Married at First Sight aka Arranged Marriage Yes or No

[JustLurkin]

“Married at First Sight” (FYI at 9) introduces viewers to six people who are yearning for a lifelong partnership and agree to get married the first moment they meet a semi-random person who has been screened by four specialists (a sexologist, a spiritual adviser, a psychologist and a sociologist) for compatibility.

I just happened upon it while flipping channels. Has anyone else seen the show? I thought it was fascinating...in a weird soft of way...

As other threads are currently discussing, dating is so hard now. I don't know I even want to try it anymore. As it is, I am so not interested in having kids anymore, which I think cuts out at least 90% of people my age.

I had a trip to Urgent Care this weekend, got the migraine shot--which was not at all what I expected--the doctor was such a hottie, and I swear when he walked in he blushed. When I was all finished he kept asking "Is there anything else you'd like to ask me?" I was way too nervous to ask for his number, I kinda regret not asking for it--but also think if I had asked for it I'd regret that as well.

Anyway, enough of me blabbing away, has anyone seen the show, would you do an arranged marriage, would you be on TV? I was surprised the show participants were younger than I thought they'd be, and very attractive, but I can totally get not wanting to be bothered with the dating scene.

ETA:

Episode 1: www.fyi.tv/shows/married-at-first-sight/videos/matchmaking

Episode 2: www.fyi.tv/shows/married-at-first-sight/videos/the-weddings

[Green Eyed Lady]

Not this girl.  I wouldn't trust a sexologist or a spiritual advisor - let alone a psychologist and a sociologist- to pick out my underwear!   At least have some friends help out with the selection! 

Of course, with some of my friends, that might be even worse! 

[Gardening Grandma]

I have not seen the show, but I wish I could have picked my son's wife.  I'd have made a much better selection than he did....

[Green Eyed Lady]

I should have pointed out that I'm pretty sure anybody could have chosen better than I did the first time!

[billisonboard]

I wonder how large was the pool from which they selected compatible partners? Or did they just have the six and said those two look good, those two might work, and then the two left overs got paired?

[nutty]

I heard about it. I believe that women know within 10 seconds of meeting a man that they know if they are going to sleep with them, along those lines we can also think that the dating potential is there. So I really feel sorry for them that awkward time that they know they probably are doing the wrong thing.

[MarleyKeezy78]

Justlurkin, you better find out who this Dr is and call him!!!!

[nutty]

My Doctor blushed big time when I asked him (jokingly) if he had any single friends.

[billisonboard]

It seems to me to be an abdication of responsibility to have someone else select your spouse for you.

I would not be willing to be one of the people making the decision for someone else. 

[Deleted]

Jul 20, 2014 19:54:54 GMT -5 nutty said:

I believe that women know within 10 seconds of meeting a man that they know if they are going to sleep with them, along those lines we can also think that the dating potential is there.

Not necessarily- I met DH in a theology class and liked him but he was totally off my radar as a potential date. Thing didn't come together till almost a year later. We've been together 17 years, married 11.

[cronewitch]

A coworker was Arab from Israel and told me if he didn't pick a wife by 25 his dad would pick for him. He thought that was a wonderful idea so he waited and his dad took him to Israel to meet his bride an Arab. Since he lived in the USA they sent her to California for the year before the wedding.

For him it was a good idea, he had some ideas of a woman's place that wouldn't do for American girls. When he heard my grandmother was widowed and dating he said she shouldn't date if she was a widow. He tried to call me a name he assumed was a long version of my name, very formal for coworkers. We American women were not his type at all. Dad picked him a wife who had the same values and sending her to California for a year first gave her a chance to see how we live here.

When he got back from meeting his bride he seemed to have a better opinion of women who acted more self reliant, he was having a cultural shock after seeing how it was in the old country.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Who in their right mind would agree to marry someone on first sight - based on opinions/selection made by other basically random strangers (these so-called "Experts"?)

I'd be questioning the Sexologist, "Spiritual Advisor" (WTH?), Psychologist and Sociologists on the success of their marriages/partnerships to see if theirs were 100% compatible and based on love).

I don't think a person can fall in love at first sight. Attraction, lust, etc, sure - but love is something that develops over time. I wouldn't be jumping into a marriage with a stranger someone else decided was right for me.

Sounds ridiculous - and I hope there aren't really people so desperate to be married for the sake of being marriage, that they'd buy into this hair-brained idea.

I understand that arranged marriages take place in many cultures, often with the bride & groom not even setting sight on each other until the actual ceremony, but this is the 21st Century - and in the free world, are people really willing to go through with this plan of their own free will?

[giramomma]

Jul 20, 2014 20:12:45 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

A coworker was Arab from Israel and told me if he didn't pick a wife by 25 his dad would pick for him. He thought that was a wonderful idea so he waited and his dad took him to Israel to meet his bride an Arab. Since he lived in the USA they sent her to California for the year before the wedding.

I had a friend who was Indian (from India). She also was supposed to be married by 25 or she'd be considered an old maid. Since she wasn't married by 25, her parents took an ad out in some paper looking for suitors for her. She was going out on dates with men that answered her ad.

[Deleted]

I have not seen the show, but I have a story about arranged marriages.

When I arrived at Northwestern as a grad student (in 1981) I shared an apt in graduate housing with a young Indian woman for a summer. I had just arrived there to do my Masters, she was finishing up either a Masters or PhD (can't remember which) in a STEM course (again, I can't remember which degree). 

Since she was finishing her degree, the expectation was that she would marry as soon as she went back to India. 

Remember, this was in 1981, so WAY before the internet. She told me she was very lucky, for two reasons:
- her parents had promised to never "force" her to marry anybody she didn't want to marry. They were apparently very liberal because they were letting her choose her husband (from the men they had pre-selected)
- she had a younger brother in HS, and they were very close. So he used to literally interview her prospective suitors, and send her their "interviews", and their photos (snail mail, of course).

I remember her literally begging me to help her choose between the final two or three candidates. I refused, I said there was no way I could make that decision for her. She was upset, she said but we live together, we are friends, surely you can help me with this! She didn't understand my refusal. 

For a 20YO New Yorker who had just left the east coast for the first time in her life, that was pretty mind-boggling LOL. 

[Deleted]

Haha Gira!

I've always been fascinated by the idea of arranged marriages. The same tradition used to exist in the Jewish community, but it was always much more open / subtle. My best friend's mom was a "matchmaker" who INFORMALLY set up my sister and my (late) brother-in-law. They had a wonderful, wonderful marriage. Sadly my BIL died young.

There are some interesting recent articles on Slate, if anybody is interested. 

ETA: Here is the link to the Slate article I was thinking of.

www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/08/arranged_marriage_in_america_my_parents_moved_here_from_india_raised_me.html

[busymom]

No wayyyyyyy! There are enough reasons that marriages "crash & burn" nowadays. Having no part in the selection process would be a thousand times worse.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I couldn't view the videos in the OP's links - but did find some on Google.

In the episodes I viewed there, these are young Americans agreeing to these pre-arranged marriages with people they don't even know - based on someone else selecting their partner for them.

These marriages aren't arranged marriages (as in the sense that other cultures do them).

There's a vast difference if it's your cultural belief (East-Indian, Saudi, etc) to agree to it - but in this society it doesn't seem (at least to me) a good idea to enter into a union such as Marriage (which is supposedly a committed emotional/physical relationship) - with a complete stranger that you may discover right away you aren't compatible with or have anything in common with.

Even when I was dating DH, we dated steadily for 2 or 3 yrs before even deciding to become engaged. Then took another year of planning and getting our ducks in a row financially, before actually having the ceremony. I sure wouldn't dive head-first into a legal contract such as marriage with someone I barely know - I'd like to see a follow-up in 10 years just to see how many of these marriages arranged by the so-called "experts" are still alive and thriving.

[Deleted]

I believe that women know within 10 seconds of meeting a man that they know if they are going to sleep with them,

Sorry, Nutty, but I totally disagree with this statement. Maybe at 20. 

[nutty]

It's a generality there are outliers, like us. I am friendly with everyone, I don't dismiss. Maybe it is for the younger crowd.

[giramomma]

Jul 20, 2014 20:59:57 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Even when I was dating DH, we dated steadily for 2 or 3 yrs before even deciding to become engaged. Then took another year of planning and getting our ducks in a row financially, before actually having the ceremony. I sure wouldn't dive head-first into a legal contract such as marriage with someone I barely know - I'd like to see a follow-up in 10 years just to see how many of these marriages arranged by the so-called "experts" are still alive and thriving.

One of my previous bosses just got married in late April (2014). He went to the company Christmas (2013) party with another woman (not the woman he married). He's in his 60's now, and actually very accomplished professionally. All this was within a year of his divorce being final (though he had been separated for at least 2-3 years before the divorce.)

It strikes me that marriages in the 30's and 40's lasted, and some folks weren't courting for a long time.

DH and I dated for 3.5 years before we were engaged. I was getting close to breaking it off with him, because it was taking too much time, in my opinion, for him to decide if we both had the same desires for our relationship.. Marriage and a family were important goals for me, and I wasn't going to achieve those things by staying with someone that wasn't sure about me.

Honestly, I think DH and I could have done a quick courtship, at a year or less. But, that's because we were friends/friendly towards each other for 5 years before we started dating. The amount of time we were together didn't really affect what DH chose not to reveal about himself (or what I revealed about my experiences growing up.)

[dcmetrocrab]

I work with many Indians, where most of them are "arranged", but it is more that they go through a match maker or something like Match.com only it's through your family network.   They still meet, go on supervised outings, etc. It is not "first sight" or truly arranged in that sense. There are castes to worry about there, so a bit more complicated. My parents also went through a match maker. My mother pre-screened suitors and all that jazz. I don't see it as that big of a deal. 

[Deleted]

While I'm glad I got to choose I think my family  loves me enough they would have picked out a decent guy for me.

[Peace Of Mind]

Married at First Sight aka Arranged Marriage Yes or No

LOL!  I was going to say I'd choose married at first sight (if it were MY sight) vs. arranged marriage until you put the aka.  I'd trust my judgment of "at first sight" to somebody else arranging a marriage for me especially if it was my parents/family.  My mother, father and siblings had the worst taste in men/women.  Horrible!  I'd flip a coin or play spin the bottle before I'd let them make choices on my behalf.

DH2 and I shacked up after dating for 6 weeks (and that was with self control) and we lived together for 5 years before marrying.  It's been 27 years and I'm still not sure I made the right choice. 

[cronewitch]

My parents married 3 weeks after they met and stayed married until dad died. They were reasonably happy, mom was a depressed housewife raising three kids, no choice of leaving him anyhow. Many marriages before the last few years had woman pretty dependent on a husband. Mom didn't drive or work, her mother and many of my grandmother's generation didn't drive and many didn't work so if they weren't happy they had to stay in a bad marriage. People didn't help women get child support so if you left and had children you would need to support them when you didn't know how to drive or have any job skills. Some religions would kick you out for divorce and even if they didn't you were seen as some kind of skank, divorcee was an insult term meaning you were after your friend's husbands and sleeping with men you weren't married to. It was seen as a great failing to divorce not stand by your man. I divorced in 1984 and it was easier but I still felt like a failure for not holding it together.

[beergut]

 I went to a 50th anniversary party for a couple that were engaged on their first date. No arrangement there, just love at first sight.

BTW, I think that "women decide if they're going to sleep with you in the first 10 seconds (20 seconds, 2 minutes, etc.) is based on a line from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High".

[lexxy703]

I didn't do so well making my own choices so sure.  They couldn't possibly do any worse.

[sheilaincali]

My older brother got engaged 28 days after he met his wife.

My younger brother got engaged about a month after he met his now ex wife

DH and I eloped 4 months after we met.

My sister is the only one that dated my BIL for I think 18 months and then had a normal 9-12 month engagement.

One of my sister's best friends from HS is Pakistani and her family tried to keep with many of their customs. They arranged a marriage for M and her younger sister. They did however, encourage education, so M and her husband are both doctors and her sister and her H are both Engineers. I'd have to ask my sister but I believe M's younger brother had an arranged marriage too. Last I heard M was still married and from what I know they seem quite happy with each other.  They have a couple of kids now.   

[sheilaincali]

I remember this when it happened- it was big news in Minnesota (we aren't a very excited, news worthy state)

www.today.com/id/25121427/ns/today-today_health/t/still-together-years-after-arranged-mall-marriage/#.U819e4Io6Uk

[nutty]

I have never seen that movie.

[hoops902]

Jul 20, 2014 20:53:32 GMT -5 busymom said:

No wayyyyyyy! There are enough reasons that marriages "crash & burn" nowadays. Having no part in the selection process would be a thousand times worse.

This is only true if you believe that individuals are better at picking compatible partners than someone who is an expert in human relationships.  I'm not sure I believe that to be true.

The only reason I'd believe experts weren't better, is that people tend to lie about who they are and what they're looking for when asked.

A big reason marriages crash and burn, imo, is that people rely too heavily on "feelings" and not heavily enough on "compatibility".