moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jan 27, 2014 1:19:43 GMT -5
I've been on DH to be more helpful when it comes to the house. He's trying, he really is... but, he is half ass-ing everything. He'll proudly tell me that he cleaned the kitchen, but what he really meant is that he washed the dishes. Or that he cleaned the bathrooms, but what he really means is that he cleaned the glass, the sinks and the counters, but not the shower, bath tub, toilets, or floors. He cleaned the living room, but what he really means is that he vacuumed. He did the laundry, but really means that he put the clothes in a laundry basket. I am trying not to complain because he really is trying. Once he gets more consistent, then I can say something. For now, anything is better than nothing.
As I started thinking about it, I see this type of shit all the time at work. My poor assistant will tell me she finished the filing, but she really means that she finished filing what she could and she put the questionable items in a "unknown" stack.
So, what type of half assed accomplishments do you witness? To look at this from both sides, I am trying to think about things that I may be doing half-assed but not realizing it or haven't had it brought to my attention.
Now, off to finish the cleaning...
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jan 27, 2014 1:41:25 GMT -5
Try a new vocabulary like instead of cleaning the kitchen when you ask him give him a list of things you want done like could you unload the dishwasher, reload it wipe off the stove top and counters and clean the sink and faucets.
My SIL had the same issue when she quit being a full time housewife and asked the DH, DS and DD to help with the cleaning. DH went sent to clean the bathroom took hours, scrubbed all the grout, never put dirty towels in laundry. Children when sent to clean the bathroom put towels in laundry and wiped the faucets never under the toilet rim. So she had to tell them what the words clean the bathroom meant. Company coming in ten minutes means clean toilet including under the seat, change towels, wipe sink and faucets. The children being not stupid learned to sprinkle pinesol so it smelled like the mopped.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 27, 2014 2:03:58 GMT -5
Just remember , some half assed help aroundthe house are still some fewer things you have to do, lol.
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JustLurkin
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Post by JustLurkin on Jan 27, 2014 5:57:42 GMT -5
Yes, you'll have to make a list. I'm like that when it comes to home, I have a checklist app that I've listed *everything* that needs to be done in each room. Kinda like a flylady approach, but not true flylady.
It's not fair for him to think he's being helpful, when you're pissed off, you have to talk about it.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 27, 2014 6:50:28 GMT -5
One man's definition of "half assed" is not always another. We don't all see the world the same way or see things in the same level of importance. However, I found that when I ask my kids to do something like clean the bathroom, it is best that I spell out exactly what I want done and how.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 27, 2014 8:32:27 GMT -5
Were these men pigs before you married them?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jan 27, 2014 8:35:12 GMT -5
Half-assed accomplishments? Pretty much everything I do at work. I know you all think I'm a full-on ass, but not really.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jan 27, 2014 9:21:25 GMT -5
Were these men pigs before you married them? Well, he lived with his mother who did everything for him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 27, 2014 9:22:08 GMT -5
Sigh, what is it with moms who do this? I'm just as guilty.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Jan 27, 2014 9:27:02 GMT -5
I once went to a church that operated on a low budget, so the members cleaned the building themselves. Each family was on a rotation of once every 6 or 8 weeks.
The church had a check list that was very specific on what needed to be done each week. The check list was great because people could come and go and know what was done and what was still needing attention.
My DH and I have had the same arguments in the past. He simply doesn't care that there is eww on the underside of the toilet seat. I asked him to clean the bathroom like his mom was coming over. That just pissed him off. He is a very visual guy. A list that clearly spells out what needs to be done is helpful in our house.
He was vacuuming last week for me. I asked him if he had looked in the vacuum's dirt cup to see if it was full. It hadn't occurred to him. It never occurs to him. I think a lot of people are wired that way. It's not that they try to do a half-a$$ed job, it's just not that important to them. Their minds are busy on other things.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jan 27, 2014 9:34:22 GMT -5
From.someone in the same boat-thank him for his specific chores, but also voice the things you still have to do. Thanks for doing the dishes. Can you sit with the kids while I clean the sink, stove and counters? Repeat ad nauseam.
I always tried to celebrate that dh did SOMETHING but its just prolonged our pain. He feels like I'll never be happy since I always have something else I need him to step it up in. I almost wish I had just lost it and demanded everything at once. It might have been more fair to both of us.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 27, 2014 9:46:23 GMT -5
My DH and I have had the same arguments in the past. He simply doesn't care that there is eww on the underside of the toilet seat. I asked him to clean the bathroom like his mom was coming over. That just pissed him off. He is a very visual guy. A list that clearly spells out what needs to be done is helpful in our house.
So this. Clutter grates on DH, but he doesn't care about dirt if no one is sticking to floors. I have issues with dirt, and could care less about clutter to a certain degree. With the kids, DH hasn't learned when to ask them to do things that will lead to beyond fabulous results. He'll ask the kids to pick up when they are tired and hungry. I ask the kids to pick up in the morning after they have been fed and a little bit of down time. I rarely get the flak he does. I also do lots of things half-assed or that could be perceived as half assed. I'm spread too thin to go the extra mile with everything. I'm also learning that I don't have to go the extra mile with everything.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 27, 2014 10:20:11 GMT -5
Everyone dies with their inbox full. And my DH and I spent too many years fighting about chores and stuff like that. And some things just aren't that important. If you can all get on board with an "we are in this together" attitude, life is much happier.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 27, 2014 11:06:04 GMT -5
That shit annoys the hell out of me. I couldn't be with someone who thought it was okay that I did all the grunt work as well as worked a job as well. That's unfair to me.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jan 27, 2014 11:07:21 GMT -5
Well, I have a hard time finishing things in one go... so I leave lots of things 1/2 (or 1/4) done and eventually come back to finish them. So, I might sort the laundry but manage to NOT get any of it to the washer. Or I might get all the dishes to the sink but not actually wash any of them. What I consider 1/2 assed would be things that MAKE more work... I have some great 'brother' stories: Like the time my brother came over and mowed about 1/2 the lawn - he 'helped me' by saving me 20 minutes. For some unknown reason he mowed until the mower ran out of gas - there was a full gas can in plain site in the garage. He also emptied the lawn clippings into a heap back behind the garden (versus putting it in one of the plastic 'yard waste' barrels that were in plain site). So, I had to finish the lawn AND clean up the heap of cuttings and sweep up the walks, etc. Cutting 1/2 the lawn didn't really 'buy me' anything. Then there was the time he 'helped me' by filling up a 5 gallon gas can instead of the smaller 1 gallon one. I couldn't really handle the full 5 gallon can (splashed alot of gas over the mower and the driveway) AND I only used about 1.5 gallons of gas each summer in the mower. Gas doesn't store very well. Then there was the time he came over and 'shoveled' the snow from the drive way - he pretty much drove his car up and down the driveway flattening the snow... it was a wet nasty snow which then froze. So then I had 120 feet of frozen icy driveway to navigate with my car. Because I couldn't break up the ice/snow pack to clear the driveway. I wound up leaving my car on the street for 2 weeks until it all thawed. AND I got a ticket because my car was on the street when the snow plow came thru. Then there was the time he 'helped me' by making dinner...left my kitchen in a shambles because he used EVERY utensil and pot and then left the clean up for me. Yeah, sometimes the best way to help me is to NOT help me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 27, 2014 11:07:35 GMT -5
They know good and well what clean the bathroom means, they just choose to do a bad job so they can either get out of ever doing it again or complain that your standards are too high. Both are BS excuses for disrespect. I had a guy flat out tell me this. He purposely screwed things up so his wife would stop asking him to do shit. GRRR. Child man.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 27, 2014 11:29:13 GMT -5
Oh, there definitely are lazy or passive aggressive people, no question.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 27, 2014 11:34:58 GMT -5
Oh, there definitely are lazy or passive aggressive people, no question. Yes. But, there's a difference between people doing things differently and being lazy or PA. My mom used to put my dad down all.the.time about how he didn't "help" her. Really, I thought he was lazy and good for nothing the way she talked about him. (Nice image of your dad growing up and nice messages to teach your daughter about men in general...) As it turned out, the only "right" way to do things was her way. And if you didn't do it her way, you just shouldn't do it. I got reamed out (yes reamed out) as a teen once because I didn't put the wash clothes in the cabinet properly. The right fold wasn't facing outwards.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Jan 27, 2014 12:01:05 GMT -5
some half assed help around the house are still some fewer things you have to do
And I'm grateful for any kind of help around the house. DH (God love him) can sit playing solitaire on the computer with the house burning around him. He has that kind of tunnel vision. He doesn't like anyone telling what to do or ask him to do something. I gave up years ago. It's easier if I do it myself.
He can say something needs to be done and I'll say do it. A couple of weeks later he says the same thing again and I give the same answer. If it's important enough to him he eventually gets it done. This is how I get the outside lights done at Christmas, both up and down.
Even something as simple as feeding Hunter-kitty while I'm cleaning the kitchen. He says OK and when I'm through with the kitchen I'll feed Hunter. A couple of hours later he'll ask about it.
At 75 I don't think he will ever change. Mommy, sister, DW#1 spoiled him rotten, and I can't change it now. So if anything needs to be done, I have to do it or find someone else to do it.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jan 27, 2014 12:28:12 GMT -5
Everyone dies with their inbox full. And my DH and I spent too many years fighting about chores and stuff like that. And some things just aren't that important. If you can all get on board with an "we are in this together" attitude, life is much happier. I agree with this, BUT I also had to learn that it wasn't okay for me to be responsible for EVERYTHING. That even if DH 'doesn't care' about the house or the lawn it is 100% okay for me to stand up for myself, and that as an equal partner in the house, he had to be responsible for stuff he 'doesn't care' about too. I had a mentor when I was a very young adult who convinced me that if I cared about having a clean house, that it was entirely up to me to make sure it happened. That I couldn't push that need of mine onto dh when a clean house wasn't that important to him and that fighting or nagging (and even just me asking for help) wasn't acceptable. Maybe I took it to an extreme, but it turned me into a doormat and did so much more harm to our relationship than good. My parents never fought over anything, but they are both automatically took over the chores that they had strengths in. I assumed everyone would do that, but my dh never did. Maybe if he had lived alone... His parents were very strict and had a ton of chores and punishments for not doing them, so its not like he doesn't know what chores are.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 27, 2014 14:32:52 GMT -5
I'd either tell him I'm quitting my job and see how he likes them apples but I'm not doing two jobs while he does one. Or if that isn't an option you want to go with, I'd wash MY stuff and clean the bathroom I use. He could just starve before I'd feed him, either. I bet he would get the drift that you have had enough of his nonsense. These are grown adults we are talking here not children. They know damn good and well what they're pulling.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Jan 27, 2014 15:48:35 GMT -5
These are grown adults we are talking here not children. They know damn good and well what they're pulling.
Sure they do, and they know we know it. I would get upset with DH#1 when I was working full time and he complained the house was a mess or he didn't get the dinner he wanted. His mom was a SAH so he expected the same from me. But through the years both of us mellowed and it didn't mean as much.
Now that I'm retired a spotless sanitary house isn't that important. As long as I stay ahead of the health dept. and our bodies and clothes are clean every day .............
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Jan 27, 2014 17:17:48 GMT -5
For heavens sake, write us a list. Some of us...well, ME anyway can't multitask worth a damn. If I am in the middle of something and get a list of things to do orally, I forget half of them. I can do laundry, but I am worse than dangerous with an iron. (if the phone rings, something is gonna get scoarched) I'll vacum. I'll dust. I'll do dishes....but NEVER with that damned dishwasher. I actually like to cook, but my wife is far better with some dishes. We do disagree on the definition of "clean " out the back room. She sees junk...I see priceless artifacts. For example, she says "why do you have a box with birthday cards from your second birthday?" At least get rid of the envelopes!" "But, I reply...look at the stamps on those envelopes, those babies are 60 years old!"
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 27, 2014 17:50:19 GMT -5
For heavens sake, write us a list. Some of us...well, ME anyway can't multitask worth a damn. If I am in the middle of something and get a list of things to do orally, I forget half of them. I can do laundry, but I am worse than dangerous with an iron. (if the phone rings, something is gonna get scoarched) I'll vacum. I'll dust. I'll do dishes....but NEVER with that damned dishwasher. I actually like to cook, but my wife is far better with some dishes. We do disagree on the definition of "clean " out the back room. She sees junk...I see priceless artifacts. For example, she says "why do you have a box with birthday cards from your second birthday?" At least get rid of the envelopes!" "But, I reply...look at the stamps on those envelopes, those babies are 60 years old!" DH just told me to write out a specific list. Things that need to be done daily and things that need to be done by the end of the week. I made a list to put up on the fridge so we can mark off the chores as they are done. And I listed out what needs to be done. Instead of clean the bathroom, I put sub-bullets for cleaning the tub, toilet, counter & mirror, floors, and taking out the trash. Let's hope it works!
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jan 27, 2014 18:32:43 GMT -5
Oh, there definitely are lazy or passive aggressive people, no question. If you can't beat 'em join 'em I bomb the bathroom with cleaning products and leave them to set after getting ready in the morning. If SO wants to shower or use the toilet before I get around to it he can do a quick wipe down and rinse. Trash gathered and set outside the door magically finds its way to the dumpster. If he does laundry and leaves it sitting in the basket, into the closet/dresser inside out and unfolded it goes. If he doesn't care if it's crumpled up in a basket for a week I'm not going to knock myself out over it. He is amazingly okay with this system, and it's so much less pressure for me than having to clean up after him all the time.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Jan 27, 2014 19:14:01 GMT -5
My hubby is VERY helpful, when told what to do. But he NEEDS me to tell him what I want done. I write out a list of chores each Monday that I want to get done during the week. Things like laundry, dishes, dusting, vaccuuming (we have a small house), etc. We each try to do one thing a night off that list. Then for the weekends, I write up a separate list of bigger things that need to be done, that cant be done during the week, like taking the dogs to the vet, or repairing the fence. It works really well for us now, but it took me a while to realize that he doesnt always know what needs to be done and what can wait until the weekend, so I just tell him what I want him to do now, and he does it.
It works for us that I like being the one calling the shots, and my husband likes me being the one calling the shots. We also don't have children, so that probably makes it much easier!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 27, 2014 21:41:50 GMT -5
DF says threads like this make me more grateful for him. He is so right!
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quince
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Post by quince on Jan 27, 2014 23:02:58 GMT -5
I'm so damned lucky that my husband and I are on the same (messy) page about acceptable household standards.
There's definitely times I get irritated at something, but luckily for me all I have to do is ask and he'll come through. I try to do the same for him (I stopped leaving the cores from my sliced apples on the cutting board! Cookie, please!)
Maybe everything's OK when all parties agree on the amount of buttocks required?
I definitely see issues at work where "done" means "I did all the easy stuff and am ignoring things I can't do in five minutes." Grrr. Quarter-assed at best.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jan 28, 2014 0:01:38 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 28, 2014 9:00:27 GMT -5
Hmm... I guess I'll go finish changing my sheets now. But y'all are so darn interesting!
(I hate things that aren't done correctly.)Enjoy your day!
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