Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 15:15:47 GMT -5
This is kind of an extension of Firebird's thread on making a marriage work. I think a huge part is actually marrying the right person so that the marriage has a shot of working. So I would like to hear how people realized they had found the right person. I always went for relationships where we had a lot of fun & there was a huge spark between us. I obviously made bad choices. Now I am starting to date again & although marriage may or may not be in my future, I don't want to make another bad choice.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:17:53 GMT -5
Yeah, nothing to add to this thread either, but probably should read what others have to say. My judgement is obviously messed up!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:21:23 GMT -5
Hell if I know how I did it. People aren't static so even if DH was perfect back in 2004 that doesn't mean he's going to be perfect in 2014.
Things really could have turned sour about 3 years ago between us. I can't be assured it won't happen again either.
I just take it on faith, for a lack of a better word, that we're a good fit for each other and will remain so for the rest of our lives.
You'd think we wouldn't work at all because we are polar opposites and if you swallow the Eharmony Kool-aid that is not how relationships are supposed to work. Yet we balance each other out.
I was with someone who I had A LOT in common before I met Dh but it turned out that we also shared a lot of our more darker/negative traits. We got into a cycle of reinforced negativity and that's not a good thing.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 15:23:25 GMT -5
I met DH when we were 18 and 21, respectively (technically we met when we were little kids but that doesn't count). I liked him right away but we were NOT in good places for a relationship at the time. I suppose I should speak only for myself - *I* was really fucked up at the time and my life was a mess.
So I basically turned down his attempts to pursue me and unfortunately really hurt him in the process. I never imagined we'd have a second chance later in life, but that's how it worked out. Five years later (after seeing each other very occasionally in between at various functions) the timing was finally right and it just fell into place.
It still took me a loooooooooooooooooooooong time to relax into the relationship - I knew right away that it was going to be a huge, life-changing thing for both of us and that scared the shit out of me.
I don't know how I really knew he was right for me - it wasn't just one thing, it was living with him and seeing our lives wrap around each other and being there for each other during three tragic/horrifying life events.
So I'm not the right person to ask, really. I still feel very lucky he was willing to take a chance on me after all those years.
Can't wait to see what other people say, though. Good thread!
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 15:25:24 GMT -5
Hell if I know how I did it. People aren't static so even if DH was perfect back in 2004 that doesn't mean he's going to be perfect in 2014. This is what really gets me. People change over time & especially if you marry young, you are both going to change a lot. I have been thinking about this a lot because my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary, but they seem miserable. They are two completely different people than when they married (at 22) & both seem to hate what the other has become. It makes me sad & question the whole idea of a lifetime commitment.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 15:26:35 GMT -5
I could actually see myself getting old with current DH. Never could see that with XH. Not even the day before we got married. If I'd bailed though, I'd never have been in position to meet DH.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:29:00 GMT -5
I have to say, I do think I made a good choice with my first husband as far as him being responsible, dependable, hard working, good family man...but there was very little spark. We were like brother and sister. We're STILL like that.
Second husband I swung the other way. It was all about the passion and fun. Honestly, I wasn't totally on board with the whole marriage idea. I thought we had it pretty good being weekend partners when older son was at his Dad's, but he really wanted it and I missed being married and having someone, so I conceded.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:29:20 GMT -5
They are two completely different people than when they married (at 22) & both seem to hate what the other has become. It makes me sad & question the whole idea of a lifetime commitment.
If it makes you feel better my parents were married at 21 and 25, today they seem more in love with each other than ever.
Which blows my mind because they had an extremely volatile marriage when I was growing up. I'm surprised they didn't murder each other. I thought for sure they'd be divorced by now but instead they are going on 32 years.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jul 10, 2014 15:29:20 GMT -5
I don't believe in one right person, or soul mates, or whatever. Sounds nice in fairy tales, but isn't real. DH and I made the commitment to make things work, and so far they are. I think it's more about my attitude and willingness to make things work than anything. And finding someone who's just as willing to work as you are.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 10, 2014 15:30:54 GMT -5
My extended family tends to have reasonable happy marriages and doesn't do divorces. Hell if I know how we do it but I've got several siblings and cousins going on 15-25 years of marriage and they're late 30s to late 40s. I'm an outlier because I didn't meet DH until I was 30. Everyone seems happy (maybe that's just because the kids are heading off to college...) but I'm not privy to what goes on behind closed doors.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 10, 2014 15:35:42 GMT -5
That makes me sad. My parents still adore each other. Both of their sets of parents were happily married until my Grandpas passed away. They held hands until their dying day.
I think it is the willingness to grow with a person. No, you aren't going to be the same person and neither is the person that you marry. But if you and your partner are willing to keep the other person in mind as you change and grow together then I think it will work. I also think happiness is a choice.
I always say don't expect to change the other person, but don't expect them to stay the same either.
Both of my siblings got married very young and after 19 and 16 years of marriage they are both as happy as ever. No they aren't the same people they were at 21, but they are so sickenly happy.
For me it helps to be surrounded by successful marriages. Watching how they have done it and are still happy, how they worked through the stress of having young kids (and sick kids). How life wasn't exactly how they planned... It helps watching them and seeing how they did it.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 10, 2014 15:36:05 GMT -5
Hell if I know how I did it. People aren't static so even if DH was perfect back in 2004 that doesn't mean he's going to be perfect in 2014. This is what really gets me. People change over time & especially if you marry young, you are both going to change a lot. I have been thinking about this a lot because my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary, but they seem miserable. They are two completely different people than when they married (at 22) & both seem to hate what the other has become. It makes me sad & question the whole idea of a lifetime commitment. Yep, see, this is my problem, too. And it isn't because we were too young. I was 28 and current DH was 38 when we met. We got married 4 years later. Now, it's been 14 years and we could not be more different than the people we were back then. It takes work every day to learn to adapt to each other.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 10, 2014 15:40:36 GMT -5
I met a guy on the internet, had sex the night we met, moved in together after three months of dating, and married six years later. It's a crapshoot.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 10, 2014 15:44:32 GMT -5
Hell if I know how I did it. People aren't static so even if DH was perfect back in 2004 that doesn't mean he's going to be perfect in 2014. This is what really gets me. People change over time & especially if you marry young, you are both going to change a lot. I have been thinking about this a lot because my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary, but they seem miserable. They are two completely different people than when they married (at 22) & both seem to hate what the other has become. It makes me sad & question the whole idea of a lifetime commitment. One of the reasons people should have a starter DH. To learn what to do and what not to do! My first DH was a great guy but looking back I don't think I was ever in love with him. He proposed to me since I was 17 and he finally wore me down but I learned so much from him! I'm with DH 2 now who is younger and I'm still teaching him. After 27 years I think he's special needs. How did I find the right person? Beats the hell out of me. He's just willing to put up with me?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 15:50:31 GMT -5
This is what really gets me. People change over time & especially if you marry young, you are both going to change a lot. I have been thinking about this a lot because my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary, but they seem miserable. They are two completely different people than when they married (at 22) & both seem to hate what the other has become. It makes me sad & question the whole idea of a lifetime commitment. One of the reasons people should have a starter DH. To learn what to do and what not to do! The funny thing is I am so much less stressed about dating this time around. I have no biological clock ticking, so I think that is the difference. I am in no rush to meet mr perfect & have a family this time around. It is oddly freeing. Of course, there is the flip side of he has kids, I have kids....will we like each others kids....will our kids get along...how the hell would you actually go through the process of marrying and making it work with that many players involved, etc So I guess I traded one stress for another stress.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 15:53:03 GMT -5
The funny thing is I am so much less stressed about dating this time around. I have no biological clock ticking, so I think that is the difference. I am in no rush to meet mr perfect & have a family this time around. It is oddly freeing.
I could see that being very freeing. The stepchildren thing is rough but people make it work all the time - my BFF recently married a man with four children ages 5-18. They adore her and vice versa
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:54:23 GMT -5
Great I have The Brady Bunch theme song stuck in my head.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 10, 2014 15:59:36 GMT -5
I met a guy on the internet, had sex the night we met, moved in together after three months of dating, and married six years later. It's a crapshoot.
I bumped into him at a wedding of some mutual friends, went on our first date 3 weeks later, accepted my engagement ring 7 weeks after that, and married him 7 months after that - - so 9 months and +/- 2 weeks after we first met, I married him. Along the way, I learned that he had a good job, drove a paid-for car, had never been married, had no kids, no debts, no criminal or legal problems, no addiction issues AND had the down payment for a home sitting in the bank . You can bet I swooped him up as quickly as I could - how many times does a girl run into a guy in his late 20's who WANTS to get married and has no baggage? That was 31 years ago.
A crapshoot indeed! I dunno - I got lucky. Fate/Karma/Jesus/The Universe/Allah/Goddess was smiling on me . . .
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 10, 2014 16:09:22 GMT -5
One of the reasons people should have a starter DH. To learn what to do and what not to do! The funny thing is I am so much less stressed about dating this time around. I have no biological clock ticking, so I think that is the difference. I am in no rush to meet mr perfect & have a family this time around. It is oddly freeing. Of course, there is the flip side of he has kids, I have kids....will we like each others kids....will our kids get along...how the hell would you actually go through the process of marrying and making it work with that many players involved, etc So I guess I traded one stress for another stress. Blended families are tough no matter what the circumstances are! But, don't let that dissuade you if you really connect with someone. Even if you don't connect with his kid(s) right away that doesn't matter, either. It takes what is being talked about on the other thread: mutual commitment, mutual goals, same values and morals, etc. No matter how much you plan ahead you cannot anticipate all the issues you'll encounter with a blended family. But, there are all the surprise blessings to go along with it!
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 10, 2014 16:12:14 GMT -5
I met a guy on the internet, had sex the night we met, moved in together after three months of dating, and married six years later. It's a crapshoot.
I bumped into him at a wedding of some mutual friends, went on our first date 3 weeks later, accepted my engagement ring 7 weeks after that, and married him 7 months after that - - so 9 months and +/- 2 weeks after we first met, I married him. Along the way, I learned that he had a good job, drove a paid-for car, had never been married, had no kids, no debts, no criminal or legal problems, no addiction issues AND had the down payment for a home sitting in the bank . You can bet I swooped him up as quickly as I could - how many times does a girl run into a guy in his late 20's who WANTS to get married and has no baggage? That was 31 years ago.
A crapshoot indeed! I dunno - I got lucky. Fate/Karma/Jesus/The Universe/Allah/Goddess was smiling on me . . .
Lol, um, mine didn't look good on paper until a couple of years ago!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 10, 2014 16:16:31 GMT -5
I bumped into him at a wedding of some mutual friends, went on our first date 3 weeks later, accepted my engagement ring 7 weeks after that, and married him 7 months after that - - so 9 months and +/- 2 weeks after we first met, I married him. Along the way, I learned that he had a good job, drove a paid-for car, had never been married, had no kids, no debts, no criminal or legal problems, no addiction issues AND had the down payment for a home sitting in the bank . You can bet I swooped him up as quickly as I could - how many times does a girl run into a guy in his late 20's who WANTS to get married and has no baggage? That was 31 years ago.
A crapshoot indeed! I dunno - I got lucky. Fate/Karma/Jesus/The Universe/Allah/Goddess was smiling on me . . .
Lol, um, mine didn't look good on paper until a couple of years ago!
Well mine had some family issues that didn't surface until later (he was the IP of a pretty dysfunctional dynamic), but I learned to deal. He has days where he's still pretty "tender" emotionally (like when we lost one of the foster kittens last week, I hugged him while he cried) - - but I've re-framed it as a good guy with a good heart who is in touch with and actually talks about and DEALS with his feelings. And he is
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 10, 2014 16:22:45 GMT -5
If anybody wants to know how you know you found the WRONG person, just give me a shout out. I'm an expert on that one.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 10, 2014 16:33:28 GMT -5
Hell if I know how I did it. People aren't static so even if DH was perfect back in 2004 that doesn't mean he's going to be perfect in 2014. This is what really gets me. People change over time & especially if you marry young, you are both going to change a lot. I have been thinking about this a lot because my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary, but they seem miserable. They are two completely different people than when they married (at 22) & both seem to hate what the other has become. It makes me sad & question the whole idea of a lifetime commitment. Two questions:
1 : Have you asked both of them why they don't divorce the other?
2 : Not knowing anything about your parents, is it at all possible they like their current arrangement and that is why they stick together? Would they be happier without each other? What seems miserable to you may not necessarily be miserable to them.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 16:59:10 GMT -5
This is what really gets me. People change over time & especially if you marry young, you are both going to change a lot. I have been thinking about this a lot because my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary, but they seem miserable. They are two completely different people than when they married (at 22) & both seem to hate what the other has become. It makes me sad & question the whole idea of a lifetime commitment. Two questions:
1 : Have you asked both of them why they don't divorce the other?
2 : Not knowing anything about your parents, is it at all possible they like their current arrangement and that is why they stick together? Would they be happier without each other? What seems miserable to you may not necessarily be miserable to them.
No, I'll admit I never ask. I would guess they are just used to things the way they are and not unhappy enough to actually divorce. It could just be things aren't as bad as they appear & they each just like to vent to me
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 10, 2014 17:04:38 GMT -5
Two questions:
1 : Have you asked both of them why they don't divorce the other?
2 : Not knowing anything about your parents, is it at all possible they like their current arrangement and that is why they stick together? Would they be happier without each other? What seems miserable to you may not necessarily be miserable to them.
No, I'll admit I never ask. I would guess they are just used to things the way they are and not unhappy enough to actually divorce. It could just be things aren't as bad as they appear & they each just like to vent to me Your folks just may be just like Marie and Frank Barone of Everyone Loves Raymond. In public, they always seem to be fighting. But in private, they get along well and love each other, warts and all.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 10, 2014 17:06:04 GMT -5
No, I'll admit I never ask. I would guess they are just used to things the way they are and not unhappy enough to actually divorce. It could just be things aren't as bad as they appear & they each just like to vent to me And sometimes the devil that you know is better than the devil that you don't know... Yea that. I was trying to think of that expression earlier. Thanks. And it's true.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 17:10:46 GMT -5
No, I'll admit I never ask. I would guess they are just used to things the way they are and not unhappy enough to actually divorce. It could just be things aren't as bad as they appear & they each just like to vent to me Your folks just may be just like Marie and Frank Barone of Everyone Loves Raymond. In public, they always seem to be fighting. But in private, they get along well and love each other, warts and all. But it is the opposite, in public they seem like a fabulous couple. Whenever I am alone with one though all I hear is bitching about the other. I have seriously been asked by each if I think the other might have early onset alzheimers because they think something is wrong with them. According to my Dad, my Mom has become weird & brainwashed by the likes of Glen Beck & constantly talks about how the US is over & is very worried about doomsday prepping. According to my Mom, my Dad has developed a temper and has no patience & only lives to bitch about one of his coworkers.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jul 10, 2014 17:12:01 GMT -5
Two questions:
1 : Have you asked both of them why they don't divorce the other?
2 : Not knowing anything about your parents, is it at all possible they like their current arrangement and that is why they stick together? Would they be happier without each other? What seems miserable to you may not necessarily be miserable to them.
No, I'll admit I never ask. I would guess they are just used to things the way they are and not unhappy enough to actually divorce. It could just be things aren't as bad as they appear & they each just like to vent to me My grandparents were kind of like that, until my grandfather died. I swear they couldn't stand each other. Honestly, I think my grandmother only stayed in the marriage because she wanted to be "respectable" and my grandfather stayed because he was too lazy to leave. I remember being in the hardware store and them yelling at each other. After my grandfather died, my grandmother acted like they had the most wonderful loving marriage that had ever been seen. It was kind of hysterical to be honest. It's like she forgot that there were people around who witnessed her marriage first hand and knew the truth.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 10, 2014 17:19:05 GMT -5
Your folks just may be just like Marie and Frank Barone of Everyone Loves Raymond. In public, they always seem to be fighting. But in private, they get along well and love each other, warts and all. But it is the opposite, in public they seem like a fabulous couple. Whenever I am alone with one though all I hear is bitching about the other. I have seriously been asked by each if I think the other might have early onset alzheimers because they think something is wrong with them. According to my Dad, my Mom has become weird & brainwashed by the likes of Glen Beck & constantly talks about how the US is over & is very worried about doomsday prepping. According to my Mom, my Dad has developed a temper and has no patience & only lives to bitch about one of his coworkers. Fear not regarding early onset Alzheimer's disease. My mom did not have early onset Alzheimer's, but had the good old fashion later-in-life Alzheimer's. For about 7-8 years, my dad was always saying she was forgetting things. I told him it was normal to forget a few things when you are in your early 70s. But dad said it was all the time. Sure enough, she was diagnosed with AD.
Some older people get cranky. Some remain even keeled. Some a mix of both. Tell your dad to tell your mom to turn off the TV and tell your mom to tell your dad she doesn't want to hear about his co-workers anymore.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Jul 10, 2014 17:21:05 GMT -5
This is what really gets me. People change over time & especially if you marry young, you are both going to change a lot. I have been thinking about this a lot because my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary, but they seem miserable. They are two completely different people than when they married (at 22) & both seem to hate what the other has become. It makes me sad & question the whole idea of a lifetime commitment. One of the reasons people should have a starter DH. To learn what to do and what not to do! My first DH was a great guy but looking back I don't think I was ever in love with him. He proposed to me since I was 17 and he finally wore me down but I learned so much from him! I'm with DH 2 now who is younger and I'm still teaching him. After 27 years I think he's special needs a normal male. How did I find the right person? Beats the hell out of me. He's just willing to put up with me? Corrected. It's a genetic condition that afflicts the whole gender, not a deficiency unique to this speciman.
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