Kids biases

[swasat]

Have you ever met parents who clearly seem to favor one child over another? Like its so obvious even to outsiders?

I have a friend who is a younger son. I have known him since we were in high school. Even then it was so obvious that his mother favored his older brother by a mile. I mean literally, it was soooo obvious. The older son could do no wrong, was always the favored one, my friend was constantly told to emulate his brother, nothing he did was ever praised as much as his brother's accomplishments. I will say that his older brother was a nice person and accomplished as well. But not to the extent he was idolized by their mom. The worst part is my friend never noticed it or feel bothered by it   He always accepted it as is. Their dad was very much in their mom's shadow.

Fast forward to now, friend is now married with kids. Their cropped up huge problems in his marriage. The behavior extended to his wife as well. She wasn't ever good enough, could never match up to the older son's wife, was always told to "be like X". Its insulting to an independent working woman. So in the last few months its almost come to an estrangement between the friend and his parents. He has finally realized (after his marriage almost coming to an end) that the biases towards his brother are not healthy for him or his family.


Anyway, coming back to topic, do you know of cases where entire families get ripped apart because parents just love one kid so much more than the other?

I have two kids and I can't even fathom favoring one so much over the other. Never to the extent of alienating one child. How do people not see what they are doing to their own kids? 

[thyme4change]

My mother likes my sisters more then she likes me.  We really don't have that much in common and we see the world pretty differently and neither of us has much patience with each other.  But, she tries and so do I so we have a very pleasant relationship.  

Here is a little f-ed up family story for you.  I have a friend who has 4 children, a boy and three girls.  The father was the favorite of his mother, so much that when he said "I want to have a brother" she went out and got pregnant and always referred to her second son as "the brother."  So, that dynamic was a mess.  So the Dad/favorite son got cancer and died (so very sad) and now my friend has to deal with her crazy mother in law.  One day, she came over and announced that she wanted to show everyone her will.  It left $2500 for each girl and several million to the boy.  Grandma also said she would like to take custody of the boy but none of the girls.  She said she wants him to be raised in a house with a father and now refers to "the brother" as "new father."  I believe she is profoundly mentally ill.

[Deleted]

But the younger son didn't feel alienated, his wife did. There is an arguement that the wife is the one tearing the family apart.

[Shooby]

I think there are 2 prongs to this. One, there are people who clearly mistreat one child in favor of the other. That is just wrong. However, I see nothing wrong with have a different kind of relationship or bond with one child than you do another. It is just natural that my DD gravitates much more toward me than my sons. My older son and I have very similar personalities so we tend to have more of a jovial relationship. My younger son is very reserved and quiet. He simply doesn't seem to need or want the attention. I do make overtures toward him and we do have a good relationship but to an outsider it might seem that DD gets more attention or something like that.
However, I do know a family where the middle child is truly the "good child" and the other two are downright obnoxious and yet the "good child" seems to always be the one blamed even if the brother hits him!

[Deleted]

Yes, it was so bad I couldn't remain friends with the woman. I felt so bad for her 'other' son... It has not 'ripped the family apart' yet. I don't know what it will translate into when the kids are grown....

[swasat]

Apr 4, 2014 9:56:50 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

But the younger son didn't feel alienated, his wife did. There is an arguement that the wife is the one tearing the family apart.

No, he did too. Once he saw the behavior metted out to his wife , and how it progressivley worsened, it was a hallelujah moment for him. He realized what he had been ignoring all his life. He says its almost like seeing the same thing being repeated. The only deifference he actually SAW it, and that somehow made him realize more than when he actually EXPERIENCED it.

In any case, I think its even worse if his wife has to suffer the same biases and to be blamed for ripping the family on top of it, just because she refuses to take the status quo.

[Shooby]

If the wife feels alienated is up to the SON to make sure his parents treat his wife well, or he can tell them to go pound salt.

[swasat]

Apr 4, 2014 10:05:19 GMT -5 Shooby said:

If the wife feels alienated is up to the SON to make sure his parents treat his wife well, or he can tell them to go pound salt.

Why do you think he is estranged from his family now

[Shooby]

As he should be unless they start acting in a reasonable way.

[steph08]

My MIL clearly favors my SIL over my DH. SIL can do no wrong, got whatever she wanted, etc. DH was always in trouble even when they did the same things - he would get spanked/hair pulled, she was just sent to her room, she got a car at 16, he didn't, he suspects they paid for part of SIL's college education but not his, etc.

I have tried to come up with reasons why they treat him like a second-class citizen and haven't figured it out yet. I suspect it has something to do with MIL becoming pregnant with him only 2-3 months after giving birth to SIL (DH's due date was SIL's first birthday). Like she only wanted one child, had tried for years to have one, finally had the perfect one, and now had to split her time. But I really don't know.

I worry it will extend to our child once she is born. I have already heard "Well, C (SIL's son) has this car seat." "C had this pack 'n play." "Well, SIL had this glider that looks like a recliner, not one of those just padded rocking chair things." And on and on and on.

With my parents, I really can't see favoritism. My brother and I always joke, "oh you're the favorite," but everything has been pretty equal in our lives.

[swasat]

Apr 4, 2014 9:55:38 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

My mother likes my sisters more then she likes me.  We really don't have that much in common and we see the world pretty differently and neither of us has much patience with each other.  But, she tries and so do I so we have a very pleasant relationship.  

Here is a little f-ed up family story for you.  I have a friend who has 4 children, a boy and three girls.  The father was the favorite of his mother, so much that when he said "I want to have a brother" she went out and got pregnant and always referred to her second son as "the brother."  So, that dynamic was a mess.  So the Dad/favorite son got cancer and died (so very sad) and now my friend has to deal with her crazy mother in law.  One day, she came over and announced that she wanted to show everyone her will.  It left $2500 for each girl and several million to the boy.  Grandma also said she would like to take custody of the boy but none of the girls.  She said she wants him to be raised in a house with a father and now refers to "the brother" as "new father."  I believe she is profoundly mentally ill.

That is beyond f'ed up    

What does "the brother" have to say about it? Is he ok with being the "new father"? 

[mmhmm]

Apr 4, 2014 10:02:53 GMT -5 swasat said:

Apr 4, 2014 9:56:50 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

But the younger son didn't feel alienated, his wife did. There is an arguement that the wife is the one tearing the family apart.

No, he did too. Once he saw the behavior metted out to his wife , and how it progressivley worsened, it was a hallelujah moment for him. He realized what he had been ignoring all his life. He says its almost like seeing the same thing being repeated. The only deifference he actually SAW it, and that somehow made him realize more than when he actually EXPERIENCED it.

In any case, I think its even worse if his wife has to suffer the same biases and to be blamed for ripping the family on top of it, just because she refuses to take the status quo.

I have seen this kind of family dynamic and have seen it brought to a halt. It took about two years of absolutely no contact of any kind before the involved parties agreed to sit down and talk it out.  After that, there were no repeats of the offending behavior.  Hopefully, that will work for your friend, as well.

[Deleted]

Thyme that's like v c Andrews crazy there...

[Wisconsin Beth]

I, personally, think my Dad loves my younger sister most/best of the 5 of us.  I think he had a better chance to bond with her than the rest of us, as infants.  And she was VERY sick at a young age and almost died.  But it wasn't really blatant like described above and it certainly hasn't ripped the family apart.   The "she could do no wrong" kinda stopped as they fought when she was a teenager. 

[Deleted]

I don't trust either one of mine.  They're both out to get me.  

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2014 10:16:04 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I, personally, think my Dad loves my younger sister most/best of the 5 of us.  I think he had a better chance to bond with her than the rest of us, as infants.  And she was VERY sick at a young age and almost died.  But it wasn't really blatant like described above and it certainly hasn't ripped the family apart.   The "she could do no wrong" kinda stopped as they fought when she was a teenager. 

Awww....I'm sorry you felt that way.


My parents were very good about showing no favoritism.  My Grandma on the other hand favored my oldest sister but that's because she had 2 boys when she always wanted a girl, and sis was the first one. 

[zibazinski]

My mom favored her stepson over me, even though he was abusive and disrespectful to her. But he was male and I wasn't.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 4, 2014 10:36:05 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Apr 4, 2014 10:16:04 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I, personally, think my Dad loves my younger sister most/best of the 5 of us.  I think he had a better chance to bond with her than the rest of us, as infants.  And she was VERY sick at a young age and almost died.  But it wasn't really blatant like described above and it certainly hasn't ripped the family apart.   The "she could do no wrong" kinda stopped as they fought when she was a teenager. 

Awww....I'm sorry you felt that way.


My parents were very good about showing no favoritism.  My Grandma on the other hand favored my oldest sister but that's because she had 2 boys when she always wanted a girl, and sis was the first one. 

Thanks beer but it's not much of an issue anymore.  He loves all of us, I know that.  And he doesn't favor any of the grandkids over the others.  And for Dad, having all 5 of us, with spouses and grandkids, gather is probably his favoritest thing ever. 

[sarcasticgirl]

my mom loves me best 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 4, 2014 10:36:05 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Apr 4, 2014 10:16:04 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I, personally, think my Dad loves my younger sister most/best of the 5 of us.  I think he had a better chance to bond with her than the rest of us, as infants.  And she was VERY sick at a young age and almost died.  But it wasn't really blatant like described above and it certainly hasn't ripped the family apart.   The "she could do no wrong" kinda stopped as they fought when she was a teenager. 

Awww....I'm sorry you felt that way.


My parents were very good about showing no favoritism.  My Grandma on the other hand favored my oldest sister but that's because she had 2 boys when she always wanted a girl, and sis was the first one. 

And for what it's worth, I suspect my Mom likes me best.  I was her "good" baby in that I wasn't sick much and was happy.  And slept.    And when I moved out, she really regretted that I took my books with me.  She loves to read and so do I.  If we left a book laying around, Mom would read it.  Not because she wanted to see what we were reading but because it was a book and therefore meant to be read.  Same with music. 

[Deleted]

My Mom is a voracious reader too! The music part...not so much.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 4, 2014 10:44:45 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

My Mom is a voracious reader too! The music part...not so much.

Yeah, my older sister is the one who took books away from me, Mom never did.  Ann pulled VC Andrews and The Thorn Birds from me.  We shared a bedroom and they were her books. 

[bean29]

Apr 4, 2014 10:43:45 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Apr 4, 2014 10:36:05 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Awww....I'm sorry you felt that way.


My parents were very good about showing no favoritism.  My Grandma on the other hand favored my oldest sister but that's because she had 2 boys when she always wanted a girl, and sis was the first one. 

And for what it's worth, I suspect my Mom likes me best.  I was her "good" baby in that I wasn't sick much and was happy.  And slept.    And when I moved out, she really regretted that I took my books with me.  She loves to read and so do I.  If we left a book laying around, Mom would read it.  Not because she wanted to see what we were reading but because it was a book and therefore meant to be read.  Same with music. 

Beth, as a book lover, I  your mother.  It must make reading extra special when you can share with someone you love. 

As far as favortism goes, my Mom and Dad worked really hard to make everything equal.  But sometimes it is just not possible.  My Mom has two Daughters that work, and one DIL who is mostly a SAHM.  I really don't think my Mom wants me to quit working, so I have to be careful not to take things she says about SIL personally.  Different things can be right/best for different families.

That said parents had 2 Daughters and one Son.  One could say that brother is the Golden Child, but as he is a loving and responsible Son, that means he gets asked to do minor home improvement projects and he gets asked about financial issues (as do Mom's daughters).  I decided if he had time to fit the financial stuff in between his work, I was all for him doing research for Mom.

[CarolinaKat]

My cousin's husband shows blantant favortism. He was all about his daughter for the first two years of her life, she was wonderful and perfect and he loved her. Then his son was born. Now his daughter is 'overly emotional' (she's not) and 'boring' (she's a lovely conversationalist) and is 'involved in stupid things' (but playing soccer isn't stupid when your son does it). He spends lots of time/attention on son, which is sad because he travels alot for work and doesn't spend time with his daughter. I don't even think he came home for her birthday this year.

It hurts my heart he treats her this way. I love her and her brother. So does the rest of the family. I don't care for husband, and how he treats his daughter taints our relationship further.

[sheilaincali]

I know for a fact that I am my mom's least favorite child. There are for of us- Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl spread out over seven years. I am the oldest Girl. To hear her tell it I have been willful and disobedient since day one (I was born 26 days after my due date but she thinks they just screwed up my due date as I was normal sized). My mom will get in a snit over the simplest things and not speak to me for weeks at a time and other days she'll be oddly friendly to me.

Dealing with her has me on edge at all times because I never know how she will react- if she will find me amusing or insulting that day. She leans on me to handle things when she is out of town but than is super paranoid about things too. I'm allowed to deal with my grandma's psychotic break (literally) while my mom was in CA on vacation for 3 weeks. I had to take Gma to the ER, work with the staff at her nursing home to have her committed to an inpatient geriatric psychiatric facility but I am not allowed to check the mail at their house. It's a strange relationship that her and I have.

My dad and I were very close when I was younger because he and I are very similar. My mom hated it and would pick at him and tell him to stop favoring me. He did and now we are cordial and have primarily a business relationship. 

When it comes to financial support, vacations, time spent with the grandkids, etc. Myself and my son come in last.  One at a time they took all of the other 3 kids and their respective families on vacation to CA this year but not me or my family.  For Christmas I got a $100 gc to Kohls and a $100 ITunes gift card. My SIL got $100 iTunes GC, $100 to Kohls, an iPad Air, and a handful of other items. It's the same with the kids. I've had to tell my son repeatedly to not let it bother him but he's 15 he sees what goes on. It's pretty obvious when his 14 year old cousin talks about all the fun things he and Papa are going to do on vacation and DS just has to nod along.

Part of it is probably my fault.  My siblings are very needy people and are constantly asking for help and advice and I just pretty much do my own thing. My sister wouldn't buy a car without discussing it to death with my parents (she's 37 and married). I bought DH a new (to us) car last weekend and the only reason they knew is because I left early on Friday to drive an hour away to pick it up. They asked why I needed a car and I said "Because N got a big promotion at work and has to work out of corporate head quarters starting next week". Apparently I had forgotten to tell them about that too.  My BIL wouldn't even apply for a job without asking my dad's advice first and listing my dad as a reference and having him make a call on his behalf. 

[Deleted]

My siblings are very needy people and are constantly asking for help and advice and I just pretty much do my own thing.

I was surprised to find out my siblings call my parents multiple times a week when they winter in FL. I call once a month, catch up for 15 minutes and call it good. My motto is "no news is good news". 

I don't think my parents hold it against me. In fact, I think they appreciate that I don't need them for anything but their company.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm sorry Sheila.  That's got to be painful. 

[swasat]

OMG Sheila...

Thats what I don't understand. Parents like yours. Its one thing to do it to your kid (in this case, you). But to extend the favoritism to grandkids....thats just so unforgivable. I feel for your son. There is not much anyone can do about it, but man that kind of behavior sucks!! 

[Abby Normal]

I have a friend who is in this situation.  He is the unfavored child.  The siblings are girls and can do no wrong, but he has a different set of expectations on him.  It's translating to the grandchildren as well.  It's really sad.  Everytime he does something they don't approve of (like come help them out because his job has him out of town) they threaten to cut him out of the will.  It's ridiculous.   At the last blow up, he told them they could keep it and he didn't want it.  His wife now refuses to have anything to do with the inlaws (because they blame her for him not "towing the line" and are not quite about it) and he has limited contact.  It's really sad.

[swasat]

Apr 4, 2014 11:07:39 GMT -5 Abby Normal said:

I have a friend who is in this situation.  He is the unfavored child.  The siblings are girls and can do no wrong, but he has a different set of expectations on him.  It's translating to the grandchildren as well.  It's really sad.  Everytime he does something they don't approve of (like come help them out because his job has him out of town) they threaten to cut him out of the will.  It's ridiculous.   At the last blow up, he told them they could keep it and he didn't want it.  His wife now refuses to have anything to do with the inlaws (because they blame her for him not "towing the line" and are not quite about it) and he has limited contact.  It's really sad.

Thats exactly the situation my friend has, except he hardly speaks to his parents, if ever. His parents tell him the same thing, that his wife is corrupting his mind and that all was good before she came along. Of course it was good!! He was towing the line, taking all their crap and being the son the subservient son that they wanted him to be. 

I am very, very glad he married his wife. She is a very sensible woman and very easy going too. But which self respecting woman would take to being treated like a second class citizen? So when she stood her ground and refused to be treated like crap, she became the epitome of evil in their family. Everyone at her in-laws blames her because she "rocked the boat". No one sees any fault in their own behavior. Crazy!!!