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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2014 23:38:08 GMT -5
Praise her for her strength in exiting a controlling and abusive relationship. I'm sure she left under whatever terms he would agree to just to get out. His abusive behavior isn't going to change, he is just moving it to the kids now. If he can emotionally control her through the kids then he will. People like that don't change just because you leave.
She should explore social services since she might qualify for counseling even if she doesn't qualify for food stamps. If they have a 50/50 arrangement he may have already applied and be taking benefits which means she can't. In 50/50 whoever applies first gets the benefits if they qualify.
I would just be there for her when she is feeling sad or frustrated. She will dig out. The kids will figure out the dad as they get older and smarter.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Feb 26, 2014 8:20:17 GMT -5
I feel terrible for your friend, since I'm going through something similar, and it completely sucks.
I divorced a controlling husband after 17 years as a SAHM. Our two boys chose to stay with him since they didn't want to switch high schools. I get alimony, but only about half the amount I could have received. But I didn't want the kids' lives to change too much, I wanted them to be able to stay in the nice house that we had. And then since I couldn't afford the area, along with other reasons, I now live nearly 1000 miles away from them. They don't want to come visit me. They rarely answer the phone when I call or respond to my texts (oh, except when they want money). All the years of being the main parent in their lives (since Ex was barely involved) just disappeared. They blame me for the alimony making their dad, and in turn them, broke. They blame me because their lives suck. A lot of the time it's like they wish I would just not even exist.
I know they get a lot of this from their dad. These were my nice, loving kids before the divorce. I never expected this kind of backlash from them. I don't know how to counter the things he says about me without bad-mouthing him, which I've tried very hard not to do. Thinking that someday they will see their dad for who he is, and realize how he acts isn't ok, is a nice dream to hold onto. But in the meantime, this is agony.
Now that I've gone totally off on a tangent, my point was that I have no advice for her except just keep doing what she's doing. Get what services she can, and work to improve her situation, which will eventually improve her children's situation. I feel sad for her. I'm sure her kids' behavior hurts tremendously. Good wishes for her.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 26, 2014 8:24:47 GMT -5
I feel terrible for your friend, since I'm going through something similar, and it completely sucks.
I divorced a controlling husband after 17 years as a SAHM. Our two boys chose to stay with him since they didn't want to switch high schools. I get alimony, but only about half the amount I could have received. But I didn't want the kids' lives to change too much, I wanted them to be able to stay in the nice house that we had. And then since I couldn't afford the area, along with other reasons, I now live nearly 1000 miles away from them. They don't want to come visit me. They rarely answer the phone when I call or respond to my texts (oh, except when they want money). All the years of being the main parent in their lives (since Ex was barely involved) just disappeared. They blame me for the alimony making their dad, and in turn them, broke. They blame me because their lives suck. A lot of the time it's like they wish I would just not even exist.
I know they get a lot of this from their dad. These were my nice, loving kids before the divorce. I never expected this kind of backlash from them. I don't know how to counter the things he says about me without bad-mouthing him, which I've tried very hard not to do. Thinking that someday they will see their dad for who he is, and realize how he acts isn't ok, is a nice dream to hold onto. But in the meantime, this is agony.
Now that I've gone totally off on a tangent, my point was that I have no advice for her except just keep doing what she's doing. Get what services she can, and work to improve her situation, which will eventually improve her children's situation. I feel sad for her. I'm sure her kids' behavior hurts tremendously. Good wishes for her. Don't give up that hope.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 26, 2014 8:56:12 GMT -5
That is so tough. You have the normal rough age plus the trauma of divorce and the anger toward both parents but only one is safe for them to show anger to. Was once there myself except he wasn't interested in kids except to buy them or to cause me trouble with them. They DO figure it out when they get older but it sure does hurt and color relationships. I'm so sorry. Back to the OP, your friend needs to get her sit together and get what is due her. My ex pulled the same shit so I never collected alimony or CS and the courts in Florida don't impute a damn thing, no income, no money. I even tried to get more than half the assets because I knew he'd pull this shit but no dice there, either. Luckily I was able to support my kids and she needs to get there very quickly. As in get a JOB now. Not two piddly ass ones but a real job. Places are hiring.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2014 9:02:32 GMT -5
This hits home because I also divorced a mean, abusive husband. My situation was different since I had a job, but tell your friend that she's taught her daughters a powerful lesson in divorcing their father- that you shouldn't put up with an abusive husband because because you want the money. If she hadn't divorced him, the daughters might have made similar choices as adults because it seemed "normal"- they grew up with it. When the girls complain about not getting what they want, she should tell them she chose to live a life free of abuse rather than stay married for the money.
And, if she reads the Bible, remind her of Proverbs 17:1 : "Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife."
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Feb 26, 2014 9:56:10 GMT -5
Well, just a quick update... I talked to my friend last night and her mother is coming on Sat. Her mom just retired in January and lives about 5 hrs away. She is going to come and stay at least for the month of March and maybe longer. I think that will at least help a little in regards to having some emotional support right now. My friend also called TWC and can get the lowest speed internet for $14.95 a month (or something like that). IMHO she doesn't NEED cable. Sorry, the girls can live without it... but internet is almost a necessity these days for school work. Her mom has stated that she will pay for Netflix. Mom is also going to supply food and partial rent for the time that she is there. My friend has agreed that she needs to apply for food stamps. This may sound crazy, but neither one of us have any idea on how to do this... What does she need to do? Where does she start? At this moment I am extremely thankful that I actually don't know the answers to these questions because I have never had to seek services.
I really think she will be okay... she just needs to get a plan in place.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Feb 26, 2014 10:33:20 GMT -5
Okay, I just found out that I am getting a $2,500 bonus this Friday. The last 7 weeks have been crazy at work and I suppose the company recognized all the hours I put in (things are much calmer now). At any rate, this is completely unexpected!! In a way I want to give my friend a little of this money (not much - maybe $200) but I am extremely hesitant to do this... I don't believe she is the type to ask for money later on but you just never know. Perhaps I should just stick the cash in an envelop and put it in her mailbox. I hate leaving cash sitting around though...
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Feb 26, 2014 10:50:38 GMT -5
Okay, I just found out that I am getting a $2,500 bonus this Friday. The last 7 weeks have been crazy at work and I suppose the company recognized all the hours I put in (things are much calmer now). At any rate, this is completely unexpected!! In a way I want to give my friend a little of this money (not much - maybe $200) but I am extremely hesitant to do this... I don't believe she is the type to ask for money later on but you just never know. Perhaps I should just stick the cash in an envelop and put it in her mailbox. I hate leaving cash sitting around though... That is really nice of you. You are a fantastic friend to her! In my experience most people wouldn't want to take accept the cash as it seems crass but they would accept a gift. maybe you could "gift" here with a years internet service. If she has found out it is $14.95 that would be pretty close to the $200 for the year and would probably make her and her kids very happy. As far as food stamps I thought it was administered by county social servces in each state but I thought there was a help line for things like that similar to 411. I don't remember the number but I think it was 311 or some other digit with 11 after it. HTH good luck!
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Feb 26, 2014 10:51:53 GMT -5
Although I've heard of that, given that he's only reporting $600 a month income and she works two retail jobs so probably has a similarly low income, would there really be enough disparity to warrant that? Not sure how it works in other states and maybe my friends haven't always gotten good legal advice but the couple of friends I've had that got divorced from a spouse who was underreporting business income in a situation similar to this both got told they were kinda SOL. The gist was that if for years they had benefitted by going along with the huge underreporting of income while they were married, they couldn't very well come forward and point out the spouse's underreporting without causing themself issues. After all, they had signed those tax returns with the underreporting for years as well, so unless they had evidence to show the reporting was honest when they were together and that the underreporting was happening only after the marriage ended, tough cookies. Too many variables to say what would happen. I know that the judge I appear in front of regularly would impute income to him and have him pay some child support, depending on how much was spent regularly during the marriage. Amount would range from $25 to $150 a week. My income was imputed at around $15 hr, if I remember correctly, and I wasn't working at all. I was finishing my BA when we went back to court. His CS was reduced by several hundred due to my "contribution". He really believed that because I eventually remarried DH who made significantly more than ex, he shouldn't have to pay anything. Of course he didn't think his CS should go up when he married any of his subsequent wives and his household income increased. Its a big whatever at this point...CS ended several years ago and I love not having to talk to him about anything anymore....not that he doesn't occasionally bug me about something.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2014 10:54:54 GMT -5
I wouldn't leave it in her mailbox. I'd figure out another way to give it to her that wouldn't embarrass her, if you think she'd have a hard time accepting it. Do you know of anything she needs but doesn't have the money to buy? Some people can accept gifts more easily than cash. Is there an expense you can easily just go pay for her so she doesn't have to worry about it? Or maybe stick the cash in a card and leave it at her house the next time you visit, for her to open later, when you're not around.
ETA: beachbum beat me to it! I thought about putting it toward the internet service too.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 26, 2014 10:56:57 GMT -5
almost40 DSHS Dept of Social and Health Services (google it for your state) for food stamps. As far as helping your friend, is there a bill you could pay directly and perhaps anonymously? Or buy a gift card for a grocery store and put it into a "Hang in There" type greeting card.
I was going to suggest you print out this thread and share it with your friend so that she knows she's not alone.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Feb 26, 2014 10:59:00 GMT -5
You might going to find it untrue (knowing I am really crazy about my child) but I would tell a child who is 'bratty' with me to go live with her father and not come back here anymore. Here could be 2 way outcome. Child misses Mom and comes back and behaving. Father showing his side as an asshole because he wants his free time back. 3rd way is negative - kids could just get upset and thinking mom chased them away. In this case it wasn't a good parenting to begin with.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 26, 2014 11:15:01 GMT -5
I know money is tight but she can get items and they can have a "make your own sundae" night. As well as pizzas or whatever else they are complaining about not going out for.
There will come a time when the kids will have to have a computer to do their school work. That is just the way it is. She might contact the school to see what she can do when that happens.
There are computers available at most public libraries. I know it's very hard to get out during the bad weather, but that is an option.
She is foolish for not taking assistance of every kind that she can get. That is what it is for. I feel she has an "I don't deserve anything" poor self-esteem thoughts about herself
Another way to get extra money if there is a business available, is to sell blood platelets.
If she has the temperament, she could babysit. Babysitters are in hot demand most of the time. If she went through training, that would be even better.
Thank you for being her friend.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2014 11:18:36 GMT -5
You might going to find it untrue (knowing I am really crazy about my child) but I would tell a child who is 'bratty' with me to go live with her father and not come back here anymore. Here could be 2 way outcome. Child misses Mom and comes back and behaving. Father showing his side as an asshole because he wants his free time back. 3rd way is negative - kids could just get upset and thinking mom chased them away. In this case it wasn't a good parenting to begin with. 4th way: Dad convinces daughters Mom is mean and stingy and they should live 100% with him. Then he takes Mom to court and demands child support. Telling them to go live with their father is a dangerous game. I would also never take the chance of having my kids live with an abusive parent. They need to learn that good parents don't hurt (physically or emotionally) their children.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Feb 26, 2014 11:32:18 GMT -5
Thanks for all the ideas. I have decided to get her a visa gift card in the amount of $150. I know I originally said $200 but there is a local animal rescue that received a puppy this week with some severe burns and I want to give $50 to help with his needs. The rest of my bonus will be put into savings.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 26, 2014 11:35:05 GMT -5
You might going to find it untrue (knowing I am really crazy about my child) but I would tell a child who is 'bratty' with me to go live with her father and not come back here anymore. Here could be 2 way outcome. Child misses Mom and comes back and behaving. Father showing his side as an asshole because he wants his free time back. 3rd way is negative - kids could just get upset and thinking mom chased them away. In this case it wasn't a good parenting to begin with. try googling "parental alienation syndrome."
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Feb 26, 2014 11:37:56 GMT -5
Thanks for all the ideas. I have decided to get her a visa gift card in the amount of $150. I know I originally said $200 but there is a local animal rescue that received a puppy this week with some severe burns and I want to give $50 to help with his needs. The rest of my bonus will be put into savings. It is nice and generous but how is it going to help on the long run?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2014 11:45:47 GMT -5
Thanks for all the ideas. I have decided to get her a visa gift card in the amount of $150. I know I originally said $200 but there is a local animal rescue that received a puppy this week with some severe burns and I want to give $50 to help with his needs. The rest of my bonus will be put into savings. It is nice and generous but how is it going to help on the long run? Almost40 can't fix things for the long term for her friend. Her friend has to do that for herself. In the meantime, Almost40 is being a thoughtful, caring friend while she figures it out. That's really all she can do.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Feb 26, 2014 11:49:21 GMT -5
It is nice and generous but how is it going to help on the long run? Almost40 can't fix things for the long term for her friend. Her friend has to do that for herself. In the meantime, Almost40 is being a thoughtful, caring friend while she figures it out. That's really all she can do. I do not see it is going to help anything. Friend doesn't want anything from her husband so she might consider that $150 a handout. Well, want to explain to not to seem mean. Someone I know lost his job long time ago. Looking but not avail. I am thinking of adding him to my phone plan (will cost me $10) and he will get free phone and I will just pay that $10 as long as it need to be. So what I am saying if OP could provide maybe Internet for girls. Or something that will take care of one thing off friend's shoulders...but just handing out money to a such proud person...JMO
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 26, 2014 11:56:15 GMT -5
Friend doesn't want anything from her husband so she might consider that $150 a handout. Friend has a different relationship with almost40 than she does with the ex. Duh!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Feb 26, 2014 12:00:15 GMT -5
Friend doesn't want anything from her husband so she might consider that $150 a handout. Friend has a different relationship with almost40 than she does with the ex. Duh! I would accept handout like that no problems. Also I do not think that friend is so close to anyone. Including OP. Let's just wait and see.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 26, 2014 14:27:08 GMT -5
Thanks for all the ideas. I have decided to get her a visa gift card in the amount of $150. I know I originally said $200 but there is a local animal rescue that received a puppy this week with some severe burns and I want to give $50 to help with his needs. The rest of my bonus will be put into savings. Make sure she knows there may be an expiration date on the Visa card. I only bring this up because someone gave me one when I moved into new digs and I didn't notice the expiration date on card. I thought it was just like a regular gift card. Fortunately I only had $1.16 left on it when declined. Then again maybe I am a majority of one who wouldn't notice something like this but it was the first one I had ever gotten They may not all be that way but mine was. You are a good friend for wanting to help out.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Feb 26, 2014 15:37:46 GMT -5
Thanks for all the ideas. I have decided to get her a visa gift card in the amount of $150. I know I originally said $200 but there is a local animal rescue that received a puppy this week with some severe burns and I want to give $50 to help with his needs. The rest of my bonus will be put into savings. Make sure she knows there may be an expiration date on the Visa card. I only bring this up because someone gave me one when I moved into new digs and I didn't notice the expiration date on card. I thought it was just like a regular gift card. Fortunately I only had $1.16 left on it when declined. Then again maybe I am a majority of one who wouldn't notice something like this but it was the first one I had ever gotten They may not all be that way but mine was. You are a good friend for wanting to help out. I dont think they can do that anymore.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 26, 2014 15:48:37 GMT -5
whoami This was last year in February that I was given mine. It had a June epiration date on it. Like I said it totally slipped by me since I looked at it like a regular gift card!!! I thought the regs had changed too but just a reminder in case they hadn't!!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Feb 26, 2014 16:01:36 GMT -5
Thanks for all the ideas. I have decided to get her a visa gift card in the amount of $150. I know I originally said $200 but there is a local animal rescue that received a puppy this week with some severe burns and I want to give $50 to help with his needs. The rest of my bonus will be put into savings. You are a very good person.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Feb 26, 2014 16:17:15 GMT -5
I feel terrible for your friend, since I'm going through something similar, and it completely sucks.
I divorced a controlling husband after 17 years as a SAHM. Our two boys chose to stay with him since they didn't want to switch high schools. I get alimony, but only about half the amount I could have received. But I didn't want the kids' lives to change too much, I wanted them to be able to stay in the nice house that we had. And then since I couldn't afford the area, along with other reasons, I now live nearly 1000 miles away from them. They don't want to come visit me. They rarely answer the phone when I call or respond to my texts (oh, except when they want money). All the years of being the main parent in their lives (since Ex was barely involved) just disappeared. They blame me for the alimony making their dad, and in turn them, broke. They blame me because their lives suck. A lot of the time it's like they wish I would just not even exist.
I know they get a lot of this from their dad. These were my nice, loving kids before the divorce. I never expected this kind of backlash from them. I don't know how to counter the things he says about me without bad-mouthing him, which I've tried very hard not to do. Thinking that someday they will see their dad for who he is, and realize how he acts isn't ok, is a nice dream to hold onto. But in the meantime, this is agony.
Now that I've gone totally off on a tangent, my point was that I have no advice for her except just keep doing what she's doing. Get what services she can, and work to improve her situation, which will eventually improve her children's situation. I feel sad for her. I'm sure her kids' behavior hurts tremendously. Good wishes for her. I'm so sorry flutterby, that sounds exactly how my H's children treated him after his divorce, except he was sending his exwife and children a TON of money, but it was never enough. If it is any consolation, the son is slowly coming around and likes us a lot, in fact he wants to move to the city we live in now (1500 miles away) because its so cool. And he calls and texts his dad almost every day (he is 23 (?) now and it's been ~8-9 years since the divorce. Don't give up hope on your kids. You sound like a good mother. I'm sorry it is such a thankless, heartbreaking job.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Feb 26, 2014 16:36:20 GMT -5
whoami This was last year in February that I was given mine. It had a June epiration date on it. Like I said it totally slipped by me since I looked at it like a regular gift card!!! I thought the regs had changed too but just a reminder in case they hadn't!! Im the queen of putting gift cards in my wallet and forgetting about them. I just found an AMEX gift card from Christmas I lost track of. Feb-June? I would have been screwed. I vaguely remember some story in the news that they dont expire any longer but Im not sure if the value can still be eaten up by fees. Good to know at any rate.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Feb 26, 2014 16:51:30 GMT -5
almost40 - you are a good person and a good friend! At least your friend can count herself lucky to have you. And I'mhappy her mom will be coming to lend some support as well.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Feb 26, 2014 17:46:05 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. I will be honest, when I saw the pictures of that burned puppy I was tempted to donate the entire $200 to the animal rescue so I am not sure if that makes me such a good friend or not...
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Feb 26, 2014 17:50:26 GMT -5
You are a great friend and bless you for helping the puppy. I am the world's biggest sucker for animals. I love em all. I hope your friend feels better soon.
Those girls need to have more respect for their mother, money or no money.
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