Has Anyone Besides Me Wondered ...

[mmhmm]

... why some people lie when the truth would serve them better?  It seems to me some folks get themselves embroiled in all sorts of trouble because they tell lies.  They lie about all sorts of stuff - their lives, their expenses, their salaries, their families - all sorts of stuff.  Most of the time, from my point of view, the lies don't make much sense.  They're often not believed and the person who has told said lies has to keep remembering what the lies were, and defending themselves against accurate accusations of - well, lying.

I remember, as a wee girl, my grandfather catching me in a lie.  He wasn't happy with me, at all, even though I was pretty young at the time.  I got quite a lecture, but I also got a gift.  He told me how to stop lying.  He said, the next time I found myself telling a lie the thing to do was stop right in the middle of it and admit I wasn't telling the truth.  I've remembered that advice to this day because I had to do it.  He'd been right when he said lying could become a habit.  It was really hard to stop in the middle of a lie and admit it was a lie.  It's not something you forget easily; however, it was a teacher I was lying to and she was very kind and very complimentary concerning my courage in admitting I was lying without being caught in the lie.  It was a lesson well-learned and probably saved me from becoming a chronic liar.

Lies are told for all sorts of reasons.  Some of them probably seem to be the only way out at the time; yet, that's never really true.  The best way is always the truth, no matter how awful the truth may seem.  Telling the truth will save a lot of misery down the road and will earn you respect from those who know you.

Does anyone else have recollections of having been a kid on the road to ruin because of lies?  Does anyone know someone, child or adult, who seems to have trouble sticking with the truth? 

[MarleyKeezy78]

I became good at lying as a child because my mom was having an affair and I was made to cover for her all the time. I was so happy when she was caught and I no longer had to lie about her wrong doings. It took a long time for me to not lie about things and now as an adult have a hard time telling a lie. Little white lies are one thing (like Santa) but big stuff no more.

[grits]

If my mother was lacking the backbone to tell the truth, she'd lie like a rug. One time, I walked in on her lying on the phone, and connecting my name to add credibility to it. I screamed, "I did not say that. Quit lying.". Her eyes got huge.

[Deleted]

I love watching Big Brother just because of this. These are people that are being videotaped every second of every day, and they know it. And they will still lie about something that happened within the house that they were involved in. The show will do an edit to show what they say happened and then what actually did happen. It is priceless. I have come to the conclusion that a lot of people believe their own lies. It makes me wonder which of my own lies I actually believe.

[Deleted]

I got in major trouble for lying when I was about 15. My Mom found out I wasn't where I'd said I'd be. When I got back, there was hell to pay. My Mom is a worrier, and it wasn't so much the lie itself, it was that she had no idea where I was and what I was doing because I'd lied. I didn't do it again.

I'm not fond of liars. At all. I learned a long time ago to not ask questions I'm not sure I want to hear the answer to. So, if I ask a question, I want an honest response even if I won't like it. I don't want the people that care about me to even tell me white lies trying to spare my feelings. I've known people that lie for no reason. They blurt out lies even when you haven't asked a question. I know one person in particular that use to frustrate the hell out of me, because he lied so much. I stopped believing anything he says because he lies about everything. If he's talking, he's lying. I don't know how a person can go through life knowing that people don't take you seriously because you lie so much.

[Deleted]

Feb 28, 2014 21:19:13 GMT -5 MarleyKeezy78 said:

I became good at lying as a child because my mom was having an affair and I was made to cover for her all the time. I was so happy when she was caught and I no longer had to lie about her wrong doings. It took a long time for me to not lie about things and now as an adult have a hard time telling a lie. Little white lies are one thing (like Santa) but big stuff no more.

Oh Mitty.  I have a friend that went through something similar with her Dad, who was cheating on her Mom. I don't know if she outright lied to her Mom, but she didn't tell her that her Dad was taking her with him when he went to visit his other women. That's a terrible thing to do to your child.

[MarleyKeezy78]

Thank you Pink  I still harbor some bad feelings toward my mom and she doesn't even acknowledge(sp) the fact that she ever put me through that. I have choosen to move on and not look back on my past because I see how it has destroyed the lives of other family members who choose to blame everyone else for their problems in life now because of their pasts. Nobody else is responsible for my happiness but me. 

[mmhmm]

Feb 28, 2014 21:49:50 GMT -5 MarleyKeezy78 said:

Thank you Pink  I still harbor some bad feelings toward my mom and she doesn't even acknowledge(sp) the fact that she ever put me through that. I have choosen to move on and not look back on my past because I see how it has destroyed the lives of other family members who choose to blame everyone else for their problems in life now because of their pasts. Nobody else is responsible for my happiness but me. 

What happened to you is inexcusable, Mittykitty.  I can understand why it's hard for you to put aside the bad feelings.  Still, it sounds like you've learned to deal with it correctly and make your own happiness in life.  That's truly commendable!

[mmhmm]

Feb 28, 2014 21:26:42 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I love watching Big Brother just because of this. These are people that are being videotaped every second of every day, and they know it. And they will still lie about something that happened within the house that they were involved in. The show will do an edit to show what they say happened and then what actually did happen. It is priceless. I have come to the conclusion that a lot of people believe their own lies. It makes me wonder which of my own lies I actually believe.

Okay, now you've got me worried, later!  Who am I?  What am I?  Where am I?  Is it all just a lie I've come to believe?  Arrrrrrgggggghhhh! 

[Deleted]

Wow mmhmm. Big question. What is going on with the board lately? It went from dead to deep

 My childhood was also about lies and hiding the truth. Pretending, lying, denying, whatever you want to call it.

I hated it but I was definitely a participant.

I still hate it and on the rare occasions that I have told a lie as an adult I get the same sick to my stomach feeling I had as a kid.

[cronewitch]

A friend's husband lied all the time for no reason. One day we said we were looking at land to buy and he said he found some and was buying it. Then he asked his wife to confirm his lie, she said no, she wasn't covering his lies anymore.  Don't know why he would lie except to one up us.

Now days people are sleeping with people they aren't married to. I was shacking up in 1966 and my mom told people I was married because she was embarrassed. No people claim to be married when they aren't or to be engaged when they aren't. SO used to mean someone you would marry if it was legal like a gay couple now people changed it to mean someone they are sleeping with even if they aren't doing anything else together like marriage or sharing bank accounts, some use if for a spouse they are actually married to. We don't have a good term for someone who is a long term sex partner you wouldn't marry on a bet or who wouldn't marry you. Sometimes it might just be too confusing to describe someone you shack up with and have children with as boyfriend or girl friend when you are over 50. Daddy's girl friend might call boyfriend's kids her step kids when they have no relationship.

[Apple]

I don't have much use for liars.  I've raised my son letting him know that if he does something wrong, yes, he'll get in trouble, but if he lies, the punishment will be much, much worse.

There are times, when asked a question, I will let the person know they won't like the answer, so do they REALLY want to know what I think? 

I know several "chronic liars" and I also feel like some of them tell the lies often enough that they actually begin to believe them.  It's like a complete alternate reality.

[grits]

A politician sent out a political ad today. The irony of it all is that in his photo he had a pack of baloney by his hand. People have roared with laughter over it all day long.

[MarleyKeezy78]

Thank you Mmhmm  This is a very good question to pose. I wish the people in my family who are dealing with their demons could find their way out of the darkness, it took me a long time and DH had a lot to do with it and I thank him so much. I am far from perfect but decided a long time ago that I would find a person who would help me be a better person and not fall into the trap of more bad relationships that kept me in that dark place and not move forward in life. Anyway, lying is bad and would feel intensely guilty for lying now.

[toomuchreality]

I've never been a good liar, so I don't. I'm glad for that.

I have a neighbor that lies all the time. When she gets called on it, she bursts into tears. (doesn't admit it though)

It amazes me how someone who lies, can get so upset about being lied to.

[sesfw]

Mom's housemate was a habitual liar.  I knew her as Roberta and believed it cuz she had a nice set of boobs.  A couple of years after my Bill died they came to live with me and there were two (2) rules in the house that she managed to break any time she felt like I would let her.  No smoking in the house, and let someone know when she was going for a 24 hour gambling binge so we wouldn't worry about her.

After mom died and Roberta was in Hospice with lung cancer I found out HIS name was Robert and the boobs were fake.  Everyone else knew she was a he ....... but dumb, stupid, naïve me believed what my mother told me.  I finally found one of his kids and got them back together before he died.

My kid brother I take anything he tells me with a grain of salt.  I'll believe it when I see it.  I just don't care anymore.

I'm the type that will believe anything from anyone until the first time I catch them in a lie.  Then I don't believe anything from that person ....... the trust is gone.

[stillmovingforward]

Yup, all my kids who were late adoptions (6 and up). Lying was a survival tactic. And its a very hard habit to break. I offer a 'get out of jail free' card when I think I am being lied to. Doesn't always work. One of them is much better now. Another one is seriously backsliding *sigh*

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Ugh!

I'm dealing with this situation right now and I don't know how to handle it.  Last month, I was told some information, and expectations of what she wanted me to do with the info that bothered me.  It was not confidential.  

I chewed on it awhile, then discussed it with my sister to see if I was off base in my feelings.  I was not and it bothered her too, enough to go to our dad to talk to him about it.  She told him how she got the info (via me telling her what I was told) so my dad asked this person if she told me this.  She lied and said 'of course not!'.

So to my dad, either she is lying or I am.  I'm not lying, his wife is.

[Tiny]

From the OP:

... why some people lie when the truth would serve them better?

[/quote]

I thought a lot about this towards the end of grade school.

Here's my explanation - people lie in order to manipulate other people. And when they are rewarded by having the expected response from the other person they feel a tiny bit powerful.

I'd witnessed plenty of adults "look the other way" when explicitly lied to (teachers, other kids parents, other kids, etc) as a kid in grade school. I'm not sure HOW the person being lied to didn't know an outright lie was being told. And I'm not talking 'white lies' or lies that 'covered one's ass' or lies where no one else suffered a somewhat dire consequence because of the lie.  I'm talking obvious out right lies.  "No, I didn't eat that cake! So and so did I saw them" said while wiping chocolate icing off their face and then ASKING for help with getting the icing off their clothes where it dripped.    Lies generally take 2 people - the one who tells it and then the one who accepts/acts on it (apparently unquestioningly).

I've got some serious trust issues - so my take on being lied to is that I do Trust, but also Verify. If something is small beans to me, I'll probably take whatever jibberish you toss at me as being 'ok'.
If something is more important to me, I'll take whatever jibberish you toss at me and then 'test it for reasonability/your motive/your goal/rational-ness/and if it can be verified I'll attempt that.  This doesn't directly involve lying but,  I have various "filters" for various people in my life so I can assess the veracity of what they are saying. I have the "over exaggerator" person in my life, I have the "Avid Disciple of the Latest Craze" in my life, and the "OMG! You can't do that! You are risking failure!" person in my life. They all have valid view points and sometimes good advice (after it's been filtered).


I think habitual lying is kind of a habitual coping mechanism.. the person had some success with it in the past - so that's their 'go to' behavior when faced with certain situations (where it would be to their advantage to have the person being told the lie to act/do a certain way/thing.)

For them it's always worth a try with a lie... it might make the situation go their way.

There's also the fault in human nature that if you say something enough times OR get enough people to repeat something enough times it becomes "true". Why else would gossip/rumors and the way history happened be so easily accepted as 'true'??

[NoNamePerson]

I know a guy who would rather climb up a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. And he really believed what he was saying and rarely tripped up. He was extremely intelligent but I think his brain Zigged when it should have Zagged and his lies caught up with him and he wound up doing 5 yrs in Fed Pen. 

[KaraBoo]

I have this issue going on at work right now.  

One of the system administrators outright lied in the first sentence of her email "slapping me down" on some questions I was asking.  And then had the nerve to "imply" that because I was asking questions, I was creating "rogue" processes in the computer system.



I am taking my time replying back to her because she's just making herself look horrible by lying and exaggerating about what's really going on.

As for why....I'm pretty sure she's lying in the email to maintain control and dictate who can do what.  The problem is, she is keeping the users from doing what they need to do, while changing settings to make things easier for her own office that is screwing up the processes for everyone else.  

And no one is holding her accountable to her actions.  At least...not yet...  

[giramomma]

Mar 1, 2014 13:50:53 GMT -5 Tiny said:

From the OP:

... why some people lie when the truth would serve them better?

I think habitual lying is kind of a habitual coping mechanism.. the person had some success with it in the past - so that's their 'go to' behavior when faced with certain situations (where it would be to their advantage to have the person being told the lie to act/do a certain way/thing.)

For them it's always worth a try with a lie... it might make the situation go their way.





One of my parents likely has a personality disorder. It was much easier to tell that parent what they wanted to hear vs. the truth. My goal growing up was to avoid unpredictable mood swings, getting yelled at, etc. My parent could go from normal to pissed off in a minute, literally, and I'd have no clue why.

In my childhood, lying kept my parent happy at times. That was preferred over saying something wrong and getting the silent treatment for who knows how long. If I wanted to stop the silent treatment, then I either had to guess what I did wrong and apologize, or simply grovel for forgiveness.

Though I didn't have to cover an affair, I was told very specifically when I was not supposed to share things with the other parent. I was also asked to snoop on /go through the property of my other parent as well (and of course, not mention it to anyone.)

My parent also had a warped idea of good boundaries. In my relationship with the parent, if I withheld a thought that the parent felt should be shared, then you were lying. Privacy was equated with secrecy. So, there was no privacy, either physical or otherwise.

And, then there was the lying to others about the kind of relationship I had with my parents. No one would have believed me if I would have told them the truth. Outwardly, we fooled everyone.

[Bonny]

I'm seeing some similar behavior with DH. We're headed to San Diego tomorrow. These are the tickets that we purchased when DMIL wanted to  our house and then changed her mind. DH convinced his mom that this two day trip would be a waste of money for her and not fun. I told him we should still go and make a little anniversary trip (ours is on the 19th) and check out a couple of issues with the houses.

But he doesn't want to tell her because he doesn't want her to scream at him.

I'm the kind to take it on the chin and get it over with. I'm convinced that the word's going to get out and then it's really going to get nasty. But it must work for him.

[TrixAre4Kids]

Feb 28, 2014 22:53:29 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

We don't have a good term for someone who is a long term sex partner you wouldn't marry on a bet...

Fuck Buddy. 

[InsertCoolName]

People in my life lie for many reasons. To make their selves look/feel better. So keep from getting their ass beat, even shot in other cases. Because they have mental issues and truly believe what they are saying. And then there are those who are so lazy, that they lie to get out of doing something/everything.

But once I catch you in lie, you better believe that I will not believe anything that ever comes out of your mouth. And when I have to speak to you, it won't be with respect. If I happen to be in a really good mood, then I will just fuck with you.

[Deleted]

I believe what Tiny Speck said:

Here's my explanation - people lie in order to manipulate other people.

At least that's why I believe the biggest liar I've ever known does it. To make other people believe certain things about him or to have them behave the way he wants them to. That kind of lying really pisses me off because it takes away your choices. It could be something as big as you may choose not to deal with a person at all if they're honest about who they are or something more minor (but still frustrating to me) like you may choose not to wait on them to show up if they're honest about what time they expect to arrive.

I think that's what pisses me off so much about being lied to. I don't like being manipulated.

[Tennesseer]

Fourth grade.  Did not turn in or do a piece of homework.  The nun called my mother on a saturday morning and told her.  Mom asked me if I did the work.  I lied and said yes, it must be in my little fourth grade desk.  

As the school was right across the street from our home, mom brought me to the school and the nun was waiting for us.

The nun and my mother watched me search through my desk which probably contained all of 5 things.  I refused to admit I lied but cried and cried and swore that I did it.  The nun and mom were patient with me and smiled at each other knowing the truth.  

I finally had to give up the ghost and admit I was caught in a lie.  

Better to tell the truth and not lie or embellish facts.  Too easy (for most people) to trip themselves up when they do not remember the stories they tell and to whom they told them to.  It is so much easier to remember the truth from a modest life than fantastic embellishments and out-and-out lies of a fake one.

[Deleted]

I'm pretty much chilled with my friends' behavior EXCEPT lying.  I just don't choose to devote my energy to figuring out what's true and what's not in their stories.  If you tell me something it needs to be absolute Gospel true; if it's not, don't tell me.  And for sure don't involve me in maintaining your lies.  If you are not having drinks with me/at the spa with me/shopping with me, you better damn sure not tell your partner you are because I will out you for the lying dog you are.  

Lies are the #1 issue I have in relationships because if I can't trust and believe in a person's representations, we just can't be in relationship.  

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

A huge part of me believes the truth is always the best route, but absolutely if one has a legal/ethical/fiduciary mandate to be truthful.

But, after 54 years on this planet, I have learned that there are times when telling the truth simply isn't harmless, necessary, or appropriate.

For example, if you live in a small, rigid, provincial town and, despite your own best efforts to contribute and join in and fit in, you still don't after several years and so move out, why tell acquaintances in your new town the truth behind your move? What purpose would that serve, especially if you've made peace with your decision and are making social inroads in your new hometown? Can't one just spin the situation and simply say "I fell in love with a house" and move on? Why dredge up old hurts and disappointments? Why risk being labelled as a grudge holder? Who exactly is hurt here by not telling the absolute truth?

Similarly, if you fought your way through a very difficult, traumatic, and confusing situation and still don't know all the details of why it happened the way it did and how you got sucked into it and it can be read from several polar opposite viewpoints, can you not respond to questions about it with different answers -- depending upon your audience -- without being untruthful? Can your genuine confusion and deep wish to avoid falling one again unwittingly into such a horrific situation not yield contradictory responses?

I don't mean to be vague or clear as mud here. My point is, sometimes when you try and move on from a genuinely bad and impossible situation you can only really do so by leaving out a lot of the awful truth in conversations. Otherwise, you look like you're stuck when really you're just leaving it all behind. The truth can sometimes trap you as much as it is said that it can set you free.

[grits]

Instead of lying, why not say I thought it was time for a change, and I found this town to be more to my liking?

Some people are basically low life scum. They have lied so much to con people that they do it all the time. Some people lie to manipulate. They'd rather try to control than ask someone for a favor. I have relatives like that. I bust them on it all the time. They get huffy and say, "Are you calling me a liar?". I reply, "You lips are moving aren't they?".