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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 15:10:21 GMT -5
Would you work harder at your marriage because you have kids?
Would you stay married because you have kids?
How important would the kids well being be to your decision making?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 17, 2014 15:12:30 GMT -5
Yes, yes, very.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 15:18:45 GMT -5
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 17, 2014 15:33:05 GMT -5
I say yes as well. It would kill me to spend so much time apart from DD. But DH is a great father, so limiting his visitation would deprive her of time spent with a loving parent. I would also have a hard time dealing with other people being brought in and out of her life (girlfriends, etc.) without any ability to control it. I trust DH to do what is best for her, but his dating track record isn't the greatest (except for me!  ) Financially, it would also be a struggle. I make quite a bit more than DH so would probably end up paying c/s, and my expenses wouldn't drop much if he left. All that to say yes, I would fight very hard for my marriage, because the stakes are much higher than they were a year ago. |
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 17, 2014 15:45:11 GMT -5
I feel it's VERY important for kids to grow up in a stable and loving environment. If I hadn't had my dad, I'd have had no one. My mom was a piece of work. Not like my dad could have divorced her and got custody of me. She's the kind who would have paraded one loser after another trying to snag another man. She'd also have used me as "bait," I'm sure of it. It infuriated me that my EX fooled me long enough but his family was trash so I made my own bed. Trouble is my kids had to pay for it as well. At least he mostly left us alone after the divorce but that doesn't alleviate the anger from two kids and my resentment over being a single parent. I watch and worry that my kids will marry into bad families. You can recover if its just you but bringing children into the situation involves them as well. Date the bad boys but marry the nerd!
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 15:49:04 GMT -5
Because divorce with kids absolutely sucks! Even under the best of circumstances it does. Divorce with no kids and you can walk away and never see the person again, but with kids, married or not, you are tied to this person by your children pretty much for the rest of your life, you're still going to have to coparent with them and try to get along. Might as well stay married! |
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 17, 2014 16:05:29 GMT -5
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 17, 2014 16:14:03 GMT -5
Yes/yes/the main deciding factor. Having children is taking on a responsibility. You don't come first anymore. They do.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on May 17, 2014 16:27:13 GMT -5
... Would you stay married because you have kids? ... ... my EX ... Trouble is my kids had to pay for it as well. At least he mostly left us alone after the divorce ... So wouldn't that be a no? |
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achelois
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Post by achelois on May 17, 2014 16:37:41 GMT -5
YOU can try harder. Doesn't mean your spouse will.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 16:46:10 GMT -5
Another one: are pregnant woman more irrational/hormonal than most?
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on May 17, 2014 16:49:48 GMT -5
Another one: are pregnant woman more irrational/hormonal than most? Than most what?  |
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 16:50:55 GMT -5
Another one: are pregnant woman more irrational/hormonal than most? Than most what? average woman  |
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 17, 2014 16:54:19 GMT -5
Another one: are pregnant woman more irrational/hormonal than most? That depends on the woman. Some are. Some aren't. |
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 17, 2014 16:59:08 GMT -5
I was pretty mellow when I was pregnant. The main difference I noticed is that in a situation where I normally would have been mad, yelling, etc., I cried instead. DH would probably note that as an improvement  |
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 17:10:52 GMT -5
Anyway long story short:
-> Sister in law informed us today she is planning to leave my brother
-> They have been having problem for the past year and I guess she had enough.
-> They have a 3 year and she is pregnant with #2 due in September
Basically boils down to:
-> she thinks he is cheating, he denies it
-> he thinks she is acting like his mom instead of wife, she feels it is because he forces her too
-> she blames him for being sad/miserable, he claims that just because she is sad/miserable doesn't mean he has to be
-> she wants access to his phone, he puts a code on it.
He is 26 and she is 24. Doing all this crap not once have any of them considered their 3 year old or the unborn one. It is all about "me" "me" "me" or what "I" want.
I told my brother to grow a pair and start acting like a man, I told her she shouldn't make any decisions till after the baby is born and maybe try counseling. But at the end of the day they will do what they want to do. I just feel bad for my nephews... they truly deserve better.
And they are confined to a 1 bedroom apartment so I assume all their arguments are taking place right in front of thee 3 year old. Best part is: sister in law has been chronicling all this on Facebook...
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achelois
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Post by achelois on May 17, 2014 18:02:12 GMT -5
Another one: are pregnant woman more irrational/hormonal than most? Not any more irrational than testosterone-fueled men. |
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 17, 2014 18:25:03 GMT -5
Basically boils down to:
-> she thinks he is cheating, he denies it
-> he thinks she is acting like his mom instead of wife, she feels it is because he forces her too
-> she blames him for being sad/miserable, he claims that just because she is sad/miserable doesn't mean he has to be
-> she wants access to his phone, he puts a code on it.
If he denies cheating, then why is he denying her access to his phone? What has he got to hide, when something so easy to do would show her that he's NOT cheating?
If he IS cheating and she suspects it, you have a pregnant woman who is not going to be the most rational person in the world at this time and your brother is contributing to her irrationality.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 18:38:47 GMT -5
Based on those 4 statements, I believe that the YM consensus will be "Cheater"
I exited a marriage to protect the children.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on May 17, 2014 19:12:34 GMT -5
Would you work harder at your marriage because you have kids? Would you stay married because you have kids? How important would the kids well being be to your decision making? Yes,and I did For a while, and then when the kids realized we were all unhappy I didn't it was the most important part in both the decision to stay for three more years after I first wanted to leave, the most important part of decide ding to leave, and the most important part of not only considering remarriage but actually how I chose who to marry then second time. |
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 19:55:06 GMT -5
I think people should be more motivated to try and make the marriage work if there are children, but if it can't work, then an important reason to divorce is that you don't want kids growing up with conflict or a loveless marriage. What kind of example is that?
I got out of an abusive marriage and eventually married DH. When I see my son, now 29, snuggling up to his wife and the two of them looking at each other adoringly, and watch them nurturing their newborn daughter as a team, I know I did the right thing,
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 17, 2014 20:04:41 GMT -5
... Would you stay married because you have kids? ... ... my EX ... Trouble is my kids had to pay for it as well. At least he mostly left us alone after the divorce ... So wouldn't that be a no? You asked what I would do. That is what I would do. It takes two people to stay married. |
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 17, 2014 20:14:11 GMT -5
He is 26 and she is 24. Doing all this crap not once have any of them considered their 3 year old or the unborn one. It is all about "me" "me" "me" or what "I" want. Speaking from personal experience, when you are in a ton of pain, your well is dry, and your emotional needs aren't being met, there's really no thinking about anyone else other than yourself. I'm sure that makes me sound like a craptacular parent, but it was what it was. The older child is still young enough that eventually he/she will forget what he/she has seen, and having divorced parents, if that's what happens, will be his/her norm. I think it's different when it's your norm vs when you are old enough to remember something different. There were only two reasons why I gave my husband a second chance. 1) The kids. 2) I was a poor marriage partner and thought it might be nice to try to get my stuff together and then give our marriage another shot. As for the cheating and what not, cheaters are not known, generally, for being honest when confronted. Even if they are, they do something called "trickle truth", which is where you give drips and drabs of the affair when they feel like it. Your brother is not helping his cause with locking the cell phone. As for being crazy, I wasn't pregnant, but I was having dreams that my h was cheating on me twice a week or so for a whole year. They stopped when I found out what the heck what was going on. As long as your SIL is not the paranoid type, I wouldn't counsel her to ignore her gut. |
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lazysundays
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Post by lazysundays on May 17, 2014 20:22:44 GMT -5
My husband won't allow divorce, so even without kids I guess I'd be legally separated for life. I would work harder for the marriage even without kids because I know he would not give up on us.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 17, 2014 20:37:45 GMT -5
My husband won't allow divorce, so even without kids I guess I'd be legallymk separated for life. I would work harder for the marriage even without kids because I know he would not give up on us. Your husband doesnt have a choice. If you file, you can get one. NY is no longer a fault state. And I did try harder becuse of the kids. However, I think the source of the problems was the fact we had 2 in quick succession and were exhausted. Were good now. |
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lazysundays
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Post by lazysundays on May 17, 2014 21:13:34 GMT -5
Really? So my mom has been legally separated for 20 years because she didn't want to see his face during the divorce proceedings,but she can just file? What about ny? Forced divorce sounds less romantic. |
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 17, 2014 21:16:07 GMT -5
...:::"he thinks she is acting like his mom instead of wife, she feels it is because he forces her too":::...
I always find this conflicting logic comical. Its a total downward spiral. One acts one way, which ends up forcing the other to respond the only way natural. Each force each other in that direction inevitably. A friend said it well: the only way to break it is to loosen up the leash. When you pull a leash tighter, the other party fights harder to escape. Give up some slack and you'll be AMAZED at what you get in return.
...:::"If he denies cheating, then why is he denying her access to his phone? What has he got to hide, when something so easy to do would show her that he's NOT cheating?":::...
I think that this is one of the most dangerous viewpoints out there. What, if someone doesn't want every facet of his/her life probed, then he must be hiding something and should be investigated thoroughly? And what if she goes through every bit of data in his phone and finds nothing? OH well... he must be hiding it somewhere else. How about his e-mail? No? Work e-mail? No... Where then? How about we have him followed?
Look I'm not saying he is or isn't guilty. I just do not like the idea that if someone MUST be guilty if he/she doesn't turn totally transparent.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 17, 2014 21:19:02 GMT -5
Two immature "babies" having babies. What's with having kids so young? She think her ovaries are going to dry up? I'd be acting crazy, too. Way to drive a guy away.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 17, 2014 21:22:23 GMT -5
And to actually answer cawiau's question...
For some strange reason, DW and I have debated who would get to be the "Disney parent" if we had a kid then divorced.
I'm not sure I'd work harder at the marriage if there were kids; because I don't think that "we have to stay together for the kids" is always the best thing for the kids. If two people can separate on strained but amiable terms, and move on, and actually each be HAPPY... then might that be somewhat preferable to forcing yourselves to live together and be at odds at all times.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on May 17, 2014 21:36:31 GMT -5
My husband won't allow divorce, so even without kids I guess I'd be legally separated for life. I would work harder for the marriage even without kids because I know he would not give up on us. This doesn't make sense at all. Maybe it's just your word choice? Do you mean your DH doesn't believe in divorce? Your mom didn't get a divorce because she didn't want one. If she wanted one,she'd would have gone to court and gotten one. DH's divorce took two full years. I worked with someone whose took four full years. So, yes the non-divorce wanter can drag it out, but at some point it will happen if the other person wants it enough. |
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