happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 1, 2014 9:57:18 GMT -5
You allow your kid to make their own choices about their body as much as possible, depending on how old they are and what impact that choice will have.
So for instance when my son was three or four, I wouldn't tell him what to wear in the morning. I would set out two or three sets of clothes and let him pick what he wanted to wear that day. If he wanted to wear mismatched colors, I let him, because it really didn't matter if he matched. If he wanted to wear swim trunks in winter, I did not let him.
When he was in high school, I let him wear his hair as long as he wanted, because it didn't matter if he had long hair. But he had to maintain a B average in school, because grades did matter, especially since our state has a merit based scholarship for all kids with a B average or above going into college - it pays your tuition at a state college.
As your kid gets older you're supposed to dictate less and less what they have to do. By the time he finished high school the only rules our son had was to maintain good grades and stay out of trouble. If you don't do that, you end up with a kid who can't function on his own - he either goes wild when he hits college, because he finally can decide to do what he wants to do for himself, or he has to constantly call mommy so she can tell him what he needs to do all the time.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 1, 2014 10:09:45 GMT -5
I caught a lot of shit from my EXs family because I wouldn't force my kids to slobber all over them. His family is nuts and we moved as far away as we could from them. Still, he brought that nuts into our family so you never totally escape it.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 10:37:15 GMT -5
A few years ago, milee consulted the board about a very difficult decision - whether or not to force her child to undergo a non-medically necessary procedure. It was a really fascinating thread. I would be interested in hearing her thoughts on the bodily autonomy part of this discussion, if she wants to share. It's interesting you mention this because I was remembering that thread when you brought up the example of wearing braces on the teeth as a teen versus a back brace for a three year old. Body autonomy is a very difficult and charged subject, plus it's highly dependent on the child's maturity and nature. FWIW, here's how we have handled that issue at various times in our children's lives:
As little guys they didn't have to hug, kiss or sit on anyone's lap unless they wanted to. I'd talk to them about being polite with our words and they couldn't be rude, but they didn't have to make physical contact. One son was very resistant to touching other people at most times and the other's default is to be very snuggly, and both were OK.
At all ages, they have to be wearing sufficient clothing to not violate public indecency laws, but the type of clothing was up to them. One son wore a lime green velveteen butterfly flower fairy jacket with pink sparkly wings for about 3-4 years until it was so small on him it was like a bolero jacket. His clothing choices tend more to the tie dye and bedazzled spectrum. The other started wearing a suit and tie to school about 4 years ago and still does about 3-4 days a week. Both boys like to wear nerd t-shirts with puns about the elements. None of this is my style, so no idea where it came from and frankly, sometimes their choices are embarrassing for me but IMHO this is a very small thing compared to the advantages of them feeling like they have some degree of control in their life and also being able to pick and choose which battles are important.
Around age 10, we were worried about the oldest son's growth. He's always been very small for his age (was 16 pounds on his first birthday and at age 10 was still fitting nicely into size 6-7 clothing) and a doctor suggested that without growth hormone he might end up very, very short as an adult. The thread Firebird refers to was regarding this issue - we weren't sure if he was mature enough to understand and evaluate the alternatives and consequences. He was deathly afraid of needles and had to be restrained for vaccinations as a little guy so would do anything to avoid the daily shots that growth hormones required. As a somewhat emotionally immature 10 year old, we weren't sure if he could really understand what life might be like for him as a 5'1" adult man, though. So our dilemma was not just whether growth hormone was a good idea, but whether it was OK to force on him against his will. Eventually we decided against the growth hormone for a variety of reasons - some related to our concerns about long term effects and some related to our concern about forcing something that was mainly being done for lifestyle not health reasons on him against his express objections. It wasn't easy and it wasn't clear cut.
At earlier ages, medical decisions - including vaccinations - were made by me. Now that the older son is mature enough and demonstrated his ability to weigh long term risk and consequences, we make many of the decisions together. He and I both researched the HPV vaccination last year and we discussed the physical, social and emotional responsibilities associated with this particular issue. He decided to get it, even though he hates and is really afraid of needles. I approved of that decision but would have respected his right to refuse that vaccination if that was what he chose. It was also his decision whether or not to get braces on his teeth since that was for cosmetics and not medically necessary.
Soon we may be encountering the issue of what level of autonomy is appropriate again. Over the past year, he grew over 5 inches - yay! - but when he grew he developed sudden severe scoliosis. He's 14 and by that age, many boys are nearing the end of their growth period, but it appears from xrays that he is still very skeletally immature. That's a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that he's going to probably grow into a normal height or even be tall. The curse is that scoliosis curves are often greatly accelerated during growth. He's at 38 degrees now (from 9 degrees about 18 months ago). At 40 degrees, they're a surgical candidate and at 45 degrees, surgery is highly recommended because virtually 100% of those severe curves continue to worsen and produce debilitating lifetime pain and even compromise organs and breathing. But right now, as is common with adolescents, it doesn't hurt at all, so even though it looks odd, he's not too worried. When he gets to 40-45 degrees, we'll be faced with making a decision on whether to have surgery then (knowing he's still skeletally immature and may need revising later or that the surgery may prevent future curving but also that right now we have very good surgical specialists in our insurance network but our healthcare plan is one of the grandfathered plans that will be going away in the next few years) or wait. No easy answers. So far, we're making decisions jointly. He agreed with the surgeon's recommendation to wear a back brace and is being very compliant with wearing it. Based on my research, I have mixed feelings about the brace but support his decision to wear it. When his curve gets to the 40-45+ point, we'll decide together again and I hope that we can all come to a decision that works.
Like Sheila's son, my oldest son has long ago advanced past the point where I could help him with most homework, even though I did well in Calculus and used to tutor Statistics in college. He is incredibly intelligent and learns easily. But for him, that intelligence regarding academics is only a piece of a complicated puzzle. Social and emotional learning has been more difficult for him and I often think he's approximately 2-3 years behind on emotional development. Very tough to figure out how to appropriately parent and guide a person that is years ahead of most peers academically and intellectually but 2-3 years delayed socially and emotionally. So there are things that he is more than capable of doing and deciding perfectly well and other things that he still needs guidance on. He's doing well and is a good egg, so he'll be OK. Getting to OK is sometimes a tricky ride, though.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 1, 2014 10:48:05 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing, milee. Very interesting to read. I've always liked your posts about parenting your boys.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 10:49:59 GMT -5
Oh, I thought of one other thing we do regarding health issues. We structure things to strongly encourage and incentivize them to make the right choice, but don't force, cajole or monitor. An example is PT for the oldest son right now. There is no medical evidence that PT cures scoliosis, but it can relieve some of the pain, improve health and insure they recover more quickly from surgery plus make them feel better about themselves. I'm a big believer in physical activity and DS isn't a big fan.
So I gave him the research I'd found, set him up with a great PT I know and explained to the PT that only a part of this was about scoliosis and part was about giving a young teen some "show off" muscles so that he'd feel awesome when he looked at his guns in the mirror. DS agrees to go to the first week and try it. He's been sticking with it and doing well. I'm thrilled! But I wouldn't force him to go to PT if he didn't want to, nor do I wake him up in the mornings to do that. He has to want to and he has to get himself up and ready. So far, so good.
Now if PT has been proven to cure scoliosis but DS didn't want to try it, that would be a whole new conundrum. It's always a matter of judging your own kid's maturity and issues versus what's necessary for health or just a nicety. Very few black and white lines.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 10:50:57 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing, milee. Very interesting to read. I've always liked your posts about parenting your boys. It is because we're like one of those very interesting science experiments that is totally fascinating but about which you thank God every day you're not a part of?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 1, 2014 10:55:45 GMT -5
It is because we're like one of those very interesting science experiments that is totally fascinating but about which you thank God every day you're not a part of?Well, now that you mention it... No, honestly it's because I like the way you raise your kids and I have on occasion modeled my approach with my daughter on something you've said and probably will do that more as she gets older.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 1, 2014 11:02:51 GMT -5
milee- thank you for sharing. I have a feeling that our sons would get along very well if they ever met.
DS wore this orange puffy vest for years. He was obsessed with it and wore it until it was way too small. He also was a fan of capes and would ask us to tie his blanket like a cape. Yes he went out in public like that. He has also grocery shopped as batman. He has a distinct disdain for long sleeved shirts (except dress shirts) and sweaters. He flat out refuses to wear sweaters, sweatshirts, etc. He is very hot blooded and claims that things with sleeves are too hot. He loves the ironic, nerdy t-shirts- has dozens of them. He also decided this year that kids are too casual at school so he started wearing slacks, a dress shirt and bow tie to school at least once a week. He doesn't care he rocks them. He asked for (and we bought him) a bowler hat recently. He has been on the look out for a top hat too.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 11:03:48 GMT -5
It is because we're like one of those very interesting science experiments that is totally fascinating but about which you thank God every day you're not a part of?Well, now that you mention it... No, honestly it's because I like the way you raise your kids and I have on occasion modeled my approach with my daughter on something you've said and probably will do that more as she gets older. That's a very nice compliment.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 1, 2014 11:10:55 GMT -5
I agree with Firebird. Lately it has occurred to me (as I'm guessing happens to most parents as their kids leave the "pet rock" stage of infancy) that I can take care of DD's physical needs well enough, but I have zero fucking clue how to actually parent her! I think I need to just put some of you guys on speed-dial.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 1, 2014 11:12:40 GMT -5
She will let you know.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 1, 2014 11:44:53 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing, milee. Very interesting to read. I've always liked your posts about parenting your boys. It is because we're like one of thosei very interesting science experiments that is totally fascinating but about which you thank God every day you're not a part of? I think I'm part of one with DD. So if you have suggestions about parenting the extremely bright but socially immature girl, I'm all ears.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 1, 2014 11:47:23 GMT -5
I agree with Firebird. Lately it has occurred to me (as I'm guessing happens to most parents as their kids leave the "pet rock" stage of infancy) that I can take care of DD's physical needs well enough, but I have zero fucking clue how to actually parent hier! I think I need to just put some of you guys on speed-dial. Um, yeah. Don't call me. I don't have a clue what I'm doing.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 11:48:27 GMT -5
It is because we're like one of thosei very interesting science experiments that is totally fascinating but about which you thank God every day you're not a part of? I think I'm part of one with DD. So if you have suggestions about parenting the extremely bright but socially immature girl, I'm all ears. No suggestion other than to be patient and creative.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 1, 2014 12:00:47 GMT -5
I think I'm part of one with DD. So if you have suggestions about parenting the extremely bright but socially immature girl, I'm all ears.
My sister struggles with this with my niece. She will be 10 at the end of July but until recently you would have sworn she was years younger because of how she acted. She was still throwing temper tantrums on a pretty regular basis. This won't all work for you- part of it was they moved to a different state and DN was pulled out of her element. Here everyone knew her and coddled her. She has a shunt in her brain which has very little impact on her day to day life but she used it for a crutch and everyone let her. All she had to say was "my head hurts" and they'd start babying her. Her grandma (BIL's mom) was the worst culprit of this. My sister got transferred to 3 hours south of here and DN had to start at a new school and make new friends. That move was the best thing that ever happened to my niece. No one knew her history so she couldn't rely on her old standbys. In her old school she'd start crying if she didn't want to do PE and they'd let her sit out or go to the library. At the new school she'd start crying and the teacher would send her to the principal and they'd call my sister.
Sister struggled for years to find an appropriate punishment for DN's behavior. I kept telling her that A. she needed to follow through on the punishment and not just have empty threats and B. she needed to figure out a specific punishment for my niece.
They figured out that she really liked watching a particular show on the Disney channel that my sister would TiVo. So if niece was naughty she'd get a warning- my sister would tell her "this is your warning, change your behavior because the next time I have to say something about it I'm deleting the next episode off TiVo" First few times DN didn't believe her until she made her sit on the couch and watch as she deleted a few episodes. DN threw a fit but after a couple of days realized that her mom wasn't kidding.
Now their punishment is being grounded from the iPad. Once she was so naughty and kept acting up that she lost it for a month. So far they haven't had to punish her in quite a while but she does know that mom's not joking around anymore.
That's what worked for my sister. Obviously I'm not suggesting you move but shake up her comfort zone a bit and find a consequence that hits home for your DD and follow through. Empty threats dont' work because kids clue in pretty fast that it's an empty threat.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 12:05:17 GMT -5
Girls are harder in that respect I think because 1) they are louder. And 2) they physically mature faster. Hmm... Guess that wasn't helpful I'll send you lots of warm thoughts and good wishes! Does that help?
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 1, 2014 12:49:42 GMT -5
I support using Love and Logic concepts.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 1, 2014 13:28:40 GMT -5
We started with time out, moved to taking favorite toys away, moved to taking his computer time away, moved to taking his playstation away, moved to taking his phone away, moved to taking his car keys away.
You have to find what it is that really matters to the kid, depending on his age.
I used to tell him I would not have a problem taking away all his stuff until he had only a mattress in his room and a change of clothes to wear, if that was what was needed to get him to follow the rules. He didn't really even need a door.
I see a lot of parents making empty threats and the kids know all they have to do is cry or whine to get back whatever it is they wanted. Kids figure out very quickly if the parents won't follow up on the punishment. Find out what means the most to them and then follow through.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 1, 2014 13:56:07 GMT -5
I see a lot of parents making empty threats and the kids know all they have to do is cry or whine to get back whatever it is they wanted. Kids figure out very quickly if the parents won't follow up on the punishment. Find out what means the most to them and then follow through.
That was exactly my sister's problem for years. She'd make empty, unrealistic threats and not follow through on them at all. Seriously- who's going to cancel Christmas if a kid doesn't eat her vegetables? Plus she needed to tailor the consequence to the specific kid. What worked for my niece did not work for her brother. He could give a flying fig about Good Luck Charlie or whatever show it was his sister wanted to watch.
Another niece of mine loses her music if she is naughty. She loves her iPod and gets grounded from that or the Wii if she is naughty.
My brother has zero control of his kids. He will tell them not to do something and they will literally laugh in his face. As in walk up to him, get in his face and say "Ha Ha! You aren't the boss of me!!!!" and walk away and keep doing whatever it was they were just told not to do. He is all about the empty threats and has no follow through so there is never a consequence to their actions.
Note- I am now realizing how many kids get grounded from Apple products for being naughty
When the Boy was little (around 8 or so) he started acting a fool and would try to throw a fit or slam a door. We happened to be watching an episode of Nanny 911 or some such show and he commented on one of the kids and said "wow, that kid is really being a brat about doing his homework" I looked at him and said "Remember Tuesday? That's what you did when I reminded you about your spelling packet". It was an eye opener for him and he started to realize just how he was behaving.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 14:10:44 GMT -5
We happened to be watching an episode of Nanny 911 or some such show and he commented on one of the kids and said "wow, that kid is really being a brat about doing his homework" I looked at him and said "Remember Tuesday? That's what you did when I reminded you about your spelling packet". It was an eye opener for him and he started to realize just how he was behaving.
This is a good point. The advice about how to tailor punishment and carry through to be effective is good stuff and you definitely need it in your parenting toolkit. But if the only tool you use is well tailored punishment, with really smart kids you're quickly going to get to a really unpleasant relationship between adversaries. You'll ultimately "win" but it will be pretty unpleasant for all of you and you risk the kid missing the point and just complying to avoid the punishment rather than gaining the ability to make good choices and knowing why. That smart, stubborn kid will be so focused on manipulating, how to misbehave while still technically being within the rules and the battle of wills, s/he could lose sight of the actual issues that are involved. In other words, you don't want a fiendishly smart kid totally and solely focused on avoiding punishment.
You need to above all figure out how to foster a good bond where the kid feels like you're on the team together. In Sheila's example, the Boy got a great eye opener because he was looking at it from being on the same team with the parent. If you can get the kid on the same page that you're a team and everything you do is focused on how best to make the team (family) work, that really, really helps with the choices a smart kid makes. Yes, when they're smaller they'll still struggle with self control and any kid is going to test limits or just make plain old bad choices, but if they truly deeply believe that you're all on the same team together working for a common goal, they do start to make smarter and better choices.
But some of them sure do take a long time to get it.
FWIW, the oldest son that was such a challenge as a little guy has just turned into a really fantastic kid. While I type this, he's taking a break from his programming (he teaches robotics camp to the high schoolers at the gifted school) and making up a checklist for laundry. His idea is by making a laundry system, he can take over the family laundry and not destroy any clothes plus he can teach his younger brother the "system" when it's time to do so. All this from me mentioning earlier that the hamper was looking pretty full. He feels like he's part of the family team and we all pitch in to get things done, so he's pretty good about doing it now and he also wants to get it done well. Big, big changes from where he started.
ETA - I wasn't quoting Sheila to direct this at her, just using her Boy's revelation as an example.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 1, 2014 14:21:05 GMT -5
I do take things away. I don't do empty threats. I have cancelled birthday party attendance ( brought her to the party to drop off the tort and apologize she can't stay), take a way a favorite doll, the computer, the iPad, movies, etc. it doesn't work lomg term.
What at does work is food, but it won't go there. She already has food issues.
Another thing that worked was taping her fit and showing it to her teacher. Doesn't work in the summer.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 1, 2014 14:23:39 GMT -5
But if the only tool you use is well tailored punishment, with really smart kids you're quickly going to get to a really unpleasant relationship between adversaries. You'll ultimately "win" but it will be pretty unpleasant for all of you and you risk the kid missing the point and just complying to avoid the punishment rather than gaining the ability to make good choices and knowing why.
This is true. We used examples like the Nanny show to show him the behavior of other kids. When he is in a calm, rational state that's when you have to have these discussions. Mid-meltdown the kid is not in a position to think and reason rationally. You have to put the conversations and consequences into place BEFORE you need to act on them.
With regards to my niece- my sister flat out asked her conversationally "what's your favorite thing to do after school?" "what's your favorite toy to play with?" Right there the kid gave her the punishment idea. When she said "I like watching good luck Charlie while you make dinner". Then my sister said "ok so if you couldn't watch it you would be upset right?" My niece agreed so DSis said "Ok, the next time I ask you to do something and you refuse or you throw a fit then I'm going to delete an episode off from TiVo and you won't be allowed to watch that show as punishment". Obviously since she wasn't currently in trouble she agreed. So the next time she was naughty and my sister deleted the episode she told her "this was your idea, you knew what the consequences were".
The Boy is coming back from Germany tomorrow and we chatted with him while he was gone. I asked him about his host brother (who stayed with us for a month in the fall) and he told me "if I behaved like him you would not be impressed and I'd have a ton of new rules". GK (German Kid) is significantly more dramatic than DS so there was door slamming, cranking his music up very loud, whining, etc. Gave DS an eye opener on how some teenagers behaved. GK was on his best behavior when he was with us but back home he was himself again. It was interesting for DS to see him in a different light.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 1, 2014 14:30:06 GMT -5
I think I have such a hard time dealing with DD beciase she is soooooooooo dramatic.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 14:32:20 GMT -5
I do take things away. I don't do empty threats. I have cancelled birthday party attendance ( brought her to the party to drop off the tort and apologize she can't stay), take a way a favorite doll, the computer, the iPad, movies, etc. it doesn't work lomg term. What at does work is food, but it won't go there. She already has food issues. Another thing that worked was taping her fit and showing it to her teacher. Doesn't work in the summer. Then you're doing the right things. Be patient and keep doing 'em. She's smart, you're smart and you all love each other - you'll get there. Sometimes it just takes a while.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 14:36:52 GMT -5
With regards to my niece- my sister flat out asked her conversationally "what's your favorite thing to do after school?" "what's your favorite toy to play with?" Right there the kid gave her the punishment idea. When she said "I like watching good luck Charlie while you make dinner". Then my sister said "ok so if you couldn't watch it you would be upset right?" My niece agreed so DSis said "Ok, the next time I ask you to do something and you refuse or you throw a fit then I'm going to delete an episode off from TiVo and you won't be allowed to watch that show as punishment". Obviously since she wasn't currently in trouble she agreed. So the next time she was naughty and my sister deleted the episode she told her "this was your idea, you knew what the consequences were".
Be very, very careful with that. Either niece is not as fiendishly smart as you think or sis got very lucky, but this ham handed approach can lead to big problems. If niece is as smart, stubborn and oppositional as my son was at that age and I said that to him, he'd then be on guard whenever we'd ask him about things so would be careful not to reveal anything we could "use against him" in the future. Bad idea to give them the idea that they can't trust you with personal info. You've just taught her that if she tells you information about her loves, you will use that info against her.
If you need to ask your kid his/her favorite thing, be very sure to separate that by many days/weeks of when you pull out that knowledge to punish him/her.
Again, really smart kids = more issues to consider. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 1, 2014 14:40:41 GMT -5
I think I have such a hard time dealing with DD beciase she is soooooooooo dramatic. Love and Logic one-liners work great for drama suppression. Don't know if this will play here.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 1, 2014 14:54:52 GMT -5
With regards to my niece- my sister flat out asked her conversationally "what's your favorite thing to do after school?" "what's your favorite toy to play with?" Right there the kid gave her the punishment idea. When she said "I like watching good luck Charlie while you make dinner". Then my sister said "ok so if you couldn't watch it you would be upset right?" My niece agreed so DSis said "Ok, the next time I ask you to do something and you refuse or you throw a fit then I'm going to delete an episode off from TiVo and you won't be allowed to watch that show as punishment". Obviously since she wasn't currently in trouble she agreed. So the next time she was naughty and my sister deleted the episode she told her "this was your idea, you knew what the consequences were".
Be very, very careful with that. Either niece is not as fiendishly smart as you think or sis got very lucky, but this ham handed approach can lead to big problems. If niece is as smart, stubborn and oppositional as my son was at that age and I said that to him, he'd then be on guard whenever we'd ask him about things so would be careful not to reveal anything in the future. Bad idea to give them the idea that they can't trust you with personal info. You've just taught her that if she tells you information about her loves, you will use that info against her.
If you need to ask your kid his/her favorite thing, be very sure to separate that by many days/weeks of when you pull out that knowledge to punish him/her.
Again, really smart kids = more issues to consider. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
To give you an example of how that would have played out with my son at age 4:
Me: What's your favorite toy? Son: X Next time he needs punishing I remove X.
A few weeks later: Me: What's your favorite thing to do after school? Son: My chores - I just LOVE my chores.
And that's when you realize that the hunter has now become the game...
Plus, why would you turn a positive bonding thing (sharing loves) into a warning that you can't be trusted with sensitive information?
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Posts: 45,614
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Post by swamp on Jul 1, 2014 14:56:33 GMT -5
With regards to my niece- my sister flat out asked her conversationally "what's your favorite thing to do after school?" "what's your favorite toy to play with?" Right there the kid gave her the punishment idea. When she said "I like watching good luck Charlie while you make dinner". Then my sister said "ok so if you couldn't watch it you would be upset right?" My niece agreed so DSis said "Ok, the next time I ask you to do something and you refuse or you throw a fit then I'm going to delete an episode off from TiVo and you won't be allowed to watch that show as punishment". Obviously since she wasn't currently in trouble she agreed. So the next time she was naughty and my sister deleted the episode she told her "this was your idea, you knew what the consequences were".
Be very, very careful with that. Either niece is not as fiendishly smart as you think or sis got very lucky, but this ham handed approach can lead to big problems. If niece is as smart, stubborn and oppositional as my son was at that age and I said that to him, he'd then be on guard whenever we'd ask him about things so would be careful not to reveal anything in the future. Bad idea to give them the idea that they can't trust you with personal info. You've just taught her that if she tells you information about her loves, you will use that info against her.
If you need to ask your kid his/her favorite thing, be very sure to separate that by many days/weeks of when you pull out that knowledge to punish him/her.
Again, really smart kids = more issues to consider. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
If you tell ask DD what her favorite thing is prior to punishing her, she would tell you something she doesn't care about. She figured that out quick. If you tell her no TV, she will say "what about Seth, why can't he watch TV". If you tell her you're taking away her Elsa doll (them most recent favorite) she will say "I don't like her anymore anyway."
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swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,614
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Post by swamp on Jul 1, 2014 14:57:32 GMT -5
Be very, very careful with that. Either niece is not as fiendishly smart as you think or sis got very lucky, but this ham handed approach can lead to big problems. If niece is as smart, stubborn and oppositional as my son was at that age and I said that to him, he'd then be on guard whenever we'd ask him about things so would be careful not to reveal anything in the future. Bad idea to give them the idea that they can't trust you with personal info. You've just taught her that if she tells you information about her loves, you will use that info against her.
If you need to ask your kid his/her favorite thing, be very sure to separate that by many days/weeks of when you pull out that knowledge to punish him/her.
Again, really smart kids = more issues to consider. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
To give you an example of how that would have played out with my son at age 4:
Me: What's your favorite toy? Son: X Next time he needs punishing I remove X.
A few weeks later: Me: What's your favorite thing to do after school? Son: My chores - I just LOVE my chores.
And that's when you realize that the hunter has now become the game...
Plus, why would you turn a positive bonding thing (sharing loves) into a warning that you can't be trusted with sensitive information?
OMG!!!! That's my kid.
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sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 1, 2014 14:58:12 GMT -5
milee- this is true. I did warn my sister about that. I figure she'll only be able to use that trick the first time. Honestly since that point- once my niece realized that mom was serious and there were consequences to her actions she has changed her attitude.
She still has her moments but they are pretty few and far between. My niece is a normal kid but not fiendishly smart. I don't say that to be rude or anything she is just not the type of kid that will analyze that conversation and look for traps and pitfalls in the future.
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