn't speak for 5 years. Things were said, words were exchanged. I felt she needed to apologize and she felt like I should just get over it. When I say we didn't speak for 5 years I am not exaggerating. This happened when she was pregnant with my niece who is now 10.

So in my stubbornness:

I never went to see my niece at the hospital after she was born

Didn't give my sister and support or encouragement when my niece needed brain surgery at less than a week old.

Didn't acknowledge her pregnancy with my nephew.  

Didn't attend any of her kids' birthday parties (to be fair I did live in CA during 4 of those 5 years).

The list goes on.

When I moved back to MN in 2009 I just told her "Look, shit happened, we were both in the wrong, we are both sorry, lets just start over".  Now I have a good relationship with her and fortunately the kids were young enough that they didn't realize what a crappy aunt I was and now think I am awesome. 

However, she wasn't a toxic person.  If I look back at it she said some hurtful things while she was tired and crabby being pregnant with a baby they knew would have some health problems (needed a shunt in her brain to drain excess fluid, had no idea at the time if there would be long term problems- other than the permanent shunt she is perfectly healthy).  I took offense and am extremely stubborn and refused to let her off the hook without an apology. 

With the case of my MIL- there is no love lost there.  If DH wants a relationship with her I won't stand in his way and I will be cordial for his benefit but otherwise that bridge has long sense been burned.

My brother and I will never be friends but I am more of a decent human being.  If his kids needed something I would be supportive of them.  Missing out on my sister's kids is something I'm not proud of.  But my brother is a toxic person and I don't need him in my life.  I will keep up with the kids through my exSIL but if my parents pass away I won't feel the need to ever speak to my brother again.  And I won't lose a minutes worth of sleep over it either.  

[NancysSummerSip]

I have no contact with an uncle and aunt of mine, nor any of their kids. All five of them, lie, cheat, steal and hurt people. Most of them have been in bankruptcy and the next generation isn't any better. It's been eight years, and I have to say, I don't miss them.

Funny you should ask this on a thread today, of all days. I just ended contact with someone today. I'd been trying to re-establish contact for over a year, reaching out in the hopes of finding out WTF went wrong in the first place. I got a rather nasty email from this person, blaming everyone else for their issues. I decided that today was the end.

[cael]

Without actually saying to their faces "screw you we want nothing to do with you", DH and I pretty much would have no relationship with MIL/BIL if we could. Luckily they live out of state, we only see them once or twice a year, and DH basically never calls, his mom just calls him once in a while. His deadbeat brother just turned 18 and here's a little history - parents got him a tattoo for his 15th birthday, the next year BOUGHT HIM TATTOO MACHINES OFF THE INTERNET BECAUSE HE WANTED THEM, he had his 4yrs older deadbeat girlfriend move in, dropped out of high school, (those things were all around 16-17) doesn't have a job. And whines that DH should spend more time with him.... DH is done and wants nothing to do with them (his mother was a piss poor parent to him but thinks she was stellar). If his sister and her family didn't live near them, we would never see them. I think DH feels some guilt about not wanting any relationship with them since they're family... but I've beaten into his head that he should not do something he doesn't want to do just because they're related to him. You can't pick your family members and if they suck, they suck. Neither DH nor his sister will ever give their mother anything or help her or take care of her.. she barely did any of that for them.

[Bonny]

I stopped speaking to my mother for 5 years. I had had it. I lent my dad and her money after they filed BK. She couldn't bother to call me to say she couldn't make the payments, divorced my dad and then rented an apartment in the most expensive part of town.

I tried working with her psychologist who completely sided with her. And that was the final straw. My mother had done a great job playing the victim with her and hadn't 'fessed up what she had done to create havoc in her relationships.

I continued to send her mother's day, birthday and Christmas cards. I couldn't say that I loved her anymore.

To her credit my mother worked really hard on her issues. By the time I decided that I would eventually regret acting this way and forgave her, she had really come a long way. She was no longer the angry unhappy person she used to be. She still had issues related to her ADHD and addiction but was a lot more careful about what popped out of her mouth. She also worked on having empathy for others.

We went on some fantastic vacation trips the years before she died. I took care of her most of the six weeks she had from her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer until she died. And she died holding both my brother's and my hands.

[souldoubt]

Haven't spoke to my dad or any of his family in almost 15 years.  There was no falling out I had just turned 18 and his obligation as a provider (child support) ended and neither of us called the other one again.  I got a letter from him maybe 3-4 years after that with his business card and thought if he really wanted to talk he would call.  He put the ball in my court but I really had nothing to say to him because we never had a relationship. 

[cronewitch]

I am done with one niece and all of her children. She has always been a victim since she was a teen. She went to live with my brother at 15 then complained that she had to watch the younger children and they didn't serve enough meat I think she still hates him for that. She went back to her mother at 17 but her mother wanted her gone so at 18 she moved to live with a friend's family. She was sharing a room with a young mother and infant over crowding the family and paying $100 a month room and board yet complaining she was over charged she didn't eat that much. She came back and lived with my parents but slept all day and watched tv all night and complained about the food until mom couldn't stand it and kicked her out. Her mother let her stay in her basement but not be part of the family, so no eating with family and things she could cook her own food. She didn't want her there and charged her $100 a month room and board, so unfair. She lived with her sister and BIL and baby sharing a room with the baby and complained she didn't get a whole closet. She married the first man who asked her then lived with his parents with a baby in a 2 bedroom condo, I think his parents bought them a house to get them out. Now she has a big house with over half a dozen kids very Mormon judgmental. Some of her kids are mixed race and one is Native American she adopted from Fostercare. When my mom would call her she never answered or returned the calls, mom wrote her applogizing for having kicked her out when she was young 20 years before and couldn't find out why she wasn't talking to her. When mom got sick she shows up like nothing was wrong with all her kids. At mom's funeral she told me she didn't talk to mom because mom was racist and she worried she would say something about the kids and she didn't need that drama. Mom had made a joke 30 years before about a new neighbor but mom never had a problem with people of other races and loved the grand children she never got to see. I haven't told the niece and her family I want nothing to do with them but she isn't going to inherit and I haven't given her any financial help when I have her sister and cousins and her nephew. We are Facebook friends and not fighting but being mean to my mom then talking bad about her at her funeral was the last straw.

[The Captain]

I guess I'm lucky that I have no one toxic enough in my life that I have to actively sever ties with them.

There are those I have issues with, but I am the one who decides if they have power over me or not.  In those cases I don't grant them that power; so they for the most part don't really impact me emotionally.

It's does get trickier when they can impact those whom I don't want to see hurt.

[Peace Of Mind]

Aug 21, 2014 9:51:14 GMT -5 swasat said:

A lot of you on here seem to have one (or few) family members you decided to cut out of your life due to various reasons.

I have one too  She is a close family relation of DH and after 12 years of constant drama and other verbal taunts and what not I reached a boiling point last year and severed all contact. Started a post about here last year too. DH still maintains contact (fine by me) but she is not welcome to my home and me and the kids don't keep any contacts.

She seems completely unrepentant about what she did last year, plays the victim card, puts the blame on everyone else but herself. Fine by me too, I am honestly so done with her. So I don't care, she can say what she wants about me.  DH understands and is fully standing up for me, so I care a damn what she thinks (If he didn't support me, I would still care a damn, about both of them   )

So my question for all of you who did severe contact with the drama queens/kings or the other kinds of abusers.....

Did you ever get back to talking terms?

How long did it take if you did?

Did the situation improve? Did YOU have to do anything to improve the situation? Did the other person change and made some effort too?

If you still have severed ties, do you regret it in any way, years after?

If the person never changes or I just know I'll never want to be around them I don't try to interact with them in any way. Some people are so far gone there is just no point.  

The ones who apologize or their behavior changes or they make an effort - I will always be friendly towards them or make an effort to get along with them.  If the same patterns start again I just keep to a minimum "have to play nice" when I'm forced to be around them.

By forced I mean - you work with them, they are in the family, they are your neighbor... where you will have to see them whether you want to or not.  Luckily I no longer work, most of my family is dead  and there is only one person I don't communicate with at all in our family but I will if I have to (funerals, weddings) and I love or at least like all of my neighbors. 

[sesfw]

My g-dtr cut ties with me several months ago and cut ties with my DH last week.

When great g-dtr was born we decided we would open a 529 account for her. I emailed to g-dtr asking that she send the SS # to the financial person for this account. I got a phone call from her and she was shouting so loud that I had to hold the phone away from my ear just to understand what she was saying. I finally had to tell her that we would talk after she calmed down and hung up.

She started texting me saying she and her DH had decided to open a regular savings acct so their daughter could have the funds at age 18 for anything ...... car, backpacking across Europe, etc. And they wanted everyone in the family to contribute.  I said no way. I'll pay for her education so she can pay her own way. ..... I knew nothing about their decision prior to this and she called me a liar.

About a week ago I emailed g-dtr asking about the brand of crib, car seat/stroller.  And how things were surviving the use of a baby. She sent a text back while I was in the shower and DH answered her saying I was in the shower and would get back as soon as I could. She called DH a liar and said I didn't want to confront her.

Ties are cut for both of us. ......... Maybe someday but I'm not looking for it.

We hurt not seeing our g-g-baby but it's not our decision.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

This thread is good timing. 2 of my siblings are toxic. One I haven't spoken to in 11 years, the other I have seen in passing at some family events about 3 years ago (other than that, haven't spoken in 12 years).

I have to see them both next month and am not looking forward to it. One recently reached out to one of the people they had wronged and said she wanted to "reestablish a relationship" and "be close again". I don't know what is going to happen.

Our family isn't one that has things talked out and there was no big blowout between everyone. They told other family members horrible lies about my parents and other siblings. Only 1 of the other family members was upfront enough to ask if what they were told was true (The others just treated my parents and other sibs badly based on the lies).

One of the bad siblings also got involved in another sib's custody fight, writing a letter of lies to the court (saying my parents were abusive and a lot of other crap). She has never apologized for that. The one that wants to "mend fences" now supported the letter writer and sad she was "right to do it" and it was "deserved" (WTF does that mean?). The talking crap is one thing but the telling a court lies because you are mad at a third party is over the edge in my book. This was damaging a 5 year old child who was innocent. The sib who wrote the letter said that "she didn't have anything against the sib in the case or his child but if he was the collateral damage in hurting our parents, it was worth it"

So, I don't know how to approach this. No one really seems to talk this out and just lay the cards out on the table and apologize for their behavior. It seems to be like "well, enough time has passed so you just let it go?" I definitely won't trust either of them ever again. Don't need any knives in my back...

[Deleted]

My father and I never got a long when I was a kid.  We kept up appearances (holidays, occasional phone calls, etc) until my grandfather died in 2005.  Then, we just stopped even trying to communicate.  It was mutual.  I had no desire for contact with him and apparently he felt the same way.  Once in a great while, he messages me on facebook (we are not friends on FB) and we did meet up for dinner once in 2011 (first time we had seen each other in 6 years) when I was in the area for a training; we still didn't have much to say to each other.  The most contact (still via FB message)  I have had was in the couple years after my grandmother died; he was the one handling her estate (needed to verify mailing address, then he screwed up writing the checks).   We really just have no use for each other.

My brother had a very strained relationship with our father for several years while caring for our grandmother.  Since she died, I think they are getting along a little better. 

[giramomma]

Aug 21, 2014 9:51:14 GMT -5 swasat said:

Did you ever get back to talking terms?

How long did it take if you did?

Did the situation improve? Did YOU have to do anything to improve the situation? Did the other person change and made some effort too?

If you still have severed ties, do you regret it in any way, years after?

Talking terms: Somewhat. This last year, I've had less time to put towards the relationship. If I wanted to talk or information, I had to initiate and also respond every time mom contacted me.

How long did it take? 5 years. Only because of health issues.

Did the situation improve: No.

Did I do anything to improve the situation for ME: Yes. Therapy. Unfortunately my therapist  retired this year. No sure what I'm going to do.

But, I had to work on me. I couldn't be in a codependant relationship with my folks and try to also have mentally/emotionally healthy relationships with my kids and husband. It was too hard to keep up both systems of behavior. I was also savvy enough to understand that my behavior could jeopardize my marriage. I didn't want that.

Did the other person do anything: No.  Lots of reasons.

Do I regret it: No. See above. I  also have to protect my kids. I don't want them going through what I did.

Does it make me really sad: Yes. Lots of reasons.










 

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

For those of you with toxic family members who do things behind your back, how do you deal with that (or do you)?

That is the biggest dilemma I have with my situation. I can deal with full on crazy or manipulative. It is when the person is nice to your face and everything they say to you is normal but you find out later they are saying lies about you or doing things behind your back that I don't know what to do with. Even when they apologize, how do you know they are telling the truth? How do you ever trust them? Or do you just not trust them and just have either no relationship or a superficial relationship?

[zibazinski]

I'm civil. I have a cousin who is a liar and a thief. Since I don't let her do anything toward me, I'm okay with it. It impacts those that tolerate her. What I don't deal well with is that she sabotages her own children into making bad choices/marriages over and over again. Because if they ever got their heads on straight, they'd have nothing to do with her but if she can keep them as fucked up as she is, she's got them.

[Peace77]

Relationships have been severed with several family members.  

Some due to abuse and some due to family members siding with the abusers.

I don't imagine that anything will change.

[Chocolate Lover]

Aug 21, 2014 14:03:28 GMT -5 Mardi Gras Audrey said:

For those of you with toxic family members who do things behind your back, how do you deal with that (or do you)?

That is the biggest dilemma I have with my situation. I can deal with full on crazy or manipulative. It is when the person is nice to your face and everything they say to you is normal but you find out later they are saying lies about you or doing things behind your back that I don't know what to do with. Even when they apologize, how do you know they are telling the truth? How do you ever trust them? Or do you just not trust them and just have either no relationship or a superficial relationship?

Superficial at best. I don't talk to any of the   in DH's family anymore. They would take a simple comment and twist until you couldn't recognize it. If I HAD to talk to the regularly, DH & I would probably be divorced. God knows what they'd twist and tell him I said.

[MN-Investor]

Sigh.

I miss my sister.

I have five sisters and one brother. My sister, 15 months older than me, stopped talking to the family about 20 years ago. I've seen her once since then, but basically - clearly - she has some mental health issues. My sister is extremely smart and extremely stubborn, so she never sought the medical help that might have helped her. She's not part of her children and grandchildren's lives either. Her daughter, who lives in Chicago, would rather spend Christmas here in Minnesota with aunts, uncles, and cousins than fly home to NC.

And there's nothing we can do. I guess I'm just glad my BIL has stayed with her. BIL, their son and son's family drove up here from NC last year to see my mom and BIL's relatives in Iowa. So at least we had that.

But I do miss my sister.

[happyhoix]

Almost severed.

I have a high drama narcassistic little sister. Our oldest sibling cut her off years ago, but the other sib and I remained on polite but distant terms until about 18 months ago. The other sib and I take care of our mom, who is in an assisted living home, and I made the comment to LS that, since she can only visit twice a  year and refuses to call Mom, it would be nice if she wrote to mom more, since mom was lonely and liked getting mail. 

This triggered one of LS's melt downs - six emails in a row, each nastier than the last, outlining what a horrible sister, daughter and human being I am. She contacted the other sib (the one who was still speaking to her) and complained to her about how mean I was being - the other sib said she was being overly dramatic and she should get over it, which resulted in ANOTHER melt down, and now LS is barely on speaking terms with either of us, and still not speaking to the remaining sib at all. We send emails about how mom is doing, and LS usually ignores them. No more Christmas cards. Never any phone calls. We get an email right before LS comes to down for a visit, letting us know the days she will be at the assisted living home, and that's it. 

I imagine once our mother passes there will be a tension filled funeral where LS will sulk and refuse to look at us or speak to us, and then after that I doubt we will contact each other anymore at all. 

I do regret not being able to see her kids anymore, but not enough that I would try to mend fences with LS. I know how to get back in LS's good graces (go back to ignoring her bad behavior and praising everything about her, her kids, her DH, her house, etc) but I'm not willing to spend energy on that kind of pretend relationship. I do feel sorry for LS because I think Mom screwed her up, so it isn't really her fault, and I think this kind of narcassistic personality isn't something you can really change about yourself. I know it's caused her problems at home, with her in laws, with her bosses and co-workers, even with neighbors and the people she goes to church with, so it must make her life really, really hard, and I'm sorry about that.



 

 

[Tennesseer]

When I was 42, I threatened to sever relations with my parents unless they stopped their drinking.  It was toxic for the whole family.  The drinking immediately stopped.  All was well for the rest of their lives.

[sheilaincali]

In the case of my brother we have no real relationship. I try to be cordial for the sake of my parents when we have to be around each other for holidays and birthdays.  I also make sure I buy a present for his kids that has the price tag clearly on it (my brother is a present counter and would take great offense if he thought I got his kids something on sale)

After years of stooping to his level and trying to argue with him I just gave up. I go out of my way to greet everyone when I get to my parents house because if my sister's son rushes to the door and I greet him individually my brother will tell my mom "see what a bitch your daughter is? She wouldn't even say hi to my kids". So as soon as I walk into the door I yell "HELLO EVERYONE!!!!" so he can't accuse me of excluding his child.

I watch my brother and know his "tells". He's like a little kid about the throw a temper tantrum. A parent can look at their kid and say "yup, we have 5 minutes until full meltdown". I can see the same thing in my brother so once we hit the 5 minute countdown I physically leave. I make it a point to Thank Everyone and Say "GOOD BYE EVERYONE!!! THANK YOU" and we make our excuses to my parents and leave.

I figure if I leave classy than they have nothing negative to say about me that's believable in that instance. What is he going to say? "Bitch had to leave to let her 12 year old dog out to go potty!"  Um, yeah I don't enjoy cleaning up messes. "bitch had dinner plans" etc. Anything else is wasted breath on his part since I made it a point to thank everyone and say good bye to everyone.

I don't like to let the hatred weigh me down so I just keep it cordial. But honestly at this point there is nothing my brother could say that would make up for the years upon years of verbal, mental and physical abuse that he has heaped on my family. My parents may be willing to look the other way but I am not.

[zibazinski]

What floors me is that other family members pressure the "victim" of the abuse to play nice for the sake of the family.  The abuser is never called out for being the asshole.  What's with that?

[sheilaincali]

in my family my mom champions my brother because "everyone is always picking on him" and he continually plays the victim.  Because my mom is prone to mood swings no one wants to get on her bad side. If I say anything negative about my brother she will completely shut me out and not speak to me for weeks at a time. Even something simple like "has he looked in to speech therapy for C before?". She didn't speak to me for a month after that. Fortunately the daycare people told my brother to have him evaluated and he has been in speech therapy ever since, unfortunately that was a year after I first asked about it so he is really delayed. He is 5 and still impossible to understand.  Although, interestingly enough when he swears you can understand him clearly.  

So everyone walks on eggshells when my brother is around because the slightest thing will set him off and in cause my mother to start crying.  That's why I leave before it hits that stage. I leave knowing full well he is complaining about me behind my back and calling me a bitch for being the first to leave.

I have started a countdown to the date that DS graduates HS and I am free to move out of this damn town. 

DH has become fond of the meme he saw a while back and repeats the mantra "Not my circus, Not my Monkeys" quite often.  

[Firebird]

DH has become fond of the meme he saw a while back and repeats the mantra "Not my circus, Not my Monkeys" quite often.

Hey me too!

[sheilaincali]

It's pretty appropriate and covers a number of situations

[emma1420]

Aug 21, 2014 14:45:08 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

What floors me is that other family members pressure the "victim" of the abuse to play nice for the sake of the family.  The abuser is never called out for being the asshole.  What's with that?

It's probably because the "abuser" makes them feel bad.  Or at least I know my biological mother knows how to make me and most of the rest of my family feel like horrible people.

I don't have much in the way of a relationship with my biological mother.  I see her a few times a year.  I purchase her a Xmas gift, birthday gift, and give her a card at mother's day.  I do this, because I can't deal with tears, drama, and nasty emails that occur those occasions are forgotten.    

[Firebird]

Aug 21, 2014 15:37:55 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

It's pretty appropriate and covers a number of situations

I've been tempted to make it my work signature more than once