Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 9:50:18 GMT -5
My issue with my son is more school work than house work. I know what he is/isn't doing at home, and he packs his own lunch and gets himself ready in the morning, but school I need to get out his folder every night and check if there is stuff he's supposed to have done/be doing, same deal with scouts. I have to hound him to make sure he's keeping up. I also have to tell him every night to practice his instrument or he won't. He's smart as all get out, but very lazy.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 9:50:58 GMT -5
Well, I think it's ludicrous that we spent research money to try and find a correlation between parental involvement and test scores.
Unless the parent gets to feed the kid the answers it is up to the child to take the test; so how the kid performs on a test rests solely on the kid.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Mar 31, 2014 9:51:30 GMT -5
Maybe he doesn't want to play an instrument? At some point, it isn't for everybody.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 9:51:56 GMT -5
You seem to be missing the point. They aren't going to want to sit in their room doing nothing for very long. There are standards they have to live up to with out excuses and with out me chasing them around to "remind" them like they are 3 years old. You will take out the trash, vacuum, etc OR I don't need to bother to pay for all the fun things you enjoy in life like cell phones , ipods, etc. They can choose to do nothing if they want to have nothing. I don't think I am missing the point. I think about how my brother, sister and I were raised in relationship to these parenting article. my brother was especially tough for my parents. He was essentially grounded most of high school. He was extremely passive aggressive (still is) and he refused to give in to any punishment. He was smart as anything, but refused to do any work. He would sit in his room, grounded, and just read. I wonder what my parents could have done differently to motive him more to work harder. maybe there is nothing they could have done and he would have ended up who he is regardless. I don't know.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Mar 31, 2014 9:53:12 GMT -5
I would say he is probably living exactly the life he WANTS to live. He is who he is.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Mar 31, 2014 9:54:40 GMT -5
I know some people who don't want to work. They live off the Govt. No amount of job training, or help or opportunity is going to help them. People have bent over backwards to help them improve their lives. There is a point when you have to realize, they simply Do Not Want to.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 9:56:03 GMT -5
I would say he is probably living exactly the life he WANTS to live. He is who he is. I guess that is my question. If you can't influence someone to live differently then they want to, then what is the point to parenting, other than punishing for things that you, as a parent, don't accept.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 9:56:29 GMT -5
Maybe he doesn't want to play an instrument? At some point, it isn't for everybody. No. He loves being in band and it was his idea to join, I never told or asked him to. He just doesn't want to practice. Or should I say, he doesn't want to START to practice. Once I insist he goes down, does a great job and has fun, but you always have to light a fire under him.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,141
|
Post by giramomma on Mar 31, 2014 9:58:22 GMT -5
You seem to be missing the point. They aren't going to want to sit in their room doing nothing for very long. You haven't met my son. He was just fine sitting in his room with no books, no toys, etc. Only himself, his bed and his clothes..
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:00:17 GMT -5
I would say he is probably living exactly the life he WANTS to live. He is who he is. I guess that is my question. If you can't influence someone to live differently then they want to, then what is the point to parenting, other than punishing for things that you, as a parent, don't accept. Continuing your bloodline? I am your brother and there was nothing my parents could have done to get me to care about school. I simply have no interest in it, and I learned that the hard way by paying for my failed college attempt. Parenting is more than just schooling. I learned how to become a productive member of society in spite of myself and they deserve giant kudos for that, because I know it wasn't easy for them.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:02:44 GMT -5
I guess that is my question. If you can't influence someone to live differently then they want to, then what is the point to parenting, other than punishing for things that you, as a parent, don't accept. Continuing your bloodline? I am your brother and there was nothing my parents could have done to get me to care about school. I simply have no interest in it, and I learned that the hard way by paying for my failed college attempt. Parenting is more than just schooling. I learned how to become a productive member of society in spite of myself and they deserve giant kudos for that, because I know it wasn't easy for them. So, should they have sent you to an alternative school, home schooled, boarding school, something else?
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Mar 31, 2014 10:05:53 GMT -5
Maybe he doesn't want to play an instrument? At some point, it isn't for everybody. No. He loves being in band and it was his idea to join, I never told or asked him to. He just doesn't want to practice. Or should I say, he doesn't want to START to practice. Once I insist he goes down, does a great job and has fun, but you always have to light a fire under him. I wonder what might happen if he was left to his own devices, mpl. If he doesn't practice, he's not going to be able to keep up with the other band members, and he'll mess up. If he messes up often enough, he'll probably not be allowed to stay in the band. If he's put out of the band and he really loves being in the band, perhaps he'll learn you have to work for your achievements. As long as you're doing it for him by hounding him, he's using your enthusiasm instead of building his own. That sets up a perfect scenario for the development of a co-dependent personality. I don't know how old your son is, but it's my guess he's old enough to begin to learn to motivate himself instead of depending on others to do it for him. While we love our children, and want to do our best for them, we're also responsible to teach them to do their best for themselves, IMO.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:05:52 GMT -5
It wouldn't have mattered. I was smart enough that I didn't have to study, which was good because I didn't like to study anyway. When I got to college and had to study I just didn't. IDK if it was dislike or that I just didn't know how to, but it just isn't for me. Which is fine, because I managed to get a decent job with only a certificate. 3 months of "intensive instruction" in a job I was already doing seems to be my limit.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:06:11 GMT -5
I don't believe in doing my son's work for him, he rarely even asks me for help when he's working on it, but I do police him a lot and make sure HE'S doing it. Luckily, he goes to a school that doesn't believe in homework, so all he really gets is a weekly packet of math problems that I had to opt in for him to get. He can easily do the entire week's worth in less than an hour if he applies himself, but he doesn't...he drags it out for the whole week.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,141
|
Post by giramomma on Mar 31, 2014 10:07:28 GMT -5
No. He loves being in band and it was his idea to join, I never told or asked him to. He just doesn't want to practice. Or should I say, he doesn't want to START to practice. Once I insist he goes down, does a great job and has fun, but you always have to light a fire under him. Our boys must be twins. Really, up until this year, my DS would piss and moan, cry, tantrum, when we say "time for homework." Seriously, he would complain for a half hour (or longer) before he had to do 10 minutes of homework. ETA: We've had the same routine for 5 years. School gets out. Play for 30-45 minutes. Home. Snack. Homework. It's been the same with scouts. Except to that, we get the hyperboles of how it's all work and no fun. Ever. My daughter is completely the opposite.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:08:10 GMT -5
It wouldn't have mattered. I was smart enough that I didn't have to study, Which was good because I didn't like to study anyway. When I got to college and had to study I just didn't. IDK if it was dislike or that I just didn't know how to do it, but it just isn't for me. Which is fine, because I managed to get a decent job with only a certificate. 3 months of "intensive instruction" in a job I was already doing seems to be my limit. What about an alternative school like Montesorri, that focuses more on learning what and how the kid wants to learn. I feel like my brother may have benefited by something like that. Maybe my parents let him down by not advocating more for him. Or maybe not.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:11:09 GMT -5
No. He loves being in band and it was his idea to join, I never told or asked him to. He just doesn't want to practice. Or should I say, he doesn't want to START to practice. Once I insist he goes down, does a great job and has fun, but you always have to light a fire under him. I wonder what might happen if he was left to his own devices, mpl. If he doesn't practice, he's not going to be able to keep up with the other band members, and he'll mess up. If he messes up often enough, he'll probably not be allowed to stay in the band. If he's put out of the band and he really loves being in the band, perhaps he'll learn you have to work for your achievements. As long as you're doing it for him by hounding him, he's using your enthusiasm instead of building his own. That sets up a perfect scenario for the development of a co-dependent personality. I don't know how old your son is, but it's my guess he's old enough to begin to learn to motivate himself instead of depending on others to do it for him. While we love our children, and want to do our best for them, we're also responsible to teach them to do their best for themselves, IMO. My son is 11. The problem is the teacher will call/email me if she feels he's not practicing enough. Whenever he whines about having to practice, I tell him to just drop out of band if he doesn't want to do it and I'll sell his trombone. I'm totally ok with that (and I am), but he says NO!!!! I LOVE BAND!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:12:36 GMT -5
I'd go with not. As I said, the type of school wasn't the problem since I learned everything they wanted to teach. I sailed though school and was considered one of the "smart kids", I just didn't study. I never failed a class; I was a "C" student because I didn't hand in assignments. I was grounded all the time for it but it didn't light any fire in me.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:13:34 GMT -5
No. He loves being in band and it was his idea to join, I never told or asked him to. He just doesn't want to practice. Or should I say, he doesn't want to START to practice. Once I insist he goes down, does a great job and has fun, but you always have to light a fire under him. Our boys must be twins. Really, up until this year, my DS would piss and moan, cry, tantrum, when we say "time for homework." Seriously, he would complain for a half hour (or longer) before he had to do 10 minutes of homework. ETA: We've had the same routine for 5 years. School gets out. Play for 30-45 minutes. Home. Snack. Homework. It's been the same with scouts. Except to that, we get the hyperboles of how it's all work and no fun. Ever. My daughter is completely the opposite. Wow! Your son's life sucks too?? All work, no fun? I hear that all the time. It's so frustrating.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:14:45 GMT -5
It wouldn't have mattered. I was smart enough that I didn't have to study, Which was good because I didn't like to study anyway. When I got to college and had to study I just didn't. IDK if it was dislike or that I just didn't know how to do it, but it just isn't for me. Which is fine, because I managed to get a decent job with only a certificate. 3 months of "intensive instruction" in a job I was already doing seems to be my limit. What about an alternative school like Montesorri, that focuses more on learning what and how the kid wants to learn. I feel like my brother may have benefited by something like that. Maybe my parents let him down by not advocating more for him. Or maybe not. Eh. My Cheetos boy goes to a Montessori.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:15:23 GMT -5
I'd go with not. As I said, the type of school wasn't the problem since I learned everything they wanted to teach. I sailed though school and was considered one of the "smart kids", I just didn't study. I never failed a class; I was a "C" student because I didn't hand in assignments. I was grounded all the time for it but it didn't light any fire in me. The type of school seems like it was a huge problem. Learning to work should be one of the skills learned in school, I think. Sounds like you never learned that. maybe a school that was more interesting and challenged you more, would have helped you to learn how to work at what you liked.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:15:59 GMT -5
What about an alternative school like Montesorri, that focuses more on learning what and how the kid wants to learn. I feel like my brother may have benefited by something like that. Maybe my parents let him down by not advocating more for him. Or maybe not. Eh. My Cheetos boy goes to a Montessori. maybe a more traditional school would be better for him.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:19:20 GMT -5
The school did not fail me. I learned what they were trying to teach and I didn't want to do any extra work. I passed my tests with flying colors and I was just deemed a lazy student. So I also learned how to work the system; I knew if I passed the Regents Exam they would move me up no matter what my grades were. And they always did.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,141
|
Post by giramomma on Mar 31, 2014 10:19:38 GMT -5
Silly, it only sucks when we take away the Minecraft Meh. I don't take it personally anymore. My DS boycotted first grade because it wasn't "fun-fun play time" anymore like kindy was. They <gasp> expected a little something from you. And <double gasp> the 1st grade teacher was old and crusty. He couldn't just flash his smile, bat his baby blues, and get out of whatever he wanted to. That's when we found out that my DS is content being in room with nothing except his head to entertain him. ETA: I will say, now when he gets upset we do a checkdown. Is there something bad that happened at school? Is he burned out and needing a break? It doesn't absolve him of his responsibilities, but if DS needs down time, then we try to make that happen...
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:20:24 GMT -5
Eh. My Cheetos boy goes to a Montessori. maybe a more traditional school would be better for him. God no! They give like 1-2 hours of homework a night! I don't have time to hound him that much.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Mar 31, 2014 10:21:25 GMT -5
I wonder what might happen if he was left to his own devices, mpl. If he doesn't practice, he's not going to be able to keep up with the other band members, and he'll mess up. If he messes up often enough, he'll probably not be allowed to stay in the band. If he's put out of the band and he really loves being in the band, perhaps he'll learn you have to work for your achievements. As long as you're doing it for him by hounding him, he's using your enthusiasm instead of building his own. That sets up a perfect scenario for the development of a co-dependent personality. I don't know how old your son is, but it's my guess he's old enough to begin to learn to motivate himself instead of depending on others to do it for him. While we love our children, and want to do our best for them, we're also responsible to teach them to do their best for themselves, IMO. My son is 11. The problem is the teacher will call/email me if she feels he's not practicing enough. Whenever he whines about having to practice, I tell him to just drop out of band if he doesn't want to do it and I'll sell his trombone. I'm totally ok with that (and I am), but he says NO!!!! I LOVE BAND! If it were me, I'd tell the teacher I hear what she's saying, but she needs to talk to my son and I will do the same; however, I'm not going to continue to be his enabler and his conscience. In addition, I'd tell my son if he really loves band, he'll practice without the need for someone to hound him about it. I'd let him know I'm not going to continue along that path and that he's on his own. Then, I'd back out and wait, letting him know when his trombone will be sold if he decides not to practice. As it is, he's depending on you to keep him in a band he says he loves instead of taking his own responsibility to maintain that which he says he loves. It's just not a good dynamic, IMO.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:21:43 GMT -5
LOL! Even if you hounded him he just tell you it was done to pacify you, anyway.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:22:10 GMT -5
The school did not fail me. I learned what they were trying to teach and I didn't want to do any extra work. I passed my tests with flying colors and I was just deemed a lazy student. So I also learned how to work the system; I knew if I passed the Regents Exam they would move me up no matter what my grades were. And they always did. The school failed you, greatly. The school taught you how to get around working. If that isn't a fail, I don't know what is.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:23:42 GMT -5
To each their own, I guess... ETA: And I would also like to reiterate that there was nothing that the school, my parents or anyone other than me could have done to make me want to be a better student. So stop trying to place the blame on anyone other than your brother.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 2:22:21 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 10:27:48 GMT -5
To each their own, I guess... ETA: And I would also like to reiterated that there was nothing that the school, my parents or anyone other than me could have done to make me want to be a better student. So stop trying to place the blame on anyone other than your brother. I don't know if that is true. if it is, it certainly makes parenting much easier.
|
|