NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2014 14:12:49 GMT -5
DH spends a ton of time appeasing his mother. He finally snapped with the Halloween costume, why he made that his hill to die on I have no idea. The no constant phone calls for 3 days was rather refreshing, I wish he'd stand up to her more often!
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on May 20, 2014 14:15:16 GMT -5
Everyone has already had good suggestions and this is a really tough situation because I know you don't want to ruin your relationship with your mom, but is there any way you can start making/asking her to store the stuff at HER house? Take out the few items you will use right away and then send the boxes back or take them to her house. Maybe if she sees the volume of the gifts stacked all over her home it will make a difference? Then again, I wouldn't want to contribute to turning her into a hoarder.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 14:27:06 GMT -5
Everyone has already had good suggestions and this is a really tough situation because I know you don't want to ruin your relationship with your mom, but is there any way you can start making/asking her to store the stuff at HER house? Take out the few items you will use right away and then send the boxes back or take them to her house. Maybe if she sees the volume of the gifts stacked all over her home it will make a difference? Then again, I wouldn't want to contribute to turning her into a hoarder. This is the worst part. She lives 1000 miles away and ships everything to me. You'd think that would be easy because then I can toss stuff. But literally she wants to talk about everything see pictures and gets depressed and lays guilt trips on me when I say I haven't opened boxes or given the stuff out yet. It's so infuriating.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on May 20, 2014 14:33:21 GMT -5
Oh, sorry. I didn't know that. Well, I've got nothing then. At the beginning of the thread I was agreeing with those who said that you need to stop it from happening, but now with more explanation I'm agreeing with you: maybe getting some help professionally organizing the stuff would be more helpful to you. And, as someone else mentioned, as professionals they have ideas we wouldn't normally come up with so devising a system that works with the constant influx of items would be great, if that is possible!
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 14:46:11 GMT -5
Yeah, it's just so bizarre I can't even wrap my head around it. Spending hundreds of dollars to ship stuff that cost pennies. And it's not that she sends 1 item, it's that she sends 5 just like it. Its really sad. My mom has no hobbies or friends, really. This what she does. All I know is that it's making *me* unhappy, too. I've tried to reason with her, but there really isn't any reasoning with someone who is mentally ill.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 14:49:07 GMT -5
OK, who wants to read the letter I wrote her but chickened out on? It's really long and you all have to promise to be nice to me because it's really personal.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on May 20, 2014 14:51:12 GMT -5
I'm game, don't promise to be really nice, though. Sometimes nice doesn't get the message through.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on May 20, 2014 14:51:59 GMT -5
<<waves hand in the air>> I DO!!!!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 20, 2014 14:52:22 GMT -5
*hugs* That just sucks, no way around it.
I don't think an organizer can help with that amount of stuff coming in, unless you were paying an organizer to go through the boxes, pick out a couple cute things to give to you that you could fawn over and donate the rest. And on a weekly basis that could cost a decent amount.
Is your mom in therapy by chance? If she is could you ask to go to one of her sessions with her the next time you visit? You are enabling her (and my family loves to enable so I'm not judging) and her illness. Maybe taking that view point could help you be more firm with her to stop sending you so much stuff.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 14:54:37 GMT -5
*hugs* That just sucks, no way around it. I don't think an organizer can help with that amount of stuff coming in, unless you were paying an organizer to go through the boxes, pick out a couple cute things to give to you that you could fawn over and donate the rest. And on a weekly basis that could cost a decent amount. Is your mom in therapy by chance? If she is could you ask to go to one of her sessions with her the next time you visit? You are enabling her (and my family loves to enable so I'm not judging) and her illness. Maybe taking that view point could help you be more firm with her to stop sending you so much stuff. She used to go to therapy. Now she ... doesn't. I mean, I get why she likes shopping (sort of). if I post my letter to her maybe you'll get it a little more, too. I am enabling, you're right. But I live so far away. I don't really know how to help. She didn't used to be this way when my Dad was alive (20+ years ago) because she really needs someone to keep her on a tight leash. Now, she doesn't want a BF or anyone to tell her what to do.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 14:55:11 GMT -5
I'm game, don't promise to be really nice, though. Sometimes nice doesn't get the message through. Yeah, I'm game for constructive criticism. But, we're also dealing with crazy here, so you never know what you're going to get.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 14:58:09 GMT -5
Ugh, here goes - I wrote this before we moved to Seattle, so it's a year + old. I chickened out and didn't send it. _________________________________
Dear Mom,
I need to write you this in an email because I feel like you haven't taken my multiple requests on the phone and in person seriously. I need to tell you that the amount of gifts/presents/stuff you send to me (and my household) is too much and it needs to stop. I also need to tell you why. I hope you read this and respect my wishes; it is very important to me.
I appreciate that when you were little you didn't have a lot of things or any money. And you've told me Dad kept you on a tight leash with spending. I know you like to go shopping now. As long as you don't shop yourself into financial ruin, you may do as you wish with me stopping you. However, I do not want to be the beneficiary of the shopping habit.
My house is overflowing with stuff that you have bought for me (and -DD-). My closets are too full. My basement is packed. There are books stashed where you left them and haven't been touched. I appreciate that when you are out you see something and think that I might like it and so you get it for me. It is nice that you do that - that you think about me. But buying everything you see that I might like is actually destructive for me and provides the opposite effect of what I think you are trying to do.
Instead of making me feel loved and doted on; it actually makes me feel frustrated. Sometimes I actually cry about it. Why? Because when you send me so many things I cannot keep it all organized. I can't keep track of what I have and don't have. I don't know where anything is. My closet is too full. I couldn't find my rain pants when we went camping in Washington. I can't find a particular shirt I want because you sent me 5 other ones that are similar to it. I do not have the time to keep track and organize all the things you send me.
This is where you and I are very different. I have more money than I can spend. I have almost no time. What time I do have I want to spend playing with -DD- or playing hockey or something of my choosing. Not organizing my closets or spending time trying on 5 shirts I don't need. I have plenty of clothing, books, and everything else. I don't need any more things. I do need more time.
You say I can just take the stuff to Goodwill that I don't want. This is true. But again, it takes time to load the car, drive to the store, and drive home. I don't want to spend the time to do it. Yes, Salvation Army will come pick the stuff up. I don't want to make phone calls. I don't want to wait around for a van to show up. These are all things I don't want to do with my free time that I have to do when you overload me with stuff.
There are things you do send me that I really like - I really like that you clip the crossword puzzles for me in the newspaper and send them to me. I appreciate those, I use them, and I dispose of them. I like when we go shopping together and you help me find something that looks nice. These are the things that I appreciate.
-Sibling- and I both have similar issues with the number of items we receive. I think at Xmas we both realized that things were out of control. This is why we initiated the price tag limit on gifts. We wanted to curtail the amount of shopping that was done for our households. However, I think you transferred the gift sending to non-Xmas days instead. When I talked to you on the phone this weekend and you told me I could "go through my cookbooks and make room for new ones" because you weren't going to respect my wishes about not getting any news stuff before I moved I realized I had to be blunt with you. I don't want to go through my old cookbooks. I don't have time. I don't have the energy. I want you to listen and respect my wishes.
I hope you realize this email is not meant to be mean. I'm trying to help you realize that while you are trying to be nice and sweet and good for me, it is not having the effect that you want. I want to help you help me. These are my recommendations:
Please do not buy -DD- clothing more than one season ahead of time. If you do, please keep it at your house. She has 2 closets and both are full. She is also very skinny and is still in clothes that are too small (size wise) for her age. I think you should wait to buy her things when you know what size she will be. The same goes for toys. Why not wait to see what kind of toys she'll like when she's older and then buy something she really wants? I'd rather her get 1 expensive toy she likes then 5 inexpensive ones that she's "meh" about. Right now her favorite toys are an old glass spice bottle and an empty diaper wipe container. We have a college 529 plan for her, you are more than welcome to contribute to that, too.
I don't need any more clothes or books. Really. If I find a need for something, I'd be happy to let you know and you can keep your eyes out for it. But as is there is not a single item of clothing I do not have.
I hope you understand that I'm not trying to be unappreciative or spoiled. I want to be excited when I get a box from you.
Honey BBQ
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2014 15:01:29 GMT -5
I think it is a wonderful letter. Your love and appreciation for her shine through, despite your asking her to stop.
ETA: I think you should muster up your courage and send it.
Perhaps even if she doesn't stop sending packages, she'll send fewer of them. And maybe, having had the courage to write her what you really think, YOU will feel more at peace about getting rid of these things. Because I think a lot of the upset is (very understandably) about that. PW talks about that ... that getting rid of "things" does not equal getting rid of people.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on May 20, 2014 15:01:50 GMT -5
Actually I think the letter is very well thought out. The only thing I may add is that is causes you pain to have her spend her hard earned money on you and your DD instead of herself (your mom) because she deserves to travel/enjoy life a bit after making sure you had a good start.
Send it, send it now!
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on May 20, 2014 15:05:12 GMT -5
I agree, I can't think of anything to criticize in there and adding how she should spend her money on herself is a good idea. If she's anything like my mother, she'll say ok and behave for a month.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on May 20, 2014 15:06:32 GMT -5
Honeybbq - good for you for having the courage to post your letter. I think it makes a lot of sense. I think you were very clear in stating your needs while also respecting her.
Since you asked: there is one thing I might consider adding - - but you will need to use your own words. Is there some way you can ask her about "alternate ways" aka, not "stuff," for the two of you to show each other love and caring? I.e., "mom, I'm really open to trying to find ways for us to love each other and to connect personally without using "things" to show that love" ?
Just a thought . . .
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 15:11:15 GMT -5
Actually I think the letter is very well thought out. The only thing I may add is that is causes you pain to have her spend her hard earned money on you and your DD instead of herself (your mom) because she deserves to travel/enjoy life a bit after making sure you had a good start. Send it, send it now! Here's the crux. She does spend lots of money herself. But all she likes to do is SHOP! my sibling and I gave her each several hundred dollars towards a cruise of her choosing for Xmas or her birthday because we didn't want to 'buy' her 'something' physical. She has not used it for years. She used to like to travel and do things. Now, it's shop, home. Shop, home, play on the internet. It's very sad, but I can't tell her what to do with her life.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 20, 2014 15:12:33 GMT -5
I think it's very good, although I might take out the paragraph about buying DD clothes or contributing to her 529. It sounds like she hasn't been receptive to your suggestions or redirections in the past (charging you for shipping for things you suggest she get!) so she may misinterpret that section - either as "well, she said it was OK to buy DD clothes that were one season ahead, but this summer outfit is really cute, so an extra season won't hurt..." or "she just wants my money for that 529." You know the saying "you give an inch and they take a mile"? Hoarding is an addiction, and IMO telling her that ANY of the things she sends are OK is kind of like telling an alcoholic it's probably OK to have a beer or two after work. But I'm not a psychologist so my advice is worth exactly what you paid (if not less ).
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 15:12:40 GMT -5
Thanks, all. You are kind. It's very painful for me over something so stupid. My mother and I have never had a good relationship, and it has devolved into me taking her shopping addiction presents to goodwill. She has not been to visit me in over a year. It's really sad, honestly. I have lots of mommy issues, but this one effects my day-to-day life.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on May 20, 2014 15:16:21 GMT -5
Honey,
How is your mom in person? Is she someone you would like to visit more often?
If so, maybe asking her to put all that money towards visiting more often could help?
Sorry to be so blunt, and I need to get on with my tasks for the day but the letter is too long. I think it needs to be mom, I love you and I appreciate that you think of me but the volume of gifts have become a burden. This isn't helping our relationship. I'm worried about you when I have already said "No thanks" so many times and you're not respecting my request. et cetera.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2014 15:17:42 GMT -5
Honey, have you asked her to visit? this one effects my day-to-day life.
Exactly. That's why I think you need to be firmer with her. I think the letter which is firm, but loving, is a good place to start. And I agree with Mid ... don't even open the door to any gifts for now.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on May 20, 2014 15:19:21 GMT -5
Actually I think the letter is very well thought out. The only thing I may add is that is causes you pain to have her spend her hard earned money on you and your DD instead of herself (your mom) because she deserves to travel/enjoy life a bit after making sure you had a good start. Send it, send it now! Here's the crux. She does spend lots of money herself. But all she likes to do is SHOP! my sibling and I gave her each several hundred dollars towards a cruise of her choosing for Xmas or her birthday because we didn't want to 'buy' her 'something' physical. She has not used it for years. She used to like to travel and do things. Now, it's shop, home. Shop, home, play on the internet. It's very sad, but I can't tell her what to do with her life. There was a point in my life when I considered shopping to be an olympic sport - I get the "high" that comes from finding a good deal. Can she channel her energy into something helpful and productive - like maybe shopping for supplies for local womens' or homeless shelters or school supplies for low income folks? Nursing home residents always need personal care items (esp "special" treats like good skin moisturizer, etc.). I would consider expending that kind of energy/money to be positive.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 15:24:17 GMT -5
Honey,
How is your mom in person? Is she someone you would like to visit more often?
If so, maybe asking her to put all that money towards visiting more often could help?
Sorry to be so blunt, and I need to get on with my tasks for the day but the letter is too long. I think it needs to be mom, I love you and I appreciate that you think of me but the volume of gifts have become a burden. This isn't helping our relationship. I'm worried about you when I have already said "No thanks" so many times and you're not respecting my request. et cetera. That is ok, I appreciate you saying it is too long. It probably is. In person... she is self centered and has some personality disorders. She only talks about herself and the stuff, what she bought, what she saw at the store, etc. She interrupts people. She sucks. I honestly don't care if I ever see her again. I am sad for my daughter, who has to grow up with no grandpas and one grandma who is a nutcase. I always hope that she will change to be someone I want to spend time with but I know that will never happen. Oh boy. I need a drink.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 15:24:52 GMT -5
Here's the crux. She does spend lots of money herself. But all she likes to do is SHOP! my sibling and I gave her each several hundred dollars towards a cruise of her choosing for Xmas or her birthday because we didn't want to 'buy' her 'something' physical. She has not used it for years. She used to like to travel and do things. Now, it's shop, home. Shop, home, play on the internet. It's very sad, but I can't tell her what to do with her life. There was a point in my life when I considered shopping to be an olympic sport - I get the "high" that comes from finding a good deal. Can she channel her energy into something helpful and productive - like maybe shopping for supplies for local womens' or homeless shelters or school supplies for low income folks? Nursing home residents always need personal care items (esp "special" treats like good skin moisturizer, etc.). I would consider expending that kind of energy/money to be positive. That's a good idea. I wish she would. She actually has pretty good taste. I don't know if I should suggest that or not.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on May 20, 2014 15:29:31 GMT -5
Honey,
How is your mom in person? Is she someone you would like to visit more often?
If so, maybe asking her to put all that money towards visiting more often could help?
Sorry to be so blunt, and I need to get on with my tasks for the day but the letter is too long. I think it needs to be mom, I love you and I appreciate that you think of me but the volume of gifts have become a burden. This isn't helping our relationship. I'm worried about you when I have already said "No thanks" so many times and you're not respecting my request. et cetera. That is ok, I appreciate you saying it is too long. It probably is. In person... she is self centered and has some personality disorders. She only talks about herself and the stuff, what she bought, what she saw at the store, etc. She interrupts people. She sucks. I honestly don't care if I ever see her again. I am sad for my daughter, who has to grow up with no grandpas and one grandma who is a nutcase. I always hope that she will change to be someone I want to spend time with but I know that will never happen. Oh boy. I need a drink. Is your mom my MIL?!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 20, 2014 15:29:57 GMT -5
So why expend so much effort/time/energy in being a "good daughter" or not hurting her feelings? I'd send the letter and then slap a return postage sticker on any boxes you get after that. (Or if you're feeling really annoyed, open the box and stick a copy of the letter inside).
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on May 20, 2014 15:33:11 GMT -5
Honey,
Re-read Later's post. She's spot on.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on May 20, 2014 15:33:47 GMT -5
There was a point in my life when I considered shopping to be an olympic sport - I get the "high" that comes from finding a good deal. Can she channel her energy into something helpful and productive - like maybe shopping for supplies for local womens' or homeless shelters or school supplies for low income folks? Nursing home residents always need personal care items (esp "special" treats like good skin moisturizer, etc.). I would consider expending that kind of energy/money to be positive. That's a good idea. I wish she would. She actually has pretty good taste. I don't know if I should suggest that or not. Howzabout you do it for her? As in: when a new box arrives, take photos with captions and send them to her. "This went to the women's shelter for a family who needed warm clothes." "This went to the homeless center for their silent auction." "This went to the gift boutique for the pre-school." Etc. Etc. Etc. Hey! - hire your professional organizer to do this with every box she sends!
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 15:37:13 GMT -5
LOL. I know. This is what I struggle with. This idea that I can still have a normal relationship with my mother and one where I just forget I have one. I want my DD to have a family of more than just H and I. Sucks.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 15:37:24 GMT -5
That's a good idea. I wish she would. She actually has pretty good taste. I don't know if I should suggest that or not. Howzabout you do it for her? As in: when a new box arrives, take photos with captions and send them to her. "This went to the women's shelter for a family who needed warm clothes." "This went to the homeless center for their silent auction." "This went to the gift boutique for the pre-school." Etc. Etc. Etc. Hey! - hire your professional organizer to do this with every box she sends! LOL. I like it.
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