How do you get the energy?

[Shooby]

I have downsized my life to what is important to ME. Right now I have time for only a couple of things. I just got elected to the School Board in Dec and I coach elementary girls bball. So, I do those things, work and stuff with DH and the kids. Everything else has to be put on the back burner. I am not going to volunteer to do anything else at this point. Keep it simple.

[wvugurl26]

If I go down for a nap I'm out. For me if I just power through what must be done then it's done and over with. Pre never ending string of injuries I hit the gym after work and that energized me most nights. To me it helps me to just keep moving. Then again I have a very hard time falling asleep unless I'm beyond exhausted so after 15 minutes I'd still be awake.

Last night I had physical therapy after work. I was gone from my house 13.5 hours yesterday. I ran an errand with my brother and then we got dinner at Panera. Nothing else got done last night.

Tonight I'll do laundry, clean out the fridge and clean the bathroom. I need to grocery shop at some point this weekend.

I've been trying to get more sleep. It's a definite battle. Some nights I'd be okay if I could go to sleep and stay that way until the alarm goes off!

For me the best answer if I'm sick, injured or just wore out is to only do what needs to be done that day. I used to try and do it all and now I prioritize better.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Well, chances are, if you have a spouse and/or kids, you wanted to have a spouse and/or kids.

I find that the people I want in my life generate the internal energy I need to be with them.  It is sort of a self-energizing relationship, if that makes sense.  (As opposed to the flip side: toxic people drain me of energy.)

Well, that and a healthy dose of "mother's guilt" and the daily reminder staring me in the face that my time with my mancubs is speeding toward its inevitable conclusion at the speed of light.  

All of this is not to say that there AREN'T/WEREN'T some days when I just wanted not to have to deal with it all.  That's what pizza delivery and sponge baths were made for.  

[Deleted]

I agree with people that it becomes your routine. I can't believe how much and how little I accomplish in a day. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Mar 27, 2014 8:16:04 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

I agree with people that it becomes your routine. I can't believe how much and how little I accomplish in a day. 

And I often wonder what it is I used to do with all of the free time I had before DH and the kids.  

If I'd been the least bit motivated, I could have used that free time for something really useful...like posting on internet message boards.  

[Phoenix84]

What prompted this thread was the on Tuesday, all I did was come home and collapse on the couch and sleep for about two hours.  It would just be hard to do that with a bunch of family commitments.

[Phoenix84]

Mar 27, 2014 8:10:01 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Well, chances are, if you have a spouse and/or kids, you wanted to have a spouse and/or kids.

I find that the people I want in my life generate the internal energy I need to be with them.  It is sort of a self-energizing relationship, if that makes sense.  (As opposed to the flip side: toxic people drain me of energy.)

Well, that and a healthy dose of "mother's guilt" and the daily reminder staring me in the face that my time with my mancubs is speeding toward its inevitable conclusion at the speed of light.  

All of this is not to say that there AREN'T/WEREN'T some days when I just wanted not to have to deal with it all.  That's what pizza delivery and sponge baths were made for.  

So I guess a follow on question is, if on a particular day, you're too tired to do whatever, cook, take the kids to X activity, or you just plop the kids in front of the TV for the evening, or you're just wa walking zombie, do you feel guilty?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

if on a particular day, you're too tired to do whatever, cook, take the kids to X activity, or you just plop the kids in front of the TV for the evening

That's the nice thing about having a spouse. Right now I'm tired all the freaking time, he'll take over child duty so I can go to bed early. We'll get take-out or eat leftovers if I don't feel like cooking.

If we're both exhausted (which is rare) then we just have to suck it up when it comes to the kid. We let other things slide like the laundry or dusting, dishes can hold off an extra day. 

[Deleted]

Mar 27, 2014 11:44:51 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

What prompted this thread was the on Tuesday, all I did was come home and collapse on the couch and sleep for about two hours.  It would just be hard to do that with a bunch of family commitments.

I did that the day before I had DD. Are you sure you're not pregnant?? 

[skubikky]

Mar 27, 2014 11:44:51 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

What prompted this thread was the on Tuesday, all I did was come home and collapse on the couch and sleep for about two hours.  It would just be hard to do that with a bunch of family commitments.

What you can't really understand is the motivation to do the things you need to with a family.
You love them and want to do for them.  That is what mainly generates the energy or momentum to get things done.  That and of course CPS.

And as has been said, this is the normal.  Also, it morphs and evolves as kids grow and in some ways gets more crazy with scheduling.
When they're grown and out of the house.....beau coup amount of time to do multitudinous things.  But miss them a lot 

[Deleted]

Mar 27, 2014 11:47:35 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Mar 27, 2014 8:10:01 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Well, chances are, if you have a spouse and/or kids, you wanted to have a spouse and/or kids.

I find that the people I want in my life generate the internal energy I need to be with them.  It is sort of a self-energizing relationship, if that makes sense.  (As opposed to the flip side: toxic people drain me of energy.)

Well, that and a healthy dose of "mother's guilt" and the daily reminder staring me in the face that my time with my mancubs is speeding toward its inevitable conclusion at the speed of light.  

All of this is not to say that there AREN'T/WEREN'T some days when I just wanted not to have to deal with it all.  That's what pizza delivery and sponge baths were made for.  

So I guess a follow on question is, if on a particular day, you're too tired to do whatever, cook, take the kids to X activity, or you just plop the kids in front of the TV for the evening, or you're just wa walking zombie, do you feel guilty?

Nope.

Although I can't say I've ever been too tired to take the kids to something that they have scheduled.  I might not WANT to do it, but I do.  But there are plenty of other things I'll say screw it to.  Laundry, unloading the dishwasher, picking up toys, etc.  They'll be there tomorrow.  And, I've never put the kids to bed without feeding them, but sometimes (like last night) I'll decide to not cook and pick up a Papa Murphys pizza or fast food instead. 

[Phoenix84]

Mar 27, 2014 11:51:28 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

if on a particular day, you're too tired to do whatever, cook, take the kids to X activity, or you just plop the kids in front of the TV for the evening

That's the nice thing about having a spouse. Right now I'm tired all the freaking time, he'll take over child duty so I can go to bed early. We'll get take-out or eat leftovers if I don't feel like cooking.

If we're both exhausted (which is rare) then we just have to suck it up when it comes to the kid. We let other things slide like the laundry or dusting, dishes can hold off an extra day. 

That's good you're understanding of your spouse and their level of exhaustion.

I've been reading these message boards for a long time now, and I've seen numerous women (and it's always women) come on and complain how their husband doesn't do enough around the house.  I figured even if you had a rough spell at work and were really tired, your wife would expect you do the chores, come hell or high water.

I guess I'll just give a more specific example.  At work, we have big quarterly meetings that I have to host.  It's a lot of work preparing for these meetings, and as a result, I've had to work late and on weekends for the past couple of weeks.  As a result of this crazy schedule, I get really tired and am not home as much as normal.  I know there's no point in worrying about things that haven't happened yet, but I could see how some wives out there would be upset about their hubby being gone more, tired all the time, and probably not doing the normal amount of homework, and then comming on a message board like this one and complaining.  And then you all would get all Jerry Springer and tell her to divorce that loser.

[Deleted]

Mar 27, 2014 13:18:49 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Mar 27, 2014 11:51:28 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

if on a particular day, you're too tired to do whatever, cook, take the kids to X activity, or you just plop the kids in front of the TV for the evening

That's the nice thing about having a spouse. Right now I'm tired all the freaking time, he'll take over child duty so I can go to bed early. We'll get take-out or eat leftovers if I don't feel like cooking.

If we're both exhausted (which is rare) then we just have to suck it up when it comes to the kid. We let other things slide like the laundry or dusting, dishes can hold off an extra day. 

That's good you're understanding of your spouse and their level of exhaustion.

I've been reading these message boards for a long time now, and I've seen numerous women (and it's always women) come on and complain how their husband doesn't do enough around the house.  I figured even if you had a rough spell at work and were really tired, your wife would expect you do the chores, come hell or high water.

I guess I'll just give a more specific example.  At work, we have big quarterly meetings that I have to host.  It's a lot of work preparing for these meetings, and as a result, I've had to work late and on weekends for the past couple of weeks.  As a result of this crazy schedule, I get really tired and am not home as much as normal.  I know there's no point in worrying about things that haven't happened yet, but I could see how some wives out there would be upset about their hubby being gone more, tired all the time, and probably not doing the normal amount of homework, and then comming on a message board like this one and complaining.  And then you all would get all Jerry Springer and tell her to divorce that loser.

In that case it would be good advice. 

[midjd]

I don't think anyone (sane) would be mad at a spouse who has busy periods at work and can't help out as much. That happens in just about every relationship. Or one spouse is sick/pregnant/injured and can't do much for a while.

If they're not helping out because they're out partying with their friends, or they're super busy at work all the time but refuse to let the other spouse hire out the help they need (lawncare, cleaning lady, etc.) or both spouses are equally busy but only one is putting in any work, that's different.

Several of my friends are married to accountants, and they are all starting to complain on Facebook about how hectic things are and how they haven't seen their husbands since February - but it's not directed at their husbands, just the nature of the work itself.

[muttleynfelix]

I guess I'll just give a more specific example. At work, we have big quarterly meetings that I have to host. It's a lot of work preparing for these meetings, and as a result, I've had to work late and on weekends for the past couple of weeks. As a result of this crazy schedule, I get really tired and am not home as much as normal. I know there's no point in worrying about things that haven't happened yet, but I could see how some wives out there would be upset about their hubby being gone more, tired all the time, and probably not doing the normal amount of homework, and then comming on a message board like this one and complaining. And then you all would get all Jerry Springer and tell her to divorce that loser.

Well, with your spouse have to be understanding of their work schedule.  Communicating with your spouse that things are insane at work right now and I'm sorry I can't help out as much as I usually do.  The last 8 months have been nuts at work.  I try to aim for balance as much as I can and my husband understands that my job feeds us, keeps us insured and in our house/cars.  So, if my job goes crazy, we just have to batten down the hatches and do the best we can.  Some of our unwritten rules - I call if I'm going to be later than 6pm. I try not to be any later than that because the kids go to bed so early.  But I bring work home and work after the kids go to bed if work is crazy.  On the weekends, I can work from home on DD's nap time, but if both kids are awake then I try to be part of the family.  As a family, you have to understand that work is like that. It comes and goes.  In 2 weeks, I have my yearly conference. It is about 2 hours away and my boss just drives up every day and I ride with him. It makes for 2 late nights and 2 early mornings. The alternative is that I go up there and stay. Even though, I may not see my kids those 3 days, my DH would rather that I'm home late at night just as a security blanket to him (which is what he referred to me during my week in the hospital - he said that even though he wasn't really doing that much more with me not home, it was the fact that there wasn't there backup there at all that really got to him).  Basically, you do the best you can and understand that sometimes work is going to interfere with family time. But I also take family time when I can - they take me out to lunch sometimes. I spend an hour on Thursdays going to Kindermusik with them and we do the best we can.

 I have friends whose husbands work all the time. That it isn't just a short term situation.  Sometimes they complain - one does right now a lot because her DH took a job with a much longer commute and a pay cut against her wishes.  The other one understands that this the job that her husband signed up for. It was a job that they decided together was best for their family.  So, it depends on the situation and on the spouse. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH worked nights for awhile with a ton of overtime so I understand being exhausted and overworked. While we didn't have a kid I took over everything. He worked and then slept all day, including on weekends.

But when I went back to work at 8 weeks after having Gwen. I had to have a discussion with DH. He needed to suck it up and start helping around the house some. I couldn't work full time, nurse every 3-4 hours, do 100% of the childcare AND 100% of the housework. We compromised and let a lot of things slide but some upkeep still had to be done around the house.

I wasn't mad at him for being busy I understand he was busy. It's better to have a paycheck than none at all. I just needed him to recognize that while I don't work overtime, my workload had increased as well and he needed to meet me at least 1/4 of the way.

Now we both work similar schedules so it's A LOT easier to work together and trade off when needed. He's a lot happier on days and having a more consistent schedule.

[Pants]

Phoenix - I have definitely complained on here about my DH before. Frequently, even. But it was never about his work schedule. He gets busy periodically, we work around it. He is up for a promotion and he says he will have to start travelling sometimes. I say ok. On the flip side, I just came off of the busiest 3 weeks I can remember in this job - plus my boss was out, so it was me leading my team and managing through the insanity. DH came home early as much as he could, picked up slack with B and managed the day-to-day house (dishes, trash) without me having to ask. That meant I could either do work or sit there shellshocked and stare at the wall, as needed.

Sometimes things are like that, and we do a really good job of managing through.

The things that have had me on here b*tching are more chronic issues. When you have a spouse who habitually doesn't step up or live up to agreed-upon expectations, that's a problem. If things get busy and you need to temporarily renegotiate, I think most decent relationships manage through that.

[skubikky]

Mar 27, 2014 13:18:49 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

I've been reading these message boards for a long time now, and I've seen numerous women (and it's always women) come on and complain how their husband doesn't do enough around the house.  I figured even if you had a rough spell at work and were really tired, your wife would expect you do the chores, come hell or high water.

I guess I'll just give a more specific example.  At work, we have big quarterly meetings that I have to host.  It's a lot of work preparing for these meetings, and as a result, I've had to work late and on weekends for the past couple of weeks.  As a result of this crazy schedule, I get really tired and am not home as much as normal.  I know there's no point in worrying about things that haven't happened yet, but I could see how some wives out there would be upset about their hubby being gone more, tired all the time, and probably not doing the normal amount of homework, and then comming on a message board like this one and complaining.  And then you all would get all Jerry Springer and tell her to divorce that loser.

It's becoming more and more clear why you're single..

[raeoflyte]

Mar 27, 2014 13:59:15 GMT -5 Pants said:

The things that have had me on here b*tching are more chronic issues. When you have a spouse who habitually doesn't step up or live up to agreed-upon expectations, that's a problem. If things get busy and you need to temporarily renegotiate, I think most decent relationships manage through that.

And I'll add that reciprocation is key.  I've done a lot for dh over the years because he's busy, sick, tired, etc.  I didn't get pissed off until I started asking that he pick up slack for me when I was one those things and he wouldn't/couldn't do it.  

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Phoenix,

In a good relationship, things are NEVER equal because life is not a nice, neat, schedule.  Family duties often tend to be wave-like for each partner -- we all have crest-like high duty stretches and, if everyone is focused on the long-term good of the family, some trench-like low duty stretches.  It's how it all evens out in the long run that is important far more so than the day-to-day.  Kids don't remember that you are periodically too tired/stressed to run around the yard with them once in a while.  They, do, however, remember if you are NEVER up to running around with them after work.  

I also believe that it is good for kids to sometimes take a little bit of a backseat when something else OCCASIONALLY takes priority (i.e., short-term job demands, caring for an ill extended family member, having some "me" time, etc.).  

We wouldn't want those rug rats growing up to believe that the world does, in fact, revolve around THEM, do we?  

[Deleted]

I find shoes are very energizing.


If my wife is too tired to clean up, I through a shoe at her and she finds the energy.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Mar 27, 2014 15:15:25 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I find shoes are very energizing.


If my wife is too tired to clean up, I through a shoe at her and she finds the energy.

Can someone PLEASE organize a New England meet-up and invite the spouses and significant others?

I'm thinking that, in real life, Mrs. Archie is an Amazon woman who rules the roost with an iron leash around Archie and I soooooo want to meet this woman.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

Mar 27, 2014 13:59:15 GMT -5 Pants said:

Phoenix - I have definitely complained on here about my DH before. Frequently, even. But it was never about his work schedule. He gets busy periodically, we work around it. He is up for a promotion and he says he will have to start travelling sometimes. I say ok. On the flip side, I just came off of the busiest 3 weeks I can remember in this job - plus my boss was out, so it was me leading my team and managing through the insanity. DH came home early as much as he could, picked up slack with B and managed the day-to-day house (dishes, trash) without me having to ask. That meant I could either do work or sit there shellshocked and stare at the wall, as needed.

Sometimes things are like that, and we do a really good job of managing through.

The things that have had me on here b*tching are more chronic issues. When you have a spouse who habitually doesn't step up or live up to agreed-upon expectations, that's a problem. If things get busy and you need to temporarily renegotiate, I think most decent relationships manage through that.

So 4x a year your workload does nuts.  For us, DH's goes nuts Jan to Mid March.  Mine tends to revolve around a 27 day cycle due to FLSA standards.  With rare rollouts like late Feb.  For us, we generally know when something is going to happen and can plan accordingly.  And we try to roll with the curveballs that work tosses us.  It's when DH stays up until 2am playing video games on the weekend and leaves me to deal with the kids at 6am that I get pissy. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

And some of it is driven by the knowledge that your kids CAN'T take care of themselves.  I may want to collapse on the couch with a bottle of wine for dinner.  But my kids need food.  So dinner gets figured out.  Sometimes figuring dinner out = cereal w/ milk for dinner.  Or fast food.  Or frozen pizza.  Last night's dinner for the kids was mac and cheese with milk to drink.  I'd had a really late lunch around 3pm so my dinner was a bottle of beer.    Tonight's dinner is hamburgers, peas and some kinds of starch. 

[gooddecisions]

I think it comes down to personality. Some people are just better off without families. It sounds like you're an introvert. I spent my 20's and early 30's going from work to either happy hour, the gym or sports. Now instead of doing that, I'm with my family. Some people will always prefer to recharge in a room alone, but that would never work for me. Don't get me wrong, I like some alone time, but I get bored quickly and would rather be doing something fun with my family.

[Deleted]

Mar 27, 2014 15:52:22 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

And some of it is driven by the knowledge that your kids CAN'T take care of themselves.  I may want to collapse on the couch with a bottle of wine for dinner.  But my kids need food.  So dinner gets figured out.  Sometimes figuring dinner out = cereal w/ milk for dinner.  Or fast food.  Or frozen pizza.  Last night's dinner for the kids was mac and cheese with milk to drink.  I'd had a really late lunch around 3pm so my dinner was a bottle of beer.    Tonight's dinner is hamburgers, peas and some kinds of starch. 

We often wonder how other people cope, and I would imagine when you're single with no kids it seems daunting to think about taking care of a family when you come home exhausted and fall asleep on the couch.  But, I assure you, you would make it work.  Most people do.  Some get their kids taken away by CPS, but most handle it alright.

[Deleted]

Mar 27, 2014 15:58:08 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

I think it comes down to personality. Some people are just better off without families. It sounds like you're an introvert. I spent my 20's and early 30's going from work to either happy hour, the gym or sports. Now instead of doing that, I'm with my family. Some people will always prefer to recharge in a room alone, but that would never work for me. Don't get me wrong, I like some alone time, but I get bored quickly and would rather be doing something fun with my family.

I'm a pretty extreme introvert, but I still like having family and taking care of them.  I like them to go to bed at 8, and I occasionally will lock myself in the bathroom with a book and pretend they don't exist, but I will still be sad when the kids move out.

[Chocolate Lover]

Mar 27, 2014 15:59:04 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Mar 27, 2014 15:52:22 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

And some of it is driven by the knowledge that your kids CAN'T take care of themselves.  I may want to collapse on the couch with a bottle of wine for dinner.  But my kids need food.  So dinner gets figured out.  Sometimes figuring dinner out = cereal w/ milk for dinner.  Or fast food.  Or frozen pizza.  Last night's dinner for the kids was mac and cheese with milk to drink.  I'd had a really late lunch around 3pm so my dinner was a bottle of beer.    Tonight's dinner is hamburgers, peas and some kinds of starch. 

We often wonder how other people cope, and I would imagine when you're single with no kids it seems daunting to think about taking care of a family when you come home exhausted and fall asleep on the couch.  But, I assure you, you would make it work.  Most people do.  Some get their kids taken away by CPS, but most handle it alright.

Thankfully, I live in a place where CPS standards are low. I once had one of their whatchacallits tell me adequate shelter could be a tent.  I got to meet this honest gentleman when a neighbor asked a cop a question about one visit her child made to my house.    The cop had to report, and yes, it was unfounded BS. 

[Deleted]

Mar 27, 2014 11:47:35 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Mar 27, 2014 8:10:01 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Well, chances are, if you have a spouse and/or kids, you wanted to have a spouse and/or kids.

I find that the people I want in my life generate the internal energy I need to be with them.  It is sort of a self-energizing relationship, if that makes sense.  (As opposed to the flip side: toxic people drain me of energy.)

Well, that and a healthy dose of "mother's guilt" and the daily reminder staring me in the face that my time with my mancubs is speeding toward its inevitable conclusion at the speed of light.  

All of this is not to say that there AREN'T/WEREN'T some days when I just wanted not to have to deal with it all.  That's what pizza delivery and sponge baths were made for.  

So I guess a follow on question is, if on a particular day, you're too tired to do whatever, cook, take the kids to X activity, or you just plop the kids in front of the TV for the evening, or you're just wa walking zombie, do you feel guilty?

hell no!!!

when my kids were 2, 5 and 7 and I was on my own with a full-time job, I felt absolutely no guilt making them an easy dinner and letting them veg in front on the TV so I could locate my sanity.  nobody every died from having cereal for dinner.

[Deleted]

When I think back on all the years of raising kids by myself, working fulltime and sometimes overtime, taking care of a house, a car and some dogs, and having a bit of fun along the way, I smh and wonder what happened to the energy I must have had to get it all done. In hindsight, it seems like I was always going or doing and I wonder HOW, but when I was living through it, it didn't feel extraordinary. It felt normal.

I think the other posters are correct, when it's your family and your responsibility, you just do it. It does become your normal. I don't know about being "on", but you spend time with your kids and SO because you enjoy their company, even when you're tired. You go buy food and prepare it because your children have to eat. You do laundry because they need clean clothes. You get up at 6am even though you just got off work at 2am because your children have to go to school. And the list goes on. It all just becomes a part of life.