billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 11, 2014 14:44:24 GMT -5
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. "Women marry men with the hope they will change. "Invaribly they are both disappointed." (Albert Einstein)
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 11, 2014 14:51:25 GMT -5
*shrug*
It just seems right. I don't have to pretend to be anybody else or hide anything. That's not to say that she loves everything about me. She's willing to call me on my bullshit, put a boot in my ass when I'm procrastinating, and call me a moron when I do something stupid. We aren't one of those lovey dovey, pet name, constantly touching each other, stomach churning couples, but those people freak me out, so I'm good with it. Our relationship is easy, it feels natural, we compliment each other well. We piss each other off sometimes, but any two people sharing living space will piss each other off sometimes. We got married too young, and didn't know each other long enough, but we've been married for 14 years, so I don't think an extra year or two of living together before tying the knot would have changed anything.
I honestly don't have any usable advice when it comes to picking somebody. You'll know when it's right. Or you'll think you do, but it won't work out then you'll question yourself forever. It's all a big crap shoot.
Avoid exciting though. Exciting while dating means drama and constant bullshit later. That stuff sounds fun when you're 22. The next 8 years fly by and as you enter your thirties you realize that what you really want is somebody that's enjoyable to be around while vegging at home. No matter how much you don't think so, partying, going out, and roller coaster emotions will get real old real fast. You need somebody you enjoy talking to while vegging on the couch and drinking a glass of wine. You'll be doing that for a much bigger portion of your life than you'll spend clubbing.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 11, 2014 14:54:25 GMT -5
I don't think you'd be the first woman to marry a guy thinking they'd change Angel, and you probably won't be the last.
I agree that some things you can never really know, like sudden mental health or anger issues. Sometimes someone can really take a dramatic turn for the worse, and you can't predict it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 11, 2014 15:12:33 GMT -5
This is kind of an extension of Firebird's thread on making a marriage work. I think a huge part is actually marrying the right person so that the marriage has a shot of working. So I would like to hear how people realized they had found the right person. I always went for relationships where we had a lot of fun & there was a huge spark between us. I obviously made bad choices. Now I am starting to date again & although marriage may or may not be in my future, I don't want to make another bad choice. I think you really have to know yourself to be in a successful relationship. Bc if you don't - it would be very hard to make it work even with the right person. It's not just about what you are getting, but also about what you are bringing to the table. And while it might be a crapshoot about how you meet the right person, there is nothing crapshooty about making the long lasting relationship work.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 11, 2014 15:25:06 GMT -5
I didn't really choose my ex it just happened by accident. He had a strong personality and wanted to marry me.
I was older with ISO and knew to be more careful. He is honest, kind, generous and loyal. We aren't alike but I trust him and he trust me. Now we live apart but I went to see him last weekend and he came here last night. He hates coming to the city but he was at work and had gotten himself an air conditioner so was thinking about how hot it is. He came to put both of my window units in for me. I did tell him it was too hot to sleep and I was having my handy man put in my downstairs unit but didn't want him in my bedroom so I did hint a little. After 28 years together we will probably be together for life but not marry because I don't like our state laws on community property.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Jul 11, 2014 16:28:55 GMT -5
DW had a starter husband. He created low expectations. Most of the time, compared to him, I look like the catch of the year.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 11, 2014 17:00:30 GMT -5
No matter how much you don't think so, partying, going out, and roller coaster emotions will get real old real fast. You need somebody you enjoy talking to while vegging on the couch and drinking a glass of wine. You'll be doing that for a much bigger portion of your life than you'll spend clubbing.
Word.
Speaking of that, someone who has roughly the same level of social "need" as you is very helpful. It would drive me up a WALL (and vice versa) if DH was the kind of person who constantly needed to have friends over, be throwing a party/entertaining, etc. We're basically hermits, and happy to be so.
We enjoy having the occasional friend over for dinner or maybe a weekend but that's it. We're a pretty self contained unit. We don't get all that chummy with the neighbors, and despite my parents living right across the street we see them together MAYBE once a week, if that. It used to be more like once a month but we're trying to decide where to move, so we meet up a little more often right now.
I think that's important because if you're a social butterfly married to an introvert, one of you is going to be frustrated a lot of the time. Maybe people find ways to work around it but I would hate constantly feeling pressure to be social and entertain.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 11, 2014 17:04:20 GMT -5
Oh, Angel!, someone asked me this when DH and I were dating and it was really helpful for me. Maybe it will help you clarify things too: Every relationship has problems - are these the problems you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life? I realize people can and do become drug addicts out of the blue and ruin everything, but a lot of the time you can identify your patterns early on. Kind of what everyone else is saying about how you shouldn't expect a person to change. Something else kind of similar that I read in a book - ignore the good stuff about a person, look honestly at their flaws and ask yourself if you can work with them. It's easy to love the good stuff about a person but if you can look at their bad stuff and still want to be with them, then you know you've got something. And when in doubt, cover your eyes and roll the dice because the whole thing is a damn crapshoot
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 11, 2014 17:32:20 GMT -5
This is kind of an extension of Firebird's thread on making a marriage work. I think a huge part is actually marrying the right person so that the marriage has a shot of working. So I would like to hear how people realized they had found the right person. I always went for relationships where we had a lot of fun & there was a huge spark between us. I obviously made bad choices. Now I am starting to date again & although marriage may or may not be in my future, I don't want to make another bad choice. I think you really have to know yourself to be in a successful relationship. Bc if you don't - it would be very hard to make it work even with the right person. It's not just about what you are getting, but also about what you are bringing to the table.And while it might be a crapshoot about how you meet the right person, there is nothing crapshooty about making the long lasting relationship work. First bold part: VERY true! Bring something positive to the relationship and don't be so quick to blame the other person for things YOU aren't happy with. Second bold part: "crapshooty" is my new favorite word!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 11, 2014 20:18:36 GMT -5
I don't disagree with any of the advice given but if you're looking at decades everyone changes (and if they don't that's a bigger issue imo). There is no way to know if you will grow more together or farther apart. Which really is where the commitment to each other comes in-but just because you both feel that at 30, doesn't mean it will be around still in 10 years.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 11, 2014 20:23:10 GMT -5
I don't disagree with any of the advice given but if you're looking at decades everyone changes (and if they don't that's a bigger issue imo). There is no way to know if you will grow more together or farther apart. Which really is where the commitment to each other comes in-but just because you both feel that at 30, doesn't mean it will be around still in 10 years. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I don't know if I agree..... I think the core of a person doesn't change. And isn't it what matters?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 11, 2014 20:23:43 GMT -5
I don't disagree with any of the advice given but if you're looking at decades everyone changes (and if they don't that's a bigger issue imo). There is no way to know if you will grow more together or farther apart. Which really is where the commitment to each other comes in-but just because you both feel that at 30, doesn't mean it will be around still in 10 years. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I so agree with this. I used to say if I had stayed married and my ex had died before me I was going to have his headstone say "Died at 30 buried at 80" I read some of the horror stories on this board about bad marriages and all I can say is that after 18 yrs we literally just grew apart and it was time to move on. I know some think we could have worked on it another 18 but we both just knew it was over so we ended it.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 11, 2014 21:19:51 GMT -5
I don't disagree with any of the advice given but if you're looking at decades everyone changes (and if they don't that's a bigger issue imo). There is no way to know if you will grow more together or farther apart. Which really is where the commitment to each other comes in-but just because you both feel that at 30, doesn't mean it will be around still in 10 years. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I don't know if I agree..... I think the core of a person doesn't change. And isn't it what matters? I can see that too... But idk. Dh and I have been together since we were 17. We are both so far removed from those kids... which is probably a good thing... I have no idea if I'm the same person even at my core as I was then. And I almost feel like the details are what make or break a relationship. I've never questioned if dh were a good person, but I've questioned us plenty.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 14, 2014 10:08:09 GMT -5
I can see that too... But idk. Dh and I have been together since we were 17. We are both so far removed from those kids... which is probably a good thing... I have no idea if I'm the same person even at my core as I was then.
I think it depends on the starting age of the people in the relationship.
At 28, my character is MUCH more well thought out and deeply ingrained than it was when I was 18 (which, as I mentioned, is when I first met DH). It's also VERY different.
I can see my 38 year old character not being all that different from my 28 year old character. I think at this point, what you see is what you get. There's an exponentially bigger difference between 18 and 28 than there is between 28 and 38, and so forth. At least that's how I see it.
I think most people still have a shitload of growing up to do at 18 and can often be a very different person at the end of that process.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 14, 2014 10:23:09 GMT -5
This is kind of an extension of Firebird's thread on making a marriage work. I think a huge part is actually marrying the right person so that the marriage has a shot of working. So I would like to hear how people realized they had found the right person. I always went for relationships where we had a lot of fun & there was a huge spark between us. I obviously made bad choices. Now I am starting to date again & although marriage may or may not be in my future, I don't want to make another bad choice. Just go with a flow and pray. There is no guarantee in marriage. Because we are alive people who have feelings that are changing...right when you least expect it and could sworn it would never happen to you. Same goes for him. So you just have to find someone with a good heart who will care for you and hope and pray that caring for you goes a long long way for many many years. Do not ever take good man for granted. There isn't many and best of luck.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 14, 2014 10:25:13 GMT -5
Hell if I know how I did it. [ How did I find the right person? Beats the hell out of me. A crapshoot indeed! I dunno - I got lucky. Fate/Karma/Jesus/The Universe/Allah/Goddess was smiling on me . . .
You all are seriously not helping with this advice -rofl-trust us - it is best you will get and it is very true. -lightbulb-And HOW do you quote more than one person into same post?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 14, 2014 10:33:43 GMT -5
I don't know!!! That is part of the reason I started the thread to see if going for spark was a wrong move. There is a lot less spark with the guy I am dating now & I am trying to figure out if maybe that is a good thing. I wouldn't have wasted time if there wasn't a huge spark 10 years ago, but look where that has gotten me... And frankly everyone has been less than helpful Don't get upset. Spark is a right move. Unless you want a settle. Not everyone is made to 'settle'. I say if you had a huge spark for 10 years and it lasted - you are a lucky one. Do you know that some people live all their life and they have no spark and I say it is life wasted. I would rather to have sparks and lose them than settlement. Again it is me but for YOU personally maybe this is a solution. Have to decide for yourself. Give this guy time. But if being with him does not turn your stomach out - give him a chance. I believe in destiny. Do you?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 15, 2014 11:22:06 GMT -5
You all are seriously not helping with this advice -rofl-trust us - it is best you will get and it is very true. -lightbulb-And HOW do you quote more than one person into same post? I open each quote in a new page, but then copy each back into one response. Don't know if that makes sense.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 15, 2014 11:37:45 GMT -5
-rofl-trust us - it is best you will get and it is very true. -lightbulb-And HOW do you quote more than one person into same post? I open each quote in a new page, but then copy each back into one response. Don't know if that makes sense. If they are on the same page, you can use the "select quote"on the upper right drop down menu. Select as many on the page you want but "quote" the last one.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 15, 2014 11:42:26 GMT -5
I dated a guy just before DF and I got back together. He wanted to get married and I didn't. So he married someone else. He isn't happy and says I'm his soul mate which is why he isn't happy. He married someone for security reasons which I understand but if you do that, it's going to be rare that your heart follows. I think he magnifies our relationship to be more than it ever was. I'm sure his relationship is better than he thinks it is, too.
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Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 15, 2014 15:20:56 GMT -5
-rofl-trust us - it is best you will get and it is very true. -lightbulb-And HOW do you quote more than one person into same post? I open each quote in a new page, but then copy each back into one response. Don't know if that makes sense. I open each quote in a new page, but then copy each back into one response. Don't know if that makes sense. If they are on the same page, you can use the "select quote"on the upper right drop down menu. Select as many on the page you want but "quote" the last one. So that's how you do that! Thanks. This was a test and it worked!
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 15, 2014 16:35:04 GMT -5
I open each quote in a new page, but then copy each back into one response. Don't know if that makes sense. If they are on the same page, you can use the "select quote"on the upper right drop down menu. Select as many on the page you want but "quote" the last one. So that's how you do that! Thanks. This was a test and it worked! It doesn't seem to work if they are on different pages so I do what angel suggests in those cases.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 15, 2014 17:54:20 GMT -5
I open each quote in a new page, but then copy each back into one response. Don't know if that makes sense. If they are on the same page, you can use the "select quote"on the upper right drop down menu. Select as many on the page you want but "quote" the last one. I had no idea. I have been doing this the hard way
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