Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Feb 20, 2014 10:32:59 GMT -5
That's sad Captain. My dad is not my bio-dad. He met my mom when I was a baby. I didn't find any of this out until I was 11/12 when they told me. He has NEVER treated me differently than my other sibs. He was a raging asshole, but at least he was an asshole to all of us. But seriously, the one really great redeeming quality about him was that he treated me the same. Because of him, I don't view biological relationships as any stronger than non-biological ones. Relationships are what you make of them - blood is a footnote.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 20, 2014 10:49:07 GMT -5
That's sad Captain. My dad is not my bio-dad. He met my mom when I was a baby. I didn't find any of this out until I was 11/12 when they told me. He has NEVER treated me differently than my other sibs. He was a raging asshole, but at least he was an asshole to all of us. But seriously, the one really great redeeming quality about him was that he treated me the same. Because of him, I don't view biological relationships as any stronger than non-biological ones. Relationships are what you make of them - blood is a footnote. So THAT! Thank you.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 20, 2014 11:26:43 GMT -5
OK, I am just going to throw this out there once and then step away from this topic....
I would be BEYOND ROYALLY PISSED OFF if my husband was discussing such personal issues on a message board, ESPECIALLY since he already met one member in person.
And even if my husband didn't care, *I* would be VERY upset if there was a whole discussion going about his sperm and my eggs and my miscarriages, etc etc etc and I wasn't even privy to it.
I know not everyone as private as I might be, but I would think long and hard before posting threads like this one
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Feb 20, 2014 12:13:15 GMT -5
I'm going to be a terrible wet blanket here, but I have to ask...what caused the previous miscarriage? If the idea of going through that again is traumatizing you might be asking the wrong questions because I don't think your sperm would be the issue there. I hope you understand why I'm bringing this up. I'm guessing they have no idea. It could be random. It could be her egg. It could be a genetic defect. I doubt they will ever know. Carl, forgive me if you answered, but IUI is very affordable - is there a reason that it isn't on the table? And to answer your op- probably only you know the answer, but I think you've been given plenty to think about. You seem like a very loving and caring person. I can't 'see' you rejecting or loving your baby less because he or she doesn't look like you.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 20, 2014 12:46:50 GMT -5
I think this is the crux of the issue. Mrs C and the baby would have a biological connection, and Carl may feel excluded from that just a bit (like a third wheel). Adoption makes the parenting relationship equal. I also think it would be painful if Mrs C makes comments along the lines of "oh look Baby C has my eyes or grandma's nose" and Carl has to be reminded once again that he can't say those things. It's isn't about loving the child less, it's about the inequality of his relationship to the baby vs Mrs C's relationship. I like the idea of using donor eggs if Mrs C really wants to get pregnant. Or just plain ol adoption. Carl's feelings are completely valid and I think if he tries to sweep them under the rug to make Mrs C happy, it could come back at some point and really harm their marriage. IMO this isn't a parenting issue but a marriage one. (((HUGS))) Carl. I'm so sorry you're struggling with these things. I agree that Carl's feelings are valid, but I'm not sure the first step is to just dismiss the idea of the cheapest, fastest, easiest way to get pregnant. Soul searching, and maybe even a little counseling will help Carl figure out if this is something he will get past, or if the idea of a child resulting from half of the couple's DNA is unbearable. The fact that he is asking makes me think he isn't completely convinced he should necessarily act on his feelings at this time. Ask your fertility specialist if they know of any counselors that specialize in these types of issues. Maybe talking it out with someone will provide more clarity.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Feb 20, 2014 18:24:05 GMT -5
OK, I am just going to throw this out there once and then step away from this topic.... I would be BEYOND ROYALLY PISSED OFF if my husband was discussing such personal issues on a message board, ESPECIALLY since he already met one member in person. And even if my husband didn't care, *I* would be VERY upset if there was a whole discussion going about his sperm and my eggs and my miscarriages, etc etc etc and I wasn't even privy to it. I know not everyone as private as I might be, but I would think long and hard before posting threads like this one Isn't that what message boards are for? To give you an outlet of things you can't discuss to people IRL. I know I discuss things on here and other communities that I would never discuss IRL. It is a way to have an anonymous outlet (or somewhat anonymous). Even if you have met these people IRL they aren't a part of your everyday, they aren't going to go tell your family. There is so much more that I talk about and say here that I just can't say in real life. Issues with hubby that I don't want my family knowing about, but I need that outlet. It isn't something you just bring up with friends or family unless you want everyone knowing.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 20, 2014 18:25:27 GMT -5
OK, I am just going to throw this out there once and then step away from this topic.... I would be BEYOND ROYALLY PISSED OFF if my husband was discussing such personal issues on a message board, ESPECIALLY since he already met one member in person. And even if my husband didn't care, *I* would be VERY upset if there was a whole discussion going about his sperm and my eggs and my miscarriages, etc etc etc and I wasn't even privy to it. I know not everyone as private as I might be, but I would think long and hard before posting threads like this one Well, not everyone is as private as you.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 20, 2014 18:50:42 GMT -5
OK, I am just going to throw this out there once and then step away from this topic.... I would be BEYOND ROYALLY PISSED OFF if my husband was discussing such personal issues on a message board, ESPECIALLY since he already met one member in person. And even if my husband didn't care, *I* would be VERY upset if there was a whole discussion going about his sperm and my eggs and my miscarriages, etc etc etc and I wasn't even privy to it. I know not everyone as private as I might be, but I would think long and hard before posting threads like this one I'm very private in real life but I am more open on a message board. While a few of the posters know me in real life, most of you don't (and I met those peeps through here). I would not be upset if my husband was reaching out to people we don't know. We all need support, it is just a matter of where we are comfortable getting it. If reaching out here helps Carl deal with everything, I would be fine with it if he were my husband. Years ago when I was first dealing withy finding out I had a special needs child I found a great group of women on a message board. They got me through some tough times, including the breakdown of my marriage. It helps me a lot to talk to people I didn't know in real life (though I do now) about very private issues. To this day, they are the only group of people that know why my husband and I separated. We all need people like that
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 20, 2014 18:52:02 GMT -5
Well, i don't think he needs to explain either way why or why not he wants to talk about what he wants to talk about. Lots of people are very open on message boards.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2014 19:10:48 GMT -5
Carl, forgive me if you answered, but IUI is very affordable - is there a reason that it isn't on the table? I am going to ask at my next appointment. We were just advised that IVF would be the best route for our situation...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2014 19:12:09 GMT -5
Ahhh...got it! Thank you!! ETA: well then, maybe they should consider the more expensive option if it would give Carl peace of mind? The issue is there is no guarantee of a baby with the most expensive option. Hopefully we won't need it...
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financialpeace
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Post by financialpeace on Feb 20, 2014 19:20:27 GMT -5
I second whoever suggested trying natural methods to improve sperm count while you are figuring out and/or saving up for other things. I suggest you read up on maca. It is supposed to be beneficial for men and women with fertility issues. I have been taking it and have definitely noticed a change. I don't know yet if it will help me be successful, but it's worth checking out.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Feb 20, 2014 23:55:58 GMT -5
OK, I am just going to throw this out there once and then step away from this topic.... I would be BEYOND ROYALLY PISSED OFF if my husband was discussing such personal issues on a message board, ESPECIALLY since he already met one member in person. And even if my husband didn't care, *I* would be VERY upset if there was a whole discussion going about his sperm and my eggs and my miscarriages, etc etc etc and I wasn't even privy to it. I know not everyone as private as I might be, but I would think long and hard before posting threads like this one Have you read any of Carl's thread before? He discusses all sorts of private things and there were some that were way worse than this, at least in terms of what would piss me off if i was his wife. I love that we can come to a board and discuss stuff like this honestly. I've admitted to stuff on here that I pretty much would never say to someone in real life because it is easier to be honest in an anonymous setting. IRL you have to deal with judgement and possibly screwing up relationships.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 21, 2014 7:19:05 GMT -5
Except for a few people wh might get their jollies by tracking him and his wife down and informing her of what is said here, I think most people use this forum for advice and to vent. Others do use it for other reasons but I'm assuming Carl has been warned against them.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 21, 2014 7:21:03 GMT -5
Also, now clomid is being prescribed for men to increase sperm count.
Have you done any testing to see what is causing the issues? When's the last time you had a general physical?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2014 8:15:56 GMT -5
Except for a few people wh might get their jollies by tracking him and his wife down and informing her of what is said here, I think most people use this forum for advice and to vent. Others do use it for other reasons but I'm assuming Carl has been warned against them. WOW! There's a pretty far jump from someone taking a looky-loo at your FB picture to becoming an actual stalker. ETA: Unless something else happened that I don't know about. If so, I apologize for marginalizing your feelings. I hope so too!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 21, 2014 9:17:19 GMT -5
Except for a few people wh might get their jollies by tracking him and his wife down and informing her of what is said here, I think most people use this forum for advice and to vent. Others do use it for other reasons but I'm assuming Carl has been warned against them. WOW! There's a pretty far jump from someone taking a looky-loo at your FB picture to becoming an actual stalker. ETA: Unless something else happened that I don't know about. If so, I apologize for marginalizing your feelings. I hope so too! And that is why beer just warms the bench at the mean girl meetings...she is too nice
For the record, I HAD a real stalker from the old MSN boards. Crazy bitch went so far a to call my employer. She emailed me and a few others to let us know that she had our names, addresses, etc. THAT is a crazy stalker. Me realizing that a suggestion on facebook is a person from here is NOT stalking. Heck, I've even emailed a few people on here to let them know that they show up as a suggested friend so they might want to change their settings if they aren't comfortable with the rest of us knowing who they are in real life.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Feb 21, 2014 9:59:11 GMT -5
I would love a baby I raised but might not feel right if I wasn't the bio mom but my husband was the bio dad. My ex suggested we get a baby by him getting someone pregnant so it would be his bio child but not mine. I would have felt it was his child not our child. Adopted we would be equal parents. I would be jealous of him getting to be a bio parent not me. If we divorced I would think he would get the child and any fight with the child it would say I wasn't the mom.Carl I hope you get a baby the regular way but any way you do it make sure you understand your own feelings and your wife's feelings. Figure out if she would think it was equally your baby or mostly her baby. I think you would love a baby you raised because you would be proud of your influence on the child. You would take credit for the child becoming the best they could be because of your guidance. Take some time and really consider what is best for the entire family. Wife having her own bio child would be great for her but maybe not for the entire family. I think this is the crux of the issue. Mrs C and the baby would have a biological connection, and Carl may feel excluded from that just a bit (like a third wheel). Adoption makes the parenting relationship equal. I also think it would be painful if Mrs C makes comments along the lines of "oh look Baby C has my eyes or grandma's nose" and Carl has to be reminded once again that he can't say those things. It's isn't about loving the child less, it's about the inequality of his relationship to the baby vs Mrs C's relationship. I like the idea of using donor eggs if Mrs C really wants to get pregnant. Or just plain ol adoption. Carl's feelings are completely valid and I think if he tries to sweep them under the rug to make Mrs C happy, it could come back at some point and really harm their marriage. IMO this isn't a parenting issue but a marriage one. (((HUGS))) Carl. I'm so sorry you're struggling with these things. FWIW, I'm told all the time how beautiful; my daughters are when I go out with SIL and my nieces. I am not biologically related to them (DH's sister) but somehow they are my kids a lot of the time.... Sometimes we each have a kid....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 21, 2014 10:02:16 GMT -5
Neither of my kids look like me. I'm okay with that.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Feb 21, 2014 10:51:29 GMT -5
My kids are spitting images of each other. They have parts that are all DH and parts that are all me, but other than eye color and hair color, oh and the fact that DD's ears stick out just a hair more) they look exactly alike especially if you look at pictures from the same age. It is freaky. Part of the reason I dress DD in pink/purple and girly stuff all the time is so 20 years from now I can look at a picture and figure out which kid it is. My sister and I looked exactly alike at the same age and since I got her handmedowns there are lots of pictures of the 2 of us 7 years apart in the same outfit with the same hair cut and it is like crap which one of us is that.
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aliciar6
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Post by aliciar6 on Feb 21, 2014 11:20:02 GMT -5
It's a hard question, and there are a lot of infertility boards where you can get a lot of insight, especially since many of the women have had to resort to using donor eggs, which is the reverse of your problem. point of fact, i was an egg donor once, I have no idea if the family is going to tell their child, they have my medical history and background already. I don't know what I would tell my child if we had to use donor eggs or sperm. That is a tough question. Maybe when they were older and were starting to have a family of their own and if they were having issues, and some times they may want to know who the donor was, but in my case, you are asked as the donor if you would ever want to be contacted by the child if they wanted to know who you were, some people will say no to that. I can't remember what I said, it was either no, or only if the family wanted it. I am pretty sure it was no.
with DH and I going through IF for the last 1.5 years, the topic of adoption has come up and I think I would have an easier time with that vs donor sperm or donor eggs. DH has cousins that were adopted, and I think if it comes to it, and after I have mourned the fact that I can't have kids (if it comes to that), then I would be open to adoption, though of an older child, not an infant.
I can live without being pregnant. Pregnancy and delivery kind of scares me. Pregnancy after a loss is even scarier since you live day to day wondering "is it going to stick, is it going to stick", trying not to get your hopes up; and when you are paying a lot of money for the chance to get pregnant, which most people are able to do without problem, it makes for an even more bitter pill to swallow. I will say I have been surprised to learn just how many people suffer from IF in the last year and half.
To discuss the insurance and cost aspects: last year our insurance didn't cover any fertility treatments like IUI, IVF etc. So we spent about 13K OOP. We filed taxes this year seperately to recoup some of the costs since I had enough deductions that I could get my income low enough to claim 9K of the medical expenses, we got a larger refund filing seperately.
We switched my insurance company to one that covers IVF, initially we thought based on their brochure for 2014 they didn't, it was a mistake and they do. Even if we had to pay OOP for IVF with ICSI to use DH's sperm, I would rather do that than pay for donor sperm and do IUI's. I think mentally I can take the 3 IUI's we will do and at least 1 IVF, it's been long enough and hard enough, that emotionally I can't do much more than that. I don't know how Mrs. C feels and how much she is willing to go through before moving on to adoption, but that is another thing to consider.
Resolve is a great website to help find resources to fund IVF or see if there are studies in your areas, sometimes you can get into studies and have to pay very minimal costs. They also have a great network for IF support as well.
Nothing is guaranteed to work, many clinics or organizations (ARC, Attain) have shared risk plans. But besides cost, there is a total mental and emotional roller coaster that takes more of a toll, I feel at least.
Telling family is hard, especially if they are going to be nosy and always offering opinions and advice. So far, it's been easy for us to have our family to talk to and really educational for them. It also ensured we never got the "when are you going to give us grandchildren/great grandchildren" questions.
Decide what is most important to you and if you haven't checked out any of the IF boards, they are a great resource and support system.
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justme
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Post by justme on Feb 21, 2014 11:30:35 GMT -5
I was just going to look up the name of it, I think I've heard ICSI is helpful when the sperm is the issue.
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aliciar6
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Post by aliciar6 on Feb 21, 2014 11:33:42 GMT -5
Ahhh...got it! Thank you!! ETA: well then, maybe they should consider the more expensive option if it would give Carl peace of mind? The issue is there is no guarantee of a baby with the most expensive option. Hopefully we won't need it... when we were paying OOP one thing we looked at was the cost of the procedures vs % success rate and that it typically took a lot more times with IUI than IVF to get pregnant. If your insurance covers IUI, then no issue there, except the mental issue of having to go through it x number of times. Yes there is more cost involved, there is more time with monitoring appointments, more risk for things like OHSS, but you have a greater 1st time success rate. But I wouldn't rule it out just for cost, especially how you feel, and I think your feelings are legitimate. I know I would have a harder time using donor eggs/sperm vs adoption.
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