Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 16, 2014 13:36:28 GMT -5
This thread is inspired by a comment Georgiagal made in my handshaking thread, where she mentioned she didn't want guys holding the door for her.
So, what level and types of chivalrous behavior is appropriate in this day and age? Should a man hold a door for a woman at all times? Some of the time? Under what circumstances?
This was years ago, but one time I was out with a group of friends. We were in multiple cars, and one of the cars (not the one I was in) had to stop for gas. We all waited while they pumped gas, and left. Later, one of the girls complained that none of the guys in the other car pumped her gas for her.
I suppose there's also pulling out the chair for a woman you're with, and maybe even going as far as to order for her during a dinner out. That's the only "chivalrous" behavior that immediately comes to mind, but I'm sure there's more.
So what do you think? What type of traditionally chivalrous behavior is appropriate and when?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 16, 2014 13:38:47 GMT -5
I date an old fashioned guy and like it!
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 16, 2014 13:39:59 GMT -5
I date an old fashioned guy and like it! Can you be a little more specific? What does he do that you like exactly?
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jun 16, 2014 13:41:38 GMT -5
I don't mind people holding doors open for me, although I don't expect it. I also try to return the favor when I can regardless if the person coming through is male or female. Just seems polite to me. Most guys seem to let the ladies off the elevators first here at work, but again I don't expect it and wouldn't really think anything of it if they didn't.
Please please please don't order for me at a restaurant though!! Paying for dinner on a date is one thing, but don't tell the waitress what I want to eat! DH only does that if I am distracted with DD or have to leave the table for a second, otherwise I hate it!
I would never expect anyone else in my car to fill it up if I am driving. Only person who maybe would is DH.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 16, 2014 13:42:50 GMT -5
My mother would have smacked us for not holding a door for her. She didn't care if we were her daughters or her sons - you held the door for Mom because she was usually being a pack mule carting stuff in or out. I hold doors for whomever is behind me going though the door. I don't care if your male or female; handicapped or not. And in this era of double doors, it often means that whomever I held a door for is now holding one for me.
As for other types of chivalrous behavior - making sure I'm satisfied in bed popped into mind. Otherwise, just ofter to help me if you think I need it - or just go ahead and help out.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 16, 2014 13:43:14 GMT -5
Opens my car door, stands up when I leave or come back to the table ( if we are out- not at home) pays if we go out. I tried to buy breakfast once and I thought he'd have a cow. I wish he'd back off a bit but I do like his manners. Holds doors open.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 16, 2014 13:44:08 GMT -5
He does gas my car if we are both in it and I need gas.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 16, 2014 13:45:13 GMT -5
I don't focus just on the chivalry- I think it's a matter of comment decency. I hold the door open for people if they are coming in behind me. A gentleman held the one door open for me this am at the post office because I had three big boxes in my hands. Of course it was an artic entry set up so I still had to juggle to open the second set of doors.
If I'm driving I pump the gas. My car, my responsibility. If I'm with DH he will pump the gas for me and my son will usually offer.
Chivalrous behavior I would deem appropriate: 1. Offering to open the door to a building- especially if my hands are full. Great thanks. Do I expect you to run across the room to beat me to the door? Absolutely not. 2. I find the whole opening a car door for me weird unless you are the valet and expecting a tip. 3. I usually appreciate it when my employees insist I sit in the front seat. I get motion sick and usually they insist I sit up front- not sure if they don't want to risk me getting sick or just want to stay on my good side.
Inappropriate- Please dear god don't call me Ma'am. I don't need to hear that. Usually at stores now they read my credit card and either say "thanks Sheila" or "thank you Mrs...." which is somewhat presumptuous because I don't wear a wedding ring.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jun 16, 2014 13:45:59 GMT -5
He does gas my car if we are both in it and I need gas. My DH does this and has since we were dating. But I've never thought that another passenger in my car would be responsible for pumping my gas! Especially someone I wasn't related to or in a relationship with. Seems odd to me.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 16, 2014 13:46:37 GMT -5
I don't mind people holding doors open for me. I also don't mind people volunteering to help me lift heavy objects and those people do tend to be men. The cases of organics I order are heavy and I can't life them even when I am not pregnant. I'm not going to complain if no one helps me though. I'll spend 15 minutes taking apart the case and putting each individual bottle on my cart. I've figured out how to adapt to being small. I don't like people ordering at a restaurant for me. Only time DH does it is if I am having to take Gwen to the restroom and the waiter comes back before I get to the table. Nine times out of ten he manages to get it wrong despite repeating what I wanted back to me.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 16, 2014 13:46:53 GMT -5
I don't expect grand gestures or anything, but small courtesies are nice, like if we're arriving at the door at the same time. I will also hold it open for the other person.
I always pump my own gas, but if I'm all dressed up, I would really appreciate it if a guy would step up and offer to pump it for me so that I don't risk smelling like gas afterward. I worked with a couple of upper 50's - lower 60's ladies who had never pumped gas in their entire lives, but really led pretty self-sufficient lives otherwise. I don't get it. It seems like it could be a pita to me--husbands having to make a special trip to the gas station for them.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Jun 16, 2014 13:47:41 GMT -5
I have two boys. You can bet that as soon as they were strong enough to open doors I was teaching them to hustle their little buns up there and hold the door for me. Oh yeah, and for any other women, too! I always told them it's just good manners, so they've always done it. As they've started driving, I taught them they need to get the car door for their dates. (Just getting in the car, not getting out, because that's just awkward) I would love if someone pumped my fuel for me since I hate doing it. But that's kind of awkward, too. I mean, what, do I hand them my card or I guess I'll just pump it myself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2014 13:47:49 GMT -5
This thread is inspired by a comment Georgiagal made in my handshaking thread, where she mentioned she didn't want guys holding the door for her.
So, what level and types of chivalrous behavior is appropriate in this day and age? Should a man hold a door for a woman at all times? Some of the time? Under what circumstances?
This was years ago, but one time I was out with a group of friends. We were in multiple cars, and one of the cars (not the one I was in) had to stop for gas. We all waited while they pumped gas, and left. Later, one of the girls complained that none of the guys in the other car pumped her gas for her.
I suppose there's also pulling out the chair for a woman you're with, and maybe even going as far as to order for her during a dinner out. That's the only "chivalrous" behavior that immediately comes to mind, but I'm sure there's more.
So what do you think? What type of traditionally chivalrous behavior is appropriate and when?
I think georgiagal was specifically referring to a guy running to get to a door first so he could open it rather than her opening it and holding it open for the guy.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jun 16, 2014 13:47:53 GMT -5
As for other types of chivalrous behavior - making sure I'm satisfied in bed popped into mind. Otherwise, just ofter to help me if you think I need it - or just go ahead and help out. LOL But seriously, isn't that just common courtesy?
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Jun 16, 2014 13:48:48 GMT -5
I like for men to hold the door. I will also hold the door for anyone coming in behind me or as I'm leaving. Like Sam said it is just politeness. I would probably be offended if someone ordered for me. How does my date know what I'm in the mood to eat? Holding my chair is nice. Opening my car door is BIG points. Nobody does that anymore.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 16, 2014 13:51:23 GMT -5
I don't expect grand gestures or anything, but small courtesies are nice, like if we're arriving at the door at the same time. I will also hold it open for the other person. I always pump my own gas, but if I'm all dressed up, I would really appreciate it if a guy would step up and offer to pump it for me so that I don't risk smelling like gas afterward. I worked with a couple of upper 50's - lower 60's ladies who had never pumped gas in their entire lives, but really led pretty self-sufficient lives otherwise. I don't get it. It seems like it could be a pita to me--husbands having to make a special trip to the gas station for them. They could use a full service gas station too, where the attendant pumps the gas for them. Or only have 1 car. My parents share a minivan. Once a week (or as needed) Dad goes out and fills it up them comes back home.
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kcladyjane
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Post by kcladyjane on Jun 16, 2014 13:52:47 GMT -5
I really like when people hold the door for me if I am within a few steps of that door. I think it is very rude to drop the door closed right in front of someone. I notice that happens a lot nowdays. Especially by teenagers and young 20 somethings. Parents need to teach their children better manners. We are expecting our first child in a few months and I plan on teaching my child manners. I don't expect cars doors to be opened for me or gas to be pumped for me. Really my pet peave is the letting a door close in my face thing. I also get irritated when people don't say thank you when I do something for them.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Jun 16, 2014 13:53:12 GMT -5
Opens my car door, stands up when I leave or come back to the table ( if we are out- not at home) pays if we go out. I tried to buy breakfast once and I thought he'd have a cow. I wish he'd back off a bit but I do like his manners. Holds doors open. Does he have a single brother, please?
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 16, 2014 13:54:56 GMT -5
I don't expect grand gestures or anything, but small courtesies are nice, like if we're arriving at the door at the same time. I will also hold it open for the other person. I always pump my own gas, but if I'm all dressed up, I would really appreciate it if a guy would step up and offer to pump it for me so that I don't risk smelling like gas afterward. I worked with a couple of upper 50's - lower 60's ladies who had never pumped gas in their entire lives, but really led pretty self-sufficient lives otherwise. I don't get it. It seems like it could be a pita to me--husbands having to make a special trip to the gas station for them. They could use a full service gas station too, where the attendant pumps the gas for them. Or only have 1 car. My parents share a minivan. Once a week (or as needed) Dad goes out and fills it up them comes back home. I should have mentioned that full service gas stations are extremely rare to non existent where I, and these ladies, live. There might be one left in town, but I think they took out the gas pumps and only service cars there now.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 16, 2014 13:56:52 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm not sure if there are any around here anymore either, to be honest. There were when I was a kid but it's not something I look for either.
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MN-Investor
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Post by MN-Investor on Jun 16, 2014 13:57:27 GMT -5
Graduating from high school in '71, college in '75, that was really a time of women's lib. My older female relatives were all smart, independent women, so I had a lot of good role models. Plus I had five sisters and one brother, all also smart and independent.
So where does chivalry belong in an age of equality?
For me, basic good manners always wins out.
If I was on a bus and an older person of either sex was standing, I offered them my seat.
If I can open the door for someone, it's only the polite thing to do. And if I reach a door first and go through it first, I hold it open for the person coming behind me. It's only the polite thing to do.
If someone is doing something nice for you, you graciously accept what they are doing and say Thank You. It costs nothing and makes them feel good. Moreover, it reinforces the good manners model.
I remember the initial days of womens' lib where some women proclaimed "I don't need a man to open a door for me!" Well, of course not. So become an equal opportunity door opener. If someone is being polite, just accept it in the spirit it is given, and reciprocate to others. It makes the world a more civil place to live.
That said, I do not expect anyone to open a door for me. I have never expected anyone to hold a chair for me or to do something that I could do myself, such as pump the gas. I expect nothing, so I'm always pleased when I encounter considerate folks. And I try my hardest to also be considerate to my fellow humans.
Thinking about that, it also spills over into my driving. I try to be polite then too. There's way too many impatient folks driving. I try to always leave enough time to get where I'm going, so I never drive impatiently. It makes it easier to treat the other drivers well and give them the benefit of the doubt.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jun 16, 2014 14:03:47 GMT -5
I date an old fashioned guy and like it! Can you be a little more specific? What does he do that you like exactly? They did it on a first date but she pushed him away 2-3 times and said 'oh, no...let's take it slow'...but that phrase she ended saying being all 'done'. Right, zib?
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Jake 48
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Post by Jake 48 on Jun 16, 2014 14:06:31 GMT -5
I'm old school I open DW's car door for her, pump her gas if we are together in her car, hold doors open, hold her purse while trying stuff on etc.. When I first went out w DW, I opened the door to my car for her to get in and as I walked around the back of the car I watched her reach over and unlock my door for me, right then I knew she wasn't a selfish person and was a keeper. If we have female guests at the house, I always walk them out to their cars when they leave, open the door for them Tell my boys the same thing, open doors, walk mom out to her car etc.. DSD has some jackass picking her up for a date, he pulled in the driveway and beeped his horn for her to come out. I told her sit down and I would be right back. Went out to the jackass and told him "pimps beep their horns for girls and if you want to go on a date with DSD you will come to the door and knock like a gentlemen" turned around and walked back in the house, few seconds later jackass is knocking at the door asking for DSD and apologizing to me. When they left I stood on the porch and told jackass to open the car door for my daughter if he wanted to stay off my shitlist, he didn't last
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jun 16, 2014 14:07:07 GMT -5
Opens my car door, stands up when I leave or come back to the table ( if we are out- not at home) pays if we go out. I tried to buy breakfast once and I thought he'd have a cow. I wish he'd back off a bit but I do like his manners. Holds doors open. You have cow for breakfast?
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 16, 2014 14:08:14 GMT -5
Hmmm...let's see
I like opening doors. For some reason opening my car door when we get to the car is more endearing than a door at the restaurant/whatever.
The guys paying for dates, at least in the beginning.
If it's bad weather, the guy going to get the car.
Giving me his jacket if I'm cold
Letting me order first (or go first in say mini golf or whatever)
Those are things I like, and things I do notice if the guy doesn't do.
I had one guy that always walked on the outside (nearest the street). Never had that before, but it was completely endearing. Made me smile every time we'd go down a street where he'd have to hop to the other side of me. The following guy that did it some of the time made me smile too.
The whole standing up when I leave the table I always found weird.
The only way you better ever food for me is if you ask me what I want (though still find that a little weird)
All the other stuff where the guy is helping out (like lifting heavy things) are nice.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 16, 2014 14:08:57 GMT -5
I like an "old-fashioned" guy too. I LOVE it when a gentleman holds the door open for me.
Manners is a 2-way street. When I lived in the city, & used public transportation, you always offered your seat to a senior citizen, or a pregnant woman, whether you were male or female.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 16, 2014 14:10:30 GMT -5
My late DH was the old-fashioned type. He did all the chivalrous things, including ordering for me. I knew it was his habit and made him happy. After awhile, I didn't even think about it. I never expected that from others, though.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 16, 2014 14:16:06 GMT -5
I think the reason why a guy ordering for me is so weird is because I often don't know what I'm eating until right before I say it. Often narrowing it down to two before. If I don't know what I want, there's no hope for the guy to know! It's also the cause of me often telling the guy to order first after he defers to me. Yup, I'm one of those that wants you to let me order first even if I don't know yet and defer back to you.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jun 16, 2014 14:18:57 GMT -5
Justme - DH also walks on the street side when we go out. He's always switching sides as we cross or change directions At first it kind of weirded me out, but now I think it's endearing. Jake - LOL, I had a guy try that once when he came to get me for a date. My dad did the same thing and made me wait for him to come to the door. My dad answered the door when he knocked. The guy said "Hi. I am here to get Sam." My dad extended his hand for a shake and said, Hello, I am (Sam's dad). And you are? The guy repeated "Um, I said I was here to get Sam." LOL!! He only lasted one date but my dad and I still laugh about it to this day.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2014 14:35:25 GMT -5
In a business setting I don't want you to worry about chivalry. Normal manners is perfect.
In the social world (and business events do not count as the social world) go wild. It's kind of nice. But none of the chivalry has any impact in my decision making rights or my autonomy.
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