tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 16, 2014 14:06:09 GMT -5
My niece is getting married in an hour, the whole family is going to be there. My wife decided she wanted to go shopping, if we leave right now, we will still be late. Should I wait for her, or leave without her? Why can't some people pay attention to the clock?
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Aug 16, 2014 14:13:53 GMT -5
Ask Paul! I think he left his wife once and went to church without her because she was never ready on time.
I hate being late, and when it comes to things like carpooling, I won't wait for anyone.
Are you still at the house, or are you leaving her at the store?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 14:15:29 GMT -5
I'd leave.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Aug 16, 2014 14:16:42 GMT -5
Uh yeah, leave without her. She knew she had a commitment. Why show up late just because she didn't plan ahead for a shopping trip? Rude on her part.
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Post by Jaguar on Aug 16, 2014 14:19:28 GMT -5
Leave, my mom done this to me all the dang time. She would want to go somewhere, I would take her, BUT she still insisted on being late.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Aug 16, 2014 14:23:16 GMT -5
AIS -
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 16, 2014 14:26:58 GMT -5
I'm going to get a drink. We've been married 20+ years, and this is the one thing that pisses me off more than anything. I guess we'll make the reception and I'll be apologizing once again on why we were late. She just doesn't think it's that big of a deal.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Aug 16, 2014 14:33:06 GMT -5
Bills' video is the exact thought that came to my mind after reading the OP.
If you're going to barely make it on time as it is now, tell her it's time to hit the road, and no stopping. She can shop another day.
Since you're posting via mobile, I'll assume you're already en-route. I still say no stopping - nothing is that necessary you have to make a pit-stop - especially if it'll cause a late-arrival. It wouild be inconsiderate to the bride & groom, IMHO.
She must have known what time the ceremony was to start - better planning ahead next time.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Aug 16, 2014 14:34:08 GMT -5
Why apologize for her, tractor? If asked, tell the truth. I'm not one for advocating public humiliation of your partner, but I'm also not one to apologize for the extremely poor manners of another. You did have a choice here. You could have gone on without her. The choice you made shows her that there are no consequences for her utterly childish and passive/aggressive behavior. There is absolutely no reason for her to discontinue such behavior. Your wife is not a child and I'm also not advocating treating her like one - even if she is acting like one. But as long as she does as she wishes and you sit around and wait for her - making apologies later - she's in the clear to keep on doing it. Up to you.
Of course, I'm divorced. I wouldn't listen to me.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 16, 2014 17:41:33 GMT -5
I think it is a control thing with people who are always late. Hey, look at me "I'm so important that you waited for me to show up". I doubt this would be true for a wedding, but lots of other instances. But then I knew when I was growing up I would get left if not on time.
It's an attention getter (is that a word?) Everyone will be asking why, what and etc.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Aug 16, 2014 18:07:48 GMT -5
My DH is late to things when left to his own. He has no idea how to estimate time, or how long it will take to do all the little task that needs to be done before we leave. I have gotten to the point where he will be doing something and I will say you need to go start showering now. And he will be like I thought we were leaving at 10, ummm yea it is going to take you 30mins to shower, another 15 to check all the plugs around the house, another 15min to find your phone, make sure you have everything you need, check to make sure the house is locked and alarm is set and is is 9 now.... so go start your shower.
To be honest if it is his family I just shurg and let it go, they are all like that. For my family being on time is important.
And I have left my DH at home before as well.
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 16, 2014 18:41:12 GMT -5
Leave, Tractor. She's really not being very responsible.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 16, 2014 19:18:41 GMT -5
Bills' video is the exact thought that came to my mind after reading the OP.
If you're going to barely make it on time as it is now, tell her it's time to hit the road, and no stopping. She can shop another day.
Since you're posting via mobile, I'll assume you're already en-route. I still say no stopping - nothing is that necessary you have to make a pit-stop - especially if it'll cause a late-arrival. It wouild be inconsiderate to the bride & groom, IMHO.
She must have known what time the ceremony was to start - better planning ahead next time. Ditto.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 16, 2014 20:03:55 GMT -5
It is totally attention seeking. My mom used to pull this until we started thanksgiving without her and she was so mad she started to leave in a huff. Hey, you're a half hour late and we are on dessert. My aunts couldn't believe I wouldn't wait on her to show up but I didn't. Her husband actually told her he was staying to eat and she could sit in the car if she didnt like it. She ate and was never late to anything I gave again but she pulled it still with her sisters. We have a friend like that. She likes to be late to make an entrance. We now ignore her when she's late and don't ask why and basically blow her off. So she makes sure she goes to each and every person hoping they will ask why she is late. Since no one asks, she tells, and we are all cooly polite. She hasn't figured it out, yet.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 17, 2014 7:32:51 GMT -5
It is totally attention seeking. My mom used to pull this until we started thanksgiving without her and she was so mad she started to leave in a huff. Hey, you're a half hour late and we are on dessert. My aunts couldn't believe I wouldn't wait on her to show up but I didn't. Her husband actually told her he was staying to eat and she could sit in the car if she didnt like it. She ate and was never late to anything I gave again but she pulled it still with her sisters. We have a friend like that. She likes to be late to make an entrance. We now ignore her when she's late and don't ask why and basically blow her off. So she makes sure she goes to each and every person hoping they will ask why she is late. Since no one asks, she tells, and we are all cooly polite. She hasn't figured it out, yet. It blew my mind when my DIL's mother would be 2 hrs, yep 2 hrs, late for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the other get togethers where a meal was planned. And they (my DIL and her sister) would wait for her and then get up and serve her plate. This went on for years and then one day they woke up and those on time went ahead without her and she just ate when she showed up.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 17, 2014 7:35:30 GMT -5
Best way to handle it. None of us will ever ride or offer rides to this person who likes to be late for attention and slowly, for that and other reasons, we are freezing her out. It's so junior high and we are tired of it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 17, 2014 7:37:56 GMT -5
This is also the one I have mentioned in another thread that is the drama queen and people are tired of it as well. She even asked us all individually if we thought she was one and we all answered yes. Even getting an answer like that didnt faze her. The guy that does a lot of our hair won't take her on as a client because she's so high maintenance and cranky. That is going to freak her out because she isn't expecting that.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Aug 17, 2014 12:39:28 GMT -5
I'm late to the party (no pun intended), but I'd like to know the outcome. Heck yes you should leave without her. Shopping an hour before a wedding? WTF for? It's not like she did not know when the ceremony was scheduled!
Some people do it to get attention, some people do it to show disrespect and some people simply consider themselves the center of the known universe and everyone and everything else revolves around them and always will.
I'm curious, however.
<<We've been married 20+ years, and this is the one thing that pisses me off more than anything. I guess we'll make the reception and I'll be apologizing once again on why we were late. She just doesn't think it's that big of a deal.>>
Have you been putting up with this for 20+ years, or did she start doing this after you got married? Or has it been a lifelong habit for her? And why are you apologizing for her? Is she not old enough to explain her own lateness?
Granted, you are a couple, but you are still separate adults. If her habits are affecting your relationships with people to the point that it looks like both of you are showing a lack of respect by arriving late to events, it's a problem. If you've been apologizing for it, why should she change her ways? You get mad, but you let it go and keep putting up with it. Of course it's no big deal to her. You smooth things over and she has no reason to show respect to anyone by learning some basic manners. I think she can not only tell time, she knows perfectly well when events start. But why bother to be there on time, when she doesn't have to answer for the lateness of both of you?
Start leaving her behind. Tell you you are leaving at a set time, and making no stops for anything. She can drive herself, or not go. Do not discuss it, do not whine or beg or bribe her to be ready. She's not a child. Make the time you leave an absolute statement of fact.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Aug 17, 2014 12:59:56 GMT -5
I agree with that too, but also believe some people also just have no time awareness. This does make is seem more of a selfishness then a lack of being able to time things. They are apologetic for being late, will be the first ones to tell you not to wait on them, and if you ask them before how long they will think something will take they will give you a time frame, and you want to go really..... seriously try multiplying that by 3. And for my husband I know if I want to be out of here at a certain time, I need to break it down for him the day before on what time he has to start getting ready.
However, for OP I'm not sure which reason it is for your wife. The whole want to go shopping when she is already running late makes me think selfishness.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Aug 17, 2014 13:16:12 GMT -5
I agree with that too, but also believe some people also just have no time awareness. This does make is seem more of a selfishness then a lack of being able to time things. They are apologetic for being late, will be the first ones to tell you not to wait on them, and if you ask them before how long they will think something will take they will give you a time frame, and you want to go really..... seriously try multiplying that by 3. And for my husband I know if I want to be out of here at a certain time, I need to break it down for him the day before on what time he has to start getting ready. However, for OP I'm not sure which reason it is for your wife. The whole want to go shopping when she is already running late makes me think selfishness. I agree with you on the selfish part. And I was wondering about your "time awareness" comment. I looked up the phrase, just to see if there is such a thing as a person who can tell time, but has no understanding of it in everyday context. Turns out that there is. The general term is time perception disorder, and it can be a symptom of either psychological or physical issues, aging, drug use, autism and other conditions.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 18, 2014 7:36:56 GMT -5
And to answer a few things... We went to the reception and had a good time, visited with family and friends and were generally social. When asked I said " you know Mrs Tractor, always late for something".
She is always late, has been since the day we met, even our kids give her a hard time about it and I know it's nothing that I can change. I was pissed on Saturday because I hate to be late, but I would never leave without her. Part if being married this long is my ability to let things go, I would never tell her what I was really thinking, that's what this board is for. In the big picture world, being late didn't destroy anyone's life, and the outcome was the same. I think all couples find a way to cope, some yell and scream at each other then make up, others accept that this is the way things are and move on (I have never yelled at my wife, nor has she ever yelled at me).
Life continues, and I expect to be with her for many years to come..kind of like the country song "waiting on a woman", that song fits my life perfectly.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2014 7:41:21 GMT -5
And to answer a few things... We went to the reception and had a good time, visited with family and friends and were generally social. When asked I said " you know Mrs Tractor, always late for something". She is always late, has been since the day we met, even our kids give her a hard time about it and I know it's nothing that I can change. I was pissed on Saturday because I hate to be late, but I would never leave without her. Part if being married this long is my ability to let things go, I would never tell her what I was really thinking, that's what this board is for. In the big picture world, being late didn't destroy anyone's life, and the outcome was the same. I think all couples find a way to cope, some yell and scream at each other then make up, others accept that this is the way things are and move on (I have never yelled at my wife, nor has she ever yelled at me). Life continues, and I expect to be with her for many years to come..kind of like the country song "waiting on a woman", that song fits my life perfectly. Ok, I get that I'm the LAST person on this board to even think of giving marriage advice, but I do know if my first ex had told me what he was really thinking, we'd probably still be married. Instead I went along thinking life was great while he seethed away until he cracked.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 18, 2014 7:50:19 GMT -5
And to answer a few things... We went to the reception and had a good time, visited with family and friends and were generally social. When asked I said " you know Mrs Tractor, always late for something". She is always late, has been since the day we met, even our kids give her a hard time about it and I know it's nothing that I can change. I was pissed on Saturday because I hate to be late, but I would never leave without her. Part if being married this long is my ability to let things go, I would never tell her what I was really thinking, that's what this board is for. In the big picture world, being late didn't destroy anyone's life, and the outcome was the same. I think all couples find a way to cope, some yell and scream at each other then make up, others accept that this is the way things are and move on (I have never yelled at my wife, nor has she ever yelled at me). Life continues, and I expect to be with her for many years to come..kind of like the country song "waiting on a woman", that song fits my life perfectly. Ok, I get that I'm the LAST person on this board to even think of giving marriage advice, but I do know if my first ex had told me what he was really thinking, we'd probably still be married. Instead I went along thinking life was great while he seethed away until he cracked. I'm sure that happens quite a few times, at some point you just crack. However, everyone is made a little different and I just kind of plug along. I get yelled at by people everyday, in fact I tell most people I get paid to be yelled at so go ahead if that makes you feel better. Most of my co-workers think I'm crazy and say they could never do my job, those types of things just don't bother me.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 18, 2014 7:51:01 GMT -5
tractor - for social events where you are the source for sharing the 'Who, What, When, Where and Why', tell the wife the start time is one half hour earlier than it actually is. It may work for you for a while until your wife figures out your ploy.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Aug 18, 2014 8:08:40 GMT -5
And to answer a few things... We went to the reception and had a good time, visited with family and friends and were generally social. When asked I said " you know Mrs Tractor, always late for something". She is always late, has been since the day we met, even our kids give her a hard time about it and I know it's nothing that I can change. I was pissed on Saturday because I hate to be late, but I would never leave without her. Part if being married this long is my ability to let things go, I would never tell her what I was really thinking, that's what this board is for. In the big picture world, being late didn't destroy anyone's life, and the outcome was the same. I think all couples find a way to cope, some yell and scream at each other then make up, others accept that this is the way things are and move on (I have never yelled at my wife, nor has she ever yelled at me). Life continues, and I expect to be with her for many years to come..kind of like the country song "waiting on a woman", that song fits my life perfectly. Awwww....now I feel bad for telling you to leave her at home. You have it figured out. Other than a momentary annoyance, it doesn't seem like it's all that big of a deal for you. All the best to you both.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 18, 2014 8:38:22 GMT -5
Green, and others, I could never leave her at home, she still provides many tangible benefits that I would prefer not to live without. If we ever end up in seperate beds, it will be a whole different game.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 18, 2014 9:07:07 GMT -5
Is one thing to be late to a wedding in general but family wedding? I'm sorry, no pass for that. How hurtful and rude.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Aug 18, 2014 9:37:45 GMT -5
I get where you're coming from, tractor. But zib is right. her being unable to be on time for a family event says "you're not important enough to me to make an effort". and THAT is something your wife needs to be made aware of. something casual is one thing but a wedding is another entirely.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Aug 18, 2014 10:10:06 GMT -5
I'm with Zib and moonbeam; lateness every so often is unavoidable. Traffic happens, wardrobe malfunctions will occur and fecal matter will strike the oscillating device when you least expect it.
But to do this for 20+ years, even if most everything else about her is fine, just says, "I'm so important that I can afford to be rude to you, and someone else is going to explain it for me." I could not treat family or friends like this. I'd have no friends left, for one thing. And family would not welcome me anywhere.
But as tractor says, he won't leave her and attend events on time. OK. Then you are going to spend the next 20 or so years tapping your foot and watching the clock, but it does give you time to come up with yet another story to tell as to why you are late. If I were in your social/family circle, I might consider both of you to be on a equal plane of rudeness. Not a fair judgment call, I know. But that's how it looks.
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MN-Investor
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Post by MN-Investor on Aug 18, 2014 10:12:48 GMT -5
Life continues, and I expect to be with her for many years to come..kind of like the country song "waiting on a woman", that song fits my life perfectly. I've been married 38 years and my DH sounds a lot like your wife. I discovered early in our marriage the DH just doesn't have a good internal clock. His older brother was the same way so my SIL dealt with the same issues. I discovered that if I nagged my DH to hurry up, it wouldn't hurry him appreciably, but it would make him cranky as all get out. So not only would we be late, but he was be unpleasant to be with. Sigh. So I gave it serious thought and realized that I would have to pick my battles. Unless it was imperative that we get somewhere at a specific time, I just wouldn't nag him. In the grand scheme of things, it just isn't worth it. I do remember one wedding we were running late to. I did complain to my husband on the drive there. I was used to Lutheran weddings and many of them aren't very long. My DH, though, grew up Catholic. The wedding was going to be a full-scale Catholic wedding. DH reassured me that there would be plenty of wedding left when we got there. He was right.
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