nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 21, 2014 14:21:18 GMT -5
LOL thanks Rae, that's cute, very true. Mine are big yours are little, mine dont need me like your babies do but my kids will always come first. It is the start of MY generation of getting of the family dysfuntion tree and issues.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2014 14:27:23 GMT -5
LOL thanks Rae, that's cute, very true. Mine are big yours are little, mine dont need me like your babies do but my kids will always come first. It is the start of MY generation of getting of the family dysfuntion tree and issues. do you think this attitude of your kids always coming first had anything to do with the problems in your marriage? and I agree with those who've said your DD is an adult and needs to learn to get along on her own...she should start now with finding childcare since you won't be able to do it any longer since you'll have to find a job.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 21, 2014 14:35:20 GMT -5
Your kids are also at the age where they will hopefully transition to being friends with you (and yes my parents are my closest friends). Its a tough balance because you'll always be their mom, and always want to make their lives easier, but they are going to want to be independent and show you how well they can do on their own. Let them! Your kids may surprise you and may want you to choose yourself over them. That doesn't mean that you love them any less, or that you aren't there when they really do need you. Just that they can take care of themselves as the responsible adults you always wanted them to become.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Apr 21, 2014 14:45:04 GMT -5
LOL thanks Rae, that's cute, very true. Mine are big yours are little, mine dont need me like your babies do but my kids will always come first. It is the start of MY generation of getting of the family dysfuntion tree and issues. IMO It just created a much bigger family dysfunctional branch by catering to your (in general) kids. I do wish you well and hope you guys work this out in the best way possible. I could not live with that kind of "in transition" lifestyle for very long and would need to rip the band aid off asap if it were me. I know the grandbaby is probably making things much harder for you in your decision making since she is your love of your life now. I hate seeing families breaking up but I hate seeing living in misery more.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 21, 2014 14:48:09 GMT -5
Well that was why I had some things to say last night. i am noy going to be able to have this go on for very long either, y
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 21, 2014 15:20:34 GMT -5
Ok made my appointment for tomorrow at the law office, doesn't that sound fancy. He was on speaker phone and H walked in.. He sounded very casual and nice after the consult I can hire them, at that point or think about it and H cannot go to that one. It will be uncontested the guy said.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 5:26:37 GMT -5
Everyone has great advice, love the great advice. I alternate between sadness and relief that I made the appointment today. Not too sure about the timing as H won't go to his appointment until thurs. Still hoping/wishing for a brighter outcome with the man I love but in the end we all have to make decisions for ourselves and I think I made the right choice.
I did find out that FL does not recognise legal separations I guess.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 22, 2014 6:34:06 GMT -5
You have to act on who he IS, not who you wish he would be. That is your answer.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Apr 22, 2014 6:58:37 GMT -5
Sure...when I was getting divorced a friend told me "whatever happens the sun will still come up tomorrow and there will be good days to come"
Look after yourself for a while and start making plans. If you have to go, then walk away, guilt free.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 10:05:07 GMT -5
Whenever I am feeling unsure I will come here and read this. Shooby you are right, I have to look at this as the person he is now.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 22, 2014 10:25:53 GMT -5
Ok made my appointment for tomorrow at the law office, doesn't that sound fancy. He was on speaker phone and H walked in.. I'm not sure why the face? Your H dropped a bomb on you, and you are now on an information gathering mission. Your husband is going to find out eventually, no? Not sure how much you should "hide" at this point. When I wasn't sure DH and I were staying together, I had folks calling me back, at our home, in front of my H, about rooms to rent. My DH wasn't pleased, but at least he wasn't foolish enough to think there'd be no consequences of his behavior. I also was very upfront about what I was doing and why I was doing it.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 10:49:51 GMT -5
giramomma, I do not know whether to hide it or not. I mean should I tell him about the meeting, should I ask him where he would like the papers served. All this I am writing is how I feel at that moment, now later on I might feel different.
I have more to lose here, he might get angry at me and get a lawyer.
He might not, I don't know.
If he doesnt contest anything, and he says he wont but he didn't know the details of his financial hit at that time, actually I won't either until I get to my appt. So for me a protracted divorce is not in my best interest so I just don't know.
No and I would have preffered that conversation on speaker not to be heard, I don't think it is a very nice convo to hear at this time. I know I would get upset.
I could be all oiut there and that probably is in my nature but I would like to think I have some decency to him to not hear stuff like that. 50% because its private and the other cos it is emotional.
Hey that is a good idea, rooms to rent. HMMm
He had been getting home at 7 and yesterday came home at 330 go figure, that is how he heard the call. was not intentional on my part.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Apr 22, 2014 11:50:30 GMT -5
Nutty - to repeat some advice I've heard here time and again - dont treat your lawyer like a therapist. Get an actual therapist. It's cheaper.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Apr 22, 2014 12:48:26 GMT -5
I was wondering why you're in such a rush to leave your home? If you don't have a job or a place to stay or any large financial plan, perhaps you should hold off?
If you do go ahead with a separation and then divorce, your financial outlook is going to be quite different than it is now. If it were me I'd stay in my home up until the moment that I had to leave(and that could be awhile until everything is settled).
You're thinking with emotion right now so having an appt with a lawyer is good to outline what has to happen and approximately what you would leave the marriage with.
There's also the issue of health insurance. Are you covered right now under your husband's employer?
So many things to think of before making an exit.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 13:35:01 GMT -5
Yeah the rush was emotion. It is funny you post sku because I was just thinking exactly the same thing these last few hours.
I just wanted to do something pro active instead of re active I guess.
I think maybe I will stay here if I can handle it through the emotion.
I WILL NOT TREAT MY LAWYER LIKE A THERAPIST.
I will be going to therapy myself very soon, with H and without, we need to talk about things if only to end the marriage on a semi good note.
I cannot be re active, I had to do something to move this along.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 13:37:35 GMT -5
Oh of course the law firm is setting me up with the youngest lawyer, hope she is good.
Older means more experience to me.
Oh no sorry she probably just looks young to me, she may not be that young but is the youngest at this law firm. I like saying that. I keep expecting an Ally McBeal moment to happen and I will see dancing babies.
10 more minutes, I am so anxious I am flying out of my skin and this is just a consult.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Apr 22, 2014 13:50:05 GMT -5
Younger attorney = lower hourly rate. It is very possible to be young and also be a good attorney . We were all young and eager to get ahead once . . . .
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 13:51:55 GMT -5
Oh I know, I know what I posted a few people would say that, that's fine.
So I guess when I was talking to the scheduler he probably assumed that it may be straightforward I suppose. I am so nervous.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 22, 2014 13:53:41 GMT -5
Yeah! (It has worked in my favor before... people don't take me seriously and then BAM! Sometimes being underestimated can be handy...)
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Apr 22, 2014 13:56:41 GMT -5
Even if it turns out to be NOT straightforward, young can still be competent. My DN's (the one I finished raising after her parents split) first job out of law school was for a very large and nationally know law firm in the SF Bay area. Her assignment was on a team sorting out and settling a large group of third-party claims against Enron. She was 25 and did a bang-up job and got a promotion because of it. Young can be good!
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 14:21:42 GMT -5
Well that was pretty darn painless, and I didn't cry YAY me.
1750 if we can both come to an agreement, AND it can be done in 4 to 6 weeks if it is uncontested.
So that means we can hopefully talk it out.
I called him and told him, he stepped out of a meeting so I couldn't really gage his reaction. I didn't tell him any details because he was in a meeting so all he knows it that I talked to an attorney.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 22, 2014 14:28:42 GMT -5
Listen to what your lawyer says about support. Don't sign away anything. Or agree to anything. Did she tell you what you're entitled to and what to expect?
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 14:32:47 GMT -5
No zib, it was just a consulation but their is a program that you just put the numbers in that they can go by but that can all be avoided if we can come to our own terms.
My heart is beating so fast.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 14:34:37 GMT -5
I am sorry, my hands are shaking. I got the info I needed from her. Which was that if he is agreeable to my terms then it can be drawn up. Now I obviously know that at any time it can turn bad. Lets see how quick he wants out of this.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 22, 2014 14:41:03 GMT -5
The more important question is how fast do you want out of this? It seems like you've moved a million miles in a minute and are ready for it to be done. There's a reason why they say the person who wants out the most in divorce usually loses. Also the resources. My bro's ex wanted the divorce so should could be free with her new fiancé and had a job she was voluntarily not working many hours. He put all of his checks into a bank account in his name once she left and her lack of working meant she couldn't hire an attorney. It was a shorter marriage, and she was awful about the divorce and before it, but she didn't leave with a whole lot more than she came into the marriage with (though there wasn't a whole lot to split either).
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 14:43:24 GMT -5
Ack i didn't know that.
I am half expecting him to drive home and run in the door shouting "Don't leave me darling" LOL No I am not. He isn't going to come home early to get started on this.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Apr 22, 2014 15:34:58 GMT -5
(((((((((( nutty ))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are going through a grieving period and it's OK to cry.
Then take a deep breath and do what needs to be done. I hope for everyone's sake this separation can be done in a timely and civil manner. My mother was very bitter, and she stayed that way until she died more than 50 years later.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 22, 2014 19:37:58 GMT -5
He has agreed to 20 % of his pay to include bonuses for 23 years, 20 % of his 401 at his age of 65. Well that is what I have so far.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2014 19:42:46 GMT -5
He has agreed to 20 % of his pay to include bonuses for 23 years, 20 % of his 401 at his age of 65. Well that is what I have so far. until he's signed an agreement in front of a notary, don't count it as a done deal. why would you wait until he's 65 for your share of his 401K? wouldn't you want to be in control of your portion of it NOW?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2014 19:44:17 GMT -5
Too low depending on what his monthly pay is in my opinion. Find out what the lawyer suggests a court would grant you. Is this before or after taxes? Does he have any pension coming? Is so, is that counted as income? If not, what if he decides to simply "retire" next year or 5 years from now and work for cash off the books?
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