michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on May 19, 2014 10:51:40 GMT -5
My husband won't allow divorce, so even without kids I guess I'd be legally separated for life. I would work harder for the marriage even without kids because I know he would not give up on us. This doesn't make sense at all. Maybe it's just your word choice? Do you mean your DH doesn't believe in divorce? Your mom didn't get a divorce because she didn't want one. If she wanted one,she'd would have gone to court and gotten one. DH's divorce took two full years. I worked with someone whose took four full years. So, yes the non-divorce wanter can drag it out, but at some point it will happen if the other person wants it enough. Were they actually legally married or were they divorced and still trying to resolve property issues? I've seen it go both ways. I once was friends with a girl whose parents were divorced, Mom was remarried and after 5+ years still in and out of court over property settlement. It had been an abusive marriage and the girl had even testified in court about things that had happened. VA is a no-fault state. You only have to be separated for six months and have a property settlement agreement if there are no minor children from the marriage and one year if you have no agreement or have minor children. Property settlement can be settled before the final decree is signed or you can get your divorce and settle it later. There has been legislation proposed over the years by some of the more conservative groups that would make it harder to get a divorce but so far it hasn't been succesful. They have good intentions on trying to strengthen the family unit for the children but their ideas are a bit too invasive/restrictive for most citizens.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on May 19, 2014 10:51:44 GMT -5
I had serious mommy brain. And threw up all the time. But I don't remember being any more or less emotional, but I'm kind of Spock like anyway.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2014 11:16:09 GMT -5
except for the puking.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 19, 2014 11:19:13 GMT -5
I get angry when pregnant. Other women get weepy, I get stabby. I have no clue why but what limited patience I had to begin with flies out the window. DH almost landed himself buried in the backyard when I was pregnant with Gwen. I sent him to get Van de Camp's and he came home with Bush's. Then he spent 20 minutes arguing with me about why he was right and I was wrong. His co-workers told him the next morning the proper response was "Yes dear, I am sorry let me go back and get you that can of beans you wanted". DH joked that from that point forward my Christmas present was going to be a case of Van de Camp's.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 19, 2014 11:23:05 GMT -5
Dh changed after we had kids, and if he had acted like that pre-kids I would have left him after a few months of me asking for counseling and him blowing me off. I certainly would not have had children with him.
Post kids we had to work harder, and once we did counseling things got significantly better. Dh needs to do a lot of individual therapy still and when stressed out he goes back to those behaviors/attitudes that do not work for me. Things are pretty strained right now, but I guess I have hope that when things settle down we'll be able to hammer things out again.
I'm not sure how divorce would work for us though. I'm realizing that dh cannot support himself. With minor kids that obviously affects me, but family takes care of its own and I chose dh to be my family. If I have to support him for life, staying married certainly makes that burden easier to swallow.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2014 11:37:26 GMT -5
Awww.....I'm sorry things don't look so good right now for you and your DH rae. The rational side of me would agree that if you have to support him then it's easier doing it while married, but the "hopeless romantic" in me would start becoming resentful and then I'd turn into a bitch. I'd have to cut ties to give myself a chance at finding happiness or I'd never forgive myself.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 19, 2014 11:40:17 GMT -5
I have some female and male friends who have supported a spouse for a very long time. All of them are angry and resentful but don't want to walk away from half plus alimony. They have tried forcing their spouse to get a job, to no avail. I'd rather give away half and alimony than support some leech while I seethed inside forever.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 19, 2014 11:51:44 GMT -5
Well it probably helps that dh isn't a leech. He's a good person who had a fucked up childhood and has a mile long list of medical issues. He does work but I don't think he could handle working full time. As long as he works to keep those childhood tapes from playing we will be okay. He needs reminders sometimes and that is when we really struggle because he gets defensive when I bring it up and things get ugly and when he takes a step back realizes that is the tape again and comes back to earth.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 19, 2014 11:54:23 GMT -5
Good for you. It takes a strong person to cope with it.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 19, 2014 12:05:53 GMT -5
I wasn't more irrational or hormonal than normal. I was more mellow, nothing ruffled my feathers while I was pregnant, at least after the first trimester. My analytical thinking was just shut off, however. Normally I'm the one tightly controlling the spending reins and scoffing at all attempts by salespeople to get us to purchase something, but while pregnant you could sell me swampland and I'd think it was a good idea. That was me, too. Other than the fact that I ate huge volumes of strange stuff, I'm pretty sure that DH would much rather have my pregnant personality 100% of then time than my normal one. I was just fat, happy, relaxed and agreeable. (And horny. ) Both my kids were boys, so I'm guessing that whatever hormones pregnancy or a boy baby share with the mom were hormones that make me a happier person. Same here! OTOH, I prefer my normal personality. Kind of how people who are bipolar will stop taking their pills because they say they miss the highs and lows - I missed being angry! Our dog became very ill and died while I was about 5 months along, and the vet was a complete douchebag about the whole situation. Now I get so mad thinking about it, but at the time I was just sad and guilty. I wish I could go back and punch him in the face. Rae. That's got to be tough when the person you married isn't the same person with whom you're parenting... especially when their issues aren't their fault.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 19, 2014 12:12:52 GMT -5
Good for you. It takes a strong person to cope with it. Strong or weak depending on the situation. You take care of your SO who has significant health issues. He has the finances to pay for help which is good, but if he didn't would you leave him knowing he had no one else? There is no right or wrong answer just pointing out that its rarely cut and dry. I hope I'm wrong about dh and he'll find new life/energy and I can talk about how judgmental I was. But I've decided not to assume that either. Take what is and make our decisions based on that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2014 12:18:56 GMT -5
You know we're always in your computer if you need to vent!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 19, 2014 12:29:46 GMT -5
Good for you. It takes a strong person to cope with it. Strong or weak depending on the situation. You take care of your SO who has significant health issues. He has the finances to pay for help which is good, but if he didn't would you leave him knowing he had no one else? There is no right or wrong answer just pointing out that its rarely cut and dry. I hope I'm wrong about dh and he'll find new life/energy and I can talk about how judgmental I was. But I've decided not to assume that either. Take what is and make our decisions based on that. True. No, probably not but if it started to seriously damage me, probably. I've been in a damaging relationship and won't go there again. Just physical ailments? No. Started being mean? Yup. But that's not his character so I'd be getting medical help for him and if that meant drug him so he wasnt mean, so be it. I won't be abused even if he isn't responsible for what he says.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on May 20, 2014 8:31:11 GMT -5
As for the cheating and what not, cheaters are not known, generally, for being honest when confronted. Even if they are, they do something called "trickle truth", which is where you give drips and drabs of the affair when they feel like it. No joke.
There's a morning radio show that does a regular feature where they set a trap for a cheater. If a spouse/SO thinks they're being cheated on, they can call up the show and the show will do a couple of different ploys to see if the cheater takes the bait. It's usually something like offering free romantic roses and asking who the potential cheater would like them delivered to or pretending to be a quality control rep for a hotel or restaurant that the potential cheater just went to and asking questions about the stay/meal to see if he was with someone. When these cheaters are caught red handed on the show, 9 out of 10 of them still deny the cheating or try to spin things.
"Yeah, I know I just ordered roses to be sent to Jane, but she's just a friend!" "Um, yes, Shaniqua and I shared that hotel room but it was completely work related." "What? I didn't ask them to send roses to Debbie! That's crazy, baby - I was saying to send them to you - Jennifer - you must have misheard me."
This was bugging me all day yesterday (yes, I have issues...) - those calls are fake! Read the bottom half of this article (took me a while to dig it up!) gawker.com/5779701/your-favorite-wacky-morning-radio-show-is-a-festival-of-lies
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milee
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Post by milee on May 20, 2014 8:47:44 GMT -5
Good to know! The 2 or 3 times I've heard it, my first concern was that we as a society had become too dumb to survive.
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 20, 2014 9:01:46 GMT -5
Good to know! The 2 or 3 times I've heard it, my first concern was that we as a society had become too dumb to survive. I think we're closing in on that point though. I was channel surfing on the radio last night and every time I hit a station, the DJ was babbling about this woman he'd seen doing the "walk of shame" with an armload of stuff when he was doing some run for charity over the weekend. Dude, you don't need to out her. Or hear her story. Or know her name. Or continue to babble about doing all of those things. LET HER GO.
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