gifts & significant other

[Gardening Grandma]

Jan 28, 2014 13:16:22 GMT -5 @bluester said:

The Valentine's Day advertising has got me thinking about things.

I know of some people that get awesome gifts. A co-worker was surprised with a new car for Christmas. (I thought that only happened on tv.) Others can say "I need a new iPod" and the next day they have a new iPod. I hear of this happening with many things: winter coats, boots, lap tops, tablets, etc.

My significant other and I do not do anything special. Well, maybe I do. Since Christmas I bought him a nice shirt that was on sale and now I ordered him a winter coat that he needs. Other than that, we fend for ourselves. We are not married.

It's kind of depressing.

Do you and your significant other buy things for each other? Do you buy nice, thoughtful gifts? Do you receive any gifts?

We usually give each other a nice card.  I make a special dinner.  He generally gives me flowers and sometimes a small box of chocolates (unless I'm on a diet).  I don't care for the commercialization.  After Christmas gifting, and our anniversary in January, I have "gift fatigue".  

[Sum Dum Gai]

Oddly all of our true Hallmark moments have happened at times other than when we actually exchange sappy Hallmark cards.  Think about it.  Picture three truly amazing moments with your spouse.  Are any of them pointless Holidays where you exchange sappy cards?  None of mine are.

I can remember sitting on my wife's hospital bed holding our first born child together.  Hallmark will never write a card that can even open that jar, much less cut the mustard.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"If it pisses you off that you don't get a gift you need to say something.":::...

There used to be these flower operations that would crop up for valentines week near my old office.  The lines were enormous.  It was a nice option for the guys in the "if you don't come home with flowers, don't come home at all" boat.  I am of course open to the possibility that some folks put so much stock in valentines day because they do NOT feel appreciated at any other time of the year.

Many years ago, another friend thought he was smart leaving work early to go to Godiva to pick up chocolate strawberries.  When he got there, he joined the 30 other men who were waiting for more strawberries to be made.  One dude had the idea to call ahead and pre-pay.  He strolled up to the counter and picked up his order.  I think half the men in line simultaneously face-palmed.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

We don't do much for Valentine's Day.  I could care less but DH insists on getting me flowers.

I found out last year I better at least get him a card because I took him up on his "you don't need to do anything" suggestion.  Then I was in the doghouse because I didn't do anything.   I swear sometimes he's the chick in this relationship.
 
We do exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas but certainly not things like brand new cars. I'd kill DH if he surprised me with a new car.  We don't have the money to "surprise" each other like that.

[Deleted]

I guess I'm not specifically talking about Valentine's Day. I am talking about throughout the year.

For example: I bought him a winter coat because he needs one.

I have been "dating" him for over five years. I see no reason to get married. That could be a whole other topic.

[midjd]

We don't do gifts...but if I'm shopping and see something I know he'll like, I buy it, and vice versa.

I did tell DH I want a Mother's Day gift this year (and am getting him a Father's Day one).

I don't understand the whole passive-aggressive "if he loved me, he'd know I wanted a gift" dance. If you want something, say something. If you don't, don't get mad if the occasion doesn't live up to your expectations. People aren't mind-readers.

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2014 14:23:52 GMT -5 @bluester said:

I guess I'm not specifically talking about Valentine's Day. I am talking about throughout the year.

For example: I bought him a winter coat because he needs one.

I have been "dating" him for over five years. I see no reason to get married. That could be a whole other topic.

I dated DH for 10 years before we got married. And even when we weren't hitched I could still tell him that I was PO'd because he did or did not do something. 

Seems to me that co-habitating without the benefit of marriage is not your biggest problem. Lack of communication is. 

[midjd]

Jan 28, 2014 14:08:24 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Oddly all of our true Hallmark moments have happened at times other than when we actually exchange sappy Hallmark cards.  Think about it.  Picture three truly amazing moments with your spouse.  Are any of them pointless Holidays where you exchange sappy cards?  None of mine are.

I can remember sitting on my wife's hospital bed holding our first born child together.  Hallmark will never write a card that can even open that jar, much less cut the mustard.

Exactly.

The summer before we moved to NY, DH and I worked together in a machine shop. He used to take small pieces of scrap aluminum and write inside jokes on them with a dremel tool and give them to me during breaks. I hated that job, but that made it bearable. I still have them all, but I don't think I've kept a single card he's given me...

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Does buying my husband new underwear count?  

He purchased me a necklace at the farmer's market I was eyeballing but talked myself out of.

Otherwise it's very small things like if I see Symphony bars I'll grab one because I know DH likes them.  He'll get me Rold's Dark Chocolate pretzels if he sees them.

But it's not a regular occurence. 

I suppose you have to ask yourself if 5 years with this guy and everything else he brings to the table is worth him not being a gift giver.

[imawino]

Sure, it's a made up holiday, but so what? I can still like presents! I can also still like drinking on St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo, despite a bunch of Debbie Downers bitching that's not what the holiday is about. Who cares? I'm pretty sure Christmas was not originally about buying out FAO Schwartz either.



In truth, sometimes we celebrate and sometimes we don't. Same with birthdays, though we have a chat about it before. This year it "sounds" like we are getting each other extravagant gifts - I bought box seats to an NHL game and will take him out to a nice dinner and stay in a hotel, he's taking me to Miami for a weekend - but in truth that was stuff we wanted to do and would do anyway, we just decided to call them our valentine gifts to each other. We went to New Orleans for a weekend in December and called it a Christmas present. Which is actually funnier than celebrating valentine's day considering I'm an atheist and he is Jewish, albeit non-practicing.

But anyhoodle - any time he wants to come home with a card or flowers or chocolates or any token a tall, I won't bitch about how stupid it is. I'll say thank you and mean it, and I assume he would do the same.

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2014 14:30:52 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Jan 28, 2014 14:23:52 GMT -5 @bluester said:

I guess I'm not specifically talking about Valentine's Day. I am talking about throughout the year.

For example: I bought him a winter coat because he needs one.

I have been "dating" him for over five years. I see no reason to get married. That could be a whole other topic.

I dated DH for 10 years before we got married. And even when we weren't hitched I could still tell him that I was PO'd because he did or did not do something. 

Seems to me that co-habitating without the benefit of marriage is not your biggest problem. Lack of communication is. 

No. It seems to me he is a lost cause. I do communicate what I want or need, but he does not care. LOL  

[Peace Of Mind]

Jan 28, 2014 14:26:30 GMT -5 midjd said:

We don't do gifts...but if I'm shopping and see something I know he'll like, I buy it, and vice versa.

I did tell DH I want a Mother's Day gift this year (and am getting him a Father's Day one).

I don't understand the whole passive-aggressive "if he loved me, he'd know I wanted a gift" dance. If you want something, say something. If you don't, don't get mad if the occasion doesn't live up to your expectations. People aren't mind-readers.

I don't get that either.  DH and I don't exchange gifts any more because the last thing we need is more crap but we still acknowledge Valentine's Day in some way.  We don't need a holiday of sorts to buy something the other would appreciate when we think of it.  Like last night - He bought me a bottle of Disaronna.  It's my new favorite liquor.  That means far more to me than some token gift because the marketing powers that be say he needs to buy me a gift.

He is blessed with my presence every day so he's happy.   Ok - the real reasons he is happy is that he has clean house, clean clothes and a home cooked meal most nights. 

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2014 14:34:26 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Jan 28, 2014 14:30:52 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

I dated DH for 10 years before we got married. And even when we weren't hitched I could still tell him that I was PO'd because he did or did not do something. 

Seems to me that co-habitating without the benefit of marriage is not your biggest problem. Lack of communication is. 

No. It seems to me he is a lost cause. I do communicate what I want or need, but he does not care. LOL  

Then you have two choices: stay with him as he is or leave and find someone who does care. 

[Deleted]

if you get him gifts and you don't think he's reciprocating, that's a whole other conversation... one you need to have with him ASAP.

[Deleted]

was he like this 6 months in? A year in? 3 Years in? If so, then that's just him and you need to either deal or leave, like @beerwench said.

[imawino]

Jan 28, 2014 14:40:30 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

Jan 28, 2014 14:33:38 GMT -5 imawino said:

Sure, it's a made up holiday, but so what? I can still like presents! I can also still like drinking on St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo, despite a bunch of Debbie Downers bitching that's not what the holiday is about. Who cares? I'm pretty sure Christmas was not originally about buying out FAO Schwartz either.

Don't you dare badmouth Cinco de Drinko! It is too a real holiday!

Lo siento! Fiesta!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jan 28, 2014 14:34:26 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Jan 28, 2014 14:30:52 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

I dated DH for 10 years before we got married. And even when we weren't hitched I could still tell him that I was PO'd because he did or did not do something. 

Seems to me that co-habitating without the benefit of marriage is not your biggest problem. Lack of communication is. 

No. It seems to me he is a lost cause. I do communicate what I want or need, but he does not care. LOL  

Then you need to adjust your expectations.  You know he's not going to bring a gift or a token home.  This is how it is (I feel like I'm channeling Carolyn Hax!)

[imawino]

Jan 28, 2014 14:34:26 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Jan 28, 2014 14:30:52 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

I dated DH for 10 years before we got married. And even when we weren't hitched I could still tell him that I was PO'd because he did or did not do something. 

Seems to me that co-habitating without the benefit of marriage is not your biggest problem. Lack of communication is. 

No. It seems to me he is a lost cause. I do communicate what I want or need, but he does not care. LOL  

How have you approached this conversation?  Have you had a serious talk about what you need to feel valued? Or do you get mad on the holiday and make remarks you think he should be able to correctly interpret to mean you wanted a gift?

I'm not insinuating that you haven't been clear - but I personally am guilty of being unclear and passive aggressive at times, so I know it happens. You can sit him down (now, not Feb 13th) and tell him that you'd love it if he surprised you with a romantic gesture on valentines day and see if that works. Or flat out tell him if there is a particular something you want. If really putting it out there in a clear way does not get you any acknowledgment at all, I'd agree he is not very caring of your wants and needs and it's a problem.

[sarcasticgirl]

Jan 28, 2014 14:08:24 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Oddly all of our true Hallmark moments have happened at times other than when we actually exchange sappy Hallmark cards.  Think about it.  Picture three truly amazing moments with your spouse.  Are any of them pointless Holidays where you exchange sappy cards?  None of mine are.

I can remember sitting on my wife's hospital bed holding our first born child together.  Hallmark will never write a card that can even open that jar, much less cut the mustard.

if my husband bought me a sappy Hallmark card, I'd laugh in his face. I hate sappy cards. 

[Plain Old Petunia]

Jan 28, 2014 13:35:07 GMT -5 @bluester said:

How would you feel if you got NOTHING?

For Valentine's Day?  That's OK with me.  I'd rather have a nice footrub than a gift, anyway.

[sarcasticgirl]

Last week I was feeling really really crappy and annoyed with the universe and DH brought home a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. It is one of those weird comfort foods that remind me of college. I rarely buy it and I realize, it is quite gross. but I get a weird comfort from it. 

It cost like $1.50 but you would have thought it was a blue box from Tiffanys!  

[yogiii]

I bought DH a pack of Lemonheads from the $1 bin at Target for Valentine's Day.  I'm expecting nothing.  Are you telling me we're headed for divorce?

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2014 15:12:06 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

Last week I was feeling really really crappy and annoyed with the universe and DH brought home a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. It is one of those weird comfort foods that remind me of college. I rarely buy it and I realize, it is quite gross. but I get a weird comfort from it. 

It cost like $1.50 but you would have thought it was a blue box from Tiffanys!  

That's the kind of stuff I am talking about. I would absolutely LOVE little gestures like that.

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2014 15:15:32 GMT -5 yogiii said:

I bought DH a pack of Lemonheads from the $1 bin at Target for Valentine's Day.  I'm expecting nothing.  Are you telling me we're headed for divorce?

Why would you be headed for divorce?

[Deleted]

@bluester I am twice divorced. The problems I had with both of my ex's were there from the start and I knew about them. I'm not sure if I thought they would change or that I could live with them but either way I was wrong. I waited 10 & 8 years respectively to figure that out. That's a lot of wasted time.

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2014 15:19:40 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Jan 28, 2014 15:15:32 GMT -5 yogiii said:

I bought DH a pack of Lemonheads from the $1 bin at Target for Valentine's Day.  I'm expecting nothing.  Are you telling me we're headed for divorce?

Why would you be headed for divorce?

Because her husband is sleeping with the mailman.

[yogiii]

Touche!

[yogiii]

Sorry, I didn't mean to make light of your thread.  If gifts/cards matter, tell him.  If your relationship has always been this way, there is no reason for him to think something is wrong and that you want something to change unless you tell him.

[sheilaincali]

DH and I don't do sappy. Ever. It's just not us.

On our birthdays we do something nice for each other, make the other one's favorite meal, pick up cupcakes, etc. Always cards- we are big on cards. The funnier the better. Presents are usually simple, inexpensive things- with the exception of his 40th bday we keep it under $20.

Christmas we usually spend $50 on each other. That's the limit we've agreed on.  Joint checking, one pot of money so we take out $100 in cash and split it 50/50 and head out shopping.

Valentine's Day- same thing. Cards- funnier the better. We will go out to dinner with DS. We always get him cards and he gets us cards.  I'll pick the Boy up a chocolate/peanut butter heart or a box of poptarts (we try not to eat processed foods so it would be a big treat for him).

This year DH is out with a friend of ours at a convention. They leave the morning of the 14th and get back on the 16th. Friend's Wife and I are very good friends. We've been talking about spending Saturday together. DS loves babysitting her kids and the love having DS over (he is 15 and they are 5, 3 and 2). We'll probably spend the day doing crafts and baking. 

DH, DS and I will go out for dinner on the Thursday the 13th. No big deal.

I have told him that I don't care for flowers. He knows that I would smack him upside the head for wasting money on over priced flowers just because it's Valentine's Day. That's my thing with my BFF. We exchange flowers a couple of times a year.  He knows that's our thing and it doesn't bother him to not have to buy me flowers.

[tractor]

Me and Mrs Tractor never do much for gifts to each other. I used to buy flowers, but she thought they were a waste of money so I stopped. There have been a few times over the years when we have gone away for the VD weekend, but even that has stopped over the past few years. Overall it's just another day of the week.

With that being said, this year we will be renting a large cabin in the woods with four other couples for a weekend of eating, drinking, and card playing. Then we will fly away to visit the Mouse for another week. So ten days of together time, without the kids. Could be great, might be miserable, only time will tell for sure.