Marrying the right person

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I met a guy on the internet, had sex the night we met, moved in together after three months of dating had a long distance relationship for 10 years, I moved in almost 3 years ago and and married six years later  both of us are still alive.  It's a crapshoot.

[Spellbound454]

I've always made bad choices...so don't really have a clue

I think Love turns you in to an idiot.....and you lose the power to think rationally.

If I were to do it again... I'd want someone who could bring at least as much to the relationship as I could.

[tskeeter]

Jul 10, 2014 17:10:46 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Jul 10, 2014 17:04:38 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Your folks just may be just like Marie and Frank Barone of Everyone Loves Raymond.  In public, they always seem to be fighting.  But in private, they get along well and love each other, warts and all.

But it is the opposite, in public they seem like a fabulous couple.  Whenever I am alone with one though all I hear is bitching about the other.  I have seriously been asked by each if I think the other might have early onset alzheimers because they think something is wrong with them. 

According to my Dad, my Mom has become weird & brainwashed by the likes of Glen Beck & constantly talks about how the US is over & is very worried about doomsday prepping.  According to my Mom, my Dad has developed a temper and has no patience & only lives to bitch about one of his coworkers. 

Personal observation.  As we (my Dad and I) age, we get less tolerant and less patient.  We also get more conservative.  (Does this have something to do with now having enough resources that we are part of the "haves" who see a portion of what we worked for being redistributed to the "have nots"?_

[Angel!]

Jul 10, 2014 17:21:27 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

  It's a crapshoot.

Jul 10, 2014 15:21:23 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Hell if I know how I did it.

Jul 10, 2014 15:40:36 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

It's a crapshoot.

Jul 10, 2014 15:44:32 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

[ How did I find the right person? Beats the hell out of me.

Jul 10, 2014 15:59:36 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

A crapshoot indeed! I dunno - I got lucky. Fate/Karma/Jesus/The Universe/Allah/Goddess was smiling on me . . .

You all are seriously not helping with this advice

[Angel!]

Jul 10, 2014 15:54:23 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Great I have The Brady Bunch theme song stuck in my head.

LOL, I have 3 kids & so does he, so I have heard the Brady Bunch thing a lot already.  As though after a month of dating marriage is seriously on the horizon  I'm not sure I ever want to remarry, but man do people like to talk about it when you have the same number of kids as the Bradys.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

You all are seriously not helping with this advice


Sorry.  TD and I almost didn't happen.  He was coming out to visit me and the weekend before I was up in NY.  My cell phone reception stunk, so couldn't get anything from him.  I got back from NY and expected him the next weekend, but he wasn't online, didn't email, nothing.  I called, nothing.  I finally got him on IM and he said "if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you" and then disconnected.

Hmmmm.......

So the weekend after that, I was walking into work and my cell phone dinged with a new voicemail......that was sent the weekend I was in NY.  TD had laid out all his plans for the visit and asked me to call and confirm.  I didn't call and confirm because I didn't get the freaking voicemail.  I called him then and there and explained what happened.

He said he was thisclose to blowing me off.  He didn't think that I was the passive aggressive sort who would agree to something and rather than say that this wasn't going to work, would blow him off, but that's how he perceived it.  Plans made again and the rest is history.

[Deleted]

One of my good friends had another friend that got divorced around the same time that I did. My friend told me we were making her afraid to get married. I told her there's nothing wrong with marriage, it's just that sometimes we don't choose the right person to marry or we get married for the wrong reasons. I still believe that to be true.

How you choose the right person, I don't have a clue. When I got divorced, I said I wasn't getting married again. After all these years, I've never even come close to thinking about it. I still believe marriage is a good thing though and I'm happy for people that figure out how to make it work.

[Deleted]

I married too young.  Divorced 11 Years later.  Have not ever been willing to take that chance again.  I think some people are just meant to be alone, including me.

[billisonboard]

I have married the right person a few times.  They just changed into the wrong person after I married them.

[kittensaver]

Jul 10, 2014 17:41:59 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

One of my good friends had another friend that got divorced around the same time that I did. My friend told me we were making her afraid to get married. I told her there's nothing wrong with marriage, it's just that sometimes we don't choose the right person to marry or we get married for the wrong reasons. I still believe that to be true.

How you choose the right person, I don't have a clue. When I got divorced, I said I wasn't getting married again. After all these years, I've never even come close to thinking about it. I still believe marriage is a good thing though and I'm happy for people that figure out how to make it work.

I know I got married because I very much wanted to have a life companion. I wanted to belong to a stable, loving partnership. Because I was raised in a very conservative religion, I was taught that marriage was the only way to do that. Getting married gave me a life. What I learned later is that for "them," it was (and still is) the only acceptable way to do it. But from the vantage point of time, I see all around me that it is possible to do it without being married and without even caring what others think is "acceptable."

I no longer see marriage as an end-all and be-all. If anything, it is much more of a legal and social contract than it is about love and connectedness - as in, lots of folks have love and connectedness without being married. If I were to lose DH, I seriously doubt I would marry again. I would probably seek another loving, companionate relationship, but I know I don't have to marry to get it.

But I definitely see its value for children - especially for the legal protection of children. I think marriage can be good for the organization and stability of a culture and/or social group. Even if the marriage doesn't last, the kids have the legal right to support and protection of their procreators. But I also get that it's also not the only way.

[Tennesseer]

Jul 10, 2014 17:51:12 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

I have married the right person a few times.  They just changed into the wrong person after I married them.

I have always believed there are multiple soul mates for each of us to meet, marry/cohabitate and remarry/recohabitate.

[billisonboard]

Jul 10, 2014 18:09:58 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Jul 10, 2014 17:51:12 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

I have married the right person a few times.  They just changed into the wrong person after I married them.

I have always believed there are multiple soul mates for each of us to meet, marry/cohabitate and remarry/recohabitate.

I became to question if a couple of them actually had a soul for me to mate with.

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 10, 2014 17:21:05 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

Jul 10, 2014 15:44:32 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

One of the reasons people should have a starter DH.  To learn what to do and what not to do! 

My first DH was a great guy but looking back I don't think I was ever in love with  him.  He proposed to me since I was 17 and he finally wore me down but I learned so much from him!

I'm with DH 2 now who is younger and I'm still teaching him.  After 27 years I think he's special needs a normal male.   How did I find the right person? Beats the hell out of me. He's just willing to put up with me?

Corrected.  It's a genetic condition that afflicts the whole gender, not a deficiency unique to this speciman.

Oh, I thought it was.  The first specimen I had married didn't seem as dense.  Luckily the 2nd specimen has other great qualities.   

The Walk of the Penguin Mich  Boy did you play into his hands!  He was acting all hurt so you'd feel sorry for him and put out the first night.  Or was it the other way around and you were really playing are to get so he'd put out the first night?     And give him a big ole hug for me, please.  He is still missed!

I have married the right person a few times. They just changed into the wrong person after I married them.

 So you broke them? That's your fault!   

[quince]

I was starting to think I was aesexual until I met him, and then I was like an infatuated 14 year old. It took a couple of years for the infatuation to wear off. Still not sure he was the right person, but I also can't imagine a better person for me to be with.

[kittensaver]

Jul 10, 2014 18:25:33 GMT -5 quince said:

I was starting to think I was aesexual until I met him, and then I was like an infatuated 14 year old. It took a couple of years for the infatuation to wear off. Still not sure he was the right person, but I also can't imagine a better person for me to be with.

Many years ago (when I was dating), a wise person said to me: "You will know you have found the right person when he is everything you NEED, but nothing that you THOUGHT you wanted."

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 10, 2014 18:09:58 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Jul 10, 2014 17:51:12 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

I have married the right person a few times.  They just changed into the wrong person after I married them.

I have always believed there are multiple soul mates for each of us to meet, marry/cohabitate and remarry/recohabitate.

FIXED 

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2014 17:21:27 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I met a guy on the internet, friend of a friend, had sex the night we met, moved in together after three months of dating had a long distance relationship for 10 years, I moved in almost 3 years ago and and married six years later  got pregnant two months later, and again three years after that, got married 6 months in to the second pregnancy, both of us are still alive.  It's a crapshoot.

I really do struggle with advice to the kids. It's such an important thing, and I just hit lucky...

[shanendoah]

C and I were friends for a few years before starting to date. I think that helped. We also broke up a few times in our dating relationship, and had to learn to get past those issues.

I can tell you all the reasons that C is the right person for me, but those exact same reasons might not make a person the right one for you.

I go back to me main comment on the other thread. Communication. To know if you have the right person or not, you have to be able to talk. It doesn't matter how long you've known each other. If you can't communicate, it won't work. If you can, then you have a chance.

I still sometimes have to force myself to say things to C that I don't want to say, that are hard for me to say, but I know that all of our real issues have come from not talking about things that are bothering us, so I force myself to talk to him. His response is not always what I want to hear, but it's something I need to hear, and he needs to hear me say my piece.

So, for me, the way you know you've found the right person is when you can talk to them- not that talking to them is always easy, but that you can talk to them, and that you can handle hearing what they have say in response.

[Deleted]

I think I got lucky too.

I didn't know him long before moving in with him.

We had similar backgrounds.

Both from middle class families, parents both divorced.

I knew he was cute, kind, generous, loyal, and could get a little wild.

 I was young, immature, stupid, but I quess smart enough to keep him.

[imanangel]

I really do think it is a crapshoot.  I don't know.  For me, I knew I had found the one when I realized for the first time in my life I felt safe, loved, free, and at peace.  I didn't want that feeling to ever end.  We were friends first for 2 months and then he told me he was in love with me.  He proposed 3 months later and we were married 5 months after he proposed.  

[Deleted]

Crapshoot!!!

I don't think I married the "right person" but I think we both want it to work so bad that we have turn it into the "right relationship" for us.

I have met dozens of women that I was more in sink with than my wife but at the end of the day I wanted to go home and be with her. Sometimes she gets jealous because I have "female" friends that I am always "texting" but that is because we have things in commons:
- some hobbies
- some work
- some misc interest

But they all know I am married, have all met my wife and know how I feel about her. I don't believe in the saying that my wife needs to be my everything. I have different people/friends that feel different needs in my life but my wife will always remain #1.

I dunno, it works for us. Like I said we created the "right atmosphere" where our marriage works. We have learned that we cannot try to make our marriage like someone else marriage and you don't always know what happens behind close doors... We try to find what works for us, we are different.

[ArchietheDragon]

Jul 11, 2014 7:55:09 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Crapshoot!!!

I don't think I married the "right person" but I think we both want it to work so bad that we have turn it into the "right relationship" for us.

I have met dozens of women that I was more in sink with than my wife but at the end of the day I wanted to go home and be with her. Sometimes she gets jealous because I have "female" friends that I am always "texting" but that is because we have things in commons:
- some hobbies
- some work
- some misc interest

But they all know I am married, have all met my wife and know how I feel about her. I don't believe in the saying that my wife needs to be my everything. I have different people/friends that feel different needs in my life but my wife will always remain #1.

I dunno, it works for us. Like I said we created the "right atmosphere" where our marriage works. We have learned that we cannot try to make our marriage like someone else marriage and you don't always know what happens behind close doors... We try to find what works for us, we are different.

Becareful with female friends.  We all know how much Haitian men like to have a little something on the side. 

[CarolinaKat]

Jul 10, 2014 15:40:36 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

I met a guy on the internet, had sex the night we met, moved in together after three months of dating, and married six years later. It's a crapshoot.

Mine kind of went like this. Except I didn't think I'd ever see him again. But he called the next day. And took me out on a date the next weekend. He called and came over as much as he though he could get away with. I DID NOT was a serious relationship. I wanted FUN AND SEX!!!!

Fortunately DH is smarter than me and very patient. Pretty soon I realized I hadn't dated anyone in a while and didn't really feel like dating anyone else either. DH still teases me that "I didn't want to date him."

Anyway he moved in after 3-4 months. When he moved in, it was like he was always supposed to be there. He fit in to my little life and it felt 'right.' Even our families get along. Didn't hurt my cats adopted him immediately.

[Cookies Galore]

Jul 11, 2014 8:07:40 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Jul 10, 2014 15:40:36 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

I met a guy on the internet, had sex the night we met, moved in together after three months of dating, and married six years later. It's a crapshoot.

Mine kind of went like this. Except I didn't think I'd ever see him again. But he called the next day. And took me out on a date the next weekend. He called and came over as much as he though he could get away with. I DID NOT was a serious relationship. I wanted FUN AND SEX!!!!

Fortunately DH is smarter than me and very patient. Pretty soon I realized I hadn't dated anyone in a while and didn't really feel like dating anyone else either. DH still teases me that "I didn't want to date him."

Anyway he moved in after 3-4 months. When he moved in, it was like he was always supposed to be there. He fit in to my little life and it felt 'right.' Even our families get along. Didn't hurt my cats adopted him immediately.

My cat took an immediate liking to hubs as well! I guess she knew before I did. :-)

[CarolinaKat]

Jul 10, 2014 18:41:18 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Jul 10, 2014 18:25:33 GMT -5 quince said:

I was starting to think I was aesexual until I met him, and then I was like an infatuated 14 year old. It took a couple of years for the infatuation to wear off. Still not sure he was the right person, but I also can't imagine a better person for me to be with.

Many years ago (when I was dating), a wise person said to me: "You will know you have found the right person when he is everything you NEED, but nothing that you THOUGHT you wanted."

OMG yes yes yes!!!!!!! This is so true.

If i'd have gone to the boyfriend store, I would not have chosen DH. But now, I cannot see my life without him.

[CarolinaKat]

Jul 11, 2014 8:12:07 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

Jul 11, 2014 8:07:40 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Mine kind of went like this. Except I didn't think I'd ever see him again. But he called the next day. And took me out on a date the next weekend. He called and came over as much as he though he could get away with. I DID NOT was a serious relationship. I wanted FUN AND SEX!!!!

Fortunately DH is smarter than me and very patient. Pretty soon I realized I hadn't dated anyone in a while and didn't really feel like dating anyone else either. DH still teases me that "I didn't want to date him."

Anyway he moved in after 3-4 months. When he moved in, it was like he was always supposed to be there. He fit in to my little life and it felt 'right.' Even our families get along. Didn't hurt my cats adopted him immediately.

My cat took an immediate liking to hubs as well! I guess she knew before I did. :-)

Ziva became his cat when he picked me up for the first date. Nevermind that I saved her life, nursed her back to health, raised her kittens, gave her a home and cared for her for over a year before she ever met DH. Nope! DH walks in and she velcros herself to his leg and I became chopped liver.

[Phoenix84]

Jul 10, 2014 15:15:47 GMT -5 Angel! said:

This is kind of an extension of Firebird's thread on making a marriage work.  I think a huge part is actually marrying the right person so that the marriage has a shot of working.

So I would like to hear how people realized they had found the right person. 

I always went for relationships where we had a lot of fun & there was a huge spark between us.  I obviously made bad choices.  Now I am starting to date again & although marriage may or may not be in my future, I don't want to make another bad choice.

So, would you say that was a mistake? Going for fun and the "spark?"

Or was there other factors that you didn't consider but should have?

I'm just curious, so perhaps I can avoid marrying the wrong person someday.

[kittensaver]

Jul 11, 2014 8:17:20 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Jul 11, 2014 8:12:07 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

My cat took an immediate liking to hubs as well! I guess she knew before I did. :-)

Ziva became his cat when he picked me up for the first date. Nevermind that I saved her life, nursed her back to health, raised her kittens, gave her a home and cared for her for over a year before she ever met DH. Nope! DH walks in and she velcros herself to his leg and I became chopped liver.

Was my Darcy re-incarnated as you Ziva? This was Darcy and DH to a "t" (30 years ago).

[Angel!]

Jul 11, 2014 14:08:28 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Jul 10, 2014 15:15:47 GMT -5 Angel! said:

This is kind of an extension of Firebird's thread on making a marriage work.  I think a huge part is actually marrying the right person so that the marriage has a shot of working.

So I would like to hear how people realized they had found the right person. 

I always went for relationships where we had a lot of fun & there was a huge spark between us.  I obviously made bad choices.  Now I am starting to date again & although marriage may or may not be in my future, I don't want to make another bad choice.

So, would you say that was a mistake? Going for fun and the "spark?"

I don't know!!! That is part of the reason I started the thread to see if going for spark was a wrong move. There is a lot less spark with the guy I am dating now & I am trying to figure out if maybe that is a good thing. I wouldn't have wasted time if there wasn't a huge spark 10 years ago, but look where that has gotten me...

And frankly everyone has been less than helpful

Or was there other factors that you didn't consider but should have?

In retrospect, there were definitely other factors. At the time I thought a lot of the stuff was just because he was young, 23 & hadn't gone to college. So I thought he was still in kind of the college phase lifestyle (drinking & partying) & would grow out of it in a few years when we got married & had kids. Maybe most guys would have & instead the guy I picked got worse He was also pretty bad at managing money, I saw that early on. But, I didn't see that as an issue because he had no problem letting me handle all the money and pay all the bills. At least for the first half of our marriage when there was more than enough to go around. When things became tight all of a sudden that became a huge issue in our relationship.

Maybe as others said it is just a crapshoot & he could have just as easily grown up like I assumed he would. Or maybe those were signs that I should have run away at the start. Even in retrospect I honestly can't come up with any red flags before we married regarding the anger issues or mental health issues. I really don't think I could have saw those coming...IDK.

I think my biggest take from my experience would be don't go in assuming they will change. If you don't like who they are now, then move on.

[CarolinaKat]

Jul 11, 2014 14:12:15 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Jul 11, 2014 8:17:20 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Ziva became his cat when he picked me up for the first date. Nevermind that I saved her life, nursed her back to health, raised her kittens, gave her a home and cared for her for over a year before she ever met DH. Nope! DH walks in and she velcros herself to his leg and I became chopped liver.

Was my Darcy re-incarnated as you Ziva? This was Darcy and DH to a "t" (30 years ago).

If she was, then Darcy is enjoying a very happy next life as 'velcro kitty' aka Ziva. She's a total Daddy's Girl!

I think animals 'know' even when we don't.