Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 2, 2014 10:03:09 GMT -5
Do you feel taken for granted in your home and family life? Do your kids and/or spouse not appreciate all the things, big and small, you do? Or do you feel they notice and appreciate the things you do. Has this ever been an issue for you?
What about in your work life?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2014 10:13:36 GMT -5
Yes I am completely taken for granted at home, and somewhat at work. But to be fair, so is DH. (Though, I try not to take DH for granted, and I know he doesn't take me for granted.)
Sometimes, it is a huge issue for me. When my well is dry. So, I know that it my cue that I need to take better care of myself.
I try to remember that my kids really aren't going to appreciate us until they are in their mid-twenties or later.
That's a really, really long time to hear a meaningful, thank you for all you've done and to wait for them to really "get" it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 2, 2014 10:15:40 GMT -5
Sometimes. It's hard to keep all the balls I'm juggling in the air but I've been so good at it for so long that it's very easy for people to assume I can just keep going.
And sometimes it feels like when I make a mistake I get bitch slapped whereas the slacker who never did anything. ..well that's normal so whatever. It feels like I only get noticed when I stop performing up to people's expected standards.
I am getting better about speaking up at home when I feel like DH is taking me for granted and what I want from him. Sometimes it's just I want a thank you, other times it's I really need him to step up and do something that normally he just assumes I'll take care of.
At work there isn't much I can do about it. My pay is approved by the state and I work on grant money, so it isn't like I can ask for a raise or a bonus if I exceed expectations. It's part of why I am burned out on academia, it seems like you're expected to give 120% but not be compensated for it because a bean counter in the state department decides you don't need a raise.
My boss is extremely busy as well and I am not one of those people that expects constant praise for my work. For the most part I am of the mentality that the fact I haven't been fired means I am doing a good job. But that only goes so far sometimes, so when my boss actually says thank you or tells me good job it is appreciated.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 2, 2014 10:19:24 GMT -5
Yes I am completely taken for granted at home, and somewhat at work. But to be fair, so is DH. (Though, I try not to take DH for granted, and I know he doesn't take me for granted.) Sometimes, it is a huge issue for me. When my well is dry. So, I know that it my cue that I need to take better care of myself. I try to remember that my kids really aren't going to appreciate us until they are in their mid-twenties or later. That's a really, really long time to hear a meaningful, thank you for all you've done and to wait for them to really "get" it. Well, I'm in my late 20's and I've never given my parents a meaningful, heartfelt "thank you." That said, we still have a pretty good relationship and we're part of each other's lives. But as I've grown older, I realize many of the things they did. For example, growing up it was always taken for granted Dad always went to work, now that I go to work day in and day out, I realize it wasn't always so easy at it appeared.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 2, 2014 11:18:46 GMT -5
I think at some point we all feel taken for granted.
In my case it's not on a daily basis or anything like that. Usually DH and DS are appreciative to what I do. They will thank me for doing their laundry, making them dinner, etc. DS is very good about thanking me when I have to drive him places or run an errand for him. I do get annoyed when I spend my time to wash, dry and fold their clothes and they just the folded pile of clean clothes on the floor in front of their closets.
Work- here I feel more taken advantage of but I think I may bring some of that on myself. As the only female working for the company and in a male dominated field I do end up not speaking up as much as I could or should. I just hate to be labeled a bitch over the little things. They are used to just assuming that if I eat lunch at my desk one day that I'd be happy to answer the phone every two minutes or stay behind to man the office so the rest of the freaking company can go to Vegas for a trade show. In that regard I do feel taken advantage of because they know they can rely on me so they just assume I'll always be there to pick up the slack. This morning was a prime example- boss forget a bid was due and swung in to sign off on it and expected me to drop everything and send it off. The dispatcher had an "errand" he wanted to run at 9am. Salesman A had a funeral to attend and Salesman B needed to go "check on the guys". So they all scattered and left me with a dozen faxes to send out (and resulting questions to answer), customers walking in, employees with questions, etc. It was a crazy 45 minutes there and no one said "hey thanks for covering for me". That gets old. Bossman has been making a point to be more appreciative lately. Other day he even texted me to tell me I'm "good at what I do". Which, trust me, is huge praise coming from him.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Jul 2, 2014 11:25:47 GMT -5
The department head was probably trying not to step on anyone's toes and make enemies in your department. Getting them on board with the idea and agreeing to it beforehand makes it a little easier for them to swallow, so to speak. I am happy for you that someone noticed you are doing a good job.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jul 2, 2014 11:28:39 GMT -5
All the time, especially at work. But I did have to laugh, while reading the "preview" while I was still on the new topics page, the first post read like an infomercial
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jul 2, 2014 11:30:16 GMT -5
The department head was probably trying not to step on anyone's toes and make enemies in your department. Getting them on board with the idea and agreeing to it beforehand makes it a little easier for them to swallow, so to speak. I am happy for you that someone noticed you are doing a good job. At least you are valued property.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 2, 2014 11:49:49 GMT -5
I am completely taken for granted by my family. My family consists of a bunch of good people, but they have such strange ideas sometimes. The worst is, "You don't have a family. You have time to do this stuff for Mom." Now keep in mind, I don't mind one bit doing stuff for my mom, but sometimes the things that need doing take more than just me. When I ask for help, I always get the "we are busy with our kids" stuff. People just assume that since I don't have kids, I have no life. (It's true, but they don't KNOW that.) I just nixed my attendance at our annual 4th of July cookout, because I know I'll be left to clean up the mess while the others have to "watch" their kids. Not happening again.
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violagirl
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Post by violagirl on Jul 2, 2014 11:54:56 GMT -5
I don't generally feel taken advantage of. But the other night when I quickly whipped up some fresh pasta (even rolled it by hand, I can't get the machine to work) with pesto, freshly grated Romano and a side salad - there was no more of a reaction than if I had handed my husband a bowl of Kraft Dinner. I got a thanks, but not the THANKS! that is commensurate with the amount of effort it took to make.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2014 12:06:09 GMT -5
I think I used to be but not anymore
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 2, 2014 12:12:16 GMT -5
I probably get more thanks from DD than anyone. Even then, it feels like it's few & far between, & I get more thank you's from the girl than anyone. Although sometimes I also get "thank you" from DH. And, from Mom, when I do her laundry. Others, not so much...
GEL, good planning! I'd skip it too, if everyone leaves you the mess.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 2, 2014 12:16:05 GMT -5
I probably get more thanks from DD than anyone. Even then, it feels like it's few & far between, & I get more thank you's from the girl than anyone. Although sometimes I also get "thank you" from DH. And, from Mom, when I do her laundry. Others, not so much...
GEL, good planning! I'd skip it too, if everyone leaves you the mess. Appreciate the vote of support. I'm feeling pretty guilty right now. Easter was horrific and I'm not having one more holiday ruined by working my butt off all day so that others can enjoy their "day off". I wouldn't mind a bit if we sort of took turns on who gets the "day off", but that doesn't seem to be happening, so I'm just not going. Sounds kind of pouty and whiny when I put it down on paper.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 2, 2014 12:22:12 GMT -5
GEL, can you plan a trip out of town for the next holiday? Sounds like now is the time to plan those Thanksgiving & Christmas cruises!
No, I don't think you're being pouty.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 2, 2014 12:27:41 GMT -5
That's an excellent idea, busymom. I just might!
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 2, 2014 12:57:06 GMT -5
I had been feeling taken for granted at work, but recently it was mentioned that there may be a new position created specifically for me. I felt excited and proud for all of ten seconds. The head of the department that wants to bring me on board didn't speak to me directly. They spoke to my supervisor, asking for permission (well, that's how my supervisor relayed the info anyway). It sort of made me feel like property. That's not that uncommon in the workplace. The head of the other department didn't want to "ninja" you out from under your current boss without discussing it with them first. It was just common courtesy. I wouldn't take it personally.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 2, 2014 13:02:53 GMT -5
I am completely taken for granted by my family. My family consists of a bunch of good people, but they have such strange ideas sometimes. The worst is, "You don't have a family. You have time to do this stuff for Mom." Now keep in mind, I don't mind one bit doing stuff for my mom, but sometimes the things that need doing take more than just me. When I ask for help, I always get the "we are busy with our kids" stuff. People just assume that since I don't have kids, I have no life. (It's true, but they don't KNOW that.) I just nixed my attendance at our annual 4th of July cookout, because I know I'll be left to clean up the mess while the others have to "watch" their kids. Not happening again. I escape a lot of that stuff by being several states away. Have you considered moving?
Though to be fair, my parents and sister are pretty independent. I don't think they'd be calling me up for favors that often, except maybe to take care of the dog. But I am glad I don't have to take care of the dog, because I really don't like that dog much.
For the record, I like dogs in general, just my parent's particular dog.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2014 13:04:23 GMT -5
I probably get more thanks from DD than anyone. Even then, it feels like it's few & far between, & I get more thank you's from the girl than anyone. Although sometimes I also get "thank you" from DH. And, from Mom, when I do her laundry. Others, not so much...
My DS is really sensitive and will thank me for things like bowling outings, a special desert. My DD1 is kind of rude and thoughtless, actually, to DH and I. Friends and DD2, and even DS, she's more empathetic. She rarely says thank you for anything. I pretty much call her out on her rudeness all the time. Which starts the tears/drama. But, whatevs. DD1 will comment though when someone has cleaned and say something positive immediately. Actually, DD2 is also rude, but she's 2. So, I give her a little slack. One of her first words was thank you, and it was nice to hear it after changing a diaper. DH and try to model saying thank you to each other. At first I was like GAFB. I shouldn't have to "thank" DH for doing his "job" of cooking, laundry, etc. Now it's my way of saying I appreciate you. The same goes for him.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2014 13:06:21 GMT -5
Appreciate the vote of support. I'm feeling pretty guilty right now. Easter was horrific and I'm not having one more holiday ruined by working my butt off all day so that others can enjoy their "day off". I wouldn't mind a bit if we sort of took turns on who gets the "day off", but that doesn't seem to be happening, so I'm just not going. Sounds kind of pouty and whiny when I put it down on paper. No, I don't think so. Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you can be used..I wouldn't be pouty, I'd be pissed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 13:06:59 GMT -5
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Jul 2, 2014 13:17:05 GMT -5
I wouldn't like that at all. If you have an opportunity to progress your career you have every right to take your chances in the way you see fit. Its no business of a supervisor...you are a paid employee....and that's all. As for being taken for granted Its usually "Oh I won't bother with that because she'll do it when she gets in from work" Sometimes I'll erupt and accuse everyone of being lazy....and its ok for a few days but it starts again
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 13:17:38 GMT -5
I know I suck. But once again, this is an example of my 'be happy' interior dialogue. Yes. i do sometimes feel taken for granted, in the heat of the moment. I use this moment to 1) remind myself that this is something I've chosen to put time and energy into for myself because it is important/beneficial/ etc. to me and as such I'm doing it for me and not someone else or accolades. 2) to re assess and make sure that # 1 is still accurate and 3) if NOT plan how I can stop putting time and energy into it from here on out.
ETA: that is not to say that heartfelt praise and thank yous aren't well received and appreciated. Just the process I take to make the 'taken for granted' feeling go away.
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kjto1
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Post by kjto1 on Jul 2, 2014 13:19:46 GMT -5
I probably get more thanks from DD than anyone. Even then, it feels like it's few & far between, & I get more thank you's from the girl than anyone. Although sometimes I also get "thank you" from DH. And, from Mom, when I do her laundry. Others, not so much...
GEL, good planning! I'd skip it too, if everyone leaves you the mess. Appreciate the vote of support. I'm feeling pretty guilty right now. Easter was horrific and I'm not having one more holiday ruined by working my butt off all day so that others can enjoy their "day off". I wouldn't mind a bit if we sort of took turns on who gets the "day off", but that doesn't seem to be happening, so I'm just not going. Sounds kind of pouty and whiny when I put it down on paper. I think you should ignore the guilt. You want a "day off", so you are not going where the work is. I hope you have a wonderful day - and don't answer the phone when they call looking for you!
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 2, 2014 13:34:11 GMT -5
I believe you can only be taken for granted if you allow it! Now, on the job, there are limitations to that of course. You don't want to lose your job just because you don't feel appreciated enough. It happens sometimes and I just suck it up and keep on working hard. It pays off.
With family, I will not allow them to take me for granted. If they do, stop doing whatever it is you're doing for them (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) and let them figure it out themselves. Only then will they (maybe) appreciate the constant effort it takes. My kids are all in their early to mid-20's and they have all thanked me for what I did for them and all I put up with. I'm forever grateful for that.
I also balance it all out by making time for myself. My daily gym time is factored into my work day. Not negotiable. It's not that I'm obessessive about working out - it's the concept of it. At the gym is when I get to be ME. Not someone's wife, mom, grandmother, employee, etc. Nothing wrong with those roles, as I chose them. But I have to remember to be "me", too.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 2, 2014 14:28:32 GMT -5
Does "you have insurance" count as a happy thought? Because that's pretty much what keeps me from going insane at work right now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 14:31:52 GMT -5
Yep. If that's the thing that makes the job worth doing, then that is the happy thought.
You can expand on it as much as possible.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 2, 2014 14:33:52 GMT -5
How about, "I'm staying out of prison by not strangling the lot of them." Does that count as positivity?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 2, 2014 14:36:02 GMT -5
Does "you have insurance" count as a happy thought? Because that's pretty much what keeps me from going insane at work right now. At the moment, my husband's life insurance gives me a happy thought... But probably for nefarious reasons.
I've had some of those nights lately. It's bad enough I can't get any sleep because I have to pee every five minutes, but he snores so loudly I swear the windows shake.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 2, 2014 14:38:11 GMT -5
How about, "I'm staying out of prison by not strangling the lot of them." Does that count as positivity? Works for me!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 14:49:24 GMT -5
Telling someone who feels completely overwhelmed and taken for granted to just think happy thoughts or just stop doing those certain things when they really can't only creates more frustration. FYI I've said before I don't know why its easier for some people than others, and i wish it was easier for everyone. But you have to start somewhere. And telling yourself how shitty you have it day in and day out cant produce much good. So maybe starting to change small inner dialogues can help If it doesn't work for you, feel free to ignore.
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