Do you try to avoid spoiling your kids?

[Phoenix84]

So, as a parent, do you make a conscious effort to avoid buying your kids things even though you can afford them?

Growing up, we only had one family computer and my parents refused to let us kids have a TV, video game system, computer, ect in our rooms.  I didn't have a computer in my bedroom until I bought one for myself at age 17.  My parents probably could have afforded it if they wanted to, but chose not to.

What about you?  Nowdays it seems every kid has cell phones and tablet and a computer.  Do you ever feel the need to reign in some of that stuff, even if you can afford it?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Not really. We enjoy buying things for Gwen.

I don't think it's the buying things so much as the attitude that comes with it. Gwen is always grateful for what we give her and we don't give into demands. She doesn't feel like she has a right to whatever it is she points at in the store.

Considering she's 3.5 it's pretty impressive that 95% of the time I can tell her to put something back and she does it without complaint.

DH's nephew and niece on the other hand get everything handed to them on a silver platter and it's expected. I stopped buying Christmas gifts for them because I never got a thank you since what I bought didn't measure up to whatever the latest expensive thing was their parents bought them. They're 8 and 13 so they are plenty old enough to say "thank you" regardless of the gift.

We always make Gwen thank people for gifts no matter what it is. Nobody HAS to buy you a gift, so even if it's socks you thank them for it.

Gwen has a TV in her room, for our sanity. If I had to watch one more episode of Jack and the Neverland Pirates I would have shot myself.

[swasat]

All the time.

I have a 9 and a 6 yo.

- My kids don't have TVs in their bedrooms
- No personal computers. We have a family laptop that they can use when needed
- One iPad that we all share
- A Wii and XBox , but we REALLY limit game time.
- No plans for a cellphone till at least 12 yo
- No payment for doing chores
- No pocket money

I don't think any of the above is wrong per se. Its just what we think works for our family.

OTOH, I enjoy buying clothes, games and books for them. So my kids have some of the most expensive books you can imagine. And expensive clothes too

Different things work for different folks.

[zibazinski]

My parents were not generous with me-ever. But they did pay for college. I helped my kids as much as I could. Probably too much to try to make up for divorce. But they don't seem to act entitled so I'm fine with it. I DO do more for DD than DS but she comes around more. We do mother-daughter things. Things I'd have liked from my own mother.

[sheilaincali]

Honestly?  No.

DS is most likely spoiled in the eyes of most people.  He has one of the two master suites in our house with a private bathroom.  His bedroom is huge.  He has a queen sized bed, full size sofa, coffee table, 47" inch flat screen, gaming systems, desk, new (as of Christmas) high end gaming laptop, etc. 

BUT- the tv was handed down when we got a new one for the family room.  His dad is forever hanging out in his room playing on the game systems since they are in DS' room and the laptop was basically the only thing he got for Christmas this past year (technically he got a few t-shirts and some Dr. Who sleep pants too). 

He never asks for anything (except the laptop for Christmas and he asked very politely).  He doesn't complain, bitch, whine, beg, etc.  Any chore we ask him to do he does it with zero attitude.  He is in the other room right now doing my filing while I take a break quick and write this message. 

He has been wracking his brain for the past month trying to figure out what, if anything, he wants to buy while he's in Germany for the next month.  So far he hasn't been able to come up with anything other than postcards from the places they visit.  On the flip side when our German "son" was here he wanted us to bring him to the mall every week and dropped over $1000 in a month on clothes for himself. 

We buy things for the Boy without him asking because we like to be generous with him.  Plus selfishly- we make him be tech support for us so if he has the same iPhone as me or the same Kindle as me it's easier for him to learn everything about them and trouble shoot mine when I am being a derp.    

[muttleynfelix]

I don't have the money to spoil my kids with material things.    

My kids get spoiled with material things from my parents and Grandma and their Aunts. They don't need mom and dad to do it. 

[sheilaincali]

I should note- my kid is 16. 

The gaming systems are jointly the property of DH and DS.  They are in DS' room because we don't have a separate playroom for him in this house and I didn't want them taking over the family room. 

We made DS accept a Kindle Fire this year because we found them on sale pre-black Friday for a good deal and decided to get three of them.  He reads some pretty random books and they aren't typically the book stocked by Barnes and Nobles.  Plus he's OCD about reading and really likes to read books in order, one series at a time.  I can't complain because I'm the same way.  This way when he needs the next book he just buys it rather than us having to hunt through half a dozen used book stores to find this random book. 

Same with the iPhone- we just surprised him with it one day. 

The most he ever asks for if we are out shopping is a soda or a small package of beef jerky.  He has a lot of things in his room but if you met him you wouldn't think he was spoiled or had some bad entitled attitude.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Well, we have 2 Kindles now but they mine and DH's. 

The house is loaded with toys - most are hand me downs from within the family or friends though.  And most of the outdoor stuff is hand me down too. 

Some of what they have is because of what I did (or didn't) have as a kid.  I'm working on a sandbox for them now.  A swingset was a given but we got a huge wooden one for free.  Well, except for the cost of a rental truck, lunch and supplying lots of beverages for the family Fourth of July deal.   

If I'm being honest, I'd have to say "Yes, my kids are spoiled."  We do try to keep things in check though. 

[milee]

Yes, we do consciously avoid spoiling them with material stuff. But we don't skimp on experiences. So they may be wearing second hand clothes or not have an iPhone like their friends, but they go on interesting trips or get to do events.

That being said, my DH and I were just having this discussion last night. We're both acutely aware that our oldest son is about to have a majorly tough next year or two and the urge to spoil him a little is strong. We're trying to figure out how or if to do that. Is that something that might help him or is it just making us feel better when we feel helpless? No idea.

[Phoenix84]

I don't know how I feel about kids and cell phones.

I can see the convenience if the kids are staying late after school and doing activities and out with friends and the like, so I might consider a cell phone when they were old enough to do those types of things.  But I wouldn't get a cell phone for a elementary school aged kid.

And even then, I'd probably only get the standard free phone that came with the plan.  No expensive upgrades.

[alabamagal]

My kids are not spoiled, but it is not about what they had, but how they were raised.  Here is what we "gave" them
- private school through 12th grade, public school is AWFUL here
- had cell phones at 13, now smart phone that I pay for until they are done with college
- Various gaming systems through the years, but they had to buy their own games or get for gifts
- The each had use of a $5-6k car.  It helped me a lot when they were in high school not to have to drive them.  Car is gifted to them upon college graduation.  Worth ~$2k by then

Kids are responsible for their college education, I pay health insurance, car insurance, cell phone.  They have to come up with the rest.  They go to school with full scholarships, which they must maintain (good grades).

[Spellbound454]

They got things for Christmas and birthdays but very little inbetween

There was a second hand TV upstairs which had to be turned off by 9 on a school night
and a second hand play station which they could go on

but they definitely weren't spoiled....and I liked the way grandma could give them little treats which they would be grateful for.

[Abby Normal]

Ds is darn near deprived.   No TV in his room.  We share a tablet and a laptop. He has chores every day when he gets home from school.  The only thing he does have is a cell phone.  Its a trac phone that we got for him last summer. Since we work out of town, it gave him a little longer leash than staying home all day because I could get ahold of him. 

[Shooby]

Not really. I like the convenience of my kids all having phones. Grandma bought them all the gaming systems under the sun. And, for Christmas, that is really the only thing they ask for. I do not allow TVs in the bedrooms though.

[Sam_2.0]

She is 2, so the things she really wants are cheap (crayons, color books, playdough, etc). I do get her random surprises like that quite often, but not when she's demanding them. Usually we are replacing used up supplies or providing a reward for good behavior.

Bigger wants wait until Christmas/birthday, like the Little People Princess Castle. DH grew up with only getting things for those specific holidays. The kids knew not to even ask for things at the store because it wouldn't happen. We would get some things for non-holidays just as a special treat, but we also knew not to ask for things at the store. But my parents really couldn't afford to do things very often while DH's could.

I think it's more about training their attitudes and responses than the action of giving them things. DD doesn't get to do what she wants when she wants all the time. We are working on not whining and using good manners. I am not going to let her be like my 5yr old niece that screams and throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. I want to have a kid that can go out in public and that other people don't mind inviting over.

[drivingaround]

May 28, 2014 16:03:07 GMT -5 milee said:

That being said, my DH and I were just having this discussion last night. We're both acutely aware that our oldest son is about to have a majorly tough next year or two and the urge to spoil him a little is strong. We're trying to figure out how or if to do that. Is that something that might help him or is it just making us feel better when we feel helpless? No idea.

When my friend's daughter was 4 she started chemo and the parents struggled very, very much with what you’re referencing. They had a son who was 7 and he’d have meltdowns over all the attention his sister got. When kids are sick adults feel helpless so the sick kids gets showered with toys, games, trips, free stuff, free activities, dinners of their choice. The family “benefited” also since they were included in all these things but the parents basically went on a three year (how long the chemo lasted) spending spree to make up for the fact their child was sick. They’d have discussions about how they knew they needed to stop but when your sick kid looks at you, you really just want to do everything possible so they don’t hurt as bad. The hospital had a class on how to deal with the sibling jealously that occurs when one kid is sick. Not only due to the free things I mentioned but b/c now a parent’s focus has really shifted and it can be uneven so the healthy child feels it is unfair.

[milee]

May 28, 2014 16:38:23 GMT -5 drivingaround said:

May 28, 2014 16:03:07 GMT -5 milee said:

That being said, my DH and I were just having this discussion last night. We're both acutely aware that our oldest son is about to have a majorly tough next year or two and the urge to spoil him a little is strong. We're trying to figure out how or if to do that. Is that something that might help him or is it just making us feel better when we feel helpless? No idea.

When my friend's daughter was 4 she started chemo and the parents struggled very, very much with what you’re referencing. They had a son who was 7 and he’d have meltdowns over all the attention his sister got. When kids are sick adults feel helpless so the sick kids gets showered with toys, games, trips, free stuff, free activities, dinners of their choice. The family “benefited” also since they were included in all these things but the parents basically went on a three year (how long the chemo lasted) spending spree to make up for the fact their child was sick. They’d have discussions about how they knew they needed to stop but when your sick kid looks at you, you really just want to do everything possible so they don’t hurt as bad. The hospital had a class on how to deal with the sibling jealously that occurs when one kid is sick. Not only due to the free things I mentioned but b/c now a parent’s focus has really shifted and it can be uneven so the healthy child feels it is unfair.

Good points - especially about keeping in mind the other sibling.  

[zibazinski]

May 28, 2014 16:38:23 GMT -5 drivingaround said:

May 28, 2014 16:03:07 GMT -5 milee said:

That being said, my DH and I were just having this discussion last night. We're both acutely aware that our oldest son is about to have a majorly tough next year or two and the urge to spoil him a little is strong. We're trying to figure out how or if to do that. Is that something that might help him or is it just making us feel better when we feel helpless? No idea.

When my friend's daughter was 4 she started chemo and the parents struggled very, very much with what you’re referencing. They had a son who was 7 and he’d have meltdowns over all the attention his sister got. When kids are sick adults feel helpless so the sick kids gets showered with toys, games, trips, free stuff, free activities, dinners of their choice. The family “benefited” also since they were included in all these things but the parents basically went on a three year (how long the chemo lasted) spending spree to make up for the fact their child was sick. They’d have discussions about how they knew they needed to stop but when your sick kid looks at you, you really just want to do everything possible so they don’t hurt as bad. The hospital had a class on how to deal with the sibling jealously that occurs when one kid is sick. Not only due to the free things I mentioned but b/c now a parent’s focus has really shifted and it can be uneven so the healthy child feels it is unfair.

This is very true. My uncle's brother youngest child is mentally handicapped. Or whatever the latest PC term is. The two oldest left at age 18 and never came back and have very little contact with their parents. I wasn't there of course but my aunt and uncle said the world revolved around Leah and the other two felt ignored and never got anything. If they complained, they were made to feel bad because they were healthy unlike Leah. Not smart. Understandable but not smart.

[Gardening Grandma]

It was never an issue for me. I could only afford to give my kids the basics. I did manage to give them special things for birthdays and Christmas, but they always had to share a room, one TV in the household, they would not have had cell phones even if they had been available back then.

[Sam_2.0]

May 28, 2014 16:38:23 GMT -5 drivingaround said:

May 28, 2014 16:03:07 GMT -5 milee said:

That being said, my DH and I were just having this discussion last night. We're both acutely aware that our oldest son is about to have a majorly tough next year or two and the urge to spoil him a little is strong. We're trying to figure out how or if to do that. Is that something that might help him or is it just making us feel better when we feel helpless? No idea.

When my friend's daughter was 4 she started chemo and the parents struggled very, very much with what you’re referencing. They had a son who was 7 and he’d have meltdowns over all the attention his sister got. When kids are sick adults feel helpless so the sick kids gets showered with toys, games, trips, free stuff, free activities, dinners of their choice. The family “benefited” also since they were included in all these things but the parents basically went on a three year (how long the chemo lasted) spending spree to make up for the fact their child was sick. They’d have discussions about how they knew they needed to stop but when your sick kid looks at you, you really just want to do everything possible so they don’t hurt as bad. The hospital had a class on how to deal with the sibling jealously that occurs when one kid is sick. Not only due to the free things I mentioned but b/c now a parent’s focus has really shifted and it can be uneven so the healthy child feels it is unfair.

We lived through that when my sister had cancer as a child. It sucks for everyone. The Child Life social workers at the hospital are great at helping families navigate through the process. It was really hard for my parents to discipline my sister at all while she was sick, especially when they didn't think she was going to make it for awhile, so after she got better and was in remission there was a whole other adjustment period to go through.

[Deleted]

I don't have kids so I spoil my little brother and sister (12 and 11).

If Daddy and mommy say no, they come to big brother Carl.

I enjoy spoiling them, they each have an iPhone 4S and had cell phones since my brother was 9 and sister 8.

They don't ask for much so when they do I have no problem saying no. They are great kids, get good grades at school, well behaved and don't feel or act entitled.

[mmhmm]

These days, I've got to keep my kids from spoiling mother and I! 

[Phoenix84]

I don't know.  I don't have kids (as I've said many times) so it's all theoretical.

I think I'd like to curb it somewhat, kind of like my parents did.  But I can also see having multiple electronic devices saving a lot of headaches if you have more than one kid and don't have to deal with the kids fighting over who gets to use the IPAD.  So I guess I'll play it by ear, when and if the time comes.

I don't think that giving your kids things will necessarily make them entitled.  I think that a kid can get a lot and still be a good, well adjusted kid.  I think other things, like talking about how grateful you and they are and instilling good manners (like thank you notes) go a long way.

But yes, I probably wouldn't get a cell phone for a kid until at least middle school, and even then, it would be a privladge and not a right.

[Phoenix84]

May 28, 2014 17:46:07 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

These days, I've got to keep my kids from spoiling mother and I! 

Why? What do they get you?

Interesting concept though, I hadn't thought about kids spoiling their parents.

I probably spend about $200 on my parents between their birthday and mother/father's day, and maybe about another $50 each for Christmas.  Certainly not extravigent.

[mmhmm]

May 28, 2014 18:00:33 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

May 28, 2014 17:46:07 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

These days, I've got to keep my kids from spoiling mother and I! 

Why? What do they get you?

Interesting concept though, I hadn't thought about kids spoiling their parents.

I probably spend about $200 on my parents between their birthday and mother/father's day, and maybe about another $50 each for Christmas.  Certainly not extravigent.

They're always up to something!  Sometimes, I'll get a call telling me not to prepare anything for dinner and they'll show up with food, serve it, and clean up after it.  Sometimes, they'll bring something special for mother - a lap blanket, or something else they think she might enjoy.  I've gotten up to find the whole crew out in the yard weeding, or planting something special, tree trimming, or power washing the house, driveway and walkways.  Lots of things they do without being asked - things I wouldn't have thought to do, or to ask about.

We don't do Christmas gifts for one another.  We all contribute and each person, in turn, picks a local charity to donate the money to.  We've been doing that for years.

[busymom]

Yes, I did make an effort NOT to spoil the kids as they were growing up. No t.v.'s or computers in their bedrooms. If we were on a road trip, we did not bring along movies for them to watch. (We taught them some of the games DH & I used to do growing up: the alphabet game using signs, travel bingo, etc.)  We also focused on teaching them that chores are a requirement for living in our house...

BTW, one of the perfect pieces of ammo for NOT having t.v.'s in their room was when our local school district posted figures on how a child's average GPA drops when there's a t.v. in their bedroom.

[Sunnyday]

May 28, 2014 16:44:31 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

May 28, 2014 16:38:23 GMT -5 drivingaround said:

When my friend's daughter was 4 she started chemo and the parents struggled very, very much with what you’re referencing. .

This is very true. My uncle's brother youngest child is mentally handicapped. Or whatever the latest PC term is. The two oldest left at age 18 and never came back and have very little contact with their parents. I wasn't there of course but my aunt and uncle said the world revolved around Leah and the other two felt ignored and never got anything. If they complained, they were made to feel bad because they were healthy unlike Leah. Not smart. Understandable but not smart.

If it's your uncle's brother, isn't it just another uncle who
has a child who is disabled? Why would you say it like that? Seriously, I'm just curious. Or am I missing something?

[Deleted]

We're grandparents now and it's our right to spoil the grand kids ALL we want. 

[Lizard Queen]

I try not to, but it's hard sometimes to not just buy them something when you see it. Pretty much keep toys to birthdays and Christmas though. DS1 has some cash from prior gifts (mostly my mom). When he sees something he wants, I tell him he can use his own money to buy it, but he has to choose what he wants the most, because he doesn't have enough to buy more than 1 thing. (He actually does, but he's not wasting all his money on his 4 year old whims.)

[Lizard Queen]

May 28, 2014 19:28:50 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

May 28, 2014 16:44:31 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

This is very true. My uncle's brother youngest child is mentally handicapped. Or whatever the latest PC term is. The two oldest left at age 18 and never came back and have very little contact with their parents. I wasn't there of course but my aunt and uncle said the world revolved around Leah and the other two felt ignored and never got anything. If they complained, they were made to feel bad because they were healthy unlike Leah. Not smart. Understandable but not smart.

If it's your uncle's brother, isn't it just another uncle who
has a child who is disabled? Why would you say it like that? Seriously, I'm just curious. Or am I missing something?

It's not me, but I would imagine it's her mother's sister's husband's brother, so no relation.  Anyway, that's one way it could work.